Finding my boyfriend had been texting another woman

[JessicaAnne578]

Ive been with my boyfriend a year. I was cheated on in the past but I told myself I wouldn't let it affect me this time around- whelp It sure did. About 2 weeks into dating he had a girl he dated still lingering blowing up his phone and telling him she misses him etc etc. We had already had this discussion to cut all exes or past love interests off so we wouldn't have drama. He told me he texted her to leave him alone. About a month in this same girl leaves a CD on his door stated "I thought you would like this I love you" I was furious and told him she has no respect coming by your house and doing this now that you have a new girlfriend. He called her infront of me and told her to leave him be he wants nothing to do with her. I was upset but glad he handled it.

 

About 2 months in he moved to my state to be closer to be (originally and hour and 15 away and he moved 10 mins away now) while he was looking for jobs he left his email open and I know its bad but I checked and I saw an email he sent to her after we had a romantic weekend stating "i think of you often, I hope all is well" Now some may say this is innocent but I perceived it as being very messed up especially since it was a girl who still was in love with him and clearly expressed it and expressed no respect for our new relationship. We had a huge blow out and he apologized saying hes not sure why he wrote that. That email shook my trust even further. Over the course of the summer I did have some small fights with him about girls I knew he was romantically intimate with before we met still (like just weeks before we met not super old gf's) still being on his social media commenting on things and private messaging him about how they want to meet me. Sure it sounds nice but I know girls can be catty especially when the guy they were interested in got snatched up by some other girl so I wanted nothing to do with it.

 

He was a very sweet, loving, do anything for me type of boyfriend. Texted all day long, always told me he loved me, cooked me dinner every night then we would go to sleep in eachothers arms. He was also very handsome a former fitness model. (Which played into my insecurities of course) We had 2 big fights about 4 months in and then 6 months in over him getting jealous. We went out both times and a man approached me and I introduced my boyfriend to him just saying boyfriend this is so and so a friend from back in the day. He got made because one guy didn't know my real name- I told him when I was 21 I would give out an alias at bars it was just a funny thing to do and some guys I never corrected them. But I didn't have this guys number, email, facebook nothing so it shouldn't matter hes no one I see or am in contact with (I stopped going to bars, I spent every night with my boyfriend, only time I did a bar was if he came) so told him he need not worry but he stormed off and a huge fight ensued. About 2 months later a similar fight over him asking if I hooked up with any guys from college I was introducing him to at my reunion. Not sure why that even mattered it was 8 years ago.. so we fought and I actually broke up with him for a few hours over this ( which I regretted and ran back quickly apologizing).

 

I think I fought so heavily because he was trying to accuse me of things when I would be the one who would see actual things, like that email he sent then another time about 5 months in I check his phone and it was a message to some girl natalie saying "hey you" now I know he uses hey you when flirting its his thing so I questioned him and he said he has no idea who that person is and it must have been a phone glitch and it restored to his phone when he switched phones. (meanwhile it had that days date on it) We fought about it he called me insecure and jealous and to cut it out so I let it go because I'm not an Apple person so I didn't know. Now I know that was complete BS, if it restored it would have the old date of when it was sent. We went on an amazing vacation to his family cottage after that and everything was fine. My friends loved him, my family loved him and he would boast about how I was the best woman he ever met and how lucky he was to be in love with him. He was so affectionate and loving and he came home to me every night and we hung out all weekend so I kept thinking hes not cheating let it go

 

I then saw about 8 months in he had a snapchat account which of course in the beginning we both said we would delete because we agreed it was more like sextchat. He apologized said he didn't realize it was still downloaded and he deleted him. About 10 months in he became a personal trainer and I went batsh*t crazy. I know what he looks like and hes the absolute hottest trainer at his gym by far and I saw how girls looked at him when him and I were at the gym together so I could only imagine alone. Since I already didn't trust him 100% and I was insecure it just didn't go well. He then made an Instagram showing his workouts and muscles and it drove me nuts that he would friend half naked women and on top of it he wouldn't let me comment on his posts.. said it was unprofessional. we fought and fought about this. I gave him a few ultimatum a few times and would fight or break up that either is social media or me because he knows this is bothering me but he wont stop so hes not considering my feelings. That he can train but he doesn't need to add half naked women and post shirtless selfies where is visible to me and agitates me. I told him I don't want to marry a man and be 8 months pregnant wonder who my husband is friending or who is private messaging him or who is writing on his pictures. (Yes has to do with my insecurity but also to do with not wanting this stupid added social media temptation and drama)

 

so long story short about 1 year in I snooped and found that he was indeed texting some woman inappropriately for 6 months he found on and online chat forum. I contacted her and she said they only chilled 4 time during the day nothing sexual happened besides kissing. I immediately broke up with him. He begged for 30 days for forgiveness while all I did was fight and belittle him. He spoke with my parents and after that I decided to take him back, I was hurt and sad that he did what he promised he never do and that cheat but I loved him so much. When I took him back he was good and loving and gave me his passcodes to his phone and email but he was still texting some gym coworker who was older and married. I got so mad that he though texting any woman I never met or heard of after he just got caught cheating. he said he will cut her off- he did for like a week but then they started chatting again. he wasn't flirting but she definitely was. I broke up with him again mad he couldn't keep his word to cut her off and that he was entertaining this woman who was flirting and asking him to lunch. I called her too and she apparently didn't know about me. I'm livid. He is again begging for me to go back to him that I'm misconstruing the situation she is just a friend and gym confidant to talk to about why he was fired from the gym and to help him get his job back. I told him I don't care because she is obviously flirting and this shouldn't take place during our reconciliation.

