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Can't hate her, part of me still wants her back.


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This is a thread related to a thread I posted in Healing after break-up and divorce. A week ago I found out my (ex) Girlfriend had been haveing a 5-month affair with another guy, he also not knowing about me. I've spent all weekend wanting to hate her and believe she is the monster that everyone now wants me to believe she is but I just can't. I can't hate her, I keep thinking of reasons as to how it might have happened and how if I was in the same situation I might have done the same. There's no justification to cheating like she has but I keep trying to rationalise it in my head at least to try to understand.


The clincher is she has now left me for this dude and rather than saying "Have her"; I'm not so secretly would still consider taking her back. It pains me more that she has chosen him than that she's done... Has anyone else felt like this after your partner has cheated?

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I think some people react to hurt by trying to draw it closer ( like you), whereas others may react by pushing the source away. Both have to work through the pain on their own eventually.


I was very angry when I was cheated on and wouldn't have taken him back even if he had crawled through glass. Did I miss him? Of course! I still loved him too. But I didn't like him to look at him.


Who's opinion counts more - her opinion of you or yours? She didn't choose him so much as choose to be a selfish jerk - to both of you! It's not like he's been treated better, he's being treated like scraps too.


I think there's room to realize you still care about her AND be angry as well. She's already hurt you- playing nice isn't going to change who she is or what she is.

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There is no reason you should hate her - you can't nor should change your own personality. It is up to you how you feel and deal with this. Only you are inside your head and heart, and only you can decide how to behave. Hate is a pointless and destructive emotion anyway.


Most people will immediately tell you she is no good and that you should hate her - they are not living your life. Do what feels right for you.


Just to qualify - I have not cheated but have been cheated on in the past and I did not hate, just felt incredibly hurt.

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These are important points. You don't have to hate her, but now you have a clearer picture of the operation of her mind. And...that itself is a real deterrent from ever wanting to reconcile

There's no justification to cheating like she has . I'm not so secretly would still consider taking her back.
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i actually applaud you for not giving in to hate. i would understand if you did, but the blatantly obvious thing about hate is it's just toxic for the person who's flooded with it, not the subject (except when someone goes off the rails to the point of taking vengeance).


the impulse to understand people, to mentalise their condition and see the various motives and drives behind their behaviors before jumping to hate, judgement, resentment is something i believe we should all practice until it becomes second nature. not just because of the cliched albeit moral notion behind such a proposition, but because when you do see the other person's computation neutrally, it takes away a lot of the resentment and hurt because you see that they didn't do what they did "to hurt you", their motive usually had very little to do with you and more to do with their inability to meet their needs or appease their conflicts in a balanced way.


however, while i would not judge her motives by the effects her actions had---i would not forget the effects either. not hating her and not personalizing what she did to you or introjecting it as a reflection on you is quite a different deal than disregarding the fact that her behavior wasn't good for you either and with her thinking, it's highly unlikely she'll make for a partner that doesn't hurt whoever she's with for quite a while.


people don't need to be bad or hate-deserving for you to not want anything to do with them. you can judge the deed and not the doer, but you can't argue with the fact this person chooses deeds with a detrimental effect on you. expose yourself to her, you're exposing yourself to being treated like dirt again.


summary: no hate, but no second chances either.

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