Online dating vs real life

[JeckyllNHyde]

I'm newly single after a relationship of 8 years and am 30 yrs old. I feel sooo lost in the dating scene.

Tinder and online dating are things I've never tried. It's only recently that I even considered the idea.

 

Looking back on my past dating experiences, I've never been one who meets alot of guys. Once in a blue moon I'll meet a someone I really like or spend time with one and we click. From there it usually ends because they're not looking to commit.

 

Lately I've been thinking I should increase the number of men I meet just to get a better idea of what Im looking for. I also hear so many off putting stories that I'm hesitant.

 

I feel like the older I get, the less I'm willing to get my heart broken over and over. I just wish I could find a way to enjoy the dating scene without developing feelings too soon or for the wrong guys. Could it be due to lack of experience dating multiple men?

 

Any advice or experiences when it comes to finding love online or offline?

[ThatwasThen]

My advice and from what I've read: If you're looking for something serious then don't go on Tinder or Plentyoffish.

[j.man]

Don't use Tinder or POF. I'm not opposed to either of them and think you can very well find a good partner on them. The thing is a lot of women don't have the assertiveness and thick skin (sexist upbringing, not the gender itself) to dredge through it without any combination of routine headache, heartache, and regret. Add to that everything you wrote tells me you're in a particularly impressionable state. It's just a bad recipe. I might even suggest against OLD altogether. But hey, if you're ever in the need for a good old fashioned lay, one's always a swipe away.

 

If you must go online, a safe way to get your feet wet could be something that worked for me and I see more people doing now. I went on meetup.com and just went out and did **** with different groups. It's of course not a dating site so you can't have the expectation, but it gets you out the door and meeting many people who do happen to be single.

 

Above all, OLD is a tool like any other. You either learn how to use it or end up hurting yourself. It's also meant to supplement your efforts in the "real world," not to substitute.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm a fan of OKCupid. I met my ex on there (2 year relationship). I went to a wedding a week ago where they met on OKC. I am back on and I'm getting dates fairly frequently with nice guys. I like their personality quizzes. It shows you a "match %" and I buy in to it so far

 

I've been on Match for about 3 months and haven't had a single date. Plus, I paid for it.

[Jibralta]

I found that online dating took an exhausting level of effort for little reward. It's something to do, a way to interact. But I'd probably go the Meet-up route if I find myself in the market for a mate again. Still social, but no expectations and no pressure.

[Jibralta]

I like their personality quizzes. It shows you a "match %" and I buy in to it so far.

 

I liked the quirkiness of OKCupid, but I have an issue with the personality quizzes. I liked them when I thought they were accurate. But I got into one or two situations where that personality profile was way off. Like, "more kind" was actually a sadist. He wasn't kind at all. Charming? Yes, very. Kind? No sir.

 

So I guess you've got to take it with a grain of salt.

[happpybear]

I was 33 when I joined eHarmony (I searched online for a discount coupon so I paid way less than the advertised fees!)

 

I do recommend OLD for women in their thirties looking for a quality relationship. Personally, I found it harder to meet available men around my own age IRL at my age. There is just less available men in their thirties, and so I was attracting much younger men and much older men. The paid sites are prob a better way to find men looking for something more serious

 

With eH you communicate first with prospective dates which helps you weed people out before meeting them. I found it very helpfull an I was careful in the questions I asked, I chose good questions pertaining to traits or ideals that matters to me which really helped me to avoid wasting time with tons of meets with tons of guys.

 

Also, I am a huge introvert, and when I started eH, it was the coldest winter I have ever experienced (-40 degree celsius nearly everyday) yet I still found the time and motivation to get myself out on dates. So If I can do it under those conditions, then you can too!!

 

Oh and, I did meet my BF on eH a few months after I joined, we've been together for over a year now!

[mustlovedogs]

Jibralta - yes I agree. But I've also gone through and answered questions with strong weighting that are most important to me. I think that helps a bit, and I read their answers to make sure it isn't wonky not perfect, of course, but the quiz answers get some important convos out of the way right away.

[j.man]

I'm a fan of OKCupid. I met my ex on there (2 year relationship). I went to a wedding a week ago where they met on OKC. I am back on and I'm getting dates fairly frequently with nice guys. I like their personality quizzes. It shows you a "match %" and I buy in to it so far

 

I've been on Match for about 3 months and haven't had a single date. Plus, I paid for it.

I loathed Match when I was on it. All of my dates felt like interviews and the women looked straight out of a Gatorade commercial they were so thirsty. I'm talkin the orange sweat and everything.

 

Again, though, it's a tool. It wasn't worth it for me to figure out but some people regard It as the gold standard of OLD.

 

Personally, OKC is the one site I stuck with. Even if a woman wasn't the right fit, it was usually at least somewhat fun.

[Wiseman2]

Yes definitely have a system to prevent burn out. That means some filtering beforehand and of course om dates and neither getting too attached or getting into the kid in the candy store mentality.

 

Always keep in mind that dating is the getting to know you part not the work on an insta-relationship pitfall many succumb to.

