Breakup of a beginning relationship, 11+ months 33m/32f

[Kao]

Hello Folks, ill try to keep it very short, but it doesnt work. kinda sad story probably.

 

im a 33m loser type guy from germany, didnt have many relationships in the last 7 years (or very short ones) because of a major depression and i also didnt want to.

 

last year i met a woman in psychiatry (we were both patients there because of depression) ofc we both had a tough time emotionally, and she left her boyfriend during this time and at first it seemed like i was playing that role to help her get over it. the relationship she had also was quite malicious, he talked disrespectfully to her and also hurt her phsyically on 2 or 3 occasions. the stories were too much for my ears in parts.

 

well in psychiatry there didnt happen anything yet, we just spend the last 1 of the 3 months almost solely together and enjoyed the time. because i was really depressed, and encouraged by therapists to explore my feelings, obviously i fell in love to her really hard (only once, at the age of 17, i felt similar towards a girl)

 

well we met after psychiatry and talked about all of it. quite honestly i guess, she told me that i helped her get over it ofc, but there are some emotions already.

 

but she also told me she had to stay alone and get healthy on her own, and that she has problems in that area and provokes men into behaving badly towards her (?). and her patterns are probably that she tries to help guys and make em happy, going a little over the top and then becoming annoying maybe. (i dont know yet, im just at the start of this. but she told me that happened in all of her earlier relationships)

 

i didnt give up and told her that i will always try to get non-platonitc, if we stay in contact, and manipulated her into that direction and also told her so honestly. it was part of our flirt, i guess, and she quite enjoyed it.

 

well after 3 or 4 days when we came to the core, we got active sexually. i guess it was rather spontanous from her because i know she's been rather relaxed in that area before, but it was my chance ofc. well it was a blast and she was really surprised and happy and well we stayed together over 3 weeks, mostly in bed, had a great time.

 

i guess that was the only thing i have to offer, other than some potential of becoming a more developed human^ and being a really calm, gentle and friendly guy (i think so, and she also tells me even now)

 

but ok afterwards we met like 2-3 times a month until now. it was mostly good and we never had any arguments until may of this year ( thats 9 months)

 

we still didnt call it a real relationship but we were behaving like in one, although we dont live in the same city. the speed ofc was rather slow because we didnt meet so much as if we were in the same town.

 

well i probably escaped a little in that (happy) reality with her, and left my own life behind. because now im starting to get depressed again and cant manage my way towards a better life. that was the topic of our first argument too. while she was really emotionally more unstable than me, before therapy, during therapy, and after, and i also helped her a lot during that time - shes now feeling much better, while i dont.

 

and she started to want a real relationship with me from that time on (april - may of this year) while i dont even really know what that means. but fact is that im missing some parts in my development to offer that to her, i knew that before and during that time, and always thought we could keep it more "friend-platonic with benefits" style since she also didnt want a real relationship.

 

so i started working now from beginning of june, im in therapy again, which i quite before because "i dont know, im a moron" but time's running out.

 

we just met 4 times since beginning of june, because she was in spain (her home country, were in germany btw)longer and i was on action bycicle trip for two weeks too. mostly it was ok and the sex is still great, but since were both a little more depressed now we started getting sick at the house a little and had small arguments/not such a nice time

 

well until yesterday. she was proposing movies i dont really enjoy, noticed i get bored and wanted to help me to get out of a bad mood, but i didnt even try. i ignored her for like 1 hour mostly because she also had said something whih really hurt me, about how im so negative again, and i didnt get outta that hole the whole evening and spent the night on the couch. before i tried to talk to her, but it was too late already - she said there isnt much to say, if i had anything to say, and didnt really respond to me.

she asked me for stuff which sie was doing wrong and when i said some smaller stuff again didnt react to it. so i tried to start a serious conversation about our problems before we went to sleep seperately.

 

next morning i was going home and now she says she's in her old patterns again, and she would be dishonest to herself if she wouldnt quit our relationship now. because she has sworn not to do this again (try to help a guy and giving too much energy into this, which doesnt work at all ofc. i also dont want her to do that and have to do it myself that's clear. beyond some point at least.. sure we try to help each other a little but not too much)

 

well this was today. and she was crying really long and said she'S just sad that it cant be, that i havent done anything wrong besides not fighting enough for my better life. that im great man and we'll stay in contact in a friendship (?) once we have recovered from the heaviest feelings.

