I screwed up and don't know what to do now.

[sopasopa]

This'll be a long one. Sorry.

 

When I was in 11th grade (I've just graduated), I had some classes with a guy who was in 12th grade. We didn't know about the other's feelings at the time, but just about a year ago, he told me he like me. I told him that I had too, but was unsure of where I was at that moment. He did some things after that that I think other people would have been flattered about, but they made uneasy. (Trust me, it was nothing bad. I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm kind of uncomfortable with my own emotions and expressing myself.)

 

We hit a rough patch shortly after he told me his feelings, because he was going into the navy. He decided that he didn't want to go so he could stay here with me. I initially said he shouldn't do anything he doesn't want to, especially if he'd be legally obligated to be a part of something for a four year minimum. I later changed my mind and told him that he should go. He was very lazy and irresponsible at the time, which I think is partially why I was unsure of committing to a relationship with him. He is currently in the navy.

 

It's taken me until the past few weeks to finally readjust and get comfortable with him again. We've texted very little since we talked about how we felt last year, and I think he initiated most of the conversations, if not all of them. I would sometimes wait upwards of 30 minutes to respond because I was still freaked out. The last time we talked was in April.

 

I apologized to him last week for how I reacted.

"Hey, I don't know if you thought of it this way at the time, or if you even care anymore, but I just wanted to let you know that nothing that happened last year was your fault or because you did anything wrong. I know it's cliche, but that whole 'it's not you, it's me' thing is 100% the case here. I am in no way trying to make this about myself, but to maybe shed alittle light on what I was thinking at the time, I should say that I am kind of uncomfortable with emotions, so it's easier for me to keep things bottled up and ignore it all than deal with any of it. I know I made you feel awful and I wanted to apologize."

 

I sent that at one in the morning, not expecting him to be up, but he wrote back 10 minutes later. I told myself beforehand that I wouldn't read it or respond until I woke up the next morning. He told me it was okay and that he understood. We talked very briefly over the next two days (messages were far and few between). I don't know if he waited so long between each message because he was busy (I know he is, the navy's obviously not easy) or because he didn't want to talk to me. His messages were pretty short and straightforward.

 

I've also recently watched a few videos and read a bit about the navy, and I'm thoroughly impressed. With how strict they are, I can't possibly see how he could be as irrepsonsible as he was. I saw him on Facebook and kind of fell for him all over again.

 

I'd really like to try it all again with him, but that was a year ago that we first talked about our feelings, and I know I can't expect him to still have feelings for me, or even care about me anymore. As I said, I only apologized a week ago. I know I can't expect everything to be patched up so soon like that either. I don't know what to say to him or if he even wants to talk to me.

 

I really want to see him face to face and talk (not even about this, just anything at all), but that'll be practically impossible because he is currently three states away. I don't know how to initiate a conversation with him right now because we haven't really talked in a while.

 

I know he deserves better than me. He shouldn't have had to deal with any of what happened. It's all my fault, and words can't express how sorry and horrible I feel for it all. I'm at a loss and don't know what to do. Should I just forget about him now? Or should I try and maybe pursue something with him again? His birthday is in a few weeks. Should I say something, or just leave him alone? I want to be friends with him, at the very least. I miss his company.

 

 

****I asked for help on this same topic on a different forum a few weeks ago, and people told me I was a jerk for playing with him. I don't think I was "playing" with him. I didn't intentionally do anything to hurt him. I never thought the confusion or overwhelming emotions were amusing or a joke to me.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's busy with his new life and has moved on. You could text him happy birthday, but it sounds like he's left the past in the past and doesn't care about all that anymore.

 

There is no need to keep reiterating your feelings and regrets. He's probably dating tons of women right now.

He is currently in the navy. His messages were pretty short and straightforward. we haven't really talked in a while

[sopasopa]

He's probably dating tons of women right now.

 

Thanks for your response. It irritated me a bit at first, but now I just find it funny. I can guarantee you he's not "dating tons of women right now". He's pretty shy and the "in-it-for-the-long-run" type. He really was a keeper, but I dun goofed. I might text him this weekend, but not bring any feelings into it. Just to see how he is, really.

 

I just don't want him to think that I think everything is okay now and that I'm going to try to talk to him because I feel better, because I don't.

[Wiseman2]

Aren't you concerned that he would see you as a clinger or desperate, since his responses are brief. He doesn't think you're 'a keeper', otherwise he wouldn't have moved on.

I just don't want him to think that I think everything is okay now and that I'm going to try to talk to him because I feel better, because I don't.