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Is this over reaction on my part?


Wile E Coyote

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Hi,

 

I have been hiding in the shadows reading a lot on this forum and today I thought I'd register and try to see if I can get someone else's perspective and advice. I have read a few very nice thoughts on this forum and hopefully, someone will bestow some of their knowledge in my situation. I have never posted on forum's and if I break any rules, I apologise in advance.

 

I am a 35 male and have been in a relationship for a year and a half now with a 28-year-old female.

 

our relationship, in my view, is normal. few arguments here and there. we don't live together as she lives a little farther than I do from my place of work and to avoid the morning rush, I stay at my place on weekdays and spend the weekends at hers. She will sometimes come over to my place to hang out/dinner. We both have to work early in the morning so neither of us can spend weeknights at the other person's residence.

 

Because of this, we have automatically established a pattern where she will message me in the evening when she is done with her workout and chores and dinner and we will talk every weeknight. I personally look forward to it and I would like to believe that she does as well.

 

So recently, this past Friday, her sister and niece surprised her (they live in a different country) and her family (she and her parents live separately). Which I thought was nice because her family, especially her sister, niece and mum mean a lot to her. I told her I was happy for her and I didn't bother her the entire weekend. she sporadically sent me a couple of SMS's which was ok for me because she was excited that they came. but no chat in the evening as usual. then Monday no chat in the evening. just a couple of messages during the course of the day. Tuesday no chat again a couple of messages during the course of the day. Wednesday I didn't hear from her at all. so I got a little frustrated and messaged her saying I feel like after they came, I stopped existing for you. she didn't respond to the messages. she has a habit of seeing my messages but not responding to them in a timely fashion and I have expressed my concern over it. Timely to me is not within 15 minutes or an hour or whatever. despite knowing this, I called her a little later but did not pick up the phone. so I got worried and I messaged her I hope she is ok and nothing bad has happened but if she was willingly dodging the messages, thanks for showing me my place in the past few days. I have not asked to be put in front of your family, but that does not mean I want to be the last thing on your mind either. to this, she finally responded saying I am sorry you feel this way but if you scroll up you will see that I have messaged you. I am not going to entertain this as this type of reaction is not necessary for 24 hours of no messages from me.

 

This sort of made me angry and I said when was the last time we talked like we always do in the evening since Friday? and she said I have been saying good morning and good night is that not enough for you? I took offence to that because I said after a year and a half together, I don't think this is too much of an expectation to want to talk to you once a day in the evening like we always do. she messaged back saying I am sorry you feel this way but I don't have anything to say back on this at this time. and she went to bed. I didn't respond to that last message. I am very upset because of this bs. and I do not feel like making the first move now because I feel my request was reasonable and I shouldn't have to apologise for it. so I didn't message her all day either and as expected I have not heard from her. She has had time to post on facebook today that I know but she yet again willingly ignores me.

 

So I want to see what others would think of this and get a different set of eyes on this. I don't mind admitting my mistake if I feel I am in the wrong, but this time I don't think my ask was unreasonable.

 

 

PS: Update - So she has posted twice on facebook today. once in the morning and once about half an hour ago. this irritates me further that she has time to post on facebook and tell the world, but it talking to me is not even remotely close to the top quartile of her priority list.

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You have expectations of her you've never articulated and the first way you bring it up is in a passive aggressive tone. Thanking someone for showing you 'your place' is a lame over reaction when you've never told her what you wanted.

 

She's not a mind reader. Try using your words before being passive aggressive.

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Yes, I would say you over reacted. When you told her you were happy for her that her family came to visit and didn't bother her the entire weekend, she still sent you some messages the following days except the Wednesday and then you got all twisted and sent her snarky messages. Not cool. It was petty to say the least (imo). Now the end result is two people fed-up with each other and over what??

 

You guys are mature adults. Don't let this escalate into a huge drama over nothing.

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I think the problem is how you approached it right off the bat. You were paying close attention to whether or not she initiated contact in those days, rather than simply reaching out and saying hello and checking in that way. Based off what you wrote, you immediately were passive-aggressive saying things like ' hope you are ok and nothing happened....but if you're dodging my messages thanks for showing me my place." A better way would have been to maybe just reach out and say hello to her, and then wait. And then ask if everything is okay, and leave the message at that. But you were quite desperate for a reaction from her at this point and had already read into her actions.

 

The bigger question is why you assume she's showing you your place if she isn't in touch for a few days? That would drive me crazy too. It makes me want to reply less when I know someone is already peeved at me for not doing exactly what he wants. If you would simply say to her, at a time when you guys are both calm and talking openly already, that you really like to hear from her once or twice a day, that would be a healthier approach. But getting angry that she isn't following some rules in your head that haven't been stated outright is counterproductive for you and the relationship.

 

That being said, I do understand the frustration at her not replying to you right away.How is everything else in the relationship? Do you have reasons to question her interest outside of texting? (I'm bad with texting too and get annoyed when issues arise due to or via text message).

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I would let this slide because she has visitors and has to host,etc. It's not as if she just got lazy or changed habits for no reason. You don't want to appear clingy or needy, do just go with this one time thing.

