Trust Issues and Healing From Trauma (trigger warning)

[monkeybutton]

This is going to be very long-winded, detailed and explicit. I'm going to say right off the bat that this post is going to contain mentions of alcohol, drug use, sexual assault, and partner abuse that might be triggering or upsetting for some people. That being said... I really really need some advice, or an alternate perspective, as i'm in absolute turmoil right now.

 

Last night I was at a party with my boyfriend, who I have a very loving monogamous relationship with. We've been dating for about 8 months, but had a really close friendship for a year. We're creative partners as well, and we don't argue very often. Basically, I super love him a lot and really want this relationship to be long-term. I'm 21 and he is 28, so there's a bit of an age gap but we're in a very similar point in our lives.

 

At the party we were having a really good time with friends, drinking a lot, smoking weed too. Around 3am, we got a call from these dudes from Vancouver who were staying at CJ's (that's my boyfriends name) house for the weekend. They had gotten home from partying and themselves and were wondering when we would be home to unlock the door. We had just me them yesterday, but CJ offered up his house to them as they were a touring band, and CJ is very active in the music scene himself and knows how challenging it can be to live on the road. They were really really nice guys but I felt slightly mistrustful of them, as they were looking for cocaine earlier in the night and I feel uncomfortable around atmospheres that are pretty coke-heavy. I also had kept in mind that we only met these guys yesterday, and I have to spend a lot of time with a person before I can really trust them. We got home and let them in, they had been doing coke but not in the house (which was what I was worried about) and were all asleep now and not partying anymore. We stayed up with one of the members from the band and played video games for a bit until we decided it was time for bed around 5.

 

CJ and I went to bed and started having sex. I was pretty drunk and so was he and it was sloppy and fun until he accidentally put his penis into my butt , which happened very suddenly and caught me off guard. He pulled out immediately, as I started hyperventilating and crying. It was extremely painful, and in part I was definitely reacting to the pain but the surprise triggered a panic attack and even after the pain had subsided I couldn't stop crying. This has happened to CJ and I once before in our sex lives. It was about two months into our relationship, CJ and I came home drunk from the bar and I asked him if we could do a VERY light BDSM role-play with him as the dominant figure. He said yes, and as soon as we started the role-play I had a panic attack and we needed to stop. After this first time, (two months in) spent the rest of the night talking about what had happened, and I disclosed that I was in an abusive relationship two-ish years ago.

 

My ex and I had really really rough sex, where sometimes he would disregarded my boundaries and go further than I was wiling to go. he also became frustrated with me when I was not sexually available and was sometimes coercive. I feel that my ex used sex as a tool to disempower me, and it really did work. I had him on a pedestal and it it took me two months after we broke up to realize a lot of the things he did were emotionally abusive, and my sense of self/happiness/self-worth had been seriously harmed in that relationship. I have a really hard time calling myself a survivor as I know even though his behaviour was terrible, I was not without fault in some of the toxic mechanisms of our relationship-- especially in how passive and uncommunicative I was in our sex-life. I also was very dependent on him, to the point where I would become anxious when he was not around, or I didn't know when I'd see him next. That relationship was probably the hardest thing I've ever gone through, but I feel like I came out a lot stronger from it. And it really taught me about what a healthy relationship should be like, as I am now a lot more assertive, and don't have an unhealthy dependency on CJ.

 

After I stopped crying last night, I was having a really really hard time communicating to him what was going on with me. He became upset because I wasn't talking about what was going on, and then proceeded to say that it was because didn't trust him. I remember trying to choke out works but all I could say was I was sorry and it wasn't his fault. Everything seems really blurry looking back. I don't know why I had a panic attack. I haven't even been thinking about my ex and I feel pretty healed from it. I don't know if it's my place to classify my experience as a survivor of sexual assault, because I don't know if I was sexually assaulted. I had fully consented to all the sex I had with my ex, but for some reason I carry this sneaky subconscious sexual trauma around with me. I never had panic attacks during sex before we were together, and I didn't have them when we were together either. The only thing I could pin my reaction to is that I am suffering from trauma related flashbacks but I just don't know why. I don't know, this is so hard for me to talk about so I hope it makes sense.

 

Anyways, CJ suggested that be being upset was linked to me not trusting him. I tried to defend myself and say that I did trust him (because I truly really, really , really do) but he turned it around and made it about the dudes staying at his house. He said that he was a good judge of character and the fact that I didn't trust them to not wreck the house with a coke party hurt his feelings. I guess in his head, me not trusting them was by extension not trusting his judgement. At this point, I just got blackout angry. I am a very calm person and very rarely have outbursts but I started just yelling at him telling him to off and that he was being unfair and tried to leave which really hurt his feelings. I was so overwhelemed and upset because I was so caught off guard from the panic attack and caught off guard by his negative reaction to it and I blew up. Finally he managed to calm me down and we talked some more, but at this point he was pretty mad at me for being so explosive and "non-communicative". I just didn't know what it was that he wanted me to communicate... he was also upset because he said that it was frustrating that our sex reminded me of sex with my "ty ex". He sometimes expresses that he feels that I am still too emotionally involved with the memories from that relationship, and drag it into ours too often. I have been trying so hard to overcome my trauma from that relationship but I make mistakes.

 

I feel horrible for being so mean and getting so angry at him. i feel like I am the ty and abusive person in this relationship for silencing him by just screaming rather than communicating and listening. I want to be better and I try so hard to keep my emotions regulated so I don't have outbursts. He told me he doesn't understand why I "like the drama" of having emotional meltdowns, but I really truly do not. I would do anything to change this part of myself that has panic attacks, self-harms, and lashes out when I have extremely powerful emotions. I used to be a lot worse, and I've come a long way, but it's still negatively affecting my relationship and that breaks my heart..

 

anyways, I'll stop here. sorry for the essay about my life, but typing it out has made me feel a lot better. I do hope to get a response from you, as I would like to know your perspective on this whole situation. anyways. thank you.

[shellyf62]

Have you spoken to anyone about your past relationship & how it can cause panic attacks?

I think you need to seek counselling to deal with the issues your past bf caused

[Wiseman2]

CJ sounds like he only into sex and drugs and rock and roll, you too? Listen if you don't want it up the butt just say no. That's your right. It doesn't need a long winded past trauma whatever reason. No is no. Don't let him guilt you into it by starting fights.

 

He's just using you for sex anyway. He doesn't care if he hurts you emotionally or physically, only about his own needs and conquests. Dump him.

I was pretty drunk and so was he and it was sloppy and fun until he accidentally put his penis into my butt , which happened very suddenly and caught me off guard.