Confused feelings about NC (no contact)

[MrHonestleeful]

Ex-gf of nearly 3 years (living with me) goes out with old classmate she used to have a thing for, ignores me through the night as she tells him of her feelings for him.

 

After that, she comes to my place and tells me that we cannot be together citing lingering issues between us (cultural differences, religion, etc). I hesitantly accept that we have to break up... but am very emotional and confused at this point, especially because she too expresses doubts about breaking up (and we sleep together in a moment of passion).

 

In hindsight, I should have broken off all ties with her when she told me about her telling the other guy of her feelings for him... however, I was in shock and was desperately trying to fix things between us.

 

Wearing my rose-coloured lenses I give her many chances to explain herself - and she appears nonchalant, unregretful but says she knew she should have told me her feelings about us and things earlier. She says I'm super precious to her and she wants to always be there for me - and in my desperation/emotions I gladly accept that.

 

I push her for answers about the other guy and why she betrayed me, to which she responds very very disrespectfully to me. She tells me that we're broken up and now she owes me nothing and even though she promised me the answers I deserve, I "wouldn't get everything I deserved in life". She then tells me she wants nothing to do with me and asks me to never contact her again. She tells a mutual friend to try and get me to hate her to help me move on.

This happened 2 weeks ago and it's been NC and also emotionally traumatic for me since then.

 

I know that her hiding things from me was absolutely disrespectful to our long relationship. Now that my emotions have settled and I've had time to introspect on our relationship and the events that happened, I so so so wish that I had broken up with her and established NC when I observed her nonchalance and impenitent behaviour about meeting the other guy.

 

The way she established NC has left me really hurt and confused, and that's not because of the NC itself. It's because I was supposed to be the one who established NC for myself after HER mistakes and disrespect towards me. Reddit, I know I ed up by giving her chances and asking her to redeem herself (she seemed like she truly wanted to) and what's done is done. I now feel embarrassed for having been that vulnerable (and desperate) with her, as she was so callous and inconsiderate.

 

Therefore, my feelings about the established NC are very mixed and I really hope that she realizes her mistake in the future (pointless for me to move on but one hopes for things). Looking for your opinions/suggestions/perspectives.

[reinventmyself]

I can relate to your situation somewhat. Though our situations are different, I should have been the one to leave but didn't.

So where do we go from here?

First off, be kind to yourself. The loss is profound, beating yourself up over it is only causing more harm.

Try to deal with the loss without making it worse by punishing yourself. You don't deserve that.

I wish I had some more encouraging words because I know that saying `give it time' seems so empty in light of how you are feeling.

This will pass. . Just be patient.

[Doofus]

It's always 2-3 years. Women, especially young women are serially monogamous and the cycle is about that long. There's nothing you can do. It sucks, but, there it is.

 

It doesn't seem like it now, but you will love again.

 

In the mean time, enjoy your new found freedom. Remember all the times you did things with her when you might have rather been doing something else? Do those somethings else. Date. There's lots of attractive interesting women in the world. You don't have to fall in love to have fun getting to know some of them.

 

Take care of yourself. Get exercise, do your best to keep to a schedule. It's going to take a while - months maybe - but, eventually, you'll look back on this as a really good thing. No lie.

[boltnrun]

It's always 2-3 years. Women, especially young women are serially monogamous and the cycle is about that long. There's nothing you can do. It sucks, but, there it is.

 

Yep, you're right. There are no women who have been married for 50 years, none that have been in relationships longer than 3 years, because women are ALWAYS the ones to end things .

 

Anyway...I feel somewhat the same as the OP, in that I wish I had been the one to end my most recent relationship. Not because I wanted to "stick it" to my ex, but because it would have been much smarter of me to end it at the first sign of his mistreatment of me.

 

But I remind myself that he is no longer my problem and that I never again have to wonder where he is or who he's with. And, I've reached that wonderful stage of indifference. He tried to see me just a couple of weeks ago, and I was able to tell him "no" with no regrets.

 

You'll get there with time, I promise.