Struggling to understand his violent and insane behavior...

[Pinkerton]

I found this forum through searching "BF broke up with me and I did nothing wrong" and I thought you guys gave great advice to the girl who had a very similar story to me. (Search for LuLu87 if you wanna read the thread, can't post a link.) Basically, my ex was verbally abusive to me... I am beginning to think he was a borderline narcissist, after doing some research on his behavior and after insight from my women's group. We split about a week ago now over a big ridiculous fight that stemmed from two things... one, he got phished on a site and got about $100 stolen and he blamed it on me (I genuinely thought it was a legitimate site but he claims that I "Lead him to lose that money" and that I wasn't being "helpful enough." I knew as soon as that money was gone that he was going to turn around and start yelling at me... and he did. This argument went on for the entire weekend and ended up in a physical altercation. He was like "THIS is what I think of our relationship!" and he grabbed one of my window orchids that I've been taking care of daily and completely ripped it apart and threw it on the floor, strewing dirt and flowers everywhere. I was angry, upset and scared, so I reacted, and admittedly not in a good way. I pushed, slapped, and even spat at him. I kept screaming for him to get away from me and leave me alone. It is not a very proud moment for me and I've apologized to him profusely for it already but he keeps bringing it up, like he's shocked I finally reacted to his bull outbursts.

 

The second event happened shortly before the phishing blowup. He had been on his vacation from work and about every other day he was leaving the house to hang out with his friends. He even went to go see his family during a day trip and he left me behind at the house so him and his friend could go alone. He said that if I went that "I would make it different." So, I stayed home and quietly sat on my hands all day as he went and gallivanted around. He also spent an entire day playing DnD with his buddies which I did not protest to. However, the last day, he says that he's going to the movies with his friends, and he doesn't want me to come. Turns out there was going to be a girl from work there that I didn't like/trust around him- They had a past together as he describes himself as someone who used to be a member of her "Lonely Hearts Club." She leads guys on and it pissed me off that he wanted to go to the movies with her there. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable with him going and I didn't want him to go. He freaks out about it and has a complete hissy fit.

 

I ended up leaving after all of this went down this weekend. It was horrible. I feel like a refugee- I had to gather up a bunch of clothes and run out of which has been my home for a year to go back to my parents house. They don't have any room for me here anymore.. They moved their stuff into my old room, so now I'm living between the guest room and my old room that is stacked to the ceiling with boxes. I don't really know where to start as far as my stuff goes. I am horrified to imagine pushing a house worth of stuff back into that tiny, tiny room. To top it all off, less than a month ago I ended up quitting my job (through encouragement from my ex) so now I have $60 to my name and no job or prospects for one. I can't get a storage shed or anything. My ex says he's going to wire me money this week that should float me for a while, but all of this just seems so, so wrong.

 

There is also this other issue of me cleaning the house that we constantly fight over. I am OK with cleaning, but he is a disgusting sloppy person who sincerely thought he didn't have to clean up after himself. For example, if he got a bowl of cereal, he would eat the cereal and leave a little layer of milk in the bottom and just set it on the living room table, to rot. I was expected to get his dirty dish and wash it out for him, because he "works 50 hours a week and doesnt have time to clean the house." He also pissed all over the floor in my bathroom and I had to scrub it off at least 3 or 4 times while living there with him. It was awful and he didn't give me any credit for any of it- apparently, I've NEVER cleaned the house in his eyes.

 

He toyed around with me this past week I've been here. He kept telling me he wanted to meet to talk and blowing me off about it after I spent all day trying to reconcile this relationship in my mind and figure out ways to open my heart to him again. Yesterday he messages me and he's like "I miss you, please come home, let's talk with fresh eyes." Well, I stupidly come over there yesterday, and when he arrives he's in full anger mode and just accuses me of all the things I've done wrong, and why he isn't convinced that I will be "better" if we try again. No where did he have any remorse for what he's done to me in the past. He never said he was sorry about my flower. He never said he was sorry for diminishing me or making me feel less than respected, which was a normal occurrence with him. I really, really needed an apology but it never sincerely came. He ended up throwing his hands up and saying basically that I was a hopeless case, that I'm not saying anything he wants to hear, that it's all the same as it was a week ago. He left the house in anger. I spent about an hour trying to get him to come back. I kept calling and texting, hoping to show him I cared. I said, come home, you know you want to, you know later you will feel bad and want me back so let's just get past this. But he wouldn't hear any of it. My final text from him last night was " Have you left yet?" and I told him yes, because I keep my side of the street clean. I never heard back from him.

