Confused and hurt by what he did.

[Sweet Love]

My partner and I has been on a long distance relationship, his ex wife cheated on him by sleeping with a work colleague, and they were drunk. He stayed in that marriage in case their marriage would work again, but eventually it failed. He since then have doubts about true real relationship again until he met me. It's like a modern fairy tale, we were made for each other.

 

Recently I found out he kissed a work colleague at a bar, he said at that time he was being emotionally frozen, drunk and it was purely physical. He kissed her thinking our relationship could not work because of the distance. He was scared I will hurt him by not coming to his country to live with him, so he try to detach himself from me, being paranoid if I'll ever hurt him. He said his past has influenced his future and he shouldn't let that get in the way of our relationship. He don't have any feelings for her, he said it was a stupid mistake, he didn't want me to hurt him by not committing to the relationship, he didn't realized he hurt me. I found this out once I have made the commitment to come to his country to be with him. He loves me and want to be with me so after he knows I was definitely going to be with him, he now fully trust me, that I do want to be with him.

 

He was regretful, was sorry, and it was a meaningless kiss with two people drinking too much. I forgive him, I said I was very hurt, still hurt. I've never been drunk, never cheated on anyone, never intend to hurt his feelings, never want to do that ever. I don't know how to put myself in his shoes. Now he has hurt me, I became cold. I don't know what to do, I kept pretending we are okay but that pain still pulsing inside. I find it hard to give him all my love, I know he just want me and no one else, I can clearly see that, or else he wouldn't want me to come and live with him. But this pain is breaking me, it's like I don't want him but my love for him is greater than anything.

 

I have kissed people I don't have any feelings for before, and looking back it was a meaningless kiss that doesn't symbolize anything. I don't know how to move forward. He came to my country once, I went to his country once, this incident happened after I left his country. I am now in his country and we are together.

 

Anyone else been in my situation before? I need help. I know he loves me. Is this a test for our relationship?

[rhw]

How long have you been dating? I do agree a kiss can be very meaningless, but my concern would be the getting drunk and kissing WORK colleagues part. He will still have to see and interact with this person and with the distance, to me, that is a huge red flag. You have to decide if the relationship is worth the turmoil or not, that's what it ultimately comes down to.

[Sweet Love]

Hi thanks for the reply, going into 8 months now. This work colleague don't have any feelings for him, and they work in different areas, different offices but under the same ministry. They don't meet often for work. But have the same circle of friends. They've been friends eversince he was married. She knows I'm in the picture. She's separated and she does goes out to drink a lot. I am now with him so we are no longer in a long distance relationship. Everyone knows he is with me. But how am I supposed to be like myself, after knowing this I find it hard to be myself.

[Clinton]

Realistically how long before you can be in the same place permanently? Because long distance rarely works without an end date thats not too far in the future.

[rhw]

I can relate and I know it's a helpless feeling. While 8 months might feel like a long time, it's only a drop in the bucket. The time vested isn't extremely monumental and if you decide to break things off you will be OK. BUT If you do decide to stay, you've got to lay down some ground rules. He needs to know his actions are intolerable and will NOT be tolerated again. It really doesn't matter that everyone knows you two are together, what matters are HIS actions. He can't be going out getting drunk and kissing people and using being drunk as an excuse. It's 100% NOT OKAY and it's OKAY if you decide you can't do it. I rather break up with someone and be miserable for a short time and grow in the process, then vest more time and develop even bigger trust issues. Which in turn, will develop into YOUR own trust issues which could linger on into new relationships. If you stay, He needs to step it up and build that trust back up because without it, you've got NOTHING. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Relationships are more than love, you've got to have the foundation and that foundation is built on trust. If you can't trust your SO then you will live a life of misery. Period. If I were you, I wouldn't stay. There is just too much noise going on for such a small period of time..... Cheating....long distance.....

[Sweet Love]

Hi, we are not in long distance relationship anymore, I am now living with him and we have plans to move to another country together

[rhw]

Hi, we are not in long distance relationship anymore, I am now living with him and we have plans to move to another country together

 

Did he do this while you were long distance? Or while you were there?

[RainyCoast]

you moved countries to live with a guy who:

 

-told you he had issues from the past affecting his present feelings and choices

-you've only seen twice in person

-got physical with someone the minute you boarded the plane.

 

i'm sorry luv. i believe you've gotten yourself into a jar of pickles.

 

i would proceed with caution. the incident itself i would leave in the past, but the relationship sounds poorly construed to begin with. i hope you have a steady income should you need to move again.