 

Keep busy so you have stuff to talk about when you see each other and it doesn't sound like you were pacing around with your phone checking it constantly.

this past Friday, her sister and niece surprised her (they live in a different country) and her family (she and her parents live separately). Which I thought was nice because her family, especially her sister, niece and mum mean a lot to her.
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Wednesday I didn't hear from her at all. so I got a little frustrated and messaged her saying I feel like after they came, I stopped existing for you. she didn't respond to the messages. she has a habit of seeing my messages but not responding to them in a timely fashion and I have expressed my concern over it. Timely to me is not within 15 minutes or an hour or whatever. despite knowing this, I called her a little later but did not pick up the phone. so I got worried and I messaged her I hope she is ok and nothing bad has happened but if she was willingly dodging the messages, thanks for showing me my place in the past few days. I have not asked to be put in front of your family, but that does not mean I want to be the last thing on your mind either. to this, she finally responded saying I am sorry you feel this way but if you scroll up you will see that I have messaged you. I am not going to entertain this as this type of reaction is not necessary for 24 hours of no messages from me.

 

This sort of made me angry and I said when was the last time we talked like we always do in the evening since Friday? and she said I have been saying good morning and good night is that not enough for you? I took offence to that because I said after a year and a half together, I don't think this is too much of an expectation to want to talk to you once a day in the evening like we always do. she messaged back saying I am sorry you feel this way but I don't have anything to say back on this at this time. and she went to bed. I didn't respond to that last message. I am very upset because of this bs. and I do not feel like making the first move now because I feel my request was reasonable and I shouldn't have to apologise for it. so I didn't message her all day either and as expected I have not heard from her. She has had time to post on facebook today that I know but she yet again willingly ignores me.

 

I can understand getting worried after communication changed from the norm, but if these were the messages you sent to her then you acted like a baby. I'm not saying she was completely correct in her reaction, either. It would have been nice if she seemed somewhat receptive to your concern. Maybe an "I'm sorry, I didn't realize..." But I do understand her need to stand up for herself after receiving messages like that. To persist in ignoring you is not very classy, however.

 

Hopefully, the two of you can come together and discuss the situation without insulting or disrespecting each other further.

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Hello everyone,

 

thank you all for your advice. Let me address them and possibly provide a bit more detail on why I reacted the way I did.

 

- the reason I said thanks for showing me my place was not just a random comment I made. I have previously talked to her a couple of times that some of the things she does make me feel like my place is last in the queue in her list of priorities. I have talked to her a couple of times that I feel your friends, co-workers come before me. I have had face to face, sit down conversation with her expressing this. For ex: I have told her that when I send her a good morning message and don't receive anything back, it makes me feel so and so and I like hearing from her as well. Prior to that, there were plenty of times where I would send a message and I would not get one back. This is one of the reasons it got to me more.

 

- Her sister and niece are staying with her parent's, not at her house. And I am honestly not bothered that she is spending all the time with them. But I had hoped that she would at least spare 15-20 minutes in the evening just to say hi how are you. feels nice. and I have also talked to her about that. face to face. We have been talking to each other every weekday evening regularly. Does it not feel nice when someone asks at the end of the day, hi how was your day? to me it does. and I have told her this. I am also not the type that stays on the phone for hours. so it wasn't as if i would be taking away hours of her time that she could spend with her sister and niece.

 

- believe me, I am not the type to pace around the phone waiting for her to message me during the day. I have a job that keeps me quite busy. but in the evening, yes I will admit that I do wait for her to finish her chores, dinner etc so I can talk to her.

 

- During the early stages of dating, I can understand not hearing from the person on a daily basis. I am ok with that. But I think after a year and a half of being together and not living under the same roof or not being able to see each other except on weekends (we don't get the chance to spend the entire weekend together either as she may have plans with her friends, I may have something scheduled etc.), the expectation of at least once a day chat is reasonable.

 

- regarding dodging messages, she has admitted to me that she does that but she does that "less to me". She intentionally avoids responding to messages. again, that sort of behavior in the early stages is understandable, some people don't want to look too eager but after year and a half, these "games" are childish in my honest opinion. and i have never ever forced her to respond within a specific time. within 15 minutes, within an hour or whatever. but i also do not subscribe to the idea that one cannot spare 20 seconds to respond to a message

 

Hope this adds a bit more background to the original scenario.

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Your frustration is understandable, even without the additional background. But your reaction was unnecessary and made things worse.

 

It is possible that the two of you have different preferences when it comes to relationships. You have restated yours repeatedly. Her persistent lack of compliance indicates to me that she doesn't sound terribly interested in accommodating your preferences. If that is the case, no amount of arguing is going to change her. Your best alternative may be to leave this relationship and hold out for someone who prefers the same level of communication as you.

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based on the feedback received here, which I truly appreciate, I do see that my reaction may have been over the top. Maybe I was frustrated because, after multiple talks and what I believed to be her understanding of where I am coming from, it was back to business as usual. which to me felt exactly what Jibralta suggested: "doesn't sound terribly interested in accommodating your preferences".

 

I will have to think hard about this one. Currently, I am leaning towards having a hard discussion about this and go from there. if it gets there. if she ghosts away, then that takes care of it by itself.

 

I do have one more question regarding this event that I was hoping someone would provide their opinion on.

 

Is the expectation of wanting to talk once a day in the evening unreasonable to have?

 

Could anyone provide thoughts on this, please?

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Is the expectation of wanting to talk once a day in the evening unreasonable to have?

 

Not for me. Not for my boyfriend. We talk multiple times a day, we both expect fairly prompt text/email replies. It's no big thing. There's no power struggle. We both like it this way, and have enjoyed this dynamic for the four years we've been together.

 

It's also been the standard in other successful relationships that I've had. I guess that's because it's my preference: If the communication is not there, neither am I.

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Update: so I got a message Friday morning after no contact on Thursday saying "good morning hope you have a good day". I responded to it with the same. and then it has been nothing but radio silence. there was nothing on Saturday. Last time there was a massive argument late last year, I reached out and apologised because I thought about it and realised I cannot expect others to do what I think I would do in certain situations. Let's see.

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