Lying about another girl.. please help

[tatsplat]

I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, a couple of months ago we had a big fight about him not showing affection, which was partly me not recognizing that maybe he has different ways of showing affection than me... we made up with some new rules, since then things have been better than ever with us and he asked me to move in with him so we are looking for a place. However we've had our second big fight and this time I really think he is in the wrong.

Last week we were watching a movie together, cuddled up on his sofa, he was being sweet with me, but he kept messaging some girl on whatsapp, i asked who she was and he said it was the girl he sold his bike to and she was asking for help adjusting it.. I'm not one for going through messages so I didn't ask to look at them, but they were long.

Over the weekend we went out and our friends took some photos and naturally they went up on Facebook, and I received a friend request from a guy and some girl liked and commented on both photos. I asked who these people were and they said friends of his from back home in his country. The girl however lived in Dublin like us so I asked why she didn't come out with his usual circle of friends. "she's not my friend, she's the girl i sold the bike to" I confronted him about lying, saying that I don't care about it but that if he lies then it's normal I become suspicious and think he has something to hide. More lies, "she lives with her boyfriend, don't be stupid" I did some asking around and she is very much single. Now my alarm bells were going off and I told him never to lie to me again and to put his facebook status as in a relationship or not to display anything at all, but to take off that he was single. He became very angry, told me if I thought I could tell him what to do I was wrong, told me I was making stuff up, talking nonsense, that he didn't care about Facebook (pretty much true) and then said if I was jealous of this girl why didn't I ask her if she was his bit on the side because maybe I am right! I'm feeling really hurt right now, I know I am insecure but being lied to bothers me, and as I said to him, if I am considering moving in with someone I need to know he is serious about me and not going to lie to me or cheat. I also think the facebook thing is reasonable since we are in a LTR, I think. Am I being irrational?

[leseine7]

His response to being single on facebook and telling you the lies he is indicate that there's some serious shadiness going on.

 

My rule of thumb is if for some reason I'm paranoid about texts my guy is getting, there's always a good reason - even if it's just that my gut tells me not to trust him. I've never looked through texts to find out if a guy was cheating, but I was right when my ears perked up at how many times a guy I was dating was getting texts in my presence in the past.

 

He ALSO was shady with me about facebook. He wouldn't friend me on facebook, and told similar lies about a girl. I was contacted by other girls as well. I found out a long time later that he had another girl he was seeing the whole time, but lying to me and to her to cover his tracks. The tricky thing about facebook is that it's super easy for any guy to be like 'wow chill out, it's just facebook I can do what I want' but the reality is most people use it and if he's trying to appear single, there is a reason for that.

 

I would be gone at the first sign of lies. Since these friends are making so much contact with you, why not ask them directly what's up?

[j.man]

So you can't just say something is a lie and be right. Is there a point you didn't mention where he fessed up? I am at a loss for words that all it takes is a female Facebook friend of his liking a photo for you to give him the 3rd degree and flat out call him a liar. I've had women I've sold things to add me to social media prior to meeting with me as a stranger on the internet. And I do not respond to anyone who isn't my mother or who isn't signing my paycheck when they give me demands.

 

I actually partially agree with the gut feeling thing. I do agree it is a sign of a lack of trust and it's probably a really good idea to reconsider things. I don't agree there's necessarily a good reason for it. Some people get it from good situational awareness while others are simply prone to insecurity.

 

Reading your last thread, nothing about this relationship sounds good. I think a good, long break from men might do you some good.

[tatsplat]

So you can't just say something is a lie and be right. Is there a point you didn't mention where he fessed up? I am at a loss for words that all it takes is a female Facebook friend of his liking a photo for you to give him the 3rd degree and flat out call him a liar. I've had women I've sold things to add me to social media prior to meeting with me as a stranger on the internet. And I do not respond to anyone who isn't my mother or who isn't signing my paycheck when they give me demands.

 

But he told me lies, and it wasn't just likes on facebook but chatting with the same girl on whatsapp... now... he sold the bike like 2 months ago. He has a lot of female friends, I have a lot of guy friends. But I don't lie about them and if it made him uncomfortable, I would be prepared to reassure him or compromise.