 

we were at the railway station in a bigger city and it was a real bad environment to talk about this stuff. so i talked her into going to some park for an hour and talk calmly again, in the sun, which she agreed to. and then seperate not so hasty.

 

i also didnt want to leave her alone in that state honestly, she was really confused, how all that happened again. it didnt really happen much but i hurt her by ignoring her, and triggering her into old stuff from relationships happening again.

 

and by staying out of her bed that night i wanted to be respectful, because i already felt there was a major thing going on, and leave her room. but it made it even worse she didnt understand that dunno.

 

we wrote a little and she'S still saying theres nothing really wrong that ive done, and that she still loves me, and that im great, and shouldnt feel bad about what happened. it'S both ours fault (yea i agree about that probably, were not good at relationships)

 

i asked her if she'S well this evening, and meeting friends, which i guess she isnt doing but i advised her to. she said we shouldnt talk for some days at least and nothing much more.

 

so now my main dilemma is, because my personal fault is also not "really wanting" a thing.. like not really fighting to get a better life, into therapy, not for her anymore maybe?

 

should i do again? or should i just leave her? im feeling i might be bad for her health and feelings in the current state im in at the moment.. but at the same time i probably helped her at the beginning a lot.

 

but as far as i can "really want something", i want to love her and spend my time with her. but im also afraid i might be bad for her, which she says i am solely through the fact that im not feeling good often, and were both depressed and hurt each other.

 

she also said well definitely see each other, soon, so although platonic she's still loving me etc.. !?

 

so my plan now would be to leave her until mid of the month, her dad comes visiting her too from 5.-15 of august.. and then think about something to try again..

 

invite her to come to me and be the gentleman i was (despite half of this weekend) and try to make her happy and think about it again. try to walk calmly, we promised each other to be good to each other no matter what happens and well she also said yesterday well meet definitely and she just needs a week at least without contact. i feel we both have problems with managing conflicts and this was an example for it..

 

well im really confused and sad after all so ill just stop mid way and write more if there'll be any replies.

 

also im visiting a friend in 1 hour so im not all alone tonight, and can talk about it. he's also not the best expert for relationships though *sigh

 

thanks for reading and any input

 

im especially interested in advice from women and people with a lot of experience in relationships

 

UPDATE: ok this was yesterday evening and i was at a friend talking about our vacations, checking out those incredible pictures from a coastal sundawn, and talking about it - and im ok for now. friend said thing to do is as not much happened and continue to improve myself, thats at the same way the only way i could do something for the old relationship, get full of energy again and i reached a lot already and shouldnt stumble now. so its over for me probably and ill try to get a relaxed view of it and see whatever happens

 

still main question about this kind of relationship would be hurtful for us or any input is welcome. she got plenty friends most are musicians etc so i guess she'll be good after some time, ill defintely not message her for next weeks if she doesnt, since she said no contact for now and i dont wanna press or anything and i got stuff to do and also some good friends at least, although not a huge network of contacts for different stuff.

 

main problems from my side are the depression ones on her side too, for example this weekend we were planning to go to a festival, i had the tickets and a nice crowd of people ready for it (my friends) but she hurt herself at the leg and i had to get rid of the tickets in very short time, and came to visit her.

she said i should go there alone but i didnt want to, although im sure she wouldnt been pissed if i had done so.

that and additionally that we didnt manage to make some vacation together this year, while talking on saturday about going to spain in september.

i just feel its hard to start spontanous acivities with her too, while she claims she's more active in her life than me, i think different and would say she does the stuff she "must" do better than me, but is quite limited to enjoy her life as well.

 

its wednesday now and im still feeling very miserable ofc. it was the first time in the last years i honestly wanted to try for a serious relationship, before i just had affairs and was in the european electronic scene, which i totally quit around 2,5 years ago and try to go for a rather normal life.

my friends are good friens but also real chaotic and free minded. so im looking for solid opinions here. did i hurt her too much? i know she is used to accepting bad treatment from her ex and dont want to be the same. thats the most important thing for me probably, as it was getting her seperated from him and feel better.

 

tl;dr: should i fight for this relationship, or keep the good stuff in memory before it get's a bad one and leave her? i guess we could stay good friends since we have some stuff in common. i'm looking for what's best for both of us. the danger or 2 depressed ppl trying for a relationship was present even at start and we talked about it.

