100 Days of NC... hit with sadness...

[Cynder]

So, as of today I haven't spoken to my ex in 100 days. And it's been even longer since I looked at his social media or anything like that.

 

Most of the time I feel pretty normal. But occasionally I still get upset. Last night I had a pretty good cry. And a lot of these feelings are coming from just frustration and not being able to figure out what people want. People always say cliche things like, "You shouldn't try to be be better for anyone but yourself." "Don't try to please others." etc... Trying to please others has gotten me nowhere, because I always get it wrong. And trying to please myself hasn't gotten me very far in life either, to be honest.

 

When my ex was breaking up with me he said some of the same things that another ex of mine said 15 years ago when our relationship was crumbling. My ex from 15 years ago lied to me all the time, and was really bad about it because I always caught him. And he also lied about me to other people just to stir up drama for his own entertainment. And he cheated on me. But he claimed I had an anger problem. He said things like, "I always have to walk around on eggshells. You're always pissed off at me." Well, from my end it seemed pretty simple. Stop lying, cheating and causing trouble, and I won't be mad at you anymore. But no, all our problems were my fault and my fault only.

 

My ex husband blamed me for him cheating on me too. And when he was physically violent, his mother suggested we both go to counseling (one on one.) He went once. I went for a year. But then when we were splitting up, oh I was the kookoo crazy ass who needed counseling and everything else.

 

And my recent ex... there were times when it almost seemed like he was trying to piss me off on purpose. The last fight we were in before breaking up (the one that was the last straw for him) was because I took a vacation day from work and we planned to go have dinner at the house I just bought. I wasn't moved all the way in yet. But we were going to go have dinner there and drink a bottle of champagne and stuff. Well even though this was planned a week in advance, he knew I took a vacation day, and we talked about it the night before it was supposed to happen, he never showed up at my house until 10:30 at night. That was around the time I would have been getting home from work. And he barely communicated with me at all throughout the day. Texts asking where he was went unanswered for hours. So when he got to my house I hadn't eaten anything. I find out he was at his parents house having dinner and drinking. I told him I feel like he completely blew me off. I wasted a vacation day and everything. But according to him I'm the one with the anger problem, and I should be more considerate of his feelings. He had a bad day and had a lot of errands to run, etc. But yet he was drinking at his parents' house.

 

So after this pattern repeats itself enough I really am starting to wonder if I am the problem and I just have a warped way of seeing the world. And this goes all the way back to when I was a kid. I will give two quick examples of the kind of stuff that happened to me almost every day when I was growing up.

 

Example one... When I was in (I think) 6th grade, I came home from school and made myself a peanut butter sandwich. After I finished eating it my sister decided to make herself one too. Well my dad walked in when she was making it and got mad at her. (Now keep in mind there were no rules in my house about not eating when we came home from school. We were allowed.) So my dad walks in on my sister making a sandwich and starts yelling at her. And my sister says, "Well Cynder had one too!" And my dad comes charging into the living room, grabs me by the arm, pulls me up off the couch and screams all these obscenities in my face. Calls me a god damn effin' little brat, and then berates me for getting my sister in trouble! Uh, I didn't get my sister in trouble, she got me in trouble.

 

Example two... carrying in groceries one day. I was the first in the house with an arm load of groceries. When I went outside to grab more, all three of my siblings were coming up the porch steps. So I held the door open for them. Well when I got to the car my Mom and step dad informed me that there were no more bags to carry. But when I got in the house I got in trouble because according to them I only held the door so I could be a lazy ass and not help. Um... all the groceries were already being carried anyway... so what does it matter if I held the door? I was just trying to be nice.

 

You get the idea though... my entire childhood I was blamed for everything. I couldn't do anything right at all. And this pattern seems to have followed me into adulthood. I am not really sure if there is anything more I can say. I have spent all my life trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. And I just can never seem to figure out what other people want from me. Idk...