I've been thinking I should increase the number of men I meet just to get a better idea of what Im looking for. I just wish I could find a way to enjoy the dating scene without developing feelings too soon or for the wrong guys.

[mustlovedogs]

j.man - I have heard that from so many people. Match is touted as the gold standard but I haven't met anyone who liked it more than a free site (and most people just don't like it. I'm in that boat)

[Batya33]

Don't date on line or try to find love online. Use online dating sites as a way to meet in real life ASAP so that it's almost the same as meeting the person first in real life instead of on a blind date/first meet. I met great people through on line sites when I was dating - over 100 in person - minority of them were jerks, etc. No higher a percentage than if we'd first met as strangers at a bar or at an event, etc.

 

Other great way to meet people is backstage volunteering at a community theater.

 

Friends of mine/acquaintances met men through theater, salsa dancing ,tennis, neighbors, friends of friends, etc (I originally met my husband at work).

[janut1]

My daughter is in her 30's and feels the same was as you do. She is out of a 10 year relationship and finds OLD off putting. She has met a lot of weirdos and flakes so far and is totally turned off by the whole thing. I think it really does depend on your age and location how successful you are on the OLD sites. I would never try Tinder, its just a hook up site really.

 

I myself am older of course and have tried christianmingle, okc, pof, Match and Eharmony and they all have their faults. But the paid ones seem to attract people who are more serious. I have met some decent men, two who did become LTR. BUT, I also find that there are a lot of strange people and you have to be really discerning, careful and cautious.

 

I have told my daughter to try meet-ups but she doesn't want to go alone. I also recommended taking classes in something she enjoys to meet people that way. She has done that with little success. So I really don't know the answer to what the best way is to meet someone. The issue these days is more people go online to meet people then in real life. Work environments can be good too, but then working with someone you date is not a good idea, especially if it doesn't work out.

 

I say try a combo of OLD, meet ups and hobbies and see what happens.

[Jibralta]

In addition to the quizzes and personality tests, I think OKCupid also had forums where people could talk about stuff. I thought that was cool (even though I never participated in them).

[Gary Snyder]

Tinder is superficial. POF is a free site, you'll find a little bit better quality on a paid site like Match. Nevertheless, there are a lot of undesirables on dating sites. But the one could be there.

 

Multi-dating or circular dating is a good idea for some folks.

[limichelle]

I personally couldn't stand match. Eharmony you will find more serious people, I met my boyfriend ironically when I had been using paid dating sites such as Match and Eharmoney on a free online dating site. I forgot the name it was a fluke I found the site really. He was on there that night to delete his profile when my profile caught his eye.

 

You could google what you are interested in and see if there are online dating sites for like minded individuals.

 

Lisa

[greta96]

I just wish I could find a way to enjoy the dating scene without developing feelings too soon or for the wrong guys. Could it be due to lack of experience dating multiple men?

 

No, it has nothing to do with your lack of experience dating multiple men. If you are the type who develops feelings too soon or for the wrong guys, this is who you are, it's your nature. It doesn't matter how many men you date, you'll still develop feelings too soon. This used to be me, I always got attached too quickly, if the chemistry was right. And it usually happened with the wrong guys lol.

 

If you wish, use online dating as another avenue to meet men, but not the main one and most definitely not the only one. If you go that route, stay away from the hookup sites such as Tinder or POF, they are chock full of married men, unavailable men and players looking to get laid without commitment. There may be some great guys here and there, but you need to be extremely selective to find them. And if as you said, you're the type to fall for the wrong guys, then you need to be careful, because those guys are really smooth talkers and stilled at the hookup game.

 

Do you have friends you can go out with? Can you join a meetup group? Do your best to put yourself out there in any way you can, and meet guys offline. If you can do so though friends or coworkers, even better.

 

All dating comes with the risk of getting your heart broken, there's no way around it. You can help minimize this risk by taking your time, being patient, being careful and heeding even the slightest red flag, but it will always be there.

[Zaphod]

I've got a fake account on Zoosk, I think it is, that's the one that keeps sending me 40 photos of women a week. Some of them look quite tasty, but I reckon they're fake profiles. Of course, if you want to go any further you have to pay (what would you expect from something that starts to feel vaguely like an old fashioned brothel - the site itself being the "Madame").

 

Here's a weird thing - it tells me I have messages from women who say they like my photo. I don't have a photo. It's a benign account which I opened to check the birds out, in a bored moment. And guess what, you have to pay to kind of start a conversation with the women, which I would conclude are auto-generated by the site to get you to join and guess what - pay.

 

Online dating, remember, is not about enabling people to meet their partner, it's to do with making money, like any other business. So long as you bear this in mind, along with the incredibly low hit rate, then you'll avoid a lot of the traps.

[Batya33]

"Online dating, remember, is not about enabling people to meet their partner, it's to do with making money, like any other business. So long as you bear this in mind, along with the incredibly low hit rate, then you'll avoid a lot of the traps."

 

I wouldn't imagine anyone thinking that online dating sites are in it to do a public service. Neither are for-profit singles organizations, singles resorts, etc.