 

I guess I'm anxious to see if he's going to contact me again. He keeps changing his mind about if he loves me or if he hates me, and personally it's really confusing. I think I felt silly for even considering fixing it yesterday, but I can't help that I am still in love with him. I just want to get past this feeling that I am tethered to someone who doesn't love or appreciate me. I'm feeling pretty low and worthless right now, and the future looks a little bleak for me. This isn't where I expected to be. I didn't expect to be 24, unemployed, living with my parents again. I didn't expect to spend a year with someone who abused and diminished me. We really didn't get along, but it doesn't help me from holding out a small nugget of hope that it will somehow all magically get better. He needs help in a big way, and I told him that I was willing to stick with him if he got a therapist and worked through his problems, but I doubt he will. I want him to come over here with flowers and swoop me up and tell me that he's sorry and that he finally, finally appreciates me. It's hard to come to acceptance about that not being reality.

 

Oh yeah, did I mention I was his first relationship? At 31. I'm 24 and this is my 4th LTR relationship to fail. They all last about a year.. makes me wonder what's wrong with ME?

 

I just wanna be happy again. If you read all that BS I'm seriously impressed.. for the rest of you..

 

TLDR - (EX)Bf (possibly narcissistic borderline) abused me verbally in our relationship, broke up with me over stupid reasons, ed me around about getting back together, and is now angry and not speaking to me because I wasn't receptive to his terms of "His Way or the Highway."

 

Give me some strength, I need to make sense of this...

[Hollyj]

The guy is abusive! Why in the hell do you want to return to this???? This is unhealthy!!!! The guy does not care about or respect you, as he has shown you ,time and time again.

 

You need to get your act together and stop depending on everyone. You should not have quit your job.

 

I suggest you start looking for work, so that you can get on your own two feet.

[Heavymetal80]

Awwww. I feel for you. I really do. But the best news is; your free!! Totally free. You are no longer a victim of this guy's crap.

"Its only after you have lost everything. That your free to do anything." You have the golden ticket in your hand, and the rest of your life ahead of you. Take it!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, except maybe a bad taste in men...

But the bonus here is you are now a blank canvas. Paint yourself into the person you wish to become, and go out of your comfort zone with men you'd normally never consider, but what ever you do....

DO NOT fall back into the arms if that jerk!

Say a prayer and thank your guardian angels from removing you out of that relationship.

[Seraphim]

Stay free!!! And don't wonder what is wrong with him. Use this time to build yourself up.

[Hollyj]

Stop psychoanalyzing this guy, as you are not qualified. it is also a way for some posters to excuse their partners behavior.

 

All you need to know, is that he is a bully, and could possibly get physical. The fact that you also responded with violence is very concerning.

 

You do not work. Have you considered an abuse hotline/org. to guide you?

[Ms Darcy]

To be fair, they're both abusive as she actually hit him.

 

When physical violence comes into the picture, the relationship is over. There's no excuse for that and you are lucky you are not in jail.

 

What it sounds like to me is that you are looking for validation that he's horrible. But at the same time, you would get back together in a minute if he wanted.

 

I would advise that neither road is helpful. What you need is to go no contact and get yourself into therapy.

 

You are the common denominator in your failed relationships so trying to label this particular guy clouds the role you play in all of this. Specifically, what are the negative patterns you bring to the table? And what incompatibilities are you ignoring so you can stay in the relationship?

[agent1607307371]

makes me wonder what's wrong with ME?

 

I can't say anything about your previous relationships, but this one failed because he's abusive. There's nothing more to wonder about. You didn't do anything because it's nothing to do with you. He will go on abusing people he's in relationships with. He's the mess, not you.

 

Also, just remember that you didn't cause this, and you can't fix him. Ignore any claims he makes that he'll be different. Don't stay with him even if he gets a therapist. You need to put yourself first, and this man isn't safe. This relationship is turning you into someone who is also violent and abusive.

 

i would also look into therapy for yourself.

[Hollyj]

To be fair, they're both abusive as she actually hit him.

 

When physical violence comes into the picture, the relationship is over. There's no excuse for that and you are lucky you are not in jail.

 

What it sounds like to me is that you are looking for validation that he's horrible. But at the same time, you would get back together in a minute if he wanted.

