Boyfriend of 1 year left me after his grandpa died on my birthday

[imanimarcella]

hey everyone, I'm not really sure where to start so ill just give a little background. I know this is gonna be long but please read it I need help bad, I (18 year old female) have been dating my boyfriend (18 year old male) for a little over a year now. We started out as friends, but had such a great connection and chemistry that we decided we should become more. We fell in love and have had a wonderful relationship. We had the kind of relationship where we could be doing nothing and having so much fun together, I'm trying not to cry as I type this, thinking of all of the wonderful times that we shared. We broke up after a couple of months into our relationship because he said he wasn't ready to commit (18 year old guy mentality).. so we broke up, but we still talked all of the time and basically acted like we were still together (big mistake), but after a while he came to his senses and realized that he did want to be in a relationship with me. So we've been together since then and broken up a few more times just out of anger (childish I know) but never was it permanently, we'd always be back together the same day.

 

He was always a loving and caring boyfriend, never cheated on me, always paid when we would go out, paid my phone bill when I couldn't. (when we first got together he didn't have a car or a job, but was working on it, I had a car and job, now that he has a car and job, I don't, I got kicked out and my mom took the car back and got fired from my job), so when I needed anything he was always willing to get it for me without me having to ask, he was so thoughtful, and always expressed to me how much he loves me, we are both each other's first serious relationship, and the first person both of us have ever been in love with or loved. He told me that I changed the way that he viewed women, and he would randomly tell me he loves me out of nowhere, for instance, we were at the drive thru and I was leaned over him ordering my food and he randomly hugged me and kissed my check and told me how much he loves me. I knew he meant it because his actions said so. So fast forward to my 18th birthday, July 21 of 2016, he randomly shows up at my house (which was weird because he works full time long hours mon-fri) and it was Thursday at noon when he came over. I got in the car and was thinking he was just coming to visit me on my bday, he told me he needed a hug and when I leaned in he told me his grandpa died and he began crying his eyes out. keep in mind, his grandpa was like a second father to him and we would always go over to his grandma and grandpas house together. I let him cry on my while hugging the life out of him and telling him I'm sorry and that it would be okay and that I loved him. He wiped his tears and told me he would be okay and that he had to go pick up his sister and that he would come get me later so I could go to his grandmas house with him where everyone was although she was out of town, as they had been celebrating their 42nd anniversary in a different state when he passed.

 

I told him okay and that I loved him and to be safe. So I went in the house and called him a couple hours later to check on him and make sure he was okay. He told me that he was and he sounded normal. He came to get me shortly after that and we went to get pizza (he seemed super normal and himself) and then to his grandmas house where everyone was. I was happy that he was including me, because I also was devastated by the loss, just obviously not as much as him. We got into one argument a few days after that and then another one a couple of days ago, at this point, I wasn't being as compassionate as I should have and any issues we were having in our relationship I should have just kept to myself as to not pressure him or stress him even more. He told me to never talk to him again, and that he was done with me. he let me know later that he couldn't handle the stress of a relationship on and the pressure of being a good boyfriend and not hurting my feelings while going through what he was going through right now. I thought he was saying out of anger of the argument but after a while I realized he was serious, I sent him a text asking him what to wear to the funeral.. he didn't reply and I texted him again and told me that he can hate me all he wants but I'm doing this for his grandpa, and his grandma who I told I was going, and he replied with "if u go just wear black" and then he texted again and said "and nobody hates you".. So then the next day he texts mea and tells me to gather everything that's his and have it ready for him to pick up including a necklace he gave me on Christmas, hes NEVER asked for the necklace back even the other times we've broken up he always tells me its up to me if I want to keep it.