 

She also said we're now at the point of when to decide if we can try a relationship or not, and because of the 2 mentioned main problems (im not going fast enough in self-improvent and i hurt her really with that ignorance and attitude i had on sundayy evening.) she cannot go into a relationship with me.

and that she enjoyed the time and is thankful.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she was always confused about staying friends or being in a relationship, but saying for now she wants the friendzone. Do you think this is because in the beginning you were like an ersatz bf after her breakup?

She also said we're now at the point of when to decide if we can try a relationship or not, and because of the 2 mentioned main problems she cannot go into a relationship with me.

and that she enjoyed the time and is thankful.

[Kao]

its more because she learnt through her ex boyfriend and through therapy that she has problems in intimate relationships.

on the one side she let herself treat really badly by him, on the other side she has a huge temper too and she's the one in charge in our relationship. while i got her respect and she treats me well, in the end she is dominant

 

and now we had a bad ending of that weekend, and she thinks all will repeat itself and i will grow hate towards her if we continue. but im a totally different person, the maximum ill do is cut contact for some time / ignore her if attempts of talking fail and i feel like im in some corner.

 

but yea your core question is right of course. we never had a real relationship, and she first started wanting one in may 2016. i didnt take the right steps and speed to make that work out in her imagionation though, it seems.

so im quite sure she really loves me now and in the last months but there's that danger of our depressions

[Kao]

and she is confused and unsure about it since the beginning, since originally she wanted to stay solo. she's been in many bad relationships without much time solo.

but she admitted to me yesterday that she wanted a relationship too from the beginning, when i said im sorry that i "naively" tried to get into one with her.

i also got alot of stuff for her done which her ex never even thought about, although he's stable in his life and he would've had the possibilities.

 

but midway i convinced her and we had a great time too, we can trust each other even now and it was a fair talk and it is loving between us.

 

she also said its the hardest breakup ever because there are no clear reasons for it and she loves me (monday), it was the best sex life she had and i even believe all of that.

 

that's why im confused..

 

ah well time to move on for now.

 

im open to direct criticism, or if my post is too chaotic/unreadable too. any input welcome, thanks.

[Kao]

so after reading about rebound relationships new thoughts.

 

they seperated in june 2015. we were in psychiatry mai to august 2015.

our meeting outside and the talking about that rebound stuff was in late august 2015

she worked in therapy a lot about that relationship and came to the conclusion that it was a really bad one, he treated her badly, and her patterns which lead to her allowing this. they didnt have any contact for some time then. i didnt even really know much about him, and we didnt talk about him in therapy. only at the very end when we got closer and wanted to see afterwards.

 

i met her ex on christmas 2015, when i was at her and celeberate with her best friend and her boyfriend. the ex just invited himself (they have friends in common) against her being against that. it was really weird but obvious she also wanted to show him she's happy now with me. i also said she owe me some for that action now... joking. but it was a weird situation for almost all of em (ex of her best friend also was there for a short time)

well i got a little drunk there and even talked alone with him and it was ok. i also was curious how he is and if her picture telling me fits that, so that was my chance.

 

he was feeling really weird in that constellation so he stayed for only like 2 hours, and afterwards they met once and she said him that she still doesnt want contact if he still wants a relationship with her. and that she's very clear now that she doesnt even want a friendship. in that talk he also told her that he even cheated on her (with the wife of a friend of him, losing access to those too)

she has grown hate towards him about the way he manipulated and treated her, and couldnt deal with that. i know it was a topic in her therapy still in like january and during that time she started talking a little to me too about him again. but i had the feeling it was solely that hate and before and afterwards she didnt talk much.

 

the only thing they got in common is that theyre both musicians, and he's a piano teacher which she really likes.

in the last months since then the only time she talked about him was when she met him on the street or at friends, and immediately closed contact / left all the time.

i do believe her and also know it from her friends how theyre joking about those situations when they met.

 

so i guess she had him mostly out of her had by that time (february latest) and she never wanted to go back to him that's sure.

 

at the same time he earns more money than me and is more stable, so i do believe the main problems now are that im not stable enough and she cannot imagine a real future in a relationship. although im sure im more developed in human relationships than him, and also helped her in that sexual area and being really nice to each other consitently. i guess only her first boyfriend from 16-22 was similar to her and that'S what hurts her now.

probably my own imaginations also dont fit all that stuff, as i said im well aware of our situation and couldnt imagine a real relationship as i understand it myself. but i think there are many ways and wanted a mixture between relationship and friendship, but that doesnt seem to work out now.

maybe her feelings are stronger now than mine, because i already was prepared of her dumping me latest since may.