Updating - 4 months

[parrot]

Hey friends,

 

It's been exactly 4 months since my ex fiance dumped me. I made the original post here a few months ago if you care to click back and read it, but the short version is that it was a very happy relationship and the breakup completely blindsided me. My ex is a wonderful person and treated me like gold - until the day he ended it. Then he and his family treated me horribly, for no good reason. I was reeling from shock for several weeks after it happened. I honestly thought I would never recover. I didn't have any closure and a lot of it is still very confusing to me. But here I am, 4 months into my healing, and I'm feeling much more like my old self these days. Tomorrow I start a new job in a new city that I moved to about a month ago. A lot has changed in 4 months.

 

First off, to those of you fresh out breakups, believe me... when this all initially happened I was in more pain than I had ever been in my life, and that is not an exaggeration. I've never struggled with anxiety or depression or any sort of mental health issue but trust me, that all changed when my ex ended things. I couldn't be alone for more than a few minutes at a time without having a mini breakdown. I needed physical assistance getting in the shower. I ate and slept so little. I took a sleep aid every night and watched Netflix until I closed my eyes to try to drown out my thoughts. The mornings were so, so, so awful. Each morning when I opened my eyes it was as if I was learning all over again that my relationship was over and I had an entire day of battling my thoughts to get through. I got REALLY sick of people telling me that time would heal. I did not see how time would change anything or how I would ever feel better.

 

But one thing I will pat myself on the back for is my strict NC. After my ex initially broke it off, I did send him a couple of texts asking if he was sure about his decision, if he wanted to just cancel the wedding but try to figure things out between us. When he said no, as difficult as it was, I took that as my final answer and I have never contacted him again. I not only blocked him and his family on social media but I deleted my own accounts. This was mainly because I had SO much to figure out in my own life, and I knew that social media would be a time waster for me and I would get absorbed in what everyone around me was doing instead of focusing on my own life. It has been really great to be off there completely, and I highly recommend doing it for a while to anyone whose life is partially turned upside down after a breakup. I might never get back on there.

 

Not contacting my ex took a whole ton of effort. I obsessed about it. I opened blank emails and started to write some out for therapeutic reasons but even then I didn't know what I could say. Every time I thought about contacting him I called my best friend (she didn't care if I called her 26 times a day, which was great of her) or I told my mom, and they would talk it out with me and help me to come to my own conclusion that it would be a bad idea. It is completely natural to WANT to, so nobody really gave me a hard time about wanting it. I'm very thankful for so many loving and empathetic family members and friends. My ex is not a complete jerk and I do believe that if I contacted him asking for answers he would eventually send me a polite response. I've come to learn though that it would not help anything. More than likely I would want to respond and refute something he said or it would just give me more to dwell on obsessively. Closure does come from within, as I've learned. I had so many obsessive and circular thoughts and I'm so thankful for my mom and my best friend who let me talk about it and talk about it and talk about it some more, and be as repetitive as I needed to be, because I needed to process these thoughts. Eventually I stopped needing to talk so much and I started to accept my own conclusions. I still mull things over in my head, but when I realize I'm doing this it's a lot easier to switch tracks and get on a different train of thought. All of this happened gradually and naturally.

 

Things got better in the second month, as far as my appetite and sleep and generally being able to function. I still felt a heavy sadness most of the time (and still do some days but it isn't nearly so oppressive). I had been getting out a lot with my sisters and I took a couple of weekend trips. This, plus all the talking I was allowed to do, and the strict no contact, is what made me start to feel better so soon, I think. I interviewed for a job in a city that's a few hours from where my family lives, and I got the job, which starts tomorrow (school-based). I was busy for a while with traveling back and forth to this city to find an apartment and get the ball rolling on my new life. It's a very nice area here and I think I'm going to be very happy once I get used to it, but loneliness is hard. I've joined a ladies meetup group which I've been out with a couple of times and there are some friendships beginning to form. There have still been a lot of nights in my new place with just me and my dog. These are the most difficult times because it makes me miss my ex so much. Even though I've come to learn that he wasn't the right match for me, I would still prefer his company over nothing. I didn't love the area he lived in (and insisted on staying) but right now, even though I'm in a fun place with a lot more to do, I would still rather go back to my ex sometimes because at least it was comfortable. Overall though, I'm really doing OK.

