Broke up with me for a second time, after fearing the relationship's "ups and do

[confusedgirl72]

So I was scrolling through this site and saw how all of you have shared your stories and I've noticed the similar aspects they've had to mine. I met my (ex)boyfriend last summer at a party and we hit it off almost immediately. We fell quickly in love and shared a similar sense of humour, were extremely attracted to each other, and were definitely fully enjoying each other's company. Going into the relationship, I realized he had a somewhat disruptive family situation. His parents were in the midst of deciding whether they would split up, but were still living in the same house and he'd been badly bullied in his life; in addition to that, he seemed to have a very close relationship to his mother, but one in which I believe his mother was more dependent on him than he was on her.

 

6 months in to the relationship, he rather suddenly broke up with me, stating that he was scared of ultimately hurting me in the future, so he wanted to do it now before more damage was done. I was very confused, because I thought our love was real and strong - we had had some tough times in the sense that he had life conflicts that would come up, like the possibility of his mom moving back to England and essentially leaving him, and every time those conflicts came up, there was a certain panic in me that he would distance himself from me do to his tendency to want to shut out the world when things got bad. Clearly, I've come to realize he had some attachment issues but we always seemed to profess our love for each other and enjoy most of our time together until the break up at 6 months. After a couple of days of severe pain on my part and trying to fight for him, he came back and said he loved me all along, he had made a mistake and that he had been simply so scared that he couldn't handle love or trust to receive it that he cut things off. I hesitantly but also eagerly let him back into my life and we had some truly great times together.

 

But we also had some rough times. I tried to fully trust and accept him, but I found myself wanting to have him engage more with me and be as vulnerable as I was with him, and to top that off, I discovered a text that he had sent to a girl that he'd had previous hookups with (before our relationship) that read "I'm a faithful man, but you're a hard girl not to kiss". Upon addressing it with him, I was seriously distraught but he assured me that it was because she had told him that she still had feelings for him and he felt guilty that he couldn't comfort her, so he just told her what she wanted to hear, without any meaning behind it. He told me he loved me more than anything, and while I still couldn't understand how he could text that to anyone for any reason, because I never could do that, I forgave him (or at least tried to) and things were pretty dandy again.

 

Now, fast forward to a couple of days ago, after recently celebrating 11 months together, I'm coming back from my cottage and I can't quite put my finger on why I'm feeling low, but I can't shake the feeling that he might have not wanted to hang out with me that day because he was pushing me away again. Lately, he's been going through even more struggle because his mom has officially moved out of his house, his dad is now the sole owner of the house, but doesn't have a job, and all the while he's definitely trying to avoid the pain of the issues but feeling distraught enough about them to not be eating properly. But as we're texting that day, we agree to meet up at his house and while I'm over there, he gets a call from his mom telling him that his grandmother had a stroke and that she's not seeming in great shape. I'm seeing him in pain on the phone hearing that his mom is so distressed - although he cares greatly for his grandmother, I think the even bigger pain was hearing his mom so torn up. So that night I do my best to support him, but I think underneath it all, I can sense he's not really wanting to open up or engage with the material. At the time I couldn't identify it, but I was feeling very off and scared myself - maybe also because I was scared of him disappearing at another big life problem like this one. But we laugh a little, get some food, I tell him I'm so sorry for him, we watch a funny film together and then comes going to bed. I feel him slightly distant and wanting to block out the world by reading manga on his phone and I start to have one of my sad times. I express that I'm upset to him and I immediately feel bad because of what he's going through and I keep trying to tell him that I am truly sorry for his grandmother. On top of these events, we were supposed to go to a friend's cottage on the weekend and now that the family matters have happened, he doesn't want to go anymore. In a spiral of panic and sadness, I say to him that the plans mattered to me but immediately apologize and explain that I just meant that seeing him matters to me and I want to be there for him in this time of need and not let himself disappear - that I can be part of his family too. He seems relatively unresponsive except for accepting my incessant apologies and I lash out again and say that he doesn't care for me. But again apologize and I say that I know that's not true. Eventually the talk isn't so heated anymore and I just tell him how I love him and care for him and I try to let him sleep even though I'm reeling with anxiety. At this point, I'm filled with a lot of shame and confusion but I eventually fall asleep crying.

