Curiosity killed the cat. And maybe my relationship...

[someonegreat]

I’m a gay guy in a committed relationship of just under two years - no Grindr, no Recon, no nothing. We actively talk about marriage, amongst ourselves and with families and friends. And at one point my boyfriend and I actually, gently, made fun of our own old Grindr profiles.

 

No prizes for guessing where this is going… My boyfriend left his login on our shared computer open one day - and I saw something I shouldn’t. Namely, screenshots from his phone of various guys’ various body parts, from the above websites and more (including my own, from when we started dating, actually). The dates on the pictures scan back our whole relationship. Obviously, I then snooped and saw he was visiting porn sites a lot (which is totally fine - who doesn’t?) but has also been chatting flirtily with one other guy - a friend of a friend - on Twitter. It left with a suggestion to meet for a “drink,” after mutual expressions of attraction, albeit non-sexual, and exchange of a phone number. FYI - we originally met in a similar way via Twitter.

 

That’s the backstory - the issue now is that I haven’t raised any of this with him, and don’t know how to. Obviously, he’s betrayed my trust - but I’ve betrayed his, in snooping. Before this, I thought we had the perfect relationship - sappy and cliche as that sounds - and I’m worried this may rip us completely apart.

 

More concerning is the fact I feel like, maybe, I didn’t know my sweet boyfriend at all, and he’s been repressing kinks and desires and only expressing them with other men. And where does that leave me, or rather us?

 

It’s eating me up inside, and I’m not sure how much longer I can bottle it up. Although I am British, so repression is a national pastime…

 

CURIOUS CAT, R.I.P.

[thelegend2014]

Huh? Brah I only know about men to woman relationship

[Heavymetal80]

Ouch, touchy subject.

I would try asking him about fantisies that he has a desire to try. I have learned that if your partner is border line cheating, its because that person feels something is lacking in the relationship.

Communication is the key.

And screw British repression... My British mother dressed me as a nun until I was a teen, only to have my supressions so out of control that there was no stopping me. Maybe your boyfriend is experiencing this too?

Be honest that you made your discovery, if he doesn't forgive you, it will only show that he is hiding more and maybe he's not the "one". Good luck

[Redmuse22]

There's nothing wrong about being curious. They say curiosity killed that cat, but brought you to the light about the person you are with. I'm on your same boat, I started snooping on my boyfriend's phone and found nude pictures of a girl he claims was his best friend and found messages saying that she's sexy. I confronted him about it. I believe you should confront your boyfriend about it too. It's so difficult when you've been the only faithful person in the relationship. Besides, you weren't expecting to find anything. It just happens, I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend snoops through my phone, he wouldn't find anything. If he minds and gets really upset at you he has something more to hide. It's weird when a person is really possessive over their electronics in a relationship. You should talk about it, because he really is not taking you seriously. It upsets me having previously and presently going through the same thing as you.

[faraday]

This will not get better over time. He will not stop contacting other men even when you get married. This was the honeymoon stage in your relationship...when things are their best. Can you imagine what he would do when it's been 10 years or 20 years and sh*t hits the fan? A medical condition, job loss, etc. You need someone that will have your back. Contacting other men even if he's not meeting them is cheating. If my husband did this, he would be out. It would be over. Because we teach people how to treat us, and if you forgive this, no matter how many times he promises it won't happen again....you've taught him that you'll forgive him when he does stray.

 

There are people who cheat, and people that talk about issues or break up with their partner of its not working instead of going behind their back. This is not your fault. The only thing missing from your relationship is his commitment.

 

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Yes, you were wrong to look through his open account...but in this case, aren't you glad you did? If you stay, it will be a relationship with doubt...you'll always wonder where he is if he's late, you'll want access to those accounts...and justifiably so. He betrayed your trust. You're only two years in....It's not too late to go find someone that is trustworthy.

[charity]

What do you mean by 'non sexual attraction'?

 

I think if you approach this gently with a view to understanding what is going on with him , his reaction should tell you what you need to know.

 

You'll most likely have doubts the rest of your life if you try to sweep it under the carpet.

[janut1]

I agree with everything that has been said. You need to talk to him about it. Tell him what you have told us here. If you don't confront this it will be hanging over your relationship and you will find yourself not trusting anything he tells you. Then you will be snooping more and more to see if you can find evidence of him cheating. That is NO way to live!

 

And maybe he does have some desires that are not being met and he has been afraid to tell you about them. In order for a relationship to work there has to be honest dialog about everything including sexual fantasies, need and wants.

[DancingFool]

I think to most people, staying active on dating sites and sharing explicit pics constitutes cheating and there is no way to sugar coat that. The conversation with the other guy.....if your bf isn't physically cheating yet (unlikely but), he certainly seems to be lining something up and you caught him in the act of doing just that.

 

No doubt it's devastating to find out that the person you thought you knew and you thought was loyal to you isn't. At this point, in your shoes, I'd simply exit the relationship and not even bother with ugly confrontations. Cheaters will cheat and if you catch them, next time they'll just get better at hiding it. Also, don't be surprised if he has been thinking about dumping you but doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he intentionally left the info open where he knew you would find it. This way, you can dump him and he doesn't have to do the dirty work. It's how passive aggressive cowards operate and you might just be learning that side of him.