Am I Being Played for a Fool?

[Tattoomomma83]

Ok I need some advice. Here's the story:

I met this guy 3.5 years ago and it started off as only an occasional booty call. After a few months I was kinda hoping it might actually turn into dating but he wasn't interested at that time. He was 41 and I was 29. We drifted apart, I dated other people, he dated other people, we eventually stopped talking for a good 6 months. Later down the road I met someone I was serious about and we were in a committed relationship for 2 solid years. I'll refer to the occasional guy as Tom for easy reference. So during my 2 year relationship Tom would send me messages via Facebook here and there asking me to see him and I told him no, I'm seeing someone. After a while he tried to just see me in general, like meet for lunch, nothing sexual. I still wouldn't do it. I stopped answering him altogether for quite a while....months in fact. Just within the last few weeks I finally decided to talk to him, being I'm newly single. He begged me to "give him a chance" at being my boyfriend, that he's ready to settle down, the whole 9 yards. He said he's in love with me and has wanted me for years. But.....he says all this stuff, we meet up, have sex etc, then he's quiet for a few days. Like he doesn't answer my messages, only here and there. I said I was talking to someone else thinking he's just playing me and he went off the deep end. I don't get it. Why keep hounding me for 3.5 YEARS just for sex? Could it be he really is falling in Love? I'm sorry for writing a small novel but I'm 32 and a mom.....I don't have time for head games. Thx for any input!!!

[gabbycruz9]

Hi tattoomomma,

If it's one vital thing I learned about men... is that they're lions. When they see a girl they always think of what they could get from the girl. When you give this man what he wants.. which was obviously ..sex.. he sees no need to have to come after you. When he contacts you play it off distant. Actually if I were in your shoes I would never talk to this man again.

[Zaphod]

Hi tattoomomma,

If it's one vital thing I learned about men... is that they're lions. When they see a girl they always think of what they could get from the girl. When you give this man what he wants.. which was obviously ..sex.. he sees no need to have to come after you. When he contacts you play it off distant. Actually if I were in your shoes I would never talk to this man again.

 

Beware especially men with the name "Leo" like Leo Sayer might be an example. Although he didn't look like it, dude had claws, a mane and all sorts.

[Tattoomomma83]

I've had that thought gnawing at my brain but I just wasn't confident enough to accept it i suppose. But your right and you make perfect sense.

[Zaphod]

Just look upon it as you had a bit of fun sex and you're going to leave it at that, having discovered he's not entirely down the line. No need to feel played or anything.

 

Also, if someone waited 3.5 years just to have sex with you, take it as a compliment.

 

You come out of it ok, I'd say.

[gp11a]

Have you guys gone on any dates? I'd do that a lot before having sex with him again, and then you can see what he is actually looking for. If he was falling in love, he should try taking you out on actual dates and show that sex isn't all he cares about, since that is how you guys started 3.5 years ago. Also, he would be wanting to talk to you and see you constantly. Sex isn't everything.

 

Why was he always "occasional Tom"? What else was he doing? Was he doing this with a bunch of women?

[janut1]

This sounds like my story. Talked for 3 years on and off, each had relationships here and there, lost contact, reconnect on FB. But mine was long distance so we didn't meet until recently when we both found out we were single again. Long story short he ghosted me after our meeting. Nothing since.

 

I think that its the pursuit that excites them. Sometimes they will say anything to make you believe they want you. He knew you wanted more, and now he says he's ready. You meet have sex and then he thinks, maybe Im not or ever really was ready. If you want a relationship I would stop contact and having sex with him all together. Right now he knows you are there when he needs you so why even build a relationship? Its all too easy.

[Tattoomomma83]

Exactly! We have never gone on a date. The more I read people's replies the more important seeing how this is just a game to him. I truly appreciate everyone's opinions!

[Zaphod]

A game in which you're now one step ahead of him.

[HeartGoesOn]

But.....he says all this stuff, we meet up, have sex etc, then he's quiet for a few days. Like he doesn't answer my messages, only here and there.

 

Cut off the sex, he'll either sink or swim, yet you'll have your answer.

[Gary Snyder]

He's obviously a player who just wants sex with whatever woman is available at the time....... and he'll promise you the moon to get it, and you'll buy it.

[notalady]

Exactly! We have never gone on a date. The more I read people's replies the more important seeing how this is just a game to him. I truly appreciate everyone's opinions!

 

Good lesson to learn. When he came back and said he wanted to date you seriously, you should've let him prove his intention to you rather than relied on his words, which meant go on dates and get to know each other without the sex and see if he was even the right guy for you (and you him). Jumping straight back into sex was certainly not the way to go, but on the upside, it did reveal his intentions rather quickly.

[catfeeder]

Am I Being Played for a Fool?

 

...started off as only an occasional booty call.

 

Whenever a story starts this way, the answer is usually 'yes'.