kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 So I have this male friend (as the title says) who likes me a lot. He wants a relationship. I however I did tell him a while ago my feelings are not the same, but they could change in the future if we spend time together. However, I m now finding that with this time spent that I really like him, he's great, but I just don't like him like that. I've told him this but he's only hearing what he wants. He gets really moody that I also spend time with my ex boyfriend who is very close to me and I consider to be one of my best friends. The ex boyfriend I love very deeply and we get on very well. I just feel we split up a long time ago and a lot of water has passed under the bridge . I'd like to get back with him if im honest, as I'd be lost without him, I just don't no how to do that. This other bloke has been telling me not to hang around with my ex. Which I feel he has no right to do as we are not in a relationship and nothing has even happened between us. I'm a bit worried about this because I don't like people telling me how to run my life. How do I handle this please, Link to comment
Clinton Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 First off, never give anyone false hope that you aren't interested in, it's cruel. You can't really be friends with someone who has romantic feelings for you, so end the relationship. And you being really good friends with your ex will in all likelihood cause problems in any future romantic relationship you have. Link to comment
eldasensei Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Just call this off as fast as possible. The guy is too much invested allready. He can't force you into a relationship. If it isn't there, it isn't there. It's best for both of you to cut contact and Just Move on as fast as possible before the investments get too much out of hand. Link to comment
nutbrownhare Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I however I did tell him a while ago my feelings are not the same, but they could change in the future if we spend time together. However, I m now finding that with this time spent that I really like him, he's great, but I just don't like him like that. I've told him this but he's only hearing what he wants. You are giving him false hope; of course he isn't hearing what you're saying right now, because you've told him your feelings could change in the future if you spend time together. Just supposing you had strong romantic feelings for someone, and they told you effectively that spending time together could turn their feelings of friendship into romantic ones - how would YOU take this? Keeping this guy hanging around when really there's no hope - especially as you're still in love with your ex - just isn't fair. Do the decent thing and tell him that you're really not available, and cut contact with him. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Your friend is projecting. He thinks because he has feelings for you, you must have the same level of feelings for him. Those relationships never go well. Link to comment
eldasensei Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Just supposing you had strong romantic feelings for someone, and they told you effectively that spending time together could turn their feelings of friendship into romantic ones - how would YOU take this? For example If a recent ex lost his feelings for you a Long Time ago and at the Same Time tells you that those feelings might get back. You know how a case like that feels on the other end. You feeling his distant behaviour everytime you try to get closer, receiving constant flakes and overanalyzing everything. I think the guy you're talking to now is probably in this position. Or maybe I'm the one overanalyzing things lol Link to comment
AxlVega Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I guess the mere fact that you hang out with this guy gives him hopes. And if he doesn't understand that friendship =/= relationship, maybe back out altogether. He probably thinks the only thing between you two is the shadow of your ex, and because you're not back with him, this gives him hope yet. Speaking of which, why did you break up in the first place? Was cheating involved? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 In a way he's right, it could be holding you back in general. For example using this guy as filler really isn't working, is it?This other bloke has been telling me not to hang around with my ex. Link to comment
j.man Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Even if I were single, I would never remain friends with someone who admitted romantic feelings for me and I didn't feel the same. I think to do so suggests either apathy or a need for attention. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 What the others have said, plus it's actually disrespectful to your boyfriend to hang around a guy who wants your relationship to die. He may actually try to do something about that either openly or more covertly as well. I once lost a relationship when I was much younger to a "friend" who had romantic feelings for me who started to spread rumors the guy I was dating then chose to believe. Granted neither of them were nice people, but still it hurt. Tell this guy you've hung out, there are still no feelings, and you are going to end the friendship altogether since he's not hearing or respecting you plus it's not fair to him. Then you block and delete him and don't look back. Yeah, it'll hurt in the short term, but not have as much as when he gets so frustrated and fed up he does something stupid or turns on you, which yes that does happen. Plus it's just cruel to him, like telling a starving man "Well, maybe you'll get fed if you hang around long enough." Plus I'm sorry, but anyone who doesn't listen to your boundaries needs to not be a part of your life period. Life has taught me this, it will you too, but the sooner you get that memo the better. Be kind to both this guy and your boyfriend, end the friendship and keep it ended for good. He's not actually a friend anyways if he has another agenda, and it involves only what he wants. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 You need to be clear with this guy, none of this wishy=washy stuff about "Oh maybe in the future if we spend enough time together something could maybe happen." Stop giving him false home and reduce how much time you spend with him, a lot. Link to comment