 

But anyway... one hundred days. Huge milestone. Any thoughts are welcome, even if there isn't much advice that can be given.

[ThatwasThen]

100 Days of NC... hit with sadness...

I'm confused. Why are you counting the days you haven't spoken to him? What purpose, other then keeping him mired in your thoughts is that to you?

[ThatwasThen]

Adding: Cynder: Have you read anything on codependency, nurturing your inner child or the importance of personal boundaries?

[Clinton]

I think in one sense you are the problem in that you keep choosing potential mates who are inappropriate and then accept bad treatment from them instead of ending it more quickly.

 

Might be self esteem issues stemming from childhood. I do think counseling might help.

[dearanyone5717]

hang in there please. all that stuff is hard. you need to be strong. I know how it feels to fight the urge to look on social media. I think the best way to get over all that stuff is to start new with each different person... perhaps you are looking for the bad traits you've experienced in your other exs in your new relationships. I'm not sure why these things keep happening but the bottom line is its not always you... you just need to be strong and find the person out there that doesn't feel the need to blame you for everything or at least gives you the respect of cherishing your feelings in certain situations.

[Cynder]

I'm confused. Why are you counting the days you haven't spoken to him? What purpose, other then keeping him mired in your thoughts is that to you?

 

Should have known posting this was a mistake...

 

I am not just sitting around counting the days. The other day i was thinking about how long its been since i talked to him. So i decided to count the days for the hell of it. A hundred days is a pretty big milestone, IMO. No contact is such a big deal on this damn forum... but i guess i should have known someone was going to twist it around and make it seem like I'm so in the wrong. This kind of drives home the (somewhat) point if this thread i guess, lol. I can't make anyone happy. Screw it..

[ThatwasThen]

Should have known posting this was a mistake...

 

I am not just sitting around counting the days. The other day i was thinking about how long its been since i talked to him. So i decided to count the days for the hell of it. A hundred days is a pretty big milestone, IMO. No contact is such a big deal on this damn forum... but i guess i should have known someone was going to twist it around and make it seem like I'm so in the wrong. This kind of drives home the (somewhat) point if this thread i guess, lol. I can't make anyone happy. Screw it..

This drives home nothing of the sort. You're taking a simple question and you're sadly twisting it so that you are a victim.

 

Don't you want to stop being a victim?

 

The reason I asked is because the goal of all of us who have gone through a breakup should be to get to the stage of indifference to our ex as quickly as possible so that we can be back to being a happy single as soon as possible.

 

You even thinking about the number of days, purposely counting them means he's still very much a part of your thoughts. 100 days of no contact is a milestone but a true milestone would be you not even thinking about how long it's been and not being able to give an exact number because you never put the last contact on the calendar to begin with.

 

I meant no harm by asking that question and I was serious about educating yourself about codependency, nurture of the inner child and the importance of personal boundaries because being congnizant of all those things will help you to learn to love yourself, be confident and to be happy with yourself by not putting so much importance about pleasing others to the point of losing yourself.

 

Be well.

[Jibralta]

You get the idea though... my entire childhood I was blamed for everything. I couldn't do anything right at all. And this pattern seems to have followed me into adulthood. I am not really sure if there is anything more I can say. I have spent all my life trying to figure out what I am doing wrong. And I just can never seem to figure out what other people want from me.

 

I would say so. Second-guessing yourself and blaming yourself may be your comfort zone.

 

There's a story about a tiger that was given as a gift to President Eisenhower. The tiger was kept in cage her entire life. It was large enough for her to pace the perimeter, but she couldn't roam. Finally, the tiger was donated to a zoo that built an enormous enclosure for her. When she was finally let out of her cage into the new enclosure, she confined herself to a small corner of the enclosure and stayed there for the rest of her life.

 

It's difficult to leave a prison, if it's the only place you know. But you do have that opportunity every day, now that you are free of your parents and your exes.