 

He is now flipping the script and telling I didn't appreciate his love, I was too jealous and fought over stupid things, I snooped looking for things and now that I finally found something I'm using it as an excuse to run. I'm ruining the best friendship and relationship either of us has had. And he wanted to marry me but I'm being a cruel and harsh to his love and I'm being vindictive by calling the woman and defaming his character with his friends and colleagues.

 

My question is am I completely wrong for handling things the way I have? Am I to blame for this relationship going south because I looked and made little things into bigger things? Did me fighting and breaking up with him (for only hours) cause him to go out and find someother woman to cheat with (even though it was only kissing?) I was strong before but now I miss him dearly and feel like I sabotaged my relationship with this man who was so loving and always there for me and my family. Advice anyone?

 

** p.s. I made the mistake of telling my family the first time I caught him then about the texts with his old coworker and they now hate him and tell me he will be a serial cheater no matter his promises of change and love and that I'm the only women for him and he needs me to forgive him because I'm all he has. My mother told him off that I deserve better and hes no longer welcome in the family

[becomingkate]

He isn't and will never be loyal to you.

Good riddance!

To quote an old song, "he ain't pretty, he just looks that way."

[Wiseman2]

He's cheating and lying, what else was there to do besides breakup? The relationship was fraught with suspicion, cat-and-mouse games and deception. Just a bunch of nonsense drama. You also know that he was not over the ex and actively encouraged her attention and strung her along.

 

He is feeding you bs about 'he wanted to marry me but I'm being a cruel and harsh to his love', this line was to twist the knife that you are not only crazy but to regret dumping him. He sounds kind of like a self proclaimed Casanova/god's gift type guy.

I contacted her and she said they only chilled 4 time during the day nothing sexual happened besides kissing. I immediately broke up with him.

He is now flipping the script and telling I didn't appreciate his love, I was too jealous and fought over stupid things

[Blue Ridge]

I think you've seen all the evidence you need that this man will never be trustworthy.

[JessicaAnne578]

Thanks. Hes really making me feel bad. Granted I was very angry and I said horrible things and broke up with him numerous times these past 2 months despite him trying to tell me he loves me and will never do it again. He just keeps blaming me now for making out relationship about stupid social media and issues surrounding it.

 

That he loves me with all his heart and he moved his entire life here for me that I should appreciate that and shouldn't have snooped constantly and then blowing out of proportion what I found by breaking up with him or fighting with him all day long about insignificant things. That I made him feel dispensable and easily thrown out, that's why he sought out some other girl for comfort when I would go on my crazy trips and flip out and fight with him. at first she was just a talking outlet but it lead to kissing he said. What I don't get is the only thing I fought with him was suspected inappropriate contact with other women. So he just goes and does it? It baffles me.

 

I once apologized for being so crazy and told him I don't want to push him to the point he stops loving me and cheats and his response was he loves me with all his heart and he would never cheat on me like my exes and I need to stop comparing him to them and ruining our relationship. That cheaters cheat and nothing pushes them to do that so I need to stop worrying and snooping because he is not a cheater.

 

Per my conversation with the girl he saw 4 times. He apparently went to go see her 3 days later. So I guess he answered my question and hes just a cheater.

 

I do have friends who are trying to play devils advocate telling me that he was so good to me and that I did fight over petty things. That all guys add half naked women on social media and I need to learn to be OK with that. And that my ex is really hot so naturally girls will flirt with him so not to be bothered by the comments. I know this is all true but I guess being able to read and see on a daily basis the girls flirting bothers me. If it happens when I'm not around then what can I do but visibly seeing it on Instagram makes me fight with my boyfriend that he should represent me on his page so these women know to back off or I will have to tell the girls off. Turns into a mess

[gebaird]

Being in a relationship is a privilege, not a right. He's not doing his part. You are not being unreasonable at all for expecting monogamy. I'm sure things were good when his attention was on you, but he couldn't keep it there. He's got a pattern of lying and cheating that isn't going to stop. Maybe someday he will grow up and learn what it takes to be in a relationship with a real woman, but at the moment he just wants to be a player. He's a boy in man's clothing. You don't need that in your life, and if he's going to turn around and blame you for ending the relationship I would call B.S. You may have insecurities, but you did not create this reality. Leave him behind and focus on healing. If you go back it will keep ending the same way.

[ThatwasThen]

still being on his social media commenting on things and private messaging him about how they want to meet me. Sure it sounds nice but I know girls can be catty especially when the guy they were interested in got snatched up by some other girl so I wanted nothing to do with it.

I was with you until I read that and then I just thought "wow, that's not a boundary you have up its a wall like the one they have in China.

 

He could use some relationship boundary lessons and you could use some to lighten up. A compromise is in order IMO. Consider that after you dump this one and find someone at least capable of being able to focus.

[Ms Darcy]

He's cheating and lying, what else was there to do besides breakup? The relationship was fraught with suspicion, cat-and-mouse games and deception. Just a bunch of nonsense drama. You also know that he was not over the ex and actively encouraged her attention and strung her along..

 

Yup. What a crap relationship. Perhaps you can see a therapist to get some insight on why your relationships are so unhealthy?