 

I would advise that neither road is helpful. What you need is to go no contact and get yourself into therapy.

 

I agree.....

 

OP, you don't attempt to understand his behavior, you remove yourself from it!

[Hollyj]

You also need help to understand why you were with this type of individual.

 

LASTLY, YOU BLOCK HIM. FROM EVERYTHING!

[Ms Darcy]

Yes Holly.

 

If she was a guy and admitted to hitting a woman after a ton of so-called narcissistic behavior, posters would be calling for his head. Total double standard.

[Hollyj]

Yes Holly.

 

If she was a guy and admitted to hitting a woman after a ton of so-called narcissistic behavior, posters would be calling for his head. Total double standard.

 

Yup. It's a sick relationship!

[Limiya]

You put "understand" and "insane" in the title. Those two words NEVER go together.

What i'm trying to say is, don't try to make sense of NONSENSE!

I went through the same. I've had that destructive relationship where everthing was my fault, never received an apology for anything, and was made to feel like i was mental. It wears you down. Then when i finally found courage to walk out, the nice words would come out and i'd eventually go back, for it all to start again.

Don't waste your time. I did, and he left me after 6 years for someone else. No explanation.

 

He has no respect for you. You've allowed this behaviour to continue because you stay with him regardless. This man will NEVER be 'normal'. He will always be selfish and abusive, and yes narcisisstic. Best thing you can do is go through the pain of breaking up for good. You'll get through it, turn your life around and eventually meet someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.

But you have to make sure to never contact your ex again. No matter how much he begs. And he will.

 

I went back, over and over and over again.

Trust me. It won't change.

I also know, that you probably won't listen and will go back to him anyway. That's ok. I've done it. But one day enough will be enough.

 

good luck.

[Pinkerton]

You are absolutely right... I need to get a job!!!!!!! I have kept part time jobs in the past but never quite made enough to live on my own. I am a work in progress in that sense. I'm an artist so I have some options. I plan to look into starting up a workshop class or working at a paint n draw.

 

I will also look up the abuse hotline thing to try to get more from that perspective. It's just now recently that I've come to realize how completely awful I was being treated.

 

However, we were both abusive, because I put my hands on him. It wasn't right and there is no real excuse for that. Whoever said I was lucky not to be in jail is 100% correct. That is a sad reality... I guess I feel like no matter how much he screamed at me, that it was still somehow me that ended up crossing the line. I feel very guilty about it now and wish I hadn't done it.

[Knot2loud]

Of course he'll want you back and of course he'll contact you - you took care of him, cleaned up after him, was submissive to him. You were his toy, his play thing. Gheesh! A 31 year old man acting like a spoiled child, unable to accept responsibility of his own bad decision(s). Yes... This guy IS abusive. If you're looking for validation that he is a horrible person... You got it! He's a horrible person.

 

Something else too... There's nothing wrong with trying to understand the "why" behavior of another person... As long as you learn from it and don't place yourself into that position.

 

You're a young woman and you can afford to be particular in men. There are seven billion people on this planet and half of them are men. You don't have to settle. Be choosy. No one is perfect, but you don't have to be with a psycho.

[Ms Darcy]

This is also why therapy can help you. It is very hard to have insight on our own issues. A therapist, a good one anyway, would take the time to learn your family history and more about your childhood. What is your temperment and your attachment style ... Things like that.

 

What I find interesting ... You lived together or basically lived together within a year of dating. Way too soon. So are you attaching to men super quickly and playing mommy/maid instead of living apart and getting to know each other? And are you sufficiently taking responsibility for your own life decisions? Quitting a job is a personal decision. Even if someone advises you to do it, you have to weigh what you know and determine what's best for you. For me, I wouldn't quit a job unless, I had another one lined up, I was going back to school, I was married and taking time off to raise the children, or there was some other unique opportunity like working for the Peace Corps. So you need to figure out why you would make such a poor decision and how to get on track career wise. Those are the things a therapist can help you with.

[Pinkerton]

I've been seeing a therapist and attending a women's group for the past two years now, but I'm a little perturbed with my therapist since I kind of had her "blessing" going into this ty relationship. Admittedly I have only been seeing her in a group setting for the past year, so perhaps it's time to start doing solo sessions again. She has also been absent this past week, she went on a trip or something and didn't tell any of her clients. (I think she has personal stuff going on that is distracting her from her work.) Do you guys think I should try to find a new person? That's like breaking up with someone in itself. Her sliding scale was one of the reasons I keep going to her, but honestly I don't even think I can afford the scale right now to see her for a private.