[leseine7]

Actually, in re-reading this, I'm confused too about how you know he is lying? I agree it's shady and the part I dislike is the refusing to change his single status and the way he reacted to your asking him to on there, but how do you know he is lying about anything (and what specifically?)? The only thing I saw that was a LIE was that he said she was in a relationship with the guy and you 'asked around and found out she's very much single.' But how did you find out she's single? I do agree that if he lied that she's dating that guy, that's a little weird and worth hashing out with him in a calm way.

 

Chatting with someone of the opposite sex isn't exactly a sinful act - I chat on whatsapp with a lot of different guys (albeit I chat with them in a genuinely platonic way, not flirting). He didn't lie to you about chatting on whatsapp. He said she's just someone he sold his bike to (also true, even if he remained in touch with her). So what are the lies?

 

Again I agree some things are shady, but I think you need to clarify what it is that makes you certain he is lying about something and what you are accusing him of.

[tatsplat]

Actually, in re-reading this, I'm confused too about how you know he is lying? I agree it's shady and the part I dislike is the refusing to change his single status and the way he reacted to your asking him to on there

 

Firstly, he was talking to her on whatsapp, then she appeared on his facebook and started to like everything, when I asked who it was he didn't say it was the same girl as the bike... but he said it was someone he knew who lived back in his home country. I know she's single because she actually lives with someone I know in a house share. You talked about gut feeling too? the whole thing, him being shady about her, about the facebook status, and about his reaction to what I said, just makes me feel uncomfortable.

[Wiseman2]

Do not move in with him. Slow way way down the relationship isn't even stable enough to survive. There are too many fights, too much drama and mistrust not to mention poor communication and incompatibilities.

 

Do you want to continue with someone, no less get stuck living with someone, you distrust and who dismisses and ridicules your concerns? It will only get much worse.

he asked me to move in with him so we are looking for a place. he kept messaging some girl on whatsapp. I know I am insecure but being lied to bothers me, and as I said to him, if I am considering moving in with someone I need to know he is serious about me and not going to lie to me or cheat.

[j.man]

So I'm still confused about what's mutually exclusive between her being from his home country and him selling her a bike.

[tatsplat]

So I'm still confused about what's mutually exclusive between her being from his home country and him selling her a bike.

 

because he sold her a bike 2 months ago, they have been chatting since then and he lied about who she was, and got defensive when I asked him.

 

wow, by any chance are you my boyfriend? you seem to share the same beliefs and ideals.

[leseine7]

Firstly, he was talking to her on whatsapp, then she appeared on his facebook and started to like everything, when I asked who it was he didn't say it was the same girl as the bike... but he said it was someone he knew who lived back in his home country. I know she's single because she actually lives with someone I know in a house share. You talked about gut feeling too? the whole thing, him being shady about her, about the facebook status, and about his reaction to what I said, just makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Totally get how you feel uncomfortable, and I would too. The talking on whatsapp thing isn't really a red flag to me but that seems to be the first thing you bring up. On your part, you sound pretty jealous/ insecure of the situation, and it sounds like you're not comfortable or confident enough to fully confront these things with him (and that you don't trust he'd be honest). I would definitely urge you to move on if you feel so incapable of resolving this with him; your feelings are valid but there's no reason to continue a relationship with someone you aren't going to trust.

[leseine7]

because he sold her a bike 2 months ago, they have been chatting since then and he lied about who she was, and got defensive when I asked him.

 

wow, by any chance are you my boyfriend? you seem to share the same beliefs and ideals.

 

But I agree with j.man - him just whatsapping with her is not an immediate indicator of infidelity or lying; he DID sell her a bike, so he's giving that as the benign "this is who she is" information to you. What else would he say? That is the background for how they got connected. And talking via whatsapp doesn't automatically spell infidelity or lies.

 

What is bothering you most seems to be that you have a feeling he's into her or cheating on you and lying about her because he wants to cover the tracks. I think we're all just trying to understand your back story to get a full picture of what he's done wrong (the facts rather than your fears or speculation)