Boyfriend texts female friend

[Iamamy]

I'd like to start with the fact that I do not have a problem with my boyfriend having female friends. Both his roommates are females, and I do not have a problem with that.

But, as of lately he seems to be growing a close friendship with one of his roommates, at first I could understand that they are just really good friends, no harm done. The past week and a half this roommate has gone back home to America, she's been gone for around a week and a half now. In that time he has been texting her everyday, it could be in the morning, throughout the day, 1am at night, when he's with me. It's not that he hides the fact that he's doing it, but I just can't understand why he feels the need to be in constant contact like that. He never even used to text me like that and keep in contact with me much for days until I told him how I felt, and how I don't like going days without talking to each other (we are long distance). It just bothers me that I had to approach him and ask him to contact me more but yet he is happily doing this with this friend off his own back. I really don't think it's okay, it's okay to go a few days without talking, it's unnessary to be texting at midnight. Also, he got a text at like 9 in the morning from her, she's like 6 hours or so behind us because she's in America, why is she texting him at that time? I have also been getting the impression that she has zero interest in acknowledging that I'm there when I'm at their flat, she rarely bothers to say hello to me.

My boyfriend tells me it's just friendship but I feel like it's very possible it's becoming more than that, I don't think I could emotionally handle him falling for someone else. I need advice on this.

[JustinCase2]

Tell him you don't mind him having female friends but you find it rude that he's texting them when you are together. It IS rude, and a distraction, imo. He's prioritizing somebody else over you. Tell me he's not doing this on dates.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like they are very close. Do you think something is brewing more than just roommates? What does your bf say about it?

his roommates are females. he has been texting her everyday, it could be in the morning,

My boyfriend tells me it's just friendship but I feel like it's very possible it's becoming more than that

Same guy?

[brian1024]

i would say be honest with the guy, tell him your confusing. I am sure he wont think youre crazy if youre telling him how much he means to you. Also the fact that he isnt hiding it could mean that he believes that texting her is not even close to a problem so no need to hide it from you, he probably doesnt think it bothers you that much. So let him know, but do it in a subtle way.

[ThatwasThen]

Did you actually think that him living with someone of the opposite sex wouldn't eventually lead to some kind of emotional attachment? I think you people that think there is nothing wrong with your boy/girlfriend hanging out so much with the opposite sex have a very poor understanding of human nature and attraction.

 

He's having an emotional affair with her and sadly it looks like you're going to b replaced. She's near by him every day and you're long distance.. who sounds more convenient to allow emotional bonding with?

[snoopygal]

It's disrespectful if he's texting her all the time when the two of you are together, and not because she's a female. It would be just as disrespectful if he were texting his guy friends constantly. Is this the same guy you posted about thinking it might be time to break up with a few weeks ago?

[snoopygal]

Did you actually think that him living with someone of the opposite sex wouldn't eventually lead to some kind of emotional attachment? I think you people that think there is nothing wrong with your boy/girlfriend hanging out so much with the opposite sex have a very poor understanding of human nature and attraction.

 

He's having an emotional affair with her and sadly it looks like you're going to b replaced. She's near by him every day and you're long distance.. who sounds more convenient to allow emotional bonding with?

 

I agree with ThatwasThen, he's definitely having an emotional affair. Although it doesn't sound like the case in your situation, I do think males and females are capable of having completely platonic friendships.

[ThatwasThen]

, I do think males and females are capable of having completely platonic friendships.

Yes... until they keep doing date like things together and end up emotionally attached. When opposite sex friends get into a romantic relationship with an outside mate, the OSF needs to adjust to that and the dynamic of spending one-on-one time with that friend needs to stop and the romantic partner needs to be introduced into the friendship. If either the partner or the friend do not get along, do not mesh into a friend or there is jealousy for either, then the partner has to back off from that friend or this very thing will just keep happening to ALL of you sooner or later and if not with that friend, then one that comes along later on who you (the general you) keep doing one on one date like activities with in the guise of plantonic.

 

Romantic relationship boundaries are there for a reason. We don't lose attraction to other people just because we are in love with someone else. Once the new relationship energy where's off... then you are open enough to become attracted and then attached to someone else that you have been one on one bonding with. Sayings like: "If he/she loves you, they wouldn't want anyone else" is rubbish.

[JustinCase2]

I do think males and females are capable of having completely platonic friendships.

Possibly, in the case where neither party is attracted to the other. Attraction can grow over time though with increased exposure....

[Iamamy]

Yes this is the same guy. I'm not really totally sure whether I think something is actually brewing more than friendship because I really do trust him, then again feelings aren't something that can be controlled if he is growing something more than friendship with her. We spoke about it yesterday because he had some bad news while we were together about a job he didn't get, as soon as he found out he text her and told her. After this he completely went in on himself and said he wanted to be alone, he's done this before, he will find something out that's bad and it'll bring up all these emotions for him. So where I'm feeling useless and he doesn't need me around, he is texting her about it. I confronted him and asked why he's texting her and confiding in her when he's telling me he feels unsocial and doesn't want to talk to anyone and he says that in the moment he wanted to tell someone that he works with about it and she responded and then he felt obliged to carry on replying. He said he thinks texting is totally different to having to interact with someone in real life when he feels like this. But then he also says texting doesn't mean anything, but I feel as though for someone who feels that way he does it quite a lot with her.

