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It's been years and I still think about him

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Hi everyone! This is my very first post here and you might help me a little with my problem. You all seem so nice!


When I was around 17 (I just turned 21) I met a guy online. I used to call him Mr. J and he was my age. We became friends pretty fast because we both liked the same things, and I don't know, we just "clicked". Around that time I had no friends and I was being bullied by some of my classmates, so he used to be a source of comfort to me. And like I said, we really had chemestry, it was easy to talk to him, no need to look or act a certain way, I just was and he accepted me and I did the same with him. We used to talk all day long. I would have my iphone with me all the time and we'd talk about anything, movies, books, personal life, we'd ask each other questions, etc. We would also talk through Face Time, so we knew who we were talking to. We'd take pictures of what we were doing or something that we'd find interesting and share them. Some days it felt weird knowing that we really weren't beside each other because of how much contact we would have through the day.


I fell hard for him. I was deeply in love with that guy. I had fallen in love once before, but I never confessed and the feeling passed, but it was nothing like this. I wanted to hold him so bad, kiss him, I wanted to run my hands through his hair and give him all my love, make him so happy. I really wanted to be by his side. And I thought for a moment that he wanted that too, he used to call me cute pet names, share intimate things and talk about how we would meet one day. We even shared some private photos.


But suddenly, out of nowhere, really!, he said he had always been in love with a friend of his. I was shocked and heartbroken, the worst part was that "our thing" was never official or adressed before, we just did all those things withouth talking out our relationship. So I really didn't know how to handle things after that. I guess I was too coward to confront him about us, or maybe I didn't want to because I knew he'd pick her over me and I wanted to save myself from the shame and the upcoming pain. So at first I just ignored his comment and continued as always, but it was obvious that he wasn't into me that much anymore. He would talk about her, ask me for advice and stuff, and I just supported him! How could I? I don't know! I was 17 and in love and I was just so stupid. When I finally told him how I felt I didn't get the answer I wanted, he was sorry for leading me on, but obviously loved the other girl instead. I tried to stick around for a while, because even if I was heartbroken I still loved him and wanted to keep his friendship, but the pain was too much. They became a couple and they would do all the things that I had wanted to do so badly and that I couldn't because I was on the other side of a stupid screen.


After a while it became too much for me and I decided to say goodbye and move on. I couldnt for over a year, tho! He would always be on my mind, and the feeling of being unwanted haunted me for months. I truly believe that I became a different person after this. I wasn't so trusting anymore, I wasnt so happy or naive either. I went back to normal after the years passed, but I lost a part of my heart that hasn't come back. I've had relationships after him, but I could never fall in love with those guys.


I no longer love Mr. J. I really do not, I healed and I did what was best for me. But after all these years sometimes I still miss him, sometimes I even tear up a little. I contacted him a few times through the years but he seemed uninterested. That made me realize that he probably valued me as a friend back then, but now I guess he couldn't care less about me. He never tried to contact me first, even after his break up with this other girl, he didn't send texts or anything. It was always me.


I no longer want to start contact again. I know that it will go like the last few times, when he would answer once or twice and then not at all. I can't deal with that anymore.


But if I had him in front of me, I would hug him and thank him for making me happy for so long as well. Because even if he gave me the worst pain I've ever felt, I also loved him like I've neve loved anyone else.


I hope I can fall in love again soon, and that this time it works out!


Has anyone else felt like this before? Did you ever truly get over someone? Or did you always miss them, like me?

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I was in a similar position last year with a girl I had met online. I fell in love with her and I told her, she didn't give a . So I ended up falling out of love with her and hurting her, but she deserved it for how she treated me. But I still feel ashamed of myself and dishonoured. And I don't miss her at all most of time. But I think about things we used to talk about and the personal things she told me and I get upset I am no longer friends with her. However she isn't that person anymore, whom I would want to be friends with. She changed and was just using me as an emotional tampon really, was never interested in me. So I don't miss her, I miss how I used to feel about her and how she used to matter to me and I cared about her so much. Also I feel disappointment or sadness, as like you I wanted to cuddled with her and do things with her, but I never got that chance. So that is annoying. I have moved on, found myself another online Friend and an online GF, they have both helped me greatly. It is just the ashamed feeling I can't get over, as I think I treated her badly and betrayed the trust she put in me. I thought we were really close and that I mattered to her, but I just didn't. As soon as she found someone else she didn't want anything to do with me anymore.


I have actually become more trusting and opened up more since it happened. As I have had to talk to other people about it. I am a better person for it happening and I have better people in my life now. As she wasn't really the sort of person I want in my life, really needy and selfish. Also we had basically nothing in common. I guess I just liked her because I thought she was opening up to me, I felt like I mattered to her. Plus she was really beautiful 10/10 and my type, and she was rich. So that was why I liked her.

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