Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 This has been a summer of huge personal growth for me... I have been so centered and just really have had a lot shift in my life for the positive! Well, until this happened I have an ex who is very soul matish for me... We never were compatible because there was so much insecurity and jealousy in our relationship which led to this love/hate thing... Mostly love but when the anger was there, wow... It was heated!! I made the decision to walk away from the relationship because it just wasn't healthy but we didn't go NC. She dated a couple people and didn't tell me. I dated someone and she gave me such a hard time and wanted to know so I told her. She was devastated because I slept with that someone even though it didn't last... Anyway, she has always told me how she wanted to be with me and that I am her match and that has been hard for me because I love and adore her but something within me says, DON'T DO IT! I feel like if my gut said it was right, I wouldn't have spent the last many MANY months keeping that boundary with her. Days ago, I realized something... She has met someone (I don't know for certain but I KNOW) She was still telling me how much she adores me and wishing I had been on her recent vacation with her and how hard it was for her to be away from me... But when she got home from vacay, she would disappear the entire night and then when she got home from "whatever," she would send me a bunch of messages at midnight or 1am... Of course, I was sleeping! And I woke up to her saying things like, "Come on! Answer me. Is this just another way for you to break up with me even further??" And I realized then that she was hanging out with another woman all night and then coming home and texting me. After two nights of this, she was going to do it again and I decided to not wait for her to get home from her date and sent her a loving message telling her I am blocking her and going NC and I wish her happiness and that I love her and I know we will talk again at some point. My two questions are... 1) I was the one that didn't want to continue a dysfunctional relationship but we have always loved each other... So why am I SO rocked by her moving on? 2) Why would she be going out with a new person and coming home and texting me?? I am trying to wrap my head around this. We have mutual friends and work together but not in a way that I will have to see her often... I feel like I can get myself to a place where I feel okay during the day and maybe right before bed but I have woken up the last two nights and it was like a red hot poker to my solar plexus... Any thoughts? Link to comment
surfdiva Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Ugh, I'm sorry. I know how it feels. But first, congratulations on moving on from a relationship you know wasn't good for you! To answer your questions though 1) you're rocked by her moving on because even though it was a toxic relationship, you still have feelings. It hurts when the other partner moves on. It always does. My ex from 10 months ago (lived together) is now living with another woman. I physically can NOT stand him and have zero feelings for him but it sucks, he's moved on to someone new and I haven't. 2) She's texting you for an ego boost and breadcrumbs. You need to block her and move on, it's hard but honestly the best advice I've received here. Good luck to you, it WILL get better with time! Link to comment
Clinton Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 My thought is that staying in contact with an ex is usually an unmitigated disaster and not worth it. By staying in contact you both seem to have been prevented from moving on fully. You're an adult and you get to choose, but for the both of you this seems detrimental. Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Yes, I agree with you both! It was a terrible idea and had we gone NC 6 months ago, we might be able to be friends at this point... Surfdiva- I appreciate you getting that you can still have feelings even if you were the one that called it off... The thing about breadcrumbs is that I thought breadcrumbs were typically sent by the dumper! Why would she need an ego boost from me if she is in a new relationship?? I don't know... I just think that I have such a hard time when someone says how much they adore you and only want to be wanted by you while at the same time, they are getting into a relationship with someone else... Link to comment
Clinton Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 You dumped her. This is her saying i dont need you. Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Sort of! But if that were true then why would she want to continue our "relationship?" If she wanted to show me she doesn't need me, she would just move on rather than be seeing someone new while still telling me how much she wishes things were different with us. Link to comment
