Im so confused and destroyed

[adriansmom]

Something terrible happened last night and i cant stop crying or get no sleep. I live with my bf and have been together almost four years. He raised my son whos now four and my son admires him its like his father and its always all about him he barely look at me. Lol. However, last night we got into a really bad fight it happened in a few seconds when i ended up slamming his phone. I had like a nervous break down and honestly i blacked out and broke his phone. This happened when he walked out. Stupid argument literally for no reason. But yes i have anger issues and i kind of panick and black out and dont mean to do things. After i broke his phone i couldnt believe i did that. I swear i felt so bad i wanted to cry. I felt extremely bad because he lasted a long time to pay his phone had no back up for his records and no insurance. I didnt even know what to do i really couldnt believe i did that.

So, i was sitting on my bed afraid of what was going to happen as soon as he walks in the room and notices his phone is broken. When he saw it, he flipped out and started insulting me and calling me names infront of my son. I feel destroyed, ive never felt so hurt in my life. The first thing i told him was i really didnt mean to do that, ofcourse whos going to believe that. I didnt plan it it was literally in like one second. Now i feel like was it my fault. But really to call me all those names from to dumass, a ing idiot a retard. He called me a b**ch like 5 times and said he didnt give a about it. I felt so sad and disrespected that i got up and grabbed the remote control and aimed for his face. Did not hit him though because he moved. How ever. I cannot sleep he took his things abd broke up with me and left. We lived together. Now im destroyed, i know i was wrong but we were like perfect and plus the only man that loved my child left. What am i going to do when my son doesn't see him. I swear my son cant last 8 hours without him they have like this love for each other. Im afraid hes never going to look for him again. I feel like . I know im going to suffer like never in my life. I know i was wrong but why he insults me this way especially infront of my child. He left and now idk how to feel. Did i really deserve it? My son is going to suffer so much without him i know it. This is just horrible.

[RainyCoast]

it's not whether you deserved to be dumped. it's that he felt he didn't deserve to be raged at, attacked and have his things broken. can't argue with that. when you hit a person or their things they are not helped by the fact that you were so dissociated in that moment that you weren't in control of yourself. they're thinking if you can't control yourself enough to not hurt me i'm protecting myself and leaving.

 

it's a huge deal to explode like that. you wouldn't want someone to do that to you or your son and if they did, you wouldn't stay just because "they had a blackout". you'd leave because you didn't want someone's uncontrolled "blackouts" harming you or your kid.

 

you can mail him a new phone. and you can (and should) get help to learn healthy coping strategies for your low frustration tolerance so you don't break more things, faces or relationships.

 

i don't think he'll come back, and it's probably for the best.

[Ms Darcy]

If you have such anger management issues that you panic and blackout and don't remember what you do, then no your relationship was not perfect. It sounds like a breakup os needed for this unhealthy situation. I would strongly advise that you get into therapy and work through your own issues. Don't expect a man to stick around for more of that. And it's not fair to your son.

 

Of course, what he said to you wasn't ok but many people would kinda flip of you broke such important personal property.

[adriansmom]

lt wasnt perfect but we never argued like this. Maybe once a year or twice. Never cheated nothing. Hes literally my everything and we were goinf to move out in two months togwther and extremely excited. We loved each other deeply dididnt care about anythinf but spending time witg eachother. I tried going to therapy and they giving me tge worst medication so i thought i could try to control it or do other things. I feel so bad its like my life is over i never wanted to see my child suffering and with no dad.....thanks your right

[RainyCoast]

then no your relationship was not perfect.

i peeked at the older threads. yeah, it's been a mess

 

OP, you can do therapy without medication, you can be swicthed to a different drug if your doctor thinks you need meds, or they can adjust your dose. sometimes the drug makes you feel crappy for as long as six months before you start to feel better. i know it's a bummer, but you have to admit you can't go through life periodically smashing things and people. you're worried your son heard cursewords, but do you think he'll be unharmed from witnessing and learning your reaction to frustration? please go back to your doc and get a referral. a lot must've bugged you to have been upsetting yourself in this relationship for so long, and your history with men doesn't sound like it's helping you relate well to people.

[rhw]

I mean, it's a shame he insulted you in front of you son, but in all honesty, you didn't behave any better in FRONT of your son either. I agree with RainyCoast, mail him a new phone and it's probably best he goes. It sounds like you need to work on yourself and your anger issues instead of trying to fix what you have with him. I know it hurts. But you are teaching your son a much greater lesson by staying away to BETTER yourself than staying on a road that leads to no where in your relationship.

[songsiusedto]

Honestly, I am recognizing some signs in you that I witnessed in my ex from a few years ago. Wanting to understand you a little better, I went back and re-read some of your old threads you had started. You complain a lot about small or imagined things in the relationship. One time it was because he was smoking. Another time it was because you thought he was cheating. Yet another time, he left to go to the store while you were in the shower. And finally, one time you even got upset he wouldn't make out with you. The relationship you describe here as being 'perfect,' but your posts indicate otherwise.

 

I'm going to tell you something that I think is going on. I think you're sabotaging yourself. I think something has happened in the past you make you feel as if you are not worthy of being happy, so you find small things to nitpick about, because you can't accept a good thing while it's happening. I think you lash out and break things because you feel so out of control and feel so insecure about yourself in some respects, that you punish yourself by pushing away good people and harming yourself and personal property.