 

In the morning, we wake up and I'm taking him to an academic guidance appointment, because if these problems already weren't enough, he also is really stressed about his direction in school (we're in university). I'm crying again because I tell him I feel like I let him down and that I'm sorry and we're silent for much of the car ride there. But I tell him I'd like to see him again soon, and he tells me he'll see me later that day. He still seems distraught but I figure everything in his life isn't turning out that great at the moment, so he has a reason. But I tell him that I love him and he holds my head and kisses me and says that he loves me too. The whole day passes by and I'm gripped with fear but hope that things between us aren't in jeopardy, and almost convince myself that our "unconditional" love cannot be shaken. So he shows up at my house at around 10pm, after having dropped off his mom at the airport to go visit her dying mother, and immediately says that he doesn't know if he can continue the relationship with me. I'm sent into a frenzy of panic and I remind him of all our good times: of going up to he cottage together, loving each other fully, seeing movies together, laughing about silly and wonderful things, but he's not shaken in his decision. He tells me that there are too many ups and downs in the relationship for him to handle right now, and I remind him that the ups are way more than the downs and usually we just have conversations that make us a little insecure, but then we cry, talk and love. But then he tells me that it truly hurt him how I made him feel guilty about not being there for me on the weekend when one of his family members was dying, but I reminded him that that was not at all what I meant. Basically the whole conversation was tearful and panicked and sad and I threw up right in front of him because I was so sick with terror, and after many pleads with him, he said that he just can't and his decision is final. He won't tell me he doesn't love me, and for the purposes of not hurting me by giving me hope, he won't tell me that he loves me, but I see the care and hurt in his eyes.

 

Just last week, we were making love and he was telling me that I made him the happiest man in the world and that he wanted to look after me and vise versa forever. I'm lost but also somewhat trying to move on because I realize myself that maybe I never really could trust him again even if we did get back together, and that maybe I was in love with an image of a person that was never truly what I thought he was. He's going through so much though and I hate to think that he's throwing away love because he simply can't handle the fear of experiencing emotion. I guess my questions about all of this are along the lines of: do you believe that something between us could prevail at some point in the future if that love is as real as I felt it? Do you believe I did something wrong? Can a disagreement such as this really make someone cut everything off like that?

[abitbroken]

This young man is not in any emotional state, or situation in life to have a relationship with someone. I know you don't want to hear this, but I think its best that you walk away. He needs to sort his life out on his own and for himself. Sometimes we make an error in pushing to "be there" for someone to fill our emotional need to be needed or to stay in the game when its not healthy for us. You deserve a relationship with someone who is at an emotional place to be in one.

[Wiseman2]

At this point in time it sounds like he is not ready to settle down/be in a relationship. You did nothing wrong.

he was scared of ultimately hurting me in the future, so he wanted to do it now before more damage was done. Do you believe I did something wrong?

[confusedgirl72]

Thank you. My rational side says you're right and I hope (and know) that my emotional side will soon recover and catch up to that thinking. I think the biggest thing to overcome will be how much I miss him and blaming myself for what happened, but I'm fortunate to have great support systems and know that with the right process, the pain will slowly fade. Thank you for your comments.

[confusedgirl72]

Thank you. Maybe one day we'll meet down the road and something will be possible after he's worked through his conflicts and I've worked through mine as well. But I guess I shouldn't count on that.

[abitbroken]

Thank you. Maybe one day we'll meet down the road and something will be possible after he's worked through his conflicts and I've worked through mine as well. But I guess I shouldn't count on that.

