Alone after 4 years

[JonnyD79]

Good morning.

I'm currently 2 weeks in to being single again after my girlfriend of 4 years walked out. Over time I will give the reasons why we have broken up and more details of the situation.

 

She has gone back to her parents and left me in our shared home.

How am I dealing with it?

 

I've no idea. I go from manic to depressive all in a day. The mornings are the worst for feeling down. Fortunately I have a good, steady and busy job that means I have to have some normality between 8 and 5.

The evenings aren't too bad either.

 

I look forward to posting on here moving forward too.

Thanks

J.

[gp11a]

Sorry to hear, JonnyD79. Do you have anyone to talk to, like a therapist? Might help in tackling these emotions, especially since you say you're going from manic to depressive all in a day.

[JonnyD79]

Hi.

I am starting seeing a therapist on Friday. I don't see myself as manic depressive. I just have hugely positive times and then really sad times when I miss her and would do anything to have her back.

We've been NC since she walked out. We own a house together but her dad is dealing with that from her side. She's slightly immature when dealing with these things.

[Wiseman2]

Are you still talking? Is all her stuff gone?

She has gone back to her parents and left me in our shared home

[JonnyD79]

We haven't spoken since she walked out. Her parents came and took all of her stuff. The house is strange though as all the shared possessions are still there. She's only half a mile from me too.

It's difficult to keep NC but I want to for a few more weeks. If she wanted to contact me then she easily could.

[Wiseman2]

Did she explain this departure?

Her parents came and took all of her stuff.

[JonnyD79]

It's a long story.

She had been messaging a guy she works with which brought things to a head on the day.

Her parents also say that I've been mentally torturing her for 4 years too and talk about 3 incidences of this.

[Wiseman2]

Well in that case it sounds like she did the right thing. She has a right to leave. Just make sure all the joint bills etc get severed.

Her parents also say that I've been mentally torturing her for 4 years too and talk about 3 incidences of this.

[lostlove76]

Her parents also say that I've been mentally torturing her for 4 years too and talk about 3 incidences of this.

 

How so? If you feel like sharing.

[dave_1966]

It's a long story.

She had been messaging a guy she works with which brought things to a head on the day.

Her parents also say that I've been mentally torturing her for 4 years too and talk about 3 incidences of this.

 

Sounds like the mental torturing is a justification/excuse for emotionally (and more than likely physically) cheating on you. I'd put to that the therapist and see what they make of that. Perhaps you did torture her without even realising it, but her folks should butt out because they weren't there with you. Block her and her family on your phone, email, FB, everything in order to heal fast. Be very honest in therapy to clear any feelings of guilt she may be projecting on you, it's a very common tactic.

[JonnyD79]

We had 3 arguments that they are talking about.

One was a couple of years ago when I threatened to leave her. We were at her best friends wedding and she just ignored me all day. Made me feel she was ashamed to be with me

Second argument was in London. We fell out in Fortnum & Mason and I walked out and went next door. I told her that I was going next door.

Third argument was when I got fed up of her handbag in the door way so put it outside.

 

Mental torture.

[JonnyD79]

I messed up the NC this morning.

I find that in the mornings I miss her more than ever. So I text her. It was a rather breezy message: Hi Janey, I've realised we still have half of season 5 of GoT still to watch. I don't really want to watch it on my own, it wouldn't feel right.

 

She replied a couple of hours later: Well sell it on eBay.

 

It's only been 2 weeks but it's the first contact either of us have had with each other.

 

I know it was stupid of me. The feelings are still raw. I should have waited at least a month.

 

I have no intention of replying. I don't want to get in to a text argument.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent at least she's talking about rationally dividing things up and not being weird.

She replied a couple of hours later: Well sell it on eBay.

[JonnyD79]

She messaged me yesterday afternoon too while I was at work