My brother in law hates me...

[margar84]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. I met him from his brother who was my best friend. We were really close at first and then he went through a break up and he started acting very strange. Whenever me and my boyfriend would go out he would call him to ask where he was and why was he out so late? I thought it was annoying but I let it go because I didnt want any drama with his family. He got with another girl and everything was fine again until is girlfriend started giving him and his family problems. She was just an overwhelming hassle. I didnt like her and well frankly no one else did but didnt show it in order to avoid conflict with my brother in law. One day they both heard me saying stuff about her that she wasnt right for him and that he deserved someone better. They both stopped talking to me. I guess I understand that. We both became very hostile towards each other. I shared personal information about him and his relationship to friends and it got around to him and pretty much just added gas to the fire. Now theyre broken up but remain friends still. Me and him are still not talking and he ignores me and can be kind of rude to me. And he'll be rude to me in ways that no one else will notice including my boyfriend. I just dont understand why he continues to ignore me and doesnt try to talk to me. I understand that I did mess up but he has made mistakes too that I didnt hold him against such as also talking about my relationship to many people. All in all i dont know what to do. if someone can please give me some insight.

[Seraphim]

Because you gave out personal information about him to people who have no business knowing.

[Wiseman2]

He's not your BIL, you're not married. Butt out of your bf's brother's business and stop gossiping. All you can do is apologize for the rude remarks about the brother's gf and the gossiping.

I met him from his brother who was my best friend. One day they both heard me saying stuff about her that she wasnt right for him and that he deserved someone better. They both stopped talking to me.

[margar84]

well when i said what i said about her it was to my boyfriend. I didnt share it to anyone else. She then started talking about me, my boyfriend and his family on twitter. I didnt share personal stuff to the entire world. It was to one mutual friend who already knew they were having problems and she asked me ccertain questions about them and how i was doing. I know i shouldtn have said anything anyway but also understand that I was venting to someone i thought i could trust. she then ran her mouth to him and to other people as well.

[Snny]

If you are not married, you do not have in-laws. Please stop using that term.

 

The problem is that you opened your mouth to the wrong people. Worse, you talked smack about a friend's girlfriend when he's the brother of YOUR boyfriend (this puts your relationship with him in jeopardy). Sorry, not a smart move. It doesn't matter how much you don't like someone's Significant Other, but you never talk smack about their partners because it is a serious friendship-ending move. Don't even talk about an SO behind their backs with other friends because it WILL get around. People slip all the time; and when they do, they will try to defend themselves and get out of further trouble by placing blame on another group- "Well, I heard Susan say____ about___!"

 

My husband and I have dumped friendships before over our ex-friends' lack of respect for either of us. I got call a w&$@ by one of my husband's friend OUT IN PUBLIC... He's gone and never gets invited to social outings anymore all because he S&$@-shamed me. My former college friend refused to invite my fiancé at her wedding when I was her bridesmaid... We're no longer speaking and for all I care, she is dead to me.Nobody is going to keep friends who can't get along or act civil with their partners/spouses.

 

Sorry, but I don't think there is anything you can do. The bridge was burned. I don't think sincere apologizing is going to help, but you can try. Take this experience as a valuable life lesson whenever you deal with a friend who has a SO whom you may not like.

[Seraphim]

Sometimes silence is golden.

[Tanzi]

You also shared personal information with friends though (as per your post). I don't know how he found out but after having overheard you talking about his gf (as she was at the time) I can only assume at that point he must have thought you liked to gossip and/or stir things up a little. I'm not saying you do, I'm sure we are all guilty of saying too much at one point or other to people we probably shouldn't. Nevertheless, that is how he/they will interpret it.

 

If I were you I would apologise to your bf's brother (or even to them both if they remain close friends) telling him/them your intentions were never to hurt either of them and you hope you can start afresh. I wouldn't say anything other than that, certainly not about him messing up too. Just own up to your own wrongdoings. That's all you can do.

[QWit]

Stop calling him your brother in law.. You are not married to his brother. Stop acting like a wife when you haven't even been given the title. He has a right to be mad. You gave out his personal info..Apologize to your bf's brother and just own up to what you did.