 

Everyone needs to learn and grow in life, but you don't have a huge major issue you need to get over - you just think you do because he makes you feel - with your permission - that if only you gave him what he needs you would be with him even if that means losing your sense of self. Actually, your "issue" is that you are with a man who is not able to be in a relationship. With time to heal and avoiding men with dysfunction hanging on their sleeves, you will not have a major issue - you will just have a good time with someone who is looking for someone nice to date.

[confusedgirl72]

Everyone needs to learn and grow in life, but you don't have a huge major issue you need to get over - you just think you do because he makes you feel - with your permission - that if only you gave him what he needs you would be with him even if that means losing your sense of self. Actually, your "issue" is that you are with a man who is not able to be in a relationship. With time to heal and avoiding men with dysfunction hanging on their sleeves, you will not have a major issue - you will just have a good time with someone who is looking for someone nice to date.

 

Those words definitely help in this tough time. Thankfully, even though he doesn't fully understand his own issues, he did later text me saying that if he can't handle who I am, that's his problem, not mine, and that he's sorry he hurt me, but he only sees himself hurting me more in the future. I think I agree with that opinion much more than I did a couple of days ago. I guess this will teach me not to rush into something where the other partner has many unresolved emotional baggage in his life. Thanks again.

[abitbroken]

Those words definitely help in this tough time. Thankfully, even though he doesn't fully understand his own issues, he did later text me saying that if he can't handle who I am, that's his problem, not mine, and that he's sorry he hurt me, but he only sees himself hurting me more in the future. I think I agree with that opinion much more than I did a couple of days ago. I guess this will teach me not to rush into something where the other partner has many unresolved emotional baggage in his life. Thanks again.

 

But you see - he is saying "he can't handle who you are" implying that YOU are the one with the problem who is not handle-able. He said nothing of his own issues. I suggest you block him from texting you so that he can't emotionally manipulate you from afar.

[confusedgirl72]

But you see - he is saying "he can't handle who you are" implying that YOU are the one with the problem who is not handle-able. He said nothing of his own issues. I suggest you block him from texting you so that he can't emotionally manipulate you from afar.

 

Ah, yes. I think using me as a partial blame for his own issues is a way for him to feel slightly better. I have blocked him on Facebook and have ceased texting him.

[confusedgirl72]

So I just wanted to ask about some more feelings: my perspective is much more enlightened than it was a couple of days ago, but I'm worried about his family situation. I know I should be focusing on myself, but I'm worried about his grandmother and his mother and his family in general of course. On top of that though, after the breakup I was texting him the next day trying to remind him of what we had and how I was sorry and how I could be there, and that's when I mentioned the above text that he said it wasn't my fault if he couldn't handle who I was and I shouldn't change for him, and then he also apologized for a late reply, saying that his sister was brought to hospital because she was thought to have been suspected of wanting to jump off a bridge. He said she was in a really messed up mental state, but that she would be okay (in my opinion though, I think this is an extension of his expression of always needing to be strong and at least partially denying the seriousness of the situation, which does further prove his emotional unavailability). Prior to our breakup, I was really close with his family - maybe not in the sense that I contacted them outside of just seeing them when I was over to hang out with him, but they all really liked me and I really liked them, and I got really along with his mom too. I don't even know if they know we've broken up, I have no real way of knowing, but I'm concerned for them and I'm wondering if asking them how things are would be crossing the line? Also, if potentially contacting him down the line, maybe after a month or two months of NC would be inappropriate to check up on him? I also have this fear that I know I shouldn't have that if I leave things too long without checking up on him, I'll really ruin any want he would have to open up to me because he'll think I no longer care or really don't care about his issues. But of course I did text him a lot the day after we broke up, telling him I could be there for him in this tough time. I know second guessing my actions is probably ultimately useless since if he was emotionally available and allowed himself to access more of his emotions, we could have talked through this and he wouldn't be cutting everyone off or wouldn't have that instinct in the first place. I can use my insight to get through this, I believe, but having a little outside perspective/support along the way would be a great help. What should I do?

