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5 love languages


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Hi, just wondering what people's thoughts are on the 5 love languages as outlined by Gary Chapman.


I have looked into it briefly and found the concept very interesting and potentially extremely useful. I took a test to establish my love languages and it has helped me make sense of a lot of things.

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I haven't read the book or taken a test, but I know what mine are just from reading the descriptions (quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch are mine). My ex's were the same, and things always felt wonderful while together, because we were both speaking the same languages to each other. Things didn't work out with us, but that was for other reasons. There's definitely something to it all for sure.


ETA: The other two languages make me feel slightly uncomfortable, whether to give or receive. Especially gifts. So if I was with someone whose primary love language was gifts, I would have to really stretch myself to show love to them in that way (or receive it in that way). Much easier if your languages already match up.

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I've read the book years ago. It focuses on the fact you should have ONE main love language...


Of course...I like all of them also. Gifts are my least fav. But....I took the test and 'time' was my #1. I kept thinking it was words of affirmation. But that was more #2. Plus....lol...I love to be TOUCHED. And i'm a toucher. But only by my bf. If not my bf...keep your cotton pickin' hands offa me!

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Dear Thornz,


I like this concept, and use it in romantic relationships; it's also great to know the primary love languages of my children, my friends, my mother, my siblings, and my students. If you can identify a person's primary love language, and then speak to him/her in that language, it strengthens the relationship.


Hi Realitynut! I've only read parts of the book, but I was surprised to read your comment about how it focuses on the fact that people should have ONE main love language. I have read most of the website, my daughter has read whole sections of the book to me, and I have heard several teachings on the topic. I wonder if Chapman's perception has broadened since he wrote the original book. I know one language generally feels like your "native language." We feel the most loved when people speak to us in our primary or native love language. I also saw that we can have two or three languages that speak to us nearly equally. I read that we should learn how to speak all five languages fluently so others around us will "hear" our love in their own native languages.


More recently, Chapman has also identified different apology languages. There is an online test for discovering your primary apology language(s). This concept is cool, too, but I haven't gotten to practice it in a romantic context because I have not dated much since I discovered the apology languages. Chapman describe these five languages very well, and the test is interesting to take.


It was very easy to rank my love languages from most to least important, whereas I was much less clear on the ranking of my apology languages.


My 23-year-old daughter tells me that The 5 Love Languages book has helped her a lot in her dating relationships.


It is certainly worth looking into, in my opinion. What is not to love about learning how to love others better?




P.S. FWIW, my primary love language is words of affirmation (fairly obvious from my chosen ENA screen name!), and the next two, which rank immediately after it, tying for second place, are spending quality time together and physical touch and closeness; next comes works of service, and in last place is gift-giving. In romantic relationships, I find myself speaking all five regularly. It seems to make everyone happy!

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Hi, thanks for your responses.


Lostlove, this is what I'm finding in my current relationship, we seem to have the same primary love languages (physical affection and quality time) which means I have always felt very cared for and important so everything has pretty much fallen into place. With my previous partner however, he had no understanding whatsoever that I needed his time. He refused to make time for me and in the end I resented him and didn't feel like a priority to him at all. The love languages has helped me understand that it just wasn't how he communicates love. I think his primary language was words of affirmation (I'm a don't sugar coat things or be nice just to be nice kind of person) so he also felt like I didn't care.


Like you I have two languages that make me feel uncomfortable, I hate to receive gifts (but I actually like to give them) and I hate typical words of affirmation ( particularly those of a shallow nature i.e "you're so beautiful" annoys the life out of me, because I don't think that's important).


Reality nut, I listened to the eBook and he says we have a primary language and some may have a second. I believe my primary and second are equally important as I am very tactile and love to be touchy feely with my friends also and need one on one time. Interesting that you like all of them. I guess you might find it reasonably easy to relate to people who don't have the same primary languages??? For me I don't think I have any friends who require words of affirmation. My two best friends and my bro are all quality time/physical touch people so that might explain how we get on so well. One of my friends also expressed appreciation that I buy her thoughtful gifts and that I'm good at picking little things she likes, so I guess that's an important language for her. I might get her a gift for next time I see her, see how she responds to that.


Youareworthy, absolutely, I think it is a great idea to establish and enact the love languages of those who you relate to in order to build stronger relationships. I struggle in particular with words of affirmation and would like to improve on this.


I'm very excited to learn there is now an apology language concept!! Will be looking into that shortly.


As you say, to love and be loved is a great pleasure so why not learn to love at your greatest potential??

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  • 3 weeks later...
I think the book is an enlightening and excellent read. The concepts I feel are an oversimplification of human emotion but still extremely useful for understanding ourselves and those we love. Completely worth the easy read IMO.


I didn't even read it, listened to the audio book on YouTube, cheap and easy

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