[lancelot873]

it is understandable to feel that way about online dating. there are a lot of bad examples more than good, but then again, real life dating is no different. it's a hit and miss either way. that being said, I am a fan of real life dating because you get to interact with the person on a common ground and get a gut feeling if it's gonna go well or not. you don't get that with online dating. everyone can sound great and fabulous until you meet them.

 

my suggestion is to try participating in volunteer events, attending professional development conferences related to your career, signing up for a local recreational sports team, all great ways to meet people outside of work and in a neutral environment.

 

good luck!

[SherrySher]

Online dating..ugh. I know there are people with good experiences, but from what I have heard in my life, it really is few and far between and it doesn't matter what site. Though POF and Tinder are well known for players.

In my own personal experience, I have found that people pretend a lot more when you meet them online. So many use old photos and are not completely honest on who they are. Never mind the fact that there are so many stories on this site alone of their "date" being back on the dating sites behind their back not long. You'd think that the internet would have given us much more chance at finding the right one, but it also has given us the chance of finding many many wrong ones.

 

If you do decide to try any of them out, take it all with a grain of salt. Go on dates with no expectations or thinking it will be love. Take it slow and don't jump into bed straight away and watch for red flags, listen to your instincts. Seeing as you're a woman, have the first dates be in a public place and be careful.

But yes, like many others have said here, the best case scenario would be to meet someone from a friend of a friend or any social activities that you are involved with, even meeting someone at work.

I wish you the best of luck!!

[mylolita]

Hi OP,

 

I understand your concerns, but I would use online dating as a background, side tool to only meet up with people who really spark your interest and seem potentially like an excellent match.

 

I am really under qualified to answer this question as I have never online dated in my life and I'm not it's biggest fan at all, much more into the regular, old fashioned way of actually meeting people to start with face to face and going from there organically, not through an online profile. Seems better for casual hook ups, not long term relationships. But again, never been on them so I wouldn't know. This comes from a girl who hates talking on the phone, so maybe take my advice with a pinch of salt!

 

My advice would be, corny as it is, focus on you - eat healthy, take up a new hobby, get yourself a new haircut, some new clothes and get out there! Boost yourself up and go out to meet people. Broaden your friendship circle and in turn you'll find you get introduced to new people all the time. I realise it's easy for me to say this, and yes, this is the long way of doing things, it does take time, but I think it's sometimes the better and more rewarding way.

 

There's nothing wrong with going along with a friend to a few daft speed dating nights or just having a few drinks and a laugh at a bar and seeing if there are any cute guys there. I think sometimes finding someone is taken far too seriously and almost made some kind of career out of - when it happens, it happens. You need to be happy with yourself and in the right place first before you can meet someone so I would work on you and feel great and simply get out there with friends. You never know! Mr. Right might be there when you least expect it, and he might be actually leaning against a bar instead of being a blurb summary on an online profile form!

 

All the best luck,

 

Lo x

[Batya33]

I am really under qualified to answer this question as I have never online dated in my life and I'm not it's biggest fan at all, much more into the regular, old fashioned way of actually meeting people to start with face to face and going from there organically, not through an online profile.

 

Several of my friends met their long term partners/spouses through on line dating sites. I know many of their children now who would not exist other than for on line dating sites. "Old fashioned" -what was old fashioned was blind dates where the parents/friends arranged for people to meet sight unseen -no photos, maybe a letter or phone call later on - (and not just arranged marriages). I went on many blind dates.

When you meet someone face to face who you originally contacted through a dating site there is no difference -you start with that first meet and take it '"organically" from there. The blurb summary plus the one phone call (I think speaking on the phone is essential including for safety reasons) is just a means to an end to meet in person and see if there is potential for going on a real first date. The summary is to attempt to screen out the people who are looking for other than marriage/long term (not a perfect method but it worked fairly well for me and if not I knew by the first meet or first date that he was just looking for a casual hook up.

 

The problem is when people date "on line" and type and talk for long periods of time, exchange multiple photos, face time etc -that skews the first meet typically in a negative way, often sabotaging it because of raised unrealistic expectations.

 

I also don't suggest the "when you least expect it" for women in their 30s who might want a child someday. I think it's crucial to be proactive at that point. It's crucial to get comfortable with it feeling like a part time job sometimes because the goal is more than worth it. I have one "least expect it friend" -she met her husband on a rainy Valentine's Day in her building's laundry room, in her 30s. Awesome story, highly unusual.

 

I agree with being the right person to find the right person.

[Gary Snyder]

Online dating and one of the old fashioned ways - blind dates..... where you are introduced by friends or family........ are now the two most popular ways people meet.

[mylolita]

Online dating and one of the old fashioned ways - blind dates..... where you are introduced by friends or family........ are now the two most popular ways people meet.

 

I have heard this - crazy! Maybe it is the old romantic part in me that refuses the idea of online dating! I find it kind of soulless but I can see how it is a massively helpful tool for billions of people to get together and meet.

 

I say good luck to anyone no matter what the method of meeting someone, it's all good.