[confusedgirl72]

But you see - he is saying "he can't handle who you are" implying that YOU are the one with the problem who is not handle-able. He said nothing of his own issues. I suggest you block him from texting you so that he can't emotionally manipulate you from afar.

 

Sorry to call on you again, but any thoughts about my most recent entry?

[Wiseman2]

It's hard to disengage, but nc is best for you right now. No matter how close you felt to his family, do not contact them. It will be seen as an end run around him to get to him, both by him and them. His family surely noticed you broke up, so it would be really awkward to contact them.

 

Redirect your focus to your own friends and family.

I don't even know if they know we've broken up, I have no real way of knowing, but I'm concerned for them and I'm wondering if asking them how things are would be crossing the line?

[Kao]

id say take your time you need to get rid of your own emotions, before contacting him. it is fear mostly that youll lose access to him, but usually he will care a lot for you even after some time because you were a part / the reason for a much happier time in his live and he was loving you. and he also seems to still be fair and told you in advance he'll hurt you / has some self reflection

 

i just lost my relationship in a similar way, being that guy who isnt ready for a relationship, getting an end for it in a fair talk

your text also reminded me what's up and help me understand

 

and it has happened before of course. im a little marked guy but i still get lucky with women every now and then, and i still got contact to one ex i was the longest with and some others.

i wouldnt contact the family but himself as soon as youre ready, but not earlier. i in my perspective got pissed when exes contacted friends or family to see how im doing.

[confusedgirl72]

Thanks all, I appreciate the advice. We have blocked each other on Facebook and Instagram and I'm just feeling ashamed as well because it's like I'm not just losing him as a boyfriend, I'm losing him as a friend and as the status of a friend to the rest of the world (or that's what it can feel like on social media). Even though I blocked him on Facebook, do you think there's any chance to talk in the future and get back together, depending on where we're at in our insights and position in life? I know I'm sounding get desperate, but I can't help but ask for all angles of the situation. I've been distracting myself but also been obsessing and don't want to do something rash like reaching out to text him before really thinking through things in my mind.

[Kao]

you prob dont realize how deep this fear of emotions affects him, it can take a lifetime to getting a little better at handling it. i know from my own experiences. the roots are in a horrible family mostly (i had to be the stable kid for my mother, like your BF probably)

 

i think your way of looking at it, still is egoistic (which is not critique/as negative as it sounds but) in that you want to be with him.

and in a way that would mainly hurt yourself, because - how long do you wanna wait? youll keep yourself mentally attached to him if you dont let him go now.

youre still in university and will have new oppurtunitys pass by if you stay there in your heart.

 

true love in my imagination also is loving the person itself / solo and doing whats best for him / letting him/her out of your life if he convincingly stated his reasons for the breakup.

sure he is escaping and it is questionable if he will take the right steps now to get better, but that shouldnt be your concern and you cant change it as a girlfriend. if it was a more platonic relationship you sure would be able to help but it isnt. just leading his thoughts to yourself would probably cause more trouble. its different if he thinks of you himself without you wanting him to.

 

im on day 4 of non-contact now myself, similar duration (11 months of a beginning relationship which was partly platonic tho, where i felt we were really soulmates for a bit) and since yesterday im quite sure i will probably stay longer in non contact than i originally wanted to. because im really inexperienced with those emotions and glad that i feel a little better since yesterday and she is now consequently avoiding me too.

