She is attracted to a female friend

[Nuindacil]

Hi guys,

 

So I previously posted about a bit of a complicated situation that I'm in, you can check that out at /forum/showthread.php?t=518459

 

Yesterday I was planning to finally have that talk with her, so I arranged this special date to do so. It was fantastic. Late at night, things were getting especially romantic and we were asking each other intimate questions while holding her in my arms, so it seemed like the perfect moment. I started by asking "so would you like to be my girlfriend?" - what followed wasn't good...

 

To put it in context: Several weeks ago, she told me that she's bisexual (I'm totally fine with that). She also told me about this female friend of hers to whom she feels attracted. They've known each other for many years, and according to her, the sentiment is reciprocal but her friend says she doesn't want to get into a lesbian relationship. Because of that, she's been feeling frustrated for a very long time. When she told me, I was happy that she had decided to share such an intimate story with me and didn't worry further.

 

Ok, so yesterday after I asked her that, she brought it up

I didn't want to screw up by getting defensive, so I didn't insist anymore and just tried to relate to her feelings. It was so frustrating, because we were really having an amazing connection and I was hoping to finally tell her everything that I need to tell her (see my other post).

 

Besides, in retrospect, maybe this explains why things between us haven't been moving forward faster, after dating for more than three months... Because she still needs to move on from her feelings towards this girl. Does that make sense?

 

Now, this girl is from her hometown, so she lives about 600km from here. Soon she's going there for a few vacation days, and I guess that they'll meet. Should I wait until she comes back and inquire again? How do you think I should handle this?

[Gary Snyder]

Somebody else owns her heart (a woman). There is no room for anybody else there.

 

I would move on and date others........ find somebody who is ready for love, actually available. Why put your love life on hold? Even when she gets over this girl, what makes you think you'll be the one? How do you know? And how long will it take for her to get over it? - it could take years.... especially if she still sees the woman. It's a huge gamble.

 

There are millions of other single women in the world. Why waste time on unrequited love? Don't gamble your time away, time is precious.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like she has you in the friendzone and this crush has her in the friendzone. Because she's in limbo, you're in limbo.

To be honest she just sounds confused and not ready for a relationship either way.

"so would you like to be my girlfriend?". her friend says she doesn't want to get into a lesbian relationship.

[Nuindacil]

Okay, I get your point, guys. I agree that soon I'll have to see if I continue pursuing this, or move on and start dating other women. In the meantime, let's have a little faith. I'm about to turn 31, I've been with all kinds of women, and from the experience I've had, I get the feeling that this is worth a shot.

 

Of course, I cannot accept being friend-with-benefits-zoned (this sounds so weird). So I was thinking of giving her time to figure out what she wants, keep being my best self, and then basically express what I want and be ready to walk away if she's not ready for it. Does that make sense?

[Wiseman2]

Although you did this already, are you hoping the visit with her friend will clarify things for her since the friend doesn't even want her?

then basically express what I want

[elliesays99]

dude!!! you need to tell her you're leaving first and foremost! what if you go through all this trouble and then you tell her you're leaving and she doesn't want to do long distance? or she gets pissed that you waited this whole time? honestly if I was in her situation and you asked me to be your girlfriend before telling me you're leaving id feel like I were being trapped. You can't do much without knowing what she wants to do with this info!

[Nuindacil]

Wiseman2: Maybe? I don't know. Well, that's why I'm here asking for advice. What do you think?

 

elliesays99: I was so determined to telling her the other day! But then this caught me off-guard. Ok, I think that what I wrote in my previous post is a bad idea... But how do you suggest that I tell her? I mean, if she tells me about this crush of hers, and I reply with "Oh, I see. Well, it's your decision. By the way, I'm leaving the country in 2 months" -- It'd be very untimely, don't you think?

[Wiseman2]

I think two things are going on, she's unsure of your relationship. She has this crush which is quite complicated. Now how these two are related, it could be she holds this up as a wall.

 

For example tells this girl she's in a relationship with you, tells you she has mixed feelings etc. Thereby dragging everyone into her existential relationship and sexuality angst, so she's not alone in this abyss.

 

The crush does not want this bi relationship so she will comeback from the trip disappointed

What do you think?

[Nuindacil]

Hey,

 

I'm gonna give you an update on this. She came back, and we met for dinner at my place. It seems that although her crush still doesn't want a lesbian relationship with her, she still loves her anyway. As a consequence, she had decided to stop having sex with me.

 

I remained confident, told her it was her choice and avoided arguing about it. I acted a bit like I didn't care, but as you can guess, I'm pretty much devastated. I don't know what I can do, if there's still hope to save this relationship...