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rmo22

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I met this really interesting guy on a dating site. I was getting really psyched to meet him, when he kinda dropped a couple bombs on me. He ended up telling me that he lives with his parents...and works a retail job. I couldn't believe it. He is this cute European guy who speaks 3 languages fluently and has lived in several countries throughout his life. He's very smart and VERY sweet. I am 27 and he's 30. The thing is...I am self-sufficient adult. I am educated, independent, have a decent job, my own car and I pay all my own bills. Now I have this nagging feeling that I have to tell this guy goodbye ASAP. Is this shallow of me? I mean...I want a family and a home one day and I just don't feel like I can see a future with a guy who is still living with his parents and working a minimum wage job at the age of 30...

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It's not shallow if you see him as incompatible rather than as less. I couldn't seriously date a woman in that situation but I wouldn't think anything bad or less of her. If she's happy doing her thing, good on her. She's just gonna be with someone other than me while she does it.

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Have you met in person? How do you know any of what he's telling you is real? Maybe he's looking for someone with their own place because he lives with a gf?

 

If it's a deal breaker either way, just don't meet and explain that you're not a match and move on.

I met this really interesting guy on a dating site. He ended up telling me that he lives with his parents.
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I definitely don't see him as less. I think he's a really fascinating, cultured person. But yes...I would say we are incompatible simply due to his dependence on his parents. I think he is a great guy. Really nice, funny and sweet. I just feel like we are on two different levels of adulthood. We will likely see the profound differences between one another and it will cause the relationship to fail, most likely.

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Nope, I don't see myself wasting my time meeting someone who isn't "husband material," if you know what I mean. Of course I don't know if what he's telling me is true...but why on earth would any 30 year old lie about living with their parents?

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Just because he works a retail job and lives with his parents doesnt mean he isnt willing to move out with someone significant into their own place or that he doesnt have any money. He could also live in a mansion and feel compelled to save up money living at home or live their cause their are homeless people out there. He sounds sweet! Send him into the arms of someone who cares!

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Only you know what your deal breakers are, and if this is a big enough deal breaker to stick with. For all you know, he may very well be financially independent despite living with his folks, or maybe he lives there to help them - you don't know what their situation is.

To me personally, this wouldn't be a deal breaker, provided the guy seems nice, smart and trustworthy.

In Europe the mentality is a bit different, people tend to stay with their parents longer than on this side of the world. Here, once they hit a certain (still very young) age, there is this tendency for the youth to find themselves a job quickly and move out on their own. There, they focus more on finishing their studies, and only then do they consider being on their own.

 

But these are just details, the big picture is that if you feel the guy is not up to your standards, then don't meet him. Just because *I* would meet him and give myself the chance to get to know him and find out what other good qualities he may have it doesn't mean you should do the same. Do as you see fit, and if this is too big of a deal breaker to you, don't feel guilty about it, there is no shame in wanting to be with a guy who lives on his own and is financially independent, but also don't mess with his head and give him false hope, if you think you are always going to see him in a bad light only because of his job and living arrangements.

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People's definition of shallow varies from person to person. If that word comes to your mind about your own situation then maybe sub consciously you do believe that you are being shallow for having these thoughts.

 

The thoughts you are having is only natural though. It really depends on what you are looking for in a man. You say he has done a lot in his life so he is obviously not a bum and wants to see and experience different things in the world. Maybe he is just saving up a bit of money or looking for a better paid job which will put him on his feet.

 

Have you asked him when he wants to move out from his parents? If you have, then obviously his answer will be 'as soon as possible', it sounds like you need to know that he is moving and always thinking about bettering his situation. You need to ask the questions. If you fall in love with someone, next to nothing they say or do will make you feel less attracted to him.

 

If you have a well paid job then surely you can support a family?

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There are a lot of theories in that statement. Yes, all of that is possible...but it's unlikely. In my personal opinion, 30 is a bit old to be living at home still. I am looking to build a life with someone. Being nice and sweet is great, and it's such a rare quality, but it doesn't pay the bills...

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There are a lot of theories in that statement. Yes, all of that is possible...but it's unlikely. In my personal opinion, 30 is a bit old to be living at home still. I am looking to build a life with someone. Being nice and sweet is great, and it's such a rare quality, but it doesn't pay the bills...

 

But I thought you were already able to pay your own bills?

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Nope, I don't see myself wasting my time meeting someone who isn't "husband material," if you know what I mean. Of course I don't know if what he's telling me is true...but why on earth would any 30 year old lie about living with their parents?

 

First thing that comes to mind is that someone might say that as an excuse because they're married and want to keep you away from their house so their spouse doesn't find out.

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That was my first thought as well

First thing that comes to mind is that someone might say that as an excuse because they're married and want to keep you away from their house so their spouse doesn't find out.
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Here's the thing about dating preferences. You don't have to justify them. They can be as reason-based or as arbitrary as you like. In fact, the less you try to reason them out to people, the less you have to defend them. No one here can argue that you're wrong when you say "a man who lives at home isn't a dating match for me." When you start trying to qualify it factually with statements like "A 30 year old shouldn't live at home" or "we're at different levels of adulthood" ("levels" intrinsically implying higher and lower), that's when people will come back with exceptions and explanations to contest you. Then you waste time arguing only to come back to the unarguable fact: "That guy isn't right for me."

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Wow, you are right. I hadn't thought about it like that...and look at all the contesting I'm already getting here. You are absolutely correct though. This guy just isn't what I'm looking for. It really is as simple as that.

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I can pay my own bills, but I'm not trying to pay anyone else's.

 

Then don't. You can stop dating or not start dating anyone at any time for any reason you want.

 

But if you really like the guy that much otherwise, it might be worth finding out what the situation actually is instead of presuming that he'd be a burden to you simply because he lives with his parents. All you need is strong boundaries. "No I won't buy you that". "No, you can't move in with me unless you can pay part of the rent". "No I won't pay your phone bill" ...etc...etc...etc.

 

I'm certainly not saying you should marry the guy tomorrow, but there's definitely middle ground between I need to run away and I'd marry him tomorrow.

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You don't have to date every cute man you meet. And you don't have to marry every dude you sleep with.

 

Learning to spot red flags or know what you want in life and out of a partner and sticking to it is called adulting. Welcome to dating in your 30's where you stop accepting stuff you don't want - and don't waste time on dead ends!

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I'm certainly not saying you should marry the guy tomorrow, but there's definitely middle ground between I need to run away and I'd marry him tomorrow.

 

Right, I suppose I agree with that. Perhaps I should just go meet him. Who know? Maybe he will end up totally hating me and then the problem is solved, I guess.

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You don't need to go out with every man that asks you out. Charity cases need not apply for you. The reason why people stay single, or date dead ends - not listening to your own needs - this guy is not a match - why are you wasting time?

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Why bother if there are red flags and deal breakers? Is he the only date you've got on the horizon? Why would you need him to pull the plug if you object to his lifestyle/economy?

Perhaps I should just go meet him. Who know? Maybe he will end up totally hating me and then the problem is solved, I guess.
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Why bother if there are red flags and deal breakers? Is he the only date you've got on the horizon? Why would you need him to pull the plug if you object to his lifestyle/economy?

 

Am I supposed to have more than one date on my horizon?

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