[Ms Darcy]

Of course he'll want you back and of course he'll contact you - you took care of him, cleaned up after him, was submissive to him. You were his toy, his play thing. Gheesh! A 31 year old man acting like a spoiled child, unable to accept responsibility of his own bad decision(s). Yes... This guy IS abusive. If you're looking for validation that he is a horrible person... You got it! He's a horrible person.

 

Something else too... There's nothing wrong with trying to understand the "why" behavior of another person... As long as you learn from it and don't place yourself into that position.

 

You're a young woman and you can afford to be particular in men. There are seven billion people on this planet and half of them are men. You don't have to settle. Be choosy. No one is perfect, but you don't have to be with a psycho.

 

To this point, no disrespect. I just want to be a bit more fair minded in my advice and not immediately align with a certain set of mental health conclusions from only one of the two people that were there. Like I said, I know I'm a bit unusual and try to think from more than one perspective.

[Knot2loud]

This kind of hits home for me. I have two daughters. Both were, at one point in their young adult lives, involved with an abusive man. I warned my girls from their teen years what to watch out for, but it's almost like they had to experience it for themselves before it really sank in. Those relationships are long gone now, but they went through hell for the time they were involved with these so-called men. I would talk to them and they would defend them, they would make excuses for them, they would blame themselves... "Oh, I wasn't exactly and angel," or "I shouldn't have made him mad." I always told them that if they wanted out to call me and I would have them moved and they would be in my house in hours. They did and I did.

 

Ladies... If you are involved with an abusive man... Leave! Go to family, go to a shelter. If it's physical... Call the police! No woman should EVER have to tolerate physical, mental or emotional abuse! A man who would treat a woman like that is not a man.

 

For the OP... I'm glad you're in your parents house. It's tough, no space you can really call your own. All I can say is hang in there. You are squeezed for space, but you're not getting beat up, yelled at, blamed for something you didn't do... Hang in there little lady... Don't settle for morons.

[Ms Darcy]

I've been seeing a therapist and attending a women's group for the past two years now, but I'm a little perturbed with my therapist since I kind of had her "blessing" going into this ty relationship. Admittedly I have only been seeing her in a group setting for the past year, so perhaps it's time to start doing solo sessions again. She has also been absent this past week, she went on a trip or something and didn't tell any of her clients. (I think she has personal stuff going on that is distracting her from her work.) Do you guys think I should try to find a new person? That's like breaking up with someone in itself. Her sliding scale was one of the reasons I keep going to her, but honestly I don't even think I can afford the scale right now to see her for a private.

 

You need to make the decision for yourself if you need to find someone else. One thing I am noticing in only a few posts is that you have infantalized yourself several times.

 

You make the decision to be in the relationship ultimately. People advise you and then you decde the best path. Think of the therapist as a trusted adviser but you are the President and CEO of you.

[Knot2loud]

To this point, no disrespect. I just want to be a bit more fair minded in my advice and not immediately align with a certain set of mental health conclusions from only one of the two people that were there. Like I said, I know I'm a bit unusual and try to think from more than one perspective.

 

We're fine Ms Darcy. No offense taken. I believe you look at situations from different and more angles than I do. That's not a bad thing.

[Wiseman2]

Clean up space at your parents house, stay there, get a job. You have choices where to live away from abuse and options to become more self sufficient.

 

You are in this predicament because at 24 you need to support yourself, even if you make art a hobby and get a paying job.

now I'm living between the guest room and my old room that is stacked to the ceiling with boxes. I ended up quitting my job. I didn't expect to be 24, unemployed, living with my parents again.

[DancingFool]

Growing up, my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother all kept up a chorus for as long as I can remember, "Never put yourself in a position in life where you have to depend on a man financially or otherwise." Golden words I thought you need to hear and embed in your own mind and future.

 

Stay at your parents, focus on getting a job, saving up money so you can move out on your own, figure out where you want to go with your job/career and what you need to do and do it. Never ever ever depend on anyone but yourself when it comes to that.

 

Meanwhile make sure he is blocked from everything. You can't understand crazy, but if you stick around long enough, a person like him will break you down and make you equally crazy if not worse. There is only one answer to someone like him - you run as fast as you can. So make sure that you don't ever go back to him again and should you ever come across someone similar, you run away without a backward glance.

