girlfriends sexual past

[wildtonto]

Hi, I am not sure this is the correct forum for this but here it goes!

I am been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years. I am 31 she is 26. its her first long term relationship and only my second.

 

-We recently broke up for a few weeks because she was getting cold feet. After weeks of no contact we started talking again. I wouldn't say we are officially back together but we are definitely talking and working on stuff.

I have two questions, firstly she was the one that broke up with me out if the blue. I have done a lot of thinking and hopefully personal growth but is she likely to do it suddenly again?

 

And since we have been seeing each other again she has told me that when she was in college that she was wilder than I even guessed and slept with loads of guys, roughly 100!? I had a fair idea she was a bit wild but maybe not to this extent. I am not sure it bothers me that much and I suppose telling me could be a sign of openness!

 

Any thoughts?

[Gary Snyder]

Yeah I have a thought. She slept with 100 guys? You mean she did not like even one enough to stay with? She's crazy.

[LadyRayne]

Did she say it was cold feet or are you assuming? Open communication is important if she has told you about her pat perhaps she's trying to open up to you and worried perhaps you might reject her or just wanting to disclose everything and see if you freak out...

[Capricorn3]

Don't know why, but I don't believe her...

[Gloworm]

Ewwwww. A sign of openess!? Haha!! Yeah maybe her legs! This girl is what ruins it for all the nice girls!

[Doc Blaze]

so she slept with 25 guy a year in college. Not counting hooking up multiple times with the same person.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, so she can get with others while you are 'on break'. However her past can't be undone.

she was the one that broke up with me out if the blue. is she likely to do it suddenly again?

[paxkramer]

Ewwwww. A sign of openess!? Haha!! Yeah maybe her legs! This girl is what ruins it for all the nice girls!

 

I don't think it's necessary to s__t shame anyone. People are allowed to explore as little or as much as they like. Just because it's not what you would do, doesn't make it any less valid of a choice.

[Quidam]

And thats the reason why I don't talk about my number of partners in a relationship!

[TMifune]

Hi, I am not sure this is the correct forum for this but here it goes!

I am been going out with my girlfriend for 5 years. I am 31 she is 26. its her first long term relationship and only my second.

 

-We recently broke up for a few weeks because she was getting cold feet. After weeks of no contact we started talking again. I wouldn't say we are officially back together but we are definitely talking and working on stuff.

I have two questions, firstly she was the one that broke up with me out if the blue. I have done a lot of thinking and hopefully personal growth but is she likely to do it suddenly again?

 

And since we have been seeing each other again she has told me that when she was in college that she was wilder than I even guessed and slept with loads of guys, roughly 100!? I had a fair idea she was a bit wild but maybe not to this extent. I am not sure it bothers me that much and I suppose telling me could be a sign of openness!

 

Any thoughts?

 

It depends entirely on what her attitude about it is. If she says vague things like "that's just who i was" or "I was just young and having fun" than there's no real ownership of her behavior. To me that would indicate that she has little self awareness and little responsibility which would in turn make me think that she's likely to simply "change" on me. Especially when you couple that with her breaking up with you out of the blue.

 

There is some evidence (non-conclusive) that women with large partner counts are less able to effectively pair bond / remain monogamous. It's possible this is a result of the # of partners alone, but more likely there's an underlying issue that lead to the promiscuity in the first place.

 

You'll get a lot of people who say "you can't judge someone for their past". And in a sense you can't, but you can and should judge them based on the amount of responsibility that they've taken for themselves. I would watch for signs of self-awareness. "I had a hole in my heart because my dad walked out on us when we were 12 and I tried to fill it with sex. I wish I hadn't because it only left me feeling more empty and I have no interest in using people that way anymore" is significantly different than "I had sex with so many guys in college. It was great, I really miss it."

 

Maybe "judge" is the wrong word. It's not about saying you're "better" or they're "lesser", but you definitely have the right to not allow someone who's behavior / attitudes you don't trust into an intimate position in your life.

[RainyCoast]

when she was in college that she was wilder than I even guessed and slept with loads of guys, roughly 100

if that's a quote, i'd dump her without a second thought. it sounds as if she's trying to get you to fear losing her or like she still measures her worth in the number of guys who'll have sex with her.

