My boyfriend never confirms plans until the very last minute! How do i fix this?

[SilentG]

Hi all,

What are your thoughts on last minute date planners? Do you find this rude? Selfish?

I have been with my boyfriend for a year or so and im becoming increasingly annoyed with his lack of planning and to me it comes across as incredibly selfish.

How do I fix this?

To give an example: last night he texted me at 8.30pm asking me to come over to his flat to watch a film. He lives about 20 minutes drive from me and i had settled in for the night (pjs etc) so i told him that it was too late and asked why didn't he ask earlier? His answer was "i just didnt think" so i said ok well lets plan ahead for tomorrow (today). He said that he might be seeing a friend but it wasnt yet confirmed so will find out and let me know asap. So i wait to hear from him and nothing all day. Then 8pm rolls around and he says "fancy doing something still?" i had literally just driven through his town so just found it quite irritating and rude how he couldnt think to confirm a couple of hours before as i could have just gone round. I made a point of saying "how about we plan something again in advance, when are you next free?" His response to that was "not sure yet" Its as if he works only on his time and doesnt ever consider mine!

 

Am i being unreasonable expecting some notice???

 

How can i deal with this in an effective way?

[reinventmyself]

That would be very frustrating.

It sounds as if you are an option and not a priority and it probably feels that way too.

You've tried guiding him and redirecting him and not jumping at his last minute invites and it doesn't change.

I think it's time you have firm discussion with him and tell him how it feels for you and what your expectations are.

 

I did this years ago with a guy who I was casually dating who just wanted to see me at the last minute.

I wasn't very confident at the time but I did have the guts to tell him 'that stopping by last minute would be considered a benefit of boyfriend might have, but seeing we are only dating then I'll need to ask me out on a date at least 2 to 3 days prior"

 

I was pretty young at the time and crazy about him and I knew I risked running him off, but I my self esteem was more important than sitting by the phone waiting for him.

 

He stepped up and started contacting me ahead of time.

Don't be afraid to state your needs or expectations. If that simple request for consideration runs him off, then I say `good riddance'

[Wiseman2]

Why don't you plan stuff and just don't do last minute netflix and chill? It sounds like the relationship is far more casual in his mind than in yours. For example he can make advance plans with his friends and just call you for booty-call or when he's bored.

 

It sounds like you are an after thought for him. And like he dating others who are priorities.

he texted me at 8.30pm asking me to come over to his flat to watch a film. He lives about 20 minutes drive from me and i had settled in for the night

[SilentG]

Well after he said "not sure" he said "the boys are out to lunch Sunday but not sure if i want to go yet, so maybe then?" Argh! I just said well if you arent sure lets just do tuesday? (Im not willing to be sitting there as a fall back incase his plans fall through) And got the enthusiastic reply of "ok".

It is upsetting as if i dont bend to his last minute suggestions it means i now wont see him for a week

[Wiseman2]

He's got you under his thumb if you are sitting waiting for his last minute booty-calls then jump and run. He does it because he can and you put up with it.

[SilentG]

Well i dont jump and run. I told him no thanks, so not sure what you mean?

[Heather Dawn]

Wow, doesn't sound like he's treating you like a girlfriend - more just a casual dating partner.

[sara-pezzini]

Well after he said "not sure" he said "the boys are out to lunch Sunday but not sure if i want to go yet, so maybe then?" Argh! I just said well if you arent sure lets just do tuesday? (Im not willing to be sitting there as a fall back incase his plans fall through) And got the enthusiastic reply of "ok".

It is upsetting as if i dont bend to his last minute suggestions it means i now wont see him for a week

 

He should learn that it's the other way around, if he keeps being vague about plans HE doesn't get to see YOU for another week!

Make plans with others and either he'll catch on or you don't have much to lose anyway.

[Wiseman2]

Then why would he even attempt these last minute things plus expecting you to drive to him at his convenience?

Well i dont jump and run.

[SilentG]

Your guess is as good as mine! Trying his luck i guess. Just be nice if he could think about it a bit earlier

[HeartGoesOn]

How can i deal with this in an effective way?

 

By refusing to participate, and telling him to take his "crumbs" elsewhere.

[ParisPaulette]

Yeah, that one is easy. You stop being an "option" instead of his top "choice." That means you make your own plans to go out or plan activities. Then when he calls at the last minute you say, "Oh sorry, but I'm already doing something else. Call me when you want to plan something more long range."

 

Yes, this will take holding your own space and having a spine. Yes, he might just go somewhere else which is probably what he was already doing if you're simply a last-minute "option" anyways.

 

But maybe, just maybe it'll do one of two things. Either a) he'll realize you're showing and teaching him how you want to be treated and he'll step up the plate rather than lose you to someone who is willing to make the time for you and b) you'll realize you're showing him how you want to be treated and either he or someone willing to make the time for you will step up to the plate.

 

And c) most important of all, you will hopefully learn you don't put your life on hold sitting by the phone for someone else's "options." You go out into the world and make your own choices and YOUR options are limitless when you do that.

[Wiseman2]

Doesn't this tell you all you need to know to dump him?

Just be nice if he could think about it a bit earlier

[DancingFool]

Your guess is as good as mine! Trying his luck i guess. Just be nice if he could think about it a bit earlier

 

He can think about it earlier, unfortunately you don't rate high enough for that. Sorry for being so blunt, but I think you need to stop twisting yourself into knots over a guy who is making it very clear that you are just a afterthought for him. I mean it's not just last minute, but also only when he is bored and his other plans fell apart. Talk about being plan C.