 

The only thing that is wrong with you is a lack of assertiveness. You realize that the therapist you are using is not very good - you go find someone else. No, it's not like breaking up. Not everyone who is a therapist is going to be good for you. There are all kinds of people out there. You need to actively seek out what/who is good for you and not be afraid to reject bad things. Take more control of your life and the decisions you make. It's a bit like just because someone tells you that jumping off that cliff is a great idea.....doesn't mean you jump off that cliff. Maybe you go and look to see what's on the bottom. Hey, maybe there is a really cool net and people are jumping and bouncing and having a blast or maybe its jagged rocks. It's on you to work it out.

[fwdthinker]

This post hits home regarding the cycle of a toxic relationship. I have two suggestions to offer.

1-To understand the ex (which for me was critical in giving me the strength to leave and STAY gone... Get the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It will shine a light on the circumstances you describe and help you to see it for what it really was.

2- Get yourself into a 12 step program like CODA. Not sure what your women's group is about but CODA can help you learn the skills to be more confident and willing to make healthy personal choices as well as support you through the process.

[Pinkerton]

I looked up the CODA meetings and I may have to try to attend one. They discontinued the one that was right next to my house though, and the only ones available are a ~50 minute drive away. I am open to a lot of things, though. Nothing is off the table for me at this point.

 

I guess I should give my update... I have just been numb these past few days, boiling in my own anger, continuing to try to make sense of this situation and my life.

I looked up verbal abuse and found an amazing collection of resources and was shocked by how much of it seemed like my ex. Particularly an essay called "Entitled" at the website verbal abuse journals dot com hit home for me. For me this passage really put in perspective why it is such a big deal to be abused by a man in particular, as a woman:

 

"As a man, I am physically bigger and stronger than a woman. I am capable of taking what I want from her. She’s naturally intimidated by my size and strength. Since it’s natural to take the easiest path from point A to point B, it is easiest to bully and intimidate her into doing what I want. As a man, I also have more testosterone – the hormone that helps me ignite my temper and muscles, sex drive and ability to react to threats."

 

I've never heard it put quite so eloquently before. It didn't make sense to me before then. Of course this is not to minimize the guys out there who are being domestically abused by their crappy girlfriends, but for me, it finally clicked on why this is so bad for my health to allow to continue, and why I reacted the way I did in certain situations. I was intimated... I was afraid.

 

I can't say I don't have an element of denial left in me though. I haven't blocked him on everything yet. He was supposed to wire me some money, and admittedly I'm waiting for that to happen, and I think he knows that I won't completely cut him off until it has. And yes. He has contacted me since I wrote this. Every day when he got home from work it seems, he'd message me at least once. First it was "Did you come over today?" and he knew damn well that I didn't. I've been avoiding going over there and packing... but I figured I would save that issue for another thread, because honestly I'm not "there" yet. After all of this I still haven't had enough. I think it's more defeating to know that I'm not fed up yet than to hear all the yelling and insults in the first place. I wish it was easier for me to walk away.

 

We had a conversation through facebook yesterday, because I won't respond to his texts or whatever he thought I had blocked him on other outlets. He ended up saying this and that about how I bring him joy and a light to his life, blah blah, and he told me that today he is going to see my therapist to see if he can "convince her to talk to me" about getting back with him. Ridiculous, isn't it?

 

I just feel so numb. Part of me feels repelled by him and another part of me feels drawn towards him. Ultimately the conversation petered out after I just unloaded on him over how he hurt me, how he is abusive and how I can't trust him because of it. I said "I miss having joy." and he said "Me too." and that was that. I figure he needed time to digest all the things I just laid on him, so I'm almost curious on how today will unfold. It would be easier for me to heal if he'd just stay mad at me for whatever stupid reason he's mad.

 

Part of me wants to fix it. Part of me thinks of advice my friends gave me. Of everything here, all of you kind and beautiful people telling me to run away. I wish it was that easy, to just make the "right" decision like that. I know I'm a fool for considering anything else.

 

"Why would you want to change out the wheels on a car that's totalled?" I don't know... it's insane

[Seraphim]

Believe me your therapist will not talk to him about you at all. He won't be convincing her of anything. Wow a bit of megalomania there. And if he's real lucky maybe she'll call the cops on him.