 

but its tough ofc. just be honest to yourself when you find new excuses of getting back to him

 

what i wrote yesterday was more meant like getting back into a friendship after some real time, which worked for me sometimes in the past. i also talked to my EX EX yesterday and she helped the same as in the beginning of my flirt. but well were seperated for a long time, and she has kids and a new working relationship.. theres some trust left but nothing else as were very different today

[confusedgirl72]

Yes, thanks for all that advice. It's just really hard. Do you think he doesn't care? We're not on each other's Facebook or instagram now so I can't really see what he's up to, but our snapchat friendship is still intact. I posted a story the other day of some nice makeup that I wanted to show off, just to feel a little confident, and also another one showing my guitar. I know it's so silly to read into this, but when I was dating him, he was pretty horrible at checking snapchat, always stating that he didn't look at the stories either due to his data being pretty crappy and just not caring enough to check on them, or just for the fact that he wouldn't open the app for a couple of days. When I posted these stories, he was one of the first people to check both of the stories, and it just stupidly made me have a swivel of hope that he cared. I mean, I know he probably couldn't have let that care go so quickly for someone he was with for a good amount of time, but then he also posted on his story that he was at a party and I think has partied a little this week too. I know it's so bad for me to obsessed, but I'm becoming really angry by what he's done and I'm feeling more like a fool now than ever for caring so much about him. Kao, you described how you were the person who was emotionally unavailable and the one who had to be stable for your mom (just like my ex) - do you have any thoughts on how he might be feeling now or does anyone else? Whether the distractions and parties he's going to are just a way to run away from the pain he feels? Would it be wrong for me to at some point ask to meet to talk in the future about how much he ing abused my trust and broke all his god damn promises? Yeah I made him feel guilty, but jesus he tried to push all of his pain on to me and pointed a finger at me in ending the relationship and I'm so much more pissed than I was before. And yes he gave me some closure but nothing feels right and I've been up since 5 and I'm kind of just saying anything that comes to my mind but right now I'm so bitter, yet still so guilty, and so angry.

[Kao]

i dont know honestly i didnt shed a tear (i cant while i would like to, its been years for me since i last cried) but i forget to eat enough and take huge effort to do stuff for me, still today. i cant really enjoy to hang with friends or get my mind away from her for more than 1 or 2 hrs.

so while probably persons who dont know me well wouldnt see that i feel miserable, i do.

 

in that closure talk it also hurt me how she cried and my main objective somehow was to make her feel more content (argumenting rationally, that we knew before it wouldnt be easy etc and we both didnt want to get too close too fast anyway. while i think that changed probably when she really fell in love or wanted some fix targets to look at), while beeing unable to describe what i felt in that moment. mostly egoistic stuff like i failed it once more probably. i dont know i was really feeling normal and caring with her for some time and was feeling good about it, and she also was a really emotional person/feminine woman which reminded me of brighter times and made it easier to work with my emotional situation.

but thats patterns in my case probably to ignore my own feelings for that moment and be stable for her. lack of self-consciousness. seeing that is a start at least, i guess.

 

for me personally ive learnt to block out any emotions that early (childhood) and that was also a main reason my ex stated for our breakup. that im unconscious of my feelings and cannot handle em well enough to take the ride through relationship with her. that she will suffer from me not noticing/ or at least being unable to influence my own feelings or the interaction between us in some moments. mainly when problems appear of course.

thats patterns i worked out in therapy and "might" also be true for your ex tho i dont know enough of course

 

i think she is right with her thoughts, it also fits to stuff i talked about in therapy - and she's in therapy too.

 

and your ex probably will care, thats why non contact is required, i at least do a lot. mainly about how i made her feel and the danger of dropping emotionally really hard. and the "what if" thoughts if things went differently.

i can imagine what she is doing, and trust her / know some kind of that she's at least not trying to get to another guy right now. if she is ready now to go party and enjoy life, i would be happy for her, but i doubt it.

she's meeting with her dad and i only see that she's still active through whatsapp, which is enough for me now. i dont stalk her facebook or other social media but well she doesnt use it much anyway and wouldnt post anything there which hurt me. those status stuff also doesnt mean much to us so thats different from your case (we're not even friends there since i dont use facebook. if we were and both use it alot, blocking sure is the right thing to do)

i wouldnt ever contact her friends, although one of em would probably at least tell me how she's doing. but its her friend not mine and i think it would be unfair for him too.