cheetodorito Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 It feels that way because that's the way it's supposed to feel when an ex moves on. But you will move on too, and someone has to do it first. She will feel the same when she sees that you moved on. But I would advise you to go NC, for the sake of a future relationship you might have, especially if she's still 'playing you'. Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Thanks Cheeto... We both kind of "moved on" before this but this is the first time that she moved on with the intention of a relationship with someone else... That is the difference... But yes, people don't get that it hurts even when you were the "dumper" and I hate that word because I still wished things could be different with us but too much sh*t happened to let us be good together... That is why it hurts... And I guess you then always wonder things like, "Will she be able to be normal with that person in the ways that I wish we could have been." Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Hi Soulsister, Sorry to see you are still struggling while you are trying to move on from this. This is a perfect example of why not remainining `friendly' and maintaining NC is sooo important. Without it you are exposed to their unresolved grief, as if your own isn't enough and you get to drag each other through your new goings on which actually you shouldn't want any part of. It makes an already painful experience more painful than necessary and impedes your healing. NC, NC, total NC. It's the kindest gift you can give to yourself. Since you and I first communicated, I ended a relationship. I get pangs of pain thinking he may be with someone else. But I do not know and nor do I want to. It just messes with your head. Please be kind to yourself. Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Thank you, Reinventyourself. Thank you... Thank you... I am sorry for the end of your relationship but I appreciate knowing that you understand... I wish I didn't know that she was seeing someone. Well, I don't know but I do... I know no specifics and I'm glad but I really have to get away from being focused on it... I just found out that we will all be at the same training in a week and I will have to avoid her somehow... It's just so weird. And I know it will be weird for her too... But I have gone NC in the past and it really does heal. I have no idea why it took me so long to go NC this time. I just haven't wanted to let go of her - not really. Link to comment
surfdiva Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Yes, I agree with you both! It was a terrible idea and had we gone NC 6 months ago, we might be able to be friends at this point... Surfdiva- I appreciate you getting that you can still have feelings even if you were the one that called it off... The thing about breadcrumbs is that I thought breadcrumbs were typically sent by the dumper! Why would she need an ego boost from me if she is in a new relationship?? I don't know... I just think that I have such a hard time when someone says how much they adore you and only want to be wanted by you while at the same time, they are getting into a relationship with someone else... I don't know, maybe breadcrumbs is the wrong wording. I think she's still reaching out to you to make sure you're not forgetting her...kind of "remember me...the one you dumped....aren't you sorry now that I'm with someone else"? Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 Yeah... In a way, I think that is true except she has never admitted to me that she is with someone else... I can just tell by her actions... I think her heart is still open to me but she is pursuing someone else and so she still wants that heart connection from me... And I get it. For the last many months, we dated other people but were not connected to them in that same heart string way that we were connected to each other.. So I guess in that way, not much has changed. She now wants to pursue someone else while still being connected to me emotionally and you know what is so effing weird about this situation? It's identical to something I went through years ago with someone else... And I went NC. She did the same thing. Reached out with a message or with a song... Wanted to stay connected to have that piece that she didn't have with her new person... And their relationship was not happy and eventually fell apart. I think a little part of me wishes that she and I could have made it work which is silly, I know. But I know that NC brings insane amounts of clarity. I had no idea how much I needed to do NC and be single for probably a year after her. I thought I was over her but I wasn't. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 Uhg, NC is really hard when your heart wants something else. But you need to think logically, not emotionally. At times like this our emotions play tricks on us. You know better. You know you do. Link to comment
Nebraskagirl14 Posted August 4, 2016 Author Share Posted August 4, 2016 I do ❤️ Thanks, Reinventmyself. Funny, I was reading back a few years ago to something I posted after I went NC and felt WAY better after a relationship. They are some of the best words I have ever read... They weren't my own words but words that I posted from someone that gave me advice. Funny how we go through things until we get it right but reading what I conveyed a couple of years ago helped me AGAIN!! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted August 4, 2016 Share Posted August 4, 2016 I do ❤️ Thanks, Reinventmyself. Funny, I was reading back a few years ago to something I posted after I went NC and felt WAY better after a relationship. They are some of the best words I have ever read... They weren't my own words but words that I posted from someone that gave me advice. Funny how we go through things until we get it right but reading what I conveyed a couple of years ago helped me AGAIN!! you can do this! Link to comment
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