[charity]

Have you ever apologised to him?

[margar84]

I'm not acting like anything. I call them my in laws because I'm very close to his family and them with me with the exception of his brother. Also I do live with him and have been for about a year. Hes not just my boyfriend he has practically become a part of my family and me a part of his. You dont need to be married to consider his parents and family as in laws. That is what I want to do but I'm not sure if thats the right call. We both did things to the other person. I'm stating that hes mad at me for that. However I did mention that he talked about my relationship to other people as well. His girlfriend was also talking about me and my boyfriend and his family way before any of this happened which is why nobody liked her in the first place. She had disrespected his family and treated her boyfriend like dirt in front of his family and friends. I understand i shouldnt have told anyone in the first place but i was also having problems with my boyfriends brother and girlfriend and i confided those problems with someone i shouldnt have. my question is i dont know if talking to him is the right call.

[margar84]

No I havent spoken to him.

[margar84]

no i havent spoken to him

[Wiseman2]

Take the high road an apologize for whatever upset them.

I understand i shouldnt have told anyone in the first place but i was also having problems with my boyfriends brother and girlfriend and i confided those problems with someone i shouldnt have.

[margar84]

I am sorry for what i did but i feel like in this case an apology sounds like bull. How would i even start?

[catfeeder]

We both became very hostile towards each other.

 

This makes no sense. You recognize why he had a reason to be hostile toward you, but why did you get hostile back?

 

The guy has no reason to trust you or apologize to you. If you want to make this right, it's on you to step up and tell the guy, "I owe you an apology, and I want you to know that I'm sincerely sorry for meddling in your life. I won't try to make excuses. I know that I was wrong, and I don't expect you to forgive me for it. I just want you to know that I recognize mistake, and it was stupid, and I'm really sorry for it."

 

Then let the chips fall where they will. If the guy continues to be hostile, allow time and distance to give him the room he likely needs for reflection. If he ever decides to forgive you, all the better, but at least in the meantime you'll know that you've planted the seeds for your OWN conscience to heal. If he continues to be mean when he sees you, you can just say things like, "I know, I deserve that--I'm sorry." ..and quit returning the hostility.

 

Anything less from you is just your own ego keeping your karma going strong.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

[Snny]

I call them my in laws because I'm very close to his family and them with me with the exception of his brother. Also I do live with him and have been for about a year. Hes not just my boyfriend he has practically become a part of my family and me a part of his. You dont need to be married to consider his parents and family as in laws.

No, legally you can't refer them to that. And many who hear an unmarried person call their SO's family in laws will think you are pretending to be married. It doesn't matter what your living arrangement is or for how long, or how close they are to you, they aren't legally your family.

 

However I did mention that he talked about my relationship to other people as well. His girlfriend was also talking about me and my boyfriend and his family way before any of this happened which is why nobody liked her in the first place. She had disrespected his family and treated her boyfriend like dirt in front of his family and friends.

We're not talking about the girlfriend's behavior- were discussing what you did that caused the rift. She can act like a B all she wants, but your gossiping is the cause the problem here.

 

Two wrongs don't make a right. As an adult, you should know this. You can't control what other adults do, but you are responsible for your own actions. Since it was your friend who hooked you up with his own brother, he is one of the LAST people you ever want to piss off. A sibling connection is stronger than a girlfriend's- he can easily influence your relationship if him and his own brother have arguments about you and the other SO. You and her can cause a disturbance to the family peace.

 

my question is i dont know if talking to him is the right call.

I have given you my answer, and so has the previous posters. You start by apologizing. Just be well aware that apologizing may not immediately fix your problem OR it may never will. It depends on the damage taken. personally, I see bashing a girlfriend as a serious offense that will affect your future social outings and trust. However, I'm not your friend and it depends on how forgiving he will be.

 

What's important is that you are trying to come clean and that you really learned from this mistake- that you won't ever bad mouth a friend's SO/spouse. You cross the line when you get involved in someone else's relationship and say negative things about it. Like I said before, I have seen and personally experienced friendships being destroyed over the mistreatment and disrespect towards a friend's SO.