 

and yea there are moments were a little anger/hate lingers up.. in my case she didnt take money i owed her and used it as a reason to see later on. so im very unclear when she wants contact again (she said soon, she still loves me, just needs more distance and that "ownership" thing in a relationship just shouldnt be between us but she started to get those feelings)

but with my personality she knows i will at least want to clear my debt and talk to her again, prob also become friends, so she's now in full control and that's my main excuse now when i think about messaging her... getting a more clear reply on the "when". or to just write her the "never" myself and send moneys if i cant handle it.

i force myself not to do either thing and it still works. im not very impulsive though.

 

but really honestly 11 months isnt that much, and its fair enough to seperate earlier rather than too late imo. damage done is limited this way and thats what you maybe can appreciate from your ex and get more content about it, he at least knows himself a little. that hate is also hurting oneself mostly.

 

if you can tell one core problem where he really hurt you, and are sure about that , i guess it could also help you to tell him exactly this thing. but just to get it off your heart, not to start arguments for a lost case imo.

[Wiseman2]

No, venting to him won't accomplish much. He warned you at this time that he was not as serious as you wanted to be. "6 months in to the relationship, he rather suddenly broke up with me, stating that he was scared of ultimately hurting me in the future, so he wanted to do it now before more damage was done'.

 

What promises did he break?

Would it be wrong for me to at some point ask to meet to talk in the future about how much he ing abused my trust and broke all his god damn promises?

[confusedgirl72]

i dont know honestly i didnt shed a tear (i cant while i would like to, its been years for me since i last cried) but i forget to eat enough and take huge effort to do stuff for me, still today. i cant really enjoy to hang with friends or get my mind away from her for more than 1 or 2 hrs.

so while probably persons who dont know me well wouldnt see that i feel miserable, i do.

 

in that closure talk it also hurt me how she cried and my main objective somehow was to make her feel more content (argumenting rationally, that we knew before it wouldnt be easy etc and we both didnt want to get too close too fast anyway. while i think that changed probably when she really fell in love or wanted some fix targets to look at), while beeing unable to describe what i felt in that moment. mostly egoistic stuff like i failed it once more probably. i dont know i was really feeling normal and caring with her for some time and was feeling good about it, and she also was a really emotional person/feminine woman which reminded me of brighter times and made it easier to work with my emotional situation.

but thats patterns in my case probably to ignore my own feelings for that moment and be stable for her. lack of self-consciousness. seeing that is a start at least, i guess.

 

for me personally ive learnt to block out any emotions that early (childhood) and that was also a main reason my ex stated for our breakup. that im unconscious of my feelings and cannot handle em well enough to take the ride through relationship with her. that she will suffer from me not noticing/ or at least being unable to influence my own feelings or the interaction between us in some moments. mainly when problems appear of course.

thats patterns i worked out in therapy and "might" also be true for your ex tho i dont know enough of course

 

i think she is right with her thoughts, it also fits to stuff i talked about in therapy - and she's in therapy too.

 

and your ex probably will care, thats why non contact is required, i at least do a lot. mainly about how i made her feel and the danger of dropping emotionally really hard. and the "what if" thoughts if things went differently.

i can imagine what she is doing, and trust her / know some kind of that she's at least not trying to get to another guy right now. if she is ready now to go party and enjoy life, i would be happy for her, but i doubt it.

she's meeting with her dad and i only see that she's still active through whatsapp, which is enough for me now. i dont stalk her facebook or other social media but well she doesnt use it much anyway and wouldnt post anything there which hurt me. those status stuff also doesnt mean much to us so thats different from your case (we're not even friends there since i dont use facebook. if we were and both use it alot, blocking sure is the right thing to do)

i wouldnt ever contact her friends, although one of em would probably at least tell me how she's doing. but its her friend not mine and i think it would be unfair for him too.