 

So I told him I only had two shirts of his but I would not give him back the necklace because it was a gift and its mine. then we somehow ended up talking about how our relationship ended and then he called me, and we talked about it, but said he still wanted me to not be apart of his life anymore. He told me that he wants to die but he cant so life is just ty. he told me hes thinking about moving to another state and never talking to anyone in his family or me ever again so that when someone else dies he wont know. he broke down crying and I told him it was okay and to stop crying and he told me to shutup. I told him that if hes gonna move away and never talk to anyone again its gonna feel the same as if they all died at once, and he said its not because he'll think theyre alive and wont know when they die.. then he told me he has to go. I sent him a long text message saying right now I'm not worried about us being in a relationship and I just want him to get better and stop thinking the way that he is, and i also apologized repeatedly for not putting my feelings aside and bringing them up when it wasn't the time to be worried about myself.

 

I told him he doesn't have to respond to my texts or calls or anything and ill leave him alone but I'm gonna text him every once in a while to make sure hes okay and that I will always love him and I asked him to not do anything stupid. he texted back telling me that he loves me and appreciated everything that i did for him if he never told me before. I'm not sure what to do, I don't think he would harm himself, but It scares me how much he talks about wanting to die, and also, I do want to be with him, but he doesn't want to be with me, I'm not sure if its for right now or for good, hes the guy I planned on spending my life with, and I know I'm still young, but I do love him with all of my heart and I just want him to be okay, to say the least, and i do still want him in my life.. what should i do? has anyone experienced this? Also, all i can do is think of our good times, and memories we've had throughout the past year. It also doesn't help that i have all of our pictures on my phone, his shirts, and flowers, a balloon, and a note he got sent to my house on my birthday. I break down crying out of nowhere, i could literally be watching tv and a commercial for a movie will come on and it makes me think about all of the times we went to the movie theater and ill start sobbing. I don't know what id do if something happened to him and i honestly just want him to stop feeling like this!!

[musicman777]

Hello imanimarcella, I'm sorry to hear about all this. My mother is on the brink of death right now and I can relate to what your (ex) boyfriend is going through with his grandfather. Let me say it's very tough to lose someone close to you, and often it happens very suddenly or unexpected. You just don't realize things like that happen until it's too late, or you feel you don't have enough time to help them, or feel helpless in that you can't do anything for them.

 

Regardless of his grandpa dying, it sounds like the now ex-boyfriend of yours really had some issues. Just because other family members are ill, well that's not a reason to hang up your life or want to die. That sounds like the thoughts and talking of someone who has very serious mental illness going on. Regardless of his grandfather dying, that is not an excuse or reason as to have to leave you. And you've said that you two have broken up before and gone through politics.

 

I'm sorry to say that this relationship sounded like it was doomed from the start. It sounds like this guy was a bit of a drama-queen and has issues going on. If he really loved you the way he says he does, he wouldn't be ditching you out of the blue, asking for gifts he gave you back (which I think is despicable behavior), and doing all these other things you listed.

 

I think the best thing for you to do now is let this ex-boyfriend of yours go and forget about him. You're NOT responsible for him, he's an adult, and he has to make his own life decisions. Furthermore you're NOT together anymore, and no longer have a say or involvement in what goes on in his life. I think he made it clear that he no longer wants you to be part of his life and you have to respect that. It is nice that you care and think about him still, but it sounds to me like you are holding on to feelings and emotions for the wrong person. Spend your time and energy on yourself, and quit thinking about this guy. Break ups are tough, everyone on here has gone through them. But you need to hold your ground and completely cut him out of your life; no calls, no text, no facebook. Forget about him. And there are other guys out there that aren't going to play games with you like this.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he just doesn't want to be with you right now as he mentioned because of all the stress of the relationship. Stop hovering, crowding and smothering him. He has close friends and family he can turn to.

 

Your relationship was always on/off because he did not want to be tethered and tied down. Respect that. And respect his grieving and his wishes to be left alone.

after a while he came to his senses and realized that he did want to be in a relationship with me. He told me to never talk to him again, and that he was done with me. he let me know later that he couldn't handle the stress of a relationship on. he texts mea and tells me to gather everything that's his and have it ready for him to pick up