Am I the Dumper or Dumpee?!

[yblaster2k]

Hello!

 

First post for me...

 

Situation: I was in an 8 month long relationship with a beautiful woman. The first couple months were full of intimacy, fun and great times together. After a while I started to see her true colors. She seemed to be very unstable and insensitive. She showed no emotion and I realized this when her dog died and it didn't even effect her at all. She wasn't this fun girl that I met a couple months prior. I would always be ridiculed for disagreeing with her and every time I got a text message from somebody she thought it was another girl and would get mad at me. I am a very outgoing, funny guy and every time I would make a joke or mess around she would look at my like I had 10 heads and give me a look of disgust. If I ever disagreed with her on anything it really hurt her and she would distance herself.

 

This didnt sit well with me and whenever I tried to talk to her about it she would refuse to speak and just go home or brush it off. Towards the end of our relationship (last month or so), I started to distance myself from her because I was unhappy with the way she treated me and the way she was so cold all the time. She would constantly make fun of people and talk negative about people who weren't "ordinary" when we were in public. If I told her an exciting story of my day or good news about a great job I was being interviewed for she would say things like "Oh cool" or "Oh thats good". Never really seemed excited. Then she would talk about her day and stories and expect a huge response from me. She would sometimes not even listen to my story and talk over me with her own news. I held on because of her physical traits (I know shallow). I wanted to breakup with her multiple times but never had the courage to do so.

 

Anyways, we went to a wedding one night and she was distant and not fun and I felt weird even putting my arm around her during the ceremony. I saw all of these happy couples smiling etc. and this girl was just boring and not fun. I got a little tipsy, not too much and when we went home we got in a fight. She left my house in tears. She would never allow me to express my feelings and if I did, she would make it out that I was trying to hurt her or I didn't like her anymore. Her past relationships have always ended in bad blood and from what I hear on the street.. she never really holds a relationship for more than a couple months. The men always "run for the hills" is what I heard. She has a history of cutting friends/people out of her life easily and doesn't really have a lot of friendships that last a long time. I had enough of everything so I packed up all the belongings/pictures she got me and her stuff at my house, put it in a box and left it in her driveway. Granted I was a lil drunk, and it was extremely immature of me, I am thinking my subconscious told me to do this. Although she had a lot of negative traits, a personality of a wet mop and wasn't very sensitive to my feelings... she did have some positive qualities that I adored.

 

The next day I wake up to text messages of her screaming at me and etc. She told me she was done and we are broken up. That she looked at me "differently" now. I dont know why but I tried to win her back and I failed. 8 weeks later I find out shes dating a new guy (her friend). I have heard that she might have mental/personality disorders and I know that it is prevalent in her family. her mother, brother and 2-3 of her uncles all suffer from mental illness, including BiPolar, BPD and NPD. I am no psychotherapist and I have no business diagnosing this woman but I am thinking that maybe she has some type of problem.

 

Am I the dumper or the dumpee?

[Clinton]

Doesn't matter. What does matter is it's over. Time to move on.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she is the dumper and moved on. Consider it a blessing if 'she had a lot of negative traits, a personality of a wet mop and wasn't very sensitive to my feelings'.

 

Go no contact, blocker her and move on. let the new guy mop the floor.

She told me she was done and we are broken up.

[yblaster2k]

It sounds like she is the dumper and moved on. Consider it a blessing if 'she had a lot of negative traits, a personality of a wet mop and wasn't very sensitive to my feelings'.

 

Go no contact, blocker her and move on. let the new guy mop the floor.

 

Yeah I have. I don't really do social media and she ignored me. All of my friends and family are telling me that I ended things by dropping off all her belongings etc. It's funny how things work.. I wanted to dump her so bad and after we breakup I want her even more. The human mind is crazy!

 

The worst part about it is that we live in same small town... And she is my BEST friends first cousin. I will have to see her at family events etc.. We also commute into the city on the same train everyday.

[janut1]

Why would you want her back? She sounds horrible. What a nightmare. I guess looks mean most to you because if you really broke it down, you would see how unattractive she really is because of the way she acts. She is very self centered and from your post, selfish in some ways too.

 

You're much better off without her and Im sure the next guy will be finding that out shortly too.