 

The thing I struggle with the most is how great a relationship it was, and what a wonderful person my ex is. He has some issues to work out and he's a bit immature as it turns out, but everyone has their flaws. His are mild compared to most men that I've met. I worry about finding another guy who I like as much as him, who doesn't have his own set of issues. Even though I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have worked out with my ex, I still miss him and I'm envious of whoever gets to be with him. Will I ever stop missing him? I just imagine myself years down the road, happily married to another man, and still feeling sad when I think of my ex. Are these just my own distorted thoughts, will this go away too? I don't miss any of my other exes anymore but they were all jerks to me in one way or another. I have plenty of unhappy memories in those relationships. This most recent one was wonderful, 100% of the time, and I'm not exaggerating. No fights, no drama, no game playing. We had fun, we had everything in common, we loved each other. It's hard to imagine ever NOT missing him, even if/when I do meet another great guy. The thought of my ex with another girl still makes me physically ill, but fortunately I shouldn't ever find out about that whenever it happens since I'm so cut off from him, and living about 400 miles away from his town at the moment.

 

I can't wait to get to a point where I really don't miss him that much, or where I can say for certain that I would not take him back if he asked. The temptation to contact him is gone now, but I don't know how strong I would be if he were to ever toss me a breadcrumb. I'm just resting assured that he is not the kind of person to ever do this. I know he won't ever ask to reconcile, but that's almost beside the point... I want to feel as though I would absolutely say NO if he asked.. THAT would feel good! As good as I'm feeling these days, I'm still weak deep down.

 

Our wedding was planned for August 27, which is a date that I've been dreading now, but a girl friend and I planned a fun get-away for that weekend so I'm looking forward to it now, in a way. One thing that has occurred to me recently was how much closer I've gotten to some of my old friends as a result of all this. It's definitely been a silver lining.

 

All in all, I'm finally starting to feel excited about the future again. I'm not ready to date yet, for now I'd like to focus on making some friends and feeling connected to the community. As far as dating goes... I'm just assuming that as long as I miss my ex and feel like there's a chance I would take him back, that means I'm not ready to meet someone new. Or, would meeting someone new help me get over the hump of missing my ex? Either way, talking to guys these days depresses me and it's just not what I need to be focusing on.

 

Anyway, I thought I would give some hope to those who are in the initial stages of healing and are thinking that things will never ever get better. Time really does heal, and I really do recommend strict NC. Tomorrow feels like the start of a new chapter for me and even though it's excitement mixed with sadness, I'm choosing to focus on the excitement part. It's still one day at a time for me but the days are a little brighter. I wish you all so much healing and happiness. We weren't put on this earth to feel miserable and sad all the time. As a good friend told me a couple of months ago, you owe it to yourself to be as vibrant as possible. We will all get there. One of my favorite quotes right now - "If you get the inside right, the outside will fall into place."

 

Hugs to you guys/girls!

[1a1a]

Another 4 months and you will be doing even better I went through a similar thing late last year, totally blindsided by my ex leaving me (although with hindsight, the writing was on the wall). Took a reeeally long time to be able to focus in on his negative attributes (not very adventurous, not very passionate, young), it can be done though, needs to be done. Even the really lovely ones are no good if they don't feel the same way about us.

 

Like yourself, I'm feeling better connected to some friend people these days and have more hobbies. I didn't wait so long to seek intimacy though. Didn't want a relationship, but cuddling, definitely, sex, maybe. That's been a mixed blessing since I've been sweet on a few guys which picks up my mood like a magic cheat code, but then when they've rejected me, it makes for crushing loneliness (from which I am still recovering quicker, much quicker than the break up).

 

May we regain our equilibriums in full!! *hugs*

[JonnyD79]

A fantastic post.

Thoughts are with you.

[CharlieGurl]

The respect and kindness you have shown yourself through this process has been inspiring and encouraging for so many people. You have been such an inspiration and support to me, Parrot, and I've been impressed with the maturity in which you've handled your own break up.

 

I think you will always have a special place in your heart for your ex and that might be tough to handle sometimes, even once you meet someone new. But, I don't believe that will affect your ability to have an even stronger love than him someday. Once you find someone who has all the wonderful qualities you're looking for AND wants to be with you forever, the way you want to with him, your feelings for him will overpower the ones you have for your ex right now. You're a beautiful person, and there's no doubt in my mind that you will find that lucky man to share your life with.