Jaggialexis Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Let me first give a little background info. My boyfriend has never been one for holidays and celebrations but I have told him that those things are important to me. For our anniversary I received a text saying that he didn't buy me a present yet (even though we had both been talking up the day for weeks and I got him a very sweet gift that he loved) I still have yet to recieve this present. He also made no effort to make the day special, we sat in the house, he ordered pizza for us, and we watched a movie that I told him I wasn't that interested in watching. He didn't even say happy anniversary. I told him that I was a little upset and he got angry with me for being upset over something "petty". I am still not completely over that incident and now he's forgotten my birthday. He made plans with his friends for today and told me that he's sorry but they are already here and they live far away (hour and a half drive) and that it wasn't a big deal since he had got me concert tickets months ago for a show in a couple weeks and he counted that as my present. Mind you he also invited his friend to this show, I have to drive them 2 hours to get there, and he told me that him and his friend planned to spend the entire time before the show in a music store one of their friends owns and "jam out" leaving me to either awkwardly watch or walk around by myself. I don't know I'm just very upset right now but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not. Any advice? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Unfortunately you can't squeeze blood out of a stone and he has been cold/dismissive about these things before. Hopefully you have alternative plans with friends/family. Is he usually this thoughtless? He didn't even say happy anniversary. he's forgotten my birthday. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 My ex was kind of like that but honestly not as bad. I tried to be really patient and make my expectations REALLY clear (i.e., our anniversary is on this date and I would love for you to plan a nice dinner). They were never over the top expectations and he still rarely followed through. I was with him for two years and, despite my patience and trying to "teach" him what I needed, it never changed. This guy is even worse sounding than my ex was, so I can't imagine he will ever change either. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Is he considerate in other ways but just forgets dates? Or is he generally not thoughtful of you at all? Link to comment
melancholy123 Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I doubt you can make him change, it seems to be just how he is. Are his family members like that? My son in law's folks dont really celebrate occasions much, other than Christmas, and they really dont do anything for birthdays. It's just how they are. But they aren't rude or thoughtless about it either, they do wish a person a Happy Birthday but dont buy presents or necessarily get together. Some people are just that way. But your bf seems excessively thoughtless. You may have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 My boyfriend has never been one for holidays and celebrations but I have told him that those things are important to me. I think you need to take the reins and make holidays and celebrations special for YOU. Plan the celebration, buy the gift, appreciate yourself and have him join you. Celebrating is important to you, so find a way to celebrate YOUR way. Part of what you like may be the surprise that comes from others, but not everyone has that skill or understanding, and getting mad at them for it or being hurt by it isn't going to help. You could, in your planning, give your bf a heads up and ask him if he could contribute a surprise of some sort (a gift, a food dish, or something of his choosing or specialty?), and see what he says. He may or may not be comfortable with it. It may be unnatural for him and feel confusing and pressuring, or he may have ideas and feel good contributing. You can give his actions the meaning you want, but he may not see it the same, since he does not feel the same way for holidays and celebrations. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I'm sorry, but you don't have a boyfriend. You have a guy who's using you. Either accept that or end things and get a new boyfriend. Oh, and tell him he can drive himself and his friend to that concert then go with one of your girlfriends instead. Total bullcrap that he says that's your present then does the whole you need to drive me and my friend to that. Really? Why are you with this guy? Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 Let me first give a little background info. My boyfriend has never been one for holidays and celebrations but I have told him that those things are important to me. For our anniversary I received a text saying that he didn't buy me a present yet (even though we had both been talking up the day for weeks and I got him a very sweet gift that he loved) I still have yet to recieve this present. He also made no effort to make the day special, we sat in the house, he ordered pizza for us, and we watched a movie that I told him I wasn't that interested in watching. He didn't even say happy anniversary. I told him that I was a little upset and he got angry with me for being upset over something "petty". I am still not completely over that incident and now he's forgotten my birthday. He made plans with his friends for today and told me that he's sorry but they are already here and they live far away (hour and a half drive) and that it wasn't a big deal since he had got me concert tickets months ago for a show in a couple weeks and he counted that as my present. Mind you he also invited his friend to this show, I have to drive them 2 hours to get there, and he told me that him and his friend planned to spend the entire time before the show in a music store one of their friends owns and "jam out" leaving me to either awkwardly watch or walk around by myself. I don't know I'm just very upset right now but I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not. Any advice? He's showing you who he is. Is this going to be good enough for you for the rest of your life? If the answer is no then you know what you have to do. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 He's not going to "change". Either you accept him exactly as he is, or decide he's not for you and move on. There's no third choice. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 1. This is who he is. 2. Make a solution: agree to a day that will be a day to celebrate the occasion in question, I..e., Saturday even though occasion was on a Tuesday. 3. Decide if there are other ways you feel celebrated. 4. Decide if there are other ways your feelings are diminished and dismissed by him. If 3 and 4 are "no" and "yes, frequently", then screw up your courage and leave this relationship. If 2 is workable, 3 is yes, and 4 is no, then stay and be grateful that you took responsibility for your happiness. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 30, 2016 Share Posted July 30, 2016 I'm sorry, but you don't have a boyfriend. You have a guy who's using you. Either accept that or end things and get a new boyfriend. Oh, and tell him he can drive himself and his friend to that concert then go with one of your girlfriends instead. Total bullcrap that he says that's your present then does the whole you need to drive me and my friend to that. Really? Why are you with this guy? I agree! You bf is an inconsiderate jerk! I don't think that this guy cares about, or respects you. He will not change. Stop being this guy's taxi service! He's using you! Why do you tolerate this? Dump him!!!' Link to comment
Jaggialexis Posted July 31, 2016 Author Share Posted July 31, 2016 Thank you all for your advice. He is quite considerate in most other aspects of our relationship, holidays have just been a bit of a sore spot. While I grew up in a family where celebrations of these days is practically mandatory, he grew up in an environment where there was no such celebrations. He has a hard time grasping the importance of these special occasions. Im not going to dump him over this. I know that I can't change his world view but I would ultimately like special occasions to be acknowledged by him whether that be by a present, card, activity, or just a romantic/sweet gesture. I plan to bring this up to him next time we talk so I can set clear expectations of what I want and hopefully it'll lead to happier birthdays and anniversaries for both of us. Link to comment
Longview01 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Find someone more suited to you and isn't a child Link to comment
notalady Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Sounds like more than just different views on celebration to me. Even if he doesn't see the importance, you'd think when someone you care about tells you something is important to them, repeatedly no less, you would want to make them happy by honouring their wish, even just in some small way (eg a card, a home cooked meal), just anything. It's almost like he's deliberately doing the complete opposite to make a point about just how unimportant it is to him, rather than working something out to meet you in the middle. I see that attitude as a major problem, not the differing views on celebrations. Link to comment
Hurt Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Well, if you make it clear to him and he still doesn't change? Nothing will happen right? There are no consequences. As he knows that you are not going to leave him because of this, you have no hold over him. He will do whatever he wants. Because you will still be with him. Isn't it? Why should he change even though as you said that there are differing views on culture way of celebration? Similar he might expect you to change too. Why don't you change ? I am saying in a gentle way, just trying to say that he might not change because nothing will happen to him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Thank you all for your advice. He is quite considerate in most other aspects of our relationship, holidays have just been a bit of a sore spot. While I grew up in a family where celebrations of these days is practically mandatory, he grew up in an environment where there was no such celebrations. He has a hard time grasping the importance of these special occasions. Im not going to dump him over this. I know that I can't change his world view but I would ultimately like special occasions to be acknowledged by him whether that be by a present, card, activity, or just a romantic/sweet gesture. I plan to bring this up to him next time we talk so I can set clear expectations of what I want and hopefully it'll lead to happier birthdays and anniversaries for both of us. I think in the future, you'll just have to do the planning. If you want to do something special on your birthday or anniversary, tell him that you'd like to see this show and eat at this restaurant on your birthday. Then you make the reservations and just tell him to block that date off on the calendar. Link to comment
journeynow Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 I think in the future, you'll just have to do the planning. If you want to do something special on your birthday or anniversary, tell him that you'd like to see this show and eat at this restaurant on your birthday. Then you make the reservations and just tell him to block that date off on the calendar. It might be a way to show him the way. For him it is not a "given" how it is done. My ex would get frustrated with people getting bent out of shape around holidays and gifts, the unspoken expectations and the hurt and resentment. He'd do his best with the gift things but sometimes if fell off his radar or other issues were more dominant in his life and he simply didn't have the energy to be detective and shopper and planner at the appropriate time. Yep, it drove me a bit nuts at times, but that was my issue. I gave it meaning and it made me unhappy. Link to comment
Amanda9124 Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 Wow that's really bad and mean off him! I would be devastated if my boyfriend forgot my birthday or didn't want to celebrate special occasions with me! He's supposed to be your boyfriend! Sounds like a ! I really hope you made other plans for your birthday and enjoyed it with out him with family or friends! You deserve someone who's going to treat you better! It's obvious he's using you Hun, xx Link to comment
Hollyj Posted July 31, 2016 Share Posted July 31, 2016 I hope that you will not be doing anything more for his birthday, etc.... Don't waste your time and money, as these celebrations are not important to him. Link to comment
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