How do I TRULY move on from an ex? (Aside from FB blocking?)

[midnightdeirdre]

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum to post this, but here it goes.

 

Basically, last night I had a dream about my ex from my junior year of high school, Bob. The dream was very nostalgic and brought me back to that time. Now (as you may have guessed) it's hard for me to stop thinking about him or that time period. Obviously, I hate it because he's moved on. (When I ran into him at a Dunkin Donuts back in 2008, he didn't even remember me. Plus, he's married now.)

 

I would also like to add that I am autistic. (More severely than you may think; I normally don't just remember an event, but I remember (and can actually feel) the emotions and feelings that happened during it.)

 

I normally don't just "let go" of stuff, really. When Bob and I broke up, I basically spent my senior year trying to figure out how to get him back. I definitely realize I was more so in love of the memories than I was with him. Obviously, that's the case today, I'm sure.

 

But how can I truly move on? Especially with these nostalgic dreams and memories?

 

Any advice/feedback welcome. Thanks!

[Blue Ridge]

Create new memories with someone else. That seems too simple, but it's the best way to move on. And sometimes, the only way.

[gebaird]

I've been there, and I think a lot of people have (though most won't admit it, even to their closest friends). Just remember that nostalgia can be a subtle liar - it reminds us of the good times but we forget about the bad ones. I think these dreams/longings/desires associated with failed relationships are as much about us trying to understand ourselves and our pasts as they are about us actually wanting to be with an old BF/GF. When we were together we felt loved, then it ended in rejection and that is not an easy thing to deal with. How is your life now? Are you in a relationship? Is it going well? In many cases, attempts to reach out to a former lover result in further rejection and pain. If there are others in the picture (spouse/partner/kids), things can get complicated rather quickly. I recommended dealing with the emotions in a healthier way: therapy, working to improve your circumstances, talking to a good friend, exercise, hobbies, self-help books, etc. Things that happen to us when we are young and malleable really make an impact. Outwardly we move on, but inwardly our hearts are still broken. Your subconscious mind wants to understand what happened and why. It wants to make things right somehow. There is probably a lot of pain beneath the good memories, and that's where I think your focus should be -- on healing from that pain, on creating a life from which you feel no need to escape.

[LightWave93]

Counselling/therapy definitely helps, and it's also a good idea to let yourself feel the emotions so that they fade over time. You've never going to completely forget about him or the memories associated with him, and that's fine. It's good to be able to reminisce, but better when you've truly let go and feel indifferent to the person.

 

Not sure how to stop dreams. I still have them on occasion. Again I think it's a case of just going with the flow and embracing whatever feelings occur.

 

Create new memories with someone else. That seems too simple, but it's the best way to move on. And sometimes, the only way.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with this, and in the OP's case it's been quite a while now since she was with this person, but as a rule of thumb don't jump into a relationship when you're still caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, even if it's a temporary phase years later. Does more harm than good.

[Blue Ridge]

Yeah, it had been so long he didn't remember her 8 years ago, so I think it's safe to start creating new memories. Sometimes people can obsess to the point that they'll never get over a broken heart without moving on and meeting someone else. Not judging, I've been there. Sometimes it can take meeting someone new to put an ex in perspective. Memories can be very tricky, and downright dishonest.

[dave_1966]

Try hypnotherapy, you need to reset your thoughts like the hard drive of a computer. The huge screen playing memories in your head needs to be minimised from a 60 inch plasma to an iPhone and then have new images written over the top.

[midnightdeirdre]

How is your life now?

My life is going fine. As I mentioned, I am autistic, although (unfortunately) that was not found out until 3 years ago. I recently applied for disability (this time with a lawyer) so hopefully that will come through. I work as a part-time cashier at a local supermarket, and I am also an aspiring author.

 

Are you in a relationship?

I am currently single. I am on the dating app Coffee Meets Bagel, although I plan to sign up with eHarmony come Fall. (I was on eHarmony a few years ago, and it really is the best dating site.)

 

I recommended dealing with the emotions in a healthier way: therapy, working to improve your circumstances, talking to a good friend, exercise, hobbies, self-help books, etc.

Since 2010, I saw a counselor named Heidi who helped me A LOT---however, recently she told me that she feels I should move on to another counselor who is more trained to help with those who have Aspergers/autism, like myself. (She even gave me a few recommendations.) And after I eat supper tonight, I plan to talk this over (the dream and dealing with moving on) with my friend Laura.

 

Funny you mention exercise, because I've been going on my treadmill and doing yoga over this summer so that I can be tip-top shape for the Fall. (I love that season, lol.) Even my mother commented today on how much better I'm looking since starting that routine. (I've had the same yoga DVD since 2005. Works great!)

 

Things that happen to us when we are young and malleable really make an impact. Outwardly we move on, but inwardly our hearts are still broken.

Very true, lol.

 

 

Your subconscious mind wants to understand what happened and why. It wants to make things right somehow. There is probably a lot of pain beneath the good memories, and that's where I think your focus should be -- on healing from that pain, on creating a life from which you feel no need to escape.

I'll work on that!

[midnightdeirdre]

Try hypnotherapy, you need to reset your thoughts like the hard drive of a computer. The huge screen playing memories in your head needs to be minimised from a 60 inch plasma to an iPhone and then have new images written over the top.

 

Fair enough. I mean, it's odd...I don't mind the nostalgia, but I hate the fact that I'm still thinking about him when obviously that's not the case with him about me. (As I said, I'm autistic. I rarely forget stuff.)

[Ms Darcy]

Create new memories with someone else. That seems too simple, but it's the best way to move on. And sometimes, the only way.

 

Also focus on building a fun social circle, with great friends, to create great memories.