[Sweet Love]

He got really drunk few weeks after I visited him. When I left to my country we've talked about moving together to a different country. That was our initial plan before we met. He said he wasn't assure whether I want to be with him or not in the end, so he did it so that if we couldn't work out he wouldn't be hurt again, at least not twice.

[Sweet Love]

He got drunk and kissed this colleague before I made the commitment to come to his country. He never opens up about his trust issues and I always thought we were fine, turns out he wasn't sure if I really wanted him or not and don't want me to hurt him, so he did this. He was in a defensive mode in case I'll ever hurt him, so he did this. If I were him, having my partner slept with someone else, I would definitely have trust issues. But he never exposed this to me. So now we have to start it all over again by discussing our fear and concerns, we never do that before. I want to make it work, him as well, but this cuts me so deep.

[RainyCoast]

okay so if you have rationalized why this incident was not about his lack of love or appreciation or seriousness with you--- why does it "cut so deep"?

[Wiseman2]

What he is confessing to is that when you're not around he cheats. But you live together and plan this big future together and forgave him, so it seems you've made your mind up about all this.

I am now living with him and we have plans to move to another country together.He kissed her thinking our relationship could not work because of the distance. He was scared I will hurt him by not coming to his country to live with him, so he try to detach himself from me, being paranoid if I'll ever hurt him.

[Sweet Love]

Because he kissed someone else. And I have read his facebook messages (I know I'm guilty of this) with her, he did say he like her. At that time I was not with him, I'm in my country. She just want to be friends and he said he is cool with being friends. It hurts because I felt like he is greedy? He loves me but don't want me to hurt him, so he did this so if I'll ever hurt him he is ready for it. He don't want to lose me, but don't want me to hurt 'him'. I didn't know how troublesome his feelings about relationships are until I found out about what happened at the bar. He never reveal anything. And yes the distance made him doubted me, but the thing is I never doubted him. He shouldn't have doubted me. I'm surprised he did.

[Sweet Love]

Hi, I have not made my mind about anything that is why I come to this forum. What I did was I forgive him. I guess no one would know what to do unless their in my shoes. I told him he need to gain my trust back. It's now July, he got drunk in June. It was very recent, so the pain is still very painful for me. I was so hurt I couldn't even cry.

[RainyCoast]

he is talking through his arse. he didn't kiss her "because he was unsure of you". that's ridiculous. not being sure of someone is not cause for kissing someone else. not sure how you can buy that tbh.

 

so adding to my list...you moved countries to be with someone who admits to have commitmnt issues due to his past, whom you've only been with twice in person, who cheats the moment you turn your back, to add insult to injury he sells you a laughable excuse, whom you don't trust to begin with so you snoop through his messages, and who admits to like another woman but agrees to friendship only until she graces him with physical contact when drunk enough. don't you feel like he settled for you just because she didn't want to date him?

 

you can't be this naive OP. i hope you see this for what it is soon enough to make arrangements for a solo living situation because you're setting yourself up for a heartbreaking future if you count on staying with him.

[Wiseman2]

This was a lie to make you feel bad and blame you for his cheating. Why are you with an alcoholic who gets drunk and cheats? That behavior and blaming your for it will only continue and get worse.

the distance made him doubted me

[Sweet Love]

I have confronted of him and we had a long talk. He thought I was gonna break up with him. He claimed he has no feelings whatsoever to that particular woman and he did it out of his insecurity that he could never have me. (Plus too much to drink) He didn't blame me for what had happened. He just didn't have faith that we could have a relationship that he always wanted, due to being betrayed by his ex. After his ex he got into a new relationship fairly quick, that didn't work because he didn't believe it could work, I think and believe he wasn't really in love with that woman so they called it off. And then he met me .. It's what he always wanted and looked for but he was scared it could not develop or I don't want him. All this comes from his troubled relationship in the past.

 

He said he can only tell me what he felt but he understands if I don't trust him. I said I need time to develop that trust again. I know he is serious about me I just could not accept some of the things that he never tell me, like all his insecurities, trust issues. I don't know him before this, seems like this is the time for him to truly expose himself to me. I know I moved countries for him. I know the sacrifices I made. He has to move countries for me soon because we can't be here forever. How do I forget about what had happened, I tend to live in the past, I don't want this to get in the way of our relationship. Now I feel like I can't give myself fully to him. I can't be like this forever. We've talked about family, kids, settling in together. But my heart still aches ..