 

I don't think you're a bad person, but you need help. Here, you're focusing on the fact your boyfriend insulted you, but from what I've read, you've put the man through a lot. You destroyed his personal property. You've lashed out and called him names. You've been suspicious and downright mean sometimes. He is not perfect. No man will ever be perfect and no relationship will ever be perfect. It's just not possible. You need to stop and ask yourself why you've been trying so hard to find something wrong? Why are you harming a man who has been there for you and your son for four years?

 

Please think of your son and get help. I have witnessed my father's rage first hand. You can say you haven't shown that side around him, but trust me, as a child from an explosive home, he's seen it. You need to address why you lash out, explode, and sabotage yourself.

 

I think you need to love yourself and be the best person you can be for your son. Do not be surprised if your boyfriend doesn't come back. Honestly, he's a glutton for punishment if he does. But your relationship is toxic, and the way you treat him is not okay.

 

I really hope you seek help and learn to accept the good and express yourself in a healthy manner. I understand the feelings of lack of control and feeling like you aren't being heard. I also understand too well how to sabotage a good thing with insecurity and doubt. Please, please get help. You're worth more than this and so is your son.

[Heather Dawn]

If you have such anger management issues that you panic and blackout and don't remember what you do, then no your relationship was not perfect. It sounds like a breakup os needed for this unhealthy situation. I would strongly advise that you get into therapy and work through your own issues. Don't expect a man to stick around for more of that. And it's not fair to your son.

 

Of course, what he said to you wasn't ok but many people would kinda flip of you broke such important personal property.

 

Was going to say this, exactly.

 

OP, get some help for your anger issues. Sounds like your boyfriend just finally hit his breaking point with you. What happened WAS your fault.

[No1]

You need to go back to therapy.

As far as the phone issues and your post. Its always someone elses fault. You broke the phone and said things like I blacked out, I have anger issues, I had a nervous break down. You broke his phone. You were mad and you broke it. Then you got mad because he yelled out you in front of your son? Did you have your anger issues and break down and throw the phone in front of your son too? Did you think your BF, who worked so hard for his phone, would of come in and say Oh thats okay, my phone needed to be broken anyway? Why couldnt you take something of yours and break it? But no, you were mad at him and you broke his phone, not yours, his. So yes he is going to call you names. Then you blamed him for being mad at you and you went and grabbed the remote and thought of throwing it at him.

Yeah, you need to go back on medication. Not just for you, but for your son.

[RainyCoast]

Why couldnt you take something of yours and break it?

because it's transferred agression. symbolic. i know it's unforgivable and i won't be able to get away with it if i hit you, so i'm taking it out on your phone, which serves as a voodoo doll of you of a kind. and when you're not understanding of the fact that "i was blacking out" or whatever excuse i come up with, i am so mad at you i'll proceed to aim at your face.

 

i agree with No1 completely. i am aware that intense rage is dissociative and that it can literally feel like something has taken possession of you, and many people will say verbatim "i don't know what made me do it". but the fact that your problem is on the extreme end of the spectrum and lowers your threshold so much doesn't take away the doer. nothing and noone makes you do it. you do it. and you alone can get help to stop doing it. as long as you're saying but i was blacking out, but this and that you're not owning it and you're trying to convince yourself and others that you're helpless against your own behavior and hence should neither be held accountable for it nor expected to change it. when you lashout at or in front of loved ones, it hurts them--whether you see yourself as the doer or not. and to them, you are the doer. it's not some foreign entity, it's not the neighbour, not the Pope, it's mommy/girlfriend raging and throwing things. please do something about that.

[Wiseman2]

Do you drink too much or just making excuses for getting violent and angry and destroying property? It is your fault you flew into a rage and destroyed his phone.

 

His response was verbally as bad but you need to stop "last night we got into a really bad fight it happened in a few seconds when i ended up slamming his phone'

 

If you have an alcohol or anger or mood problem get help. What if you threw something next time and it hits your son or a person, would you be sorry then or still claim how justified you are to do harm to others' and their property because you had a jealous hissy fit?

 

If you don't want to be called names in front of your son stop destroying property and getting in violent fights. You caused all this, don't use your son as an excuse for your self pity.

I had like a nervous break down and honestly i blacked out and broke his phone. Now i feel like was it my fault.

[adriansmom]

i forgot to mention my son was only there when he insulted me at first then i sent him out, he did not see me causing more drama. but yes thank you.

[adriansmom]

thanks, and its not an excuse that's why i posted this because i know he would think the same way, but that's exactly what happened i did not mean too, i never even done that and i know i wont anymore. Its too late now, and yes its very hard...thank you

[No1]

Just go back to your therapist and get help. Youll be okay.

[Ms Darcy]

because it's transferred agression. symbolic. i know it's unforgivable and i won't be able to get away with it if i hit you, so i'm taking it out on your phone, which serves as a voodoo doll of you of a kind. and when you're not understanding of the fact that "i was blacking out" or whatever excuse i come up with, i am so mad at you i'll proceed to aim at your face.

 

Creepily spot on.

[Pinkerton]

Has he come back yet?

 

Honestly, you guys have been together for four years. That counts a little bit more than a phone in my opinion. He's really mad right now but I guarantee if you give it time he'll realize how silly the whole thing is and come around. But yes, stop destroying his things, stop throwing things at him, it really sucks to be on the receiving end of that and I don't blame him for removing himself from an escalating situation. But just commit to doing better and improving yourself through therapy and personal growth. People mess up sometimes, it's how you recover from those mistakes that count.