[gypsybird87]

100 days is a big milestone. And I totally get being curious and adding up the days. I've been NC for I dunno... awhile. Not as long as you, but not nearly long enough because he is still in my thoughts daily. I'm curious about my day count, but I haven't added up recently.

 

I'm sorry about what you went through as a child. My ex-husband (not the ex who brought me here), had 5 kids, all close in age with only 6 years difference between the oldest (a girl), and the youngest of four boys. Once we moved in together and I started interacting with them more as a family, I was shocked to see that the second to youngest boy was the scapegoat for everything. I mean everything. His dad blamed him first and sometimes only, no matter what the situation was. The kids's crazy mom did the same thing. And all the other kids knew it, so whenever they did something wrong, they would point the finger at him, and the parents would punish him immediately because they always blamed him anyway. Meanwhile the actual kid at fault would get off scot-free.

 

I have no idea how or why this sad dynamic got started, but I put a stop to it as best I could. The other kids weren't too pleased when their free pass of a black sheep to blame disappeared, and they started getting in trouble for their own misbehavior. I tried to bring this to my exh's attention, but it was hard for him to see it. It had been their family reality for so long, it was a nearly impossible pattern to break. Very, VERY unfair to the boy who got blamed, who naturally grew up with a lot of the insecurities that you describe. Since I'm divorced now I have no idea how he or the other kids are doing, but I really hope he's found love and acceptance somewhere.

 

No point to this post really... and no real advice to give. Just want you to know you've been heard, and you're not the only one. Sending a hug.

[boltnrun]

You're deliberately seeking men who mirror the dynamic you were raised in. You believe if you "get it right" with one of these men, it will cancel out what happened to you as a child. You probably don't know you're doing it, but by staying in relationships with men (instead of leaving at the first sign of this behavior), you're keeping yourself there because you hope to change it. You hope to get mommy and daddy to love you by substituting these men for your parents.

 

Have you considered returning to therapy? Not to "get over" your ex, but to learn healthier ways to accept (not "change") the dynamic you are used to, and to work on changing your mindset so you no longer need to try to "fix" your childhood?

 

I get it, because I never was sure my mother loved me (awful for a child, btw), so I chose a man who I had to "get" to love me so I could prove that mommy was wrong, I AM lovable. But of course it didn't work, because he didn't love me and never would.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you've managed to stay away from your ex, who doesn't get to have your love because he didn't give you his.

[Jibralta]

By the way, good job in staying NC for so long!

[Enn]

Should have known posting this was a mistake...

 

I am not just sitting around counting the days. The other day i was thinking about how long its been since i talked to him. So i decided to count the days for the hell of it. A hundred days is a pretty big milestone, IMO. No contact is such a big deal on this damn forum... but i guess i should have known someone was going to twist it around and make it seem like I'm so in the wrong. This kind of drives home the (somewhat) point if this thread i guess, lol. I can't make anyone happy. Screw it..

 

Oi stop this, nobody is twisting anything - we are all here because we understand and want to help! Nobody is saying you are wrong - in fact, bloody well done for going 100 days!

 

You might well be codependent - I definitely am. We always feel we are wrong (though deep down I think we are ace ;-) ). Which makes No Contact so hard! But stick with it! These bad feelings will come and go - accept them instead of trying to fight them.

 

I have got to a stage where I 'get off the horse' (!!!) much sooner with crap boyfriends. My last boyfriend (who has left me once before - last time, he begged to come back and I said 'OK then!') actually came back begging for another chance a few weeks ago (well in as much as three emails can), and instead of saying 'OK then!' I told him he had been terrible and then he changed his mind AGAIN! But you know what - just hearing from him (even though I really thought I wanted to) set me back a bit! The best thing is if they just bugger off and leave us to it! You deserve better, honestly.

 

I'm not there yet. You're probably not either. But maybe, together, we can get through this!

 

Keep going, you are actually doing great but you can see it yet.