 

Go NC and find someone who will be interested in you and will be able to communicate like an adult.

[yblaster2k]

Why would you want her back? She sounds horrible. What a nightmare. I guess looks mean most to you because if you really broke it down, you would see how unattractive she really is because of the way she acts. She is very self centered and from your post, selfish in some ways too.

 

You're much better off without her and Im sure the next guy will be finding that out shortly too.

 

Go NC and find someone who will be interested in you and will be able to communicate like an adult.

 

Thanks, Janut. She was a bit selfish... very immature. She is 23 and I am 28. Her mom still has control over her bank account and contacted me during the breakup multiple times on her behalf. I couldn't believe it. Granted I've known her mother for 15+ years but still..

[Wiseman2]

Was this a break-up competition? Wow the relationship sounds great from start to finish.

 

So if You dumped Her you Wouldn't want her back? Okeydoke of my friends and family are telling me that I ended things by dropping off all her belongings etc. I wanted to dump her so bad and after we breakup I want her even more.

[yblaster2k]

Yeah I guess it doesn't matter who dumped who... Facts are it's over... we weren't compatible and I need to move on. Not worry about this new guy and try to find somebody who is more in line with my personality and needs.

 

I've really improved myself since and feel that this was a great experience. I've lost 25 lbs, building a ton of muscle and spending time with old friends. I just got a job at the biggest brokerage firm in NYC and have a lot of great things to look forward to.

 

Lesson learned: Looks aren't EVERYTHING.. They mean nothing in a relationship. It's about the soul, the mind and the heart.

[janut1]

Congratulations on your weight loss and new job! WOW, just those 2 things should make you very happy. Take some time to breath and get over this last relationship. You will have no problem finding a women with a kind soul and beautiful heart who is also attractive to you. Keep moving forward.

[Zaphod]

I was in an 8 month long relationship with a beautiful woman. The first couple months were full of intimacy, fun and great times together.

 

That's why he wants her back

[yblaster2k]

That's why he wants her back

 

you aint kidding! was an awesome time!

 

her new boyfriend fries chicken for a job, has no degree/ambition and is having a kid in a month with a crazy baby mama. He is a cool dude though. they were friends for a while. idk if she wanted him the whole time or if he consoled her afterwards and they caught feelings but IDC!

 

good luck to my EX! I hope the best for her.. really do.

[reinventmyself]

You pretty much described my relationship of 8mo's. He was handsome and perfect on paper yet riddled with insecurities and mistrust.

In between those times we had a great physical relationship and intimacy so it was hard to not try to continue investing in something I hoped would improve.

In the end I was coming to realization that insecurities run deep and no amount of love and support would change that. As much as I supported him and (wrongfully) accommodated to his insecurities there were some very trying times when trying to discuss them. Silly me, insecure people have a hard time with conflict and can only hear that they are being attacked when you are trying to have a challenging conversation with them.

 

Anyway, he broke up with me `because we couldn't resolve conflicts'

He was right. There was no consoling him in those insecure moments and a simple discussion around it went off the rails.

 

So here I am still trying to figure out how I ended up being dumpee and not the dumper.

It takes a blow to your ego and makes you second guess everything you know.

 

The good news is in time it gets better. With distance you become more objective.

It doesn't really matter who beat you to the punch. At the end of the day all that matters is that you were two people that couldn't make each other happy. Try to keep it simple. ( I tend to overthink it and get overwhelmed)

It happens. It happens everyday.

Be patient with yourself while you sort this out.

I get that it's a weird mind F* that you want them back. But it's your ego talking.

Try to keep it in check.

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

Maybe she has a thing for fried chicken?

her new boyfriend fries chicken for a job

[yblaster2k]

Maybe she has a thing for fried chicken?

 

Haha she hates fried chicken!

 

He is just a good friend of hers... Probably feels as though he will be able to meet her needs and put up with her BS. Heck, she may have liked him the whole time and used our fight as an opportunity to leave me and unite with him. Who knows? All I know is they started dating shortly after and much like the beginning of our relationship... She's "in love" immediately.

 

I'll be better off without her and all of the nasty looks, insecurity, insensitivity and coldness. She is his problem now!

[yblaster2k]

You pretty much described my relationship of 8mo's. He was handsome and perfect on paper yet riddled with insecurities and mistrust.