 

and yea there are moments were a little anger/hate lingers up.. in my case she didnt take money i owed her and used it as a reason to see later on. so im very unclear when she wants contact again (she said soon, she still loves me, just needs more distance and that "ownership" thing in a relationship just shouldnt be between us but she started to get those feelings)

but with my personality she knows i will at least want to clear my debt and talk to her again, prob also become friends, so she's now in full control and that's my main excuse now when i think about messaging her... getting a more clear reply on the "when". or to just write her the "never" myself and send moneys if i cant handle it.

i force myself not to do either thing and it still works. im not very impulsive though.

 

but really honestly 11 months isnt that much, and its fair enough to seperate earlier rather than too late imo. damage done is limited this way and thats what you maybe can appreciate from your ex and get more content about it, he at least knows himself a little. that hate is also hurting oneself mostly.

 

if you can tell one core problem where he really hurt you, and are sure about that , i guess it could also help you to tell him exactly this thing. but just to get it off your heart, not to start arguments for a lost case imo.

 

Yeah, thanks again, and thanks for sharing your story. It will be hard, but I guess I'll just have to move on.

[confusedgirl72]

No, venting to him won't accomplish much. He warned you at this time that he was not as serious as you wanted to be. "6 months in to the relationship, he rather suddenly broke up with me, stating that he was scared of ultimately hurting me in the future, so he wanted to do it now before more damage was done'.

 

What promises did he break?

 

Well he would constantly say things like he would love me forever, and wanted to look after me forever, and even though it may seem like he was worried of getting too serious (which definitely did probably play a part), after he broke up with me at 6 months and came back to me, he described that he had loved me all along and was just scared that he couldn't be good enough for me, and this fear had even come up with friends before. And then he would say things like I was the most sensational thing to happen to me and he wasn't going anywhere, that I was his "light in all of the darkness" and even in more of the beginning of the relationship, he would say things like (with NO prompt from me, might I add) "please marry me" and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I just find it upsetting that ultimately it looks like I'm the one pushing the intensity of the relationship, but he's the one who brought it to the table in the first place, so of course I was set up for wanting that much as the relationship went on, and when sometimes I didn't get that, I would get insecure because I would think, what the hell! I also left out the fact that he had told one of his friends, a friend that he had hooked up with a couple times before we met and dates, that he was a faithful man, but that she was a hard girl not to kiss. I found that on his phone maybe three months after we had gotten back together and I stupidly did not break up with him and let him explain that he didn't really feel it, he just thought he was telling her what she wanted to hear because apparently she had professed her feelings to him soon before that when he went to visit her with some friends. Throughout the rest of the relationship though, he seemed great at not even caring about her, not texting her (as far as I know) and whenever I brought up fears about it, which was not even that often, he would be understanding and thank me for sharing my doubts and fears. One time we went to a party and she came up to him and kissed him on the neck - he looked uncomfortable but it still hurt and I let that slide. He told me that she had invited us up to her cottage for sometime in August a while ago but he refused because he was uncomfortable: I told him he didn't have to cancel, that I wasn't making him do that whatsoever, but he said that no, he had made the decision, and he didn't want to. I found out through mutual friends that he's up at her cottage, the very same place that they had hooked up last summer. And even after all this crap that he's put me through, he has the gal to tell me I'M the emotional rollercoaster and he can't take all the ups and downs in the relationship at the point in his life? him, just him you know. Do you see why I have so much anger?

[confusedgirl72]

He also said that if there was a point that came up where there were worried weighing down on his mind and he needed to talk through how he needed something addressed in the relationship, then we would do that, and he wouldn't break up with me so suddenly like he had the first time, but he literally ripped the relationship up even quicker than the time he had before. I'm in the "he's a f*cking ***hole that doesn't deserve me" stage.