[Wiseman2]

Perfect. Tell him to text you even if you're in the same room so you can have a deep convo.

He said he thinks texting is totally different to having to interact with someone in real life when he feels like this.

[Iamamy]

It's the same guy yes. He's very adamant that people are people and she's just a friend. He's told me this a few times. But I really feel that this is going too far for me. I'm so in love with him I can't bring myself to break up with him over something like this because I really can't figure out whether it is becoming more than friendship because of his outlook on females/males and the bond he has with his friends. But what scares me is that this is the first person he's actually interacted with this much when he's made a friendship with them, like I said he didn't even do this with me, I had to ask him if we could contact more.

I must be honest and say that I snooped at his phone and looked at the texts between the two of them, it doesn't seem like anything flirtatious but it does seem like she will contact him if she's sad about something and he responds. He told me there's very deep things in his life that he hasn't shared with anyone but me.

[ThatwasThen]

You're with the wrong man.

[Iamamy]

You mean instead of having to interact with me in real life about something so emotional text me instead? Even if I'm there?

I'm just confused when he says texting shouldn't be used for talking about emotional things but, I just previously said I did a snoop at their texts and he was saying that he felt depressed after finding out he didn't get this job, so why is it okay to talk to her about things like this over text?

[Iamamy]

But how can I jump to breaking up with him when I can't actually be certain that this is becoming more than a friendship? How can I be certain of that when tells me he doesn't like anyone else and it isn't like that? That he'd tell me if something was going on. I guess it's more I'm scared that there's a possibility of it becoming more than a relationship, not that there is something going on.

Ugh I can't bring myself to end our relationship, I love him so much, he is such a huge part of my life and I can't bare thinking about losing him.

[ThatwasThen]

so why is it okay to talk to her about things like this over text?

Because he's emotionally bonded with her and it feels good to be involved and to keep her involved.

[Wiseman2]

Well, yeah he's the one who came up with this gem of rational: "He said he thinks texting is totally different to having to interact with someone in real life when he feels like this".

You mean instead of having to interact with me in real life about something so emotional text me instead? Even if I'm there?

[Gary Snyder]

Yes, it sounds like he has an emotional relationship with the roommate.

 

I have a question - why is he living with two girls and not his girlfriend? This does not compute. That's kinda like letting the fox live in the hen-house, no?! There might be trouble!

 

Maybe it's time for you to stake your claim and bring the dog home with you, lil' lady.

[Iamamy]

we have spoken of moving in together but it's just not something that can happen right now, he needed somewhere to live and his roommates are both people he works with so he ended up living with them. We live an hour train journey apart, like I said living together isn't something that can happen for a variety of reasons.

[snoopygal]

I can't figure out how to pick just part of a quote or multiple quotes to include in my replies, can anyone help me? That would make responding, and probably reading them so much easier.

 

Anyway, to the op, you say you completely trust him, yet you also say it's getting too far for you, and that you've snooped through his phone. That's not trust. Maybe she's just a friend, but it doesn't sound like it. They have an emotional bond that bothers you. It's outside of the relationship boundaries you're comfortable with-it would be outside mine as well.

 

I agree, spending a lot of time with someone will deepen an emotional bond, but I have male friends that i spend a lot of time with that are just that. Friends.

[ThatwasThen]

we have spoken of moving in together but it's just not something that can happen right now, he needed somewhere to live and his roommates are both people he works with so he ended up living with them. We live an hour train journey apart, like I said living together isn't something that can happen for a variety of reasons.

So he works and lives with her. No wonder they've emotionally bonded.

[Wiseman2]

If they live and work together, they have a lot more in common, a closer bond but it's unclear if it's friendship, roommates, coworkers or more.

he needed somewhere to live and his roommates are both people he works with so he ended up living with them. We live an hour train journey apart

[Iamamy]

I just can't understand why I wouldn't trust him? He's never done anything to me to lose trust in him, he's loyal and a wonderful boyfriend. But since this friend has gone away to America, I've just noticed their connection is a little more than I thought it was through the amount they speak to each other, well it seems that way anyway. I'm going to talk to him about it more tonight.

[ThatwasThen]

I just can't understand why I wouldn't trust him? He's never done anything to me to lose trust in him, he's loyal and a wonderful boyfriend. But since this friend has gone away to America, I've just noticed their connection is a little more than I thought it was through the amount they speak to each other, well it seems that way anyway. I'm going to talk to him about it more tonight.

You never noticed it before because they are always or mostly always in one another's company and had no need to text. Seems they are missing one another now that she's not there.

 

You know when you talk to him about this he's going to deny his emotional involvement with her so I suggest you google "emotional affair" and print some things off so he (and you for that matter) understand what's happening and how he can stop the interaction with her (if he wants to).

 

Good luck