 

i know smeone who dated a friend of mine and said the exact same thing to him, except se added that the sex were orgies, that she did it on drugs, that she simply has a healthy sex drive, she also had a fishy relationsip with her best male friend, eventually asked for an open relationship and the first time she had sex with my friend she made fun of his penis for being uncircumsized. the guy was depressed for two years after being dumped by her. she is 45 and still looking for sex buddies online, posting uncernsored pics of her ...ehm...parts....filled with...ehm...male parts... and her nude pics ended up being emailed to her boss by one of the guys -and is still constantly looking to validate herself through sexual conquests. it's incredible that she actually believes being an easy eff not only makes her worthy, but judging by the way she boasts about it while people frantically click online for hazmat suit suppliers, believes it makes her superior. it makes me wonder whether drugs are really in the past for her- and it has encouraged me to never enter the lunch room again- everyone is clicking through their social media and exclaims persiodically "EWW omg, that does it, i'm blocking Pat!". She seems to think she's a higer species though, and that people are just threatened by her

 

anyway, sorry about that little story, my point is, if she grew out of that phase, why would she tell you she banged everyone who had an extra few minutes to waste without indication she realizes there is something unhealthy in that behavior? did you repeatedly ask her the number of guys she slept with, or did she just offer the information herself, coupled with "i was wilder than you think"?

[Quidam]

Seriously you guys are judging so hard on this....

 

Lets say for math purposes:

 

3 years of college... 33 guys a year. 52 weeks a year.

 

I don't know for you but as a male now 30 but in my 20-25 bringing back a girl or two in a single week wasnt something that out of the ordinary. Gladly I wasnt single 3 years straight otherwise ....

[RainyCoast]

do you tell your girlfriend "you have no idea how wild i was, i slept with everyone"? what is the motive for someone to say that, unless they're explaining they suffered from a royally effed up case of electra complex and took years of therapy and they're trying to make a point that they grew. if she said it the way he put it down here, it sounds like she is proud and completely without insight.it isn't judging hard on people, it is considered a psychological disturbance to validate oneself excessively by means of objectifying oneself somatically. most importantly, it illustrates her value system. it doesn't seem to be one OP shares.

[Knot2loud]

100 huh? I don't know if I would rush into marriage or anything super serious. Definitely don't get her pregnant.

[Gary Snyder]

Seriously you guys are judging so hard on this....

 

Lets say for math purposes:

 

3 years of college... 33 guys a year. 52 weeks a year.

 

I don't know for you but as a male now 30 but in my 20-25 bringing back a girl or two in a single week wasnt something that out of the ordinary. Gladly I wasnt single 3 years straight otherwise ....

 

- no matter how you slice it, it's bad. I don't even think I've had that many first dates in 30 years.

[TMifune]

Just for some context:

 

Number of sexual partners in lifetime

 

Median number of opposite-sex partners in lifetime among men and women aged 25-44 years of age 2002, 2006-2010 and 2011-2013:

 

[table=width: 500, class: grid, align: left]

[tr]

[td][/td]

[td]2002[/td]

[td]2006-2010[/td]

[td]2011-2013[/td]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]Men[/td]

[td]6.7[/td]

[td]6.0[/td]

[td]6.6[/td]

[/tr]

[tr]

[td]Women[/td]

[td]3.8[/td]

[td]3.9[/td]

[td]4.3[/td]

[/tr]

[/table]

 

Source:

[Quidam]

- no matter how you slice it, it's bad. I don't even think I've had that many first dates in 30 years.

 

Well for a guy its more complicated but for a girl and a pretty one... Sleeping with alot of people isnt hard!!

[RainyCoast]

nope, it's not hard. it's very......easy.

*couldn't walk away from a perfect set-up*

 

 

on a more serious note... it's not about how many people she slept with in the past. he can accept her past or walk away because there's squat she can do to erase that number now, and she shouldn't feel judged just because someone can't accept that part of her life. if she presents it the way it's presented here though, than that indicates those values and behaviors aren't in the past for her, quite the opposite. her present values and tendencies he would be an idiot to ignore.

[keepItReal223]

Man....100...pretty sure she did most of them more than once....man

 

Broke up out the blue for no reason...wild past had sex with 300 guys (yes more than 100 women never tell you the real number)...man...im pretttyyyy sure she broke up with you to bang some guy(s) and didnt wanna feel guilty about it now you can take that into consideration if you dont care then oh well but if you love this girl and wanna work it out just know she messed the trust up and will take a while to regain and 9/10 she more than likely will dump u again when she wanna bang another guy...i would just FWBs her man thats if you can keep your feelings out if you cant..walk away she too risky.

[nutbrownhare]

It's not so much her sexual past you need to be concerned about, but her sexual present. I'm guessing that she's been monogamous for the last five years she's been with you? If so, ignore her past.

 

More worrying is the fact that she broke up with you with no discussion, no warning, and merely saying she was getting cold feet. Sometimes people who can't form stable relationships ARE very promiscuous; it gets them the needed contact without threatening their limited capacity for intimacy. The limited capacity for intimacy is still there, though, no matter how it manifests itself in their behaviour.

 

I'd be very, very wary of having any serious connection with this girl in the future. Yes, she's quite likely to break up with you again if you do resume the relationship.