 

It really does seem like you are thinking of him as boyfriend and he is thinking of you as last minute casual chic. I'd drop him if I were you.

[journeynow]

I made a point of saying "how about we plan something again in advance, when are you next free?"

 

Instead if this ^, which is still vague, maybe try naming a specific time (or 2) and place and activity. Instead of leaving it to him to figure it out, you make it a simple request for a yes or no.

 

Maybe he is a spontaneous kind of guy, but that doesn't mean you have to be "on call". You can give the relationship some structure. But it does seem like you are an afterthought. Was it always like this?

[Jibralta]

If you don't like being treated this way, make it a rule to say "no" every time he gives you less than 24 hours notice.

 

If he never calls you again, be ok with it. I would be.

[SilentG]

No it hasnt always been like this. It used to be a mixture of planned dates and suggestions the day of. I dont mind so much if planned dates are also made and if we do something on the day of he gives me good few hours notice. Now i am feeling like an after thought, as he goes about his daily routine (work, gym etc) then once he gets home from the gym then he will think about me. Everytime i leave him i never know when the next time is i will see him which leaves me feeling slightly anxious (ridiculous as that sounds)

[journeynow]

No it hasnt always been like this. It used to be a mixture of planned dates and suggestions the day of. I dont mind so much if planned dates are also made and if we do something on the day of he gives me good few hours notice. Now i am feeling like an after thought, as he goes about his daily routine (work, gym etc) then once he gets home from the gym then he will think about me. Everytime i leave him i never know when the next time is i will see him which leaves me feeling slightly anxious (ridiculous as that sounds)

 

It doesn't sound ridiculous that it leaves you slightly anxious. I know what it is like. When married, I never knew when my husband would have time off. When he was self-employed he often worked 7 days a week, sometimes sun-up to sun-down or even longer. Plans would be vague, or if firm sometimes had to be cancelled. It was hard to plan around because if he DID happen to be off work I naturally wanted to spend time with him. He was a loving and fun guy, we shared humor and interests and raised 2 great children. We've split up (he became even less available, so we ended) but are friends. Now he is semi-retired and better at planning. But also, as friends, I made it clear early on that I won't put up with unreliability. In retrospect, I see his lack of availability (and my waiting for it) while married differently. On my part, I could have been more proactive. I thought I was being helpful by being so flexible and making "our time" up to him. But the way he works, he had so many things on his mind and on his plate, that his having to decide on time for us added to that load. I could have made it firm that Saturday afternoons and evenings (or whatever) was our time, and made plans, and done those things even if he had to cancel.

[Ms Darcy]

No it hasnt always been like this. It used to be a mixture of planned dates and suggestions the day of. I dont mind so much if planned dates are also made and if we do something on the day of he gives me good few hours notice. Now i am feeling like an after thought, as he goes about his daily routine (work, gym etc) then once he gets home from the gym then he will think about me. Everytime i leave him i never know when the next time is i will see him which leaves me feeling slightly anxious (ridiculous as that sounds)

 

Have you talked to him about how you feel? That overall you don't feel valued and respected.

[IAmFCA]

It doesn't sound ridiculous that it leaves you slightly anxious. I know what it is like. When married, I never knew when my husband would have time off. When he was self-employed he often worked 7 days a week, sometimes sun-up to sun-down or even longer. Plans would be vague, or if firm sometimes had to be cancelled. It was hard to plan around because if he DID happen to be off work I naturally wanted to spend time with him. He was a loving and fun guy, we shared humor and interests and raised 2 great children. We've split up (he became even less available, so we ended) but are friends. Now he is semi-retired and better at planning. But also, as friends, I made it clear early on that I won't put up with unreliability. In retrospect, I see his lack of availability (and my waiting for it) while married differently. On my part, I could have been more proactive. I thought I was being helpful by being so flexible and making "our time" up to him. But the way he works, he had so many things on his mind and on his plate, that his having to decide on time for us added to that load. I could have made it firm that Saturday afternoons and evenings (or whatever) was our time, and made plans, and done those things even if he had to cancel.

 

I made firm plans and did them anyway if he cancelled. All that happened is I did stuff on my own. I found this situation unworkable. It would be okay for me as an occasional event. I am used to that through my fathers work and my own. But when all plans are subordinate to whatever is going on - that just doesn't work.

[IAmFCA]

Have you talked to him about how you feel? That overall you don't feel valued and respected.

 

I look forward to this answer. I would like to learn how to have this conversation effectively.

[itsallgrand]

Have you talked to him about how you feel? That overall you don't feel valued and respected.

 

I'm wondering this too. Maybe it's time for a check in to see if you are still on the same page. Communication is so much in a relationship. If you can't talk about this, and get some resolution together, well, you can't keep this relationship going alone.

[journeynow]

But when all plans are subordinate to whatever is going on - that just doesn't work.

 

Exactly right. It doesn't work.

[ParisPaulette]

I have another question OP, when he calls you late at night do you just go over and have sex with them and there are no other plans? If so then you've pretty much just become a booty call and that very well could be why he doesn't call and actually plan a date with any advance. You're there to just service him when he's home and wants some.

 

Not sure if this is the case, but if that's what it's devolved to then you need to take a look at that and ask yourself if that's the relationship you want, because it seems to be all he's giving. I say that because when I dated guys who did that to me, made last minute "I'm at my place come over," it wasn't because they wanted a relationship with me even when they said they did.

 

Someone who wants a full relationship takes the time to go out with you, to plan things, to include you in their life. Not just as a "now that I've done everything with everyone else you can come over and give me what I want."