[amy99roo]

Oh confusedgirl72. I'm in the exact same boat. Just further down the line. 3 months out. Same exact break up first timeso fast my head spun then a quick reconciliation. 3 months later he pulls back, I question what's going on, he breaks up again.

 

Here's the thing: I was a mess. I sounded just like you. I wasn't sleeping, eating. So upset. I started to be ok at about 6 weeks. Rebounded. Going out with friends. Getting confidence back. At 8 weeks he gets in touch. He texts me all day, calls me, tells me he misses me. Wants to get sexual. I say no. I ask what's going on. He disappears again. Like magic. I'm now 2 weeks out of that and a mess again. 3rd time I'm dumped basically.

 

Do not let this guy do this to you. It sounds so unbelievably familiar. He has major issues he needs to deal with. It sounds like you have realistic relationship expectations. Analyse, vent, talk here, but God's sake don't get back in touch because he will play the pull back game as long as you let him.

[confusedgirl72]

Oh confusedgirl72. I'm in the exact same boat. Just further down the line. 3 months out. Same exact break up first timeso fast my head spun then a quick reconciliation. 3 months later he pulls back, I question what's going on, he breaks up again.

 

Here's the thing: I was a mess. I sounded just like you. I wasn't sleeping, eating. So upset. I started to be ok at about 6 weeks. Rebounded. Going out with friends. Getting confidence back. At 8 weeks he gets in touch. He texts me all day, calls me, tells me he misses me. Wants to get sexual. I say no. I ask what's going on. He disappears again. Like magic. I'm now 2 weeks out of that and a mess again. 3rd time I'm dumped basically.

 

Do not let this guy do this to you. It sounds so unbelievably familiar. He has major issues he needs to deal with. It sounds like you have realistic relationship expectations. Analyse, vent, talk here, but God's sake don't get back in touch because he will play the pull back game as long as you let him.

 

Wow, I'm so sorry for what's happened to you as well because as you said, we're in the same boat, I know how it feels. And then for him to text you that long after being out of contact with you - how dare him. I know you will get through this just as you said before, and I pray that he doesn't try to emotionally manipulate you further.

 

In your circumstance, did you have any feels of guilt on your part about whether it may have been your fault in the way you potentially acted or did something? I'm not in any way suggesting that you did, because his issues were most certainly what made him pull away, and I realistically know that in my situation it's the same thing but I'm tortured with overwhelming self-doubt at times. And anger, because when I was desperate a couple of days after I did things like texted his friends and made sure he was okay, and even tried to vaguely confirm that he didn't hate me, and now all I want to do is go back to those friends and rant about how much I gave up for him and how he broke my heart again - I know it's petty but I want to take back my wimpering and stand up for myself. But then I also somehow want him to forgive me for things that I may or may have not done? There's a reason I chose 'confused girl' for my username. Did you find that you had a lot of these analyzing issues to deal with? I was dumped once before, after having a long relationship actually, but I never remember torturing myself about what happened in the past.

 

You have no idea how much I needed to read that right now though. I was in the midst of debating texting him in a panic. Thank you amy99roo - we can be strong together.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately all that future talk so early on was in itself a red flag. You were not married or engaged so saying stuff like "he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me." without actions is often infatuation or string along talk. Particularity since the relationship was on/off and volatile.

 

Do you think he was on the rebound? A player? Or cheated?

 

Untreated bipolar can lead to intense anger and emotional ups and downs, but overall it sounds like he was kind of a player and still into this girl.

he just thought he was telling her what she wanted to hear I found out through mutual friends that he's up at her cottage, the very same place that they had hooked up last summer. he has the gal to tell me I'M the emotional rollercoaster and he can't take all the ups and downs in the relationship at the point in his life?

[amy99roo]

I was absolutely questioning everything I did and said. Naively blamed myself for pushing him away. When really, what we had going on was normal relationship stuff. I killed myself over it. I still feel like I pushed him away. I'm getting there though. Your posts are like windows into my thought patterns.