In between those times we had a great physical relationship and intimacy so it was hard to not try to continue investing in something I hoped would improve.

In the end I was coming to realization that insecurities run deep and no amount of love and support would change that. As much as I supported him and (wrongfully) accommodated to his insecurities there were some very trying times when trying to discuss them. Silly me, insecure people have a hard time with conflict and can only hear that they are being attacked when you are trying to have a challenging conversation with them.

 

Anyway, he broke up with me `because we couldn't resolve conflicts'

He was right. There was no consoling him in those insecure moments and a simple discussion around it went off the rails.

 

So here I am still trying to figure out how I ended up being dumpee and not the dumper.

It takes a blow to your ego and makes you second guess everything you know.

 

The good news is in time it gets better. With distance you become more objective.

It doesn't really matter who beat you to the punch. At the end of the day all that matters is that you were two people that couldn't make each other happy. Try to keep it simple. ( I tend to overthink it and get overwhelmed)

It happens. It happens everyday.

Be patient with yourself while you sort this out.

I get that it's a weird mind F* that you want them back. But it's your ego talking.

Try to keep it in check.

Good luck

 

Thanks for your kind words and support! I hope you are doing better.. I am ready to move on.

[Liraele]

It sounds to me like she dumped you, but ultimately it doesn't matter. You're free. Sounds like a good thing.

[Zaphod]

her new boyfriend fries chicken for a job, has no degree/ambition and is having a kid in a month with a crazy baby mama. He is a cool dude though.

 

The cool dude bit is way more important than what he does for a job. Also, ambition comes in many forms, not just materialistic.

 

[video=youtube;PsqE1CSKSAg] ]

[Iggy5129]

Before I read the last part of your thread I was thinking "sounds like she has bpd" so yeah she probably has some relationship problems due to being raised by people with mental illness and also probably having some mental issues of her own.

 

Who cares why it ended or who ended it, just be happy you're out.

[Zaphod]

Before I read the last part of your thread I was thinking "sounds like she has bpd".

 

Who doesn't? Accompanied by "meds" and "therapy" it's the trendy thing to have in modern society (along with social anxiety disorder, or some other kind of disorder). Therapists are raking it in across the land. I knew I should have trained as a therapist.

[Wiseman2]

Should dating apps match by 'disorder'? 6613380]Who doesn't? Accompanied by "meds" and "therapy" it's the trendy thing to have in modern society (along with social anxiety disorder, or some other kind of disorder). Therapists are raking it in across the land. I knew I should have trained as a therapist.

[yblaster2k]

Before I read the last part of your thread I was thinking "sounds like she has bpd" so yeah she probably has some relationship problems due to being raised by people with mental illness and also probably having some mental issues of her own.

 

Who cares why it ended or who ended it, just be happy you're out.

 

It's easy to blame it on a disorder but I cannot do that. People act this way who don't have any mental illness...

 

The one thing that stood out to me was what her ex best friend told me (My Ex cut her out of her life a few days before we started talking)...

 

She told me that my ex will never forget if somebody offends her. That she will do anything to hurt that person 10x more and enjoy doing it. That she chews up people, spits them out and is proud of it. That every time she tried to talk to her about something my ex would tell her to shut up and never listen to what she had to say.

 

Looks like I was her last victim.

[Wiseman2]

You said she can't stand fried chicken so this is the next best thing?

she chews up people, spits them out and is proud of it.

[video=youtube;yRYFKcMa_Ek]

[Zaphod]

People act this way who don't have any mental illness...

 

They probably have bipolar 1, 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 1.4, or bipolar 2, 2.1, 2.2, 2.35 (Beta), 2.4, 2.5, or possibly 2.6 , and need to go to therapy and do some pills. They also probably have social anxiety disorder and are suicidal as well. Either that, or they have oxygen paranoia, human interaction schizophrenia, food fatigue, or swamp fever. If they're like me, they probably have acute Goblin allergies. Or er... something.

 

And if they don't have any of those, I'm sure if we wait long enough, the pharmaceutical industry will invent one that fits into their psychological profile.

 

So HOW DARE YOU say they don't have a disorder.

 

I suggest you go and see a therapist. My door is always open for a small fee.