TMifune Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 I'm a bit worried about this because I don't like people telling me how to run my life. So.....is it safe to reply to this? ;-) How do I handle this please, In my opinion, you handle it by moving out of the past and taking a chance on the future. The dude doesn't get to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. But you do need to understand that if you're getting so much support from an ex-boyfriend that you say: ..I'd be lost without him then any sane reasonably well-adjusted guy is going to stay away from you once he realizes it. Your ex boyfriend is a perimeter fence around your heart keeping all new options away. It's still there, people can still see it, people can still want to touch it, but nobody can get through the wall you're keeping erected around it. How many times do you think someone's going to get cut on the barbed wire trying to climb over and reach your heart before they decide it's not worth it? I'm not saying you have to give this friend a chance, but if things aren't going to happen with your ex-boyfriend, you're really only hurting yourself. By clinging to the past you leave yourself unavailable for whatever opportunities for joy and fulfillment that you may otherwise find in the present. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 First off, never give anyone false hope that you aren't interested in, it's cruel. You can't really be friends with someone who has romantic feelings for you, so end the relationship. And you being really good friends with your ex will in all likelihood cause problems in any future romantic relationship you have. It wasn't false hope, I told him I'd see if spending time with him would change that, which it hasn't. I don't think I want to spend time with anyone else I enjoy being around my ex more than anyone Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Why did you break up with him then? I enjoy being around my ex more than anyone Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 You are giving him false hope; of course he isn't hearing what you're saying right now, because you've told him your feelings could change in the future if you spend time together. Just supposing you had strong romantic feelings for someone, and they told you effectively that spending time together could turn their feelings of friendship into romantic ones - how would YOU take this? Keeping this guy hanging around when really there's no hope - especially as you're still in love with your ex - just isn't fair. Do the decent thing and tell him that you're really not available, and cut contact with him. I told him I cared about him but I didn't feel as much as him back then. Now after spending time I no those feelings haven't grown so I will tell him I can't see him anymore. I think it's for the best. I'm not in love with my ex, I love him very deeply. There are many different types of love. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 For example If a recent ex lost his feelings for you a Long Time ago and at the Same Time tells you that those feelings might get back. You know how a case like that feels on the other end. You feeling his distant behaviour everytime you try to get closer, receiving constant flakes and overanalyzing everything. I think the guy you're talking to now is probably in this position. Or maybe I'm the one overanalyzing things lol It's not the same he was a stranger to me when he declared his feelings. Not like an ex who you would know very well. So for one I couldn't take him seriously when he had all of these feelings so soon into knowing me and this is why I said I needed time to get to know him. Now I know him better it's not reciprocated. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 I guess the mere fact that you hang out with this guy gives him hopes. And if he doesn't understand that friendship =/= relationship, maybe back out altogether. He probably thinks the only thing between you two is the shadow of your ex, and because you're not back with him, this gives him hope yet. Speaking of which, why did you break up in the first place? Was cheating involved? It was years ago. No cheating but lots of reasons, very complicated to go into as so many things that are not relivent now. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Your replies come off as very immature/naive. I don't think you should be dating anyone right now. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 Why don't you just reconcile, if that's where your heart is? so many things that are not relivent now. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 In my opinion, you handle it by moving out of the past and taking a chance on the future. The dude doesn't get to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. But you do need to understand that if you're getting so much support from an ex-boyfriend that you say: then any sane reasonably well-adjusted guy is going to stay away from you once he realizes it. Your ex boyfriend is a perimeter fence around your heart keeping all new options away. It's still there, people can still see it, people can still want to touch it, but nobody can get through the wall you're keeping erected around it. How many times do you think someone's going to get cut on the barbed wire trying to climb over and reach your heart before they decide it's not worth it? I'm not saying you have to give this friend a chance, but if things aren't going to happen with your ex-boyfriend, you're really only hurting yourself. By clinging to the past you leave yourself unavailable for whatever opportunities for joy and fulfillment that you may otherwise find in the present. Yes your right I think. I am attached to my past and I find it really hard to let go. Especially because I still enjoy my ex company and still love him. I'm not bothered if I never meet anyone because of it. I like being single. I've been working on myself now for years and I'd find it hard to give that up. Maybe that's the problem. I do also understand you can't be friends with someone who has other agendas. So I think me and him are going to have to have the open honest talk. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 Why did you break up with him then? Complicated. Lots of reasons . I don't want to go into them all I'd have to write a long list that would require more explanations Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 28, 2016 Author Share Posted July 28, 2016 Your replies come off as very immature/naive. I don't think you should be dating anyone right now. I'm not dating anyone right now. Link to comment
ParisPaulette Posted July 28, 2016 Share Posted July 28, 2016 In my opinion, you handle it by moving out of the past and taking a chance on the future. The dude doesn't get to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. But you do need to understand that if you're getting so much support from an ex-boyfriend that you say: Quote Originally Posted by kathy679 View Post ..I'd be lost without him then any sane reasonably well-adjusted guy is going to stay away from you once he realizes it. Your ex boyfriend is a perimeter fence around your heart keeping all new options away. It's still there, people can still see it, people can still want to touch it, but nobody can get through the wall you're keeping erected around it. How many times do you think someone's going to get cut on the barbed wire trying to climb over and reach your heart before they decide it's not worth it? I'm not saying you have to give this friend a chance, but if things aren't going to happen with your ex-boyfriend, you're really only hurting yourself. By clinging to the past you leave yourself unavailable for whatever opportunities for joy and fulfillment that you may otherwise find in the present. ^^^^ THIS, all of what TMifune said right here. One of the best pieces of advice I've seen on this topic here, frankly. Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Share Posted July 29, 2016 ^^^^ THIS, all of what TMifune said right here. One of the best pieces of advice I've seen on this topic here, frankly. I agree. What TMifune has said is spot on Link to comment
kathy679 Posted July 29, 2016 Author Share Posted July 29, 2016 I do have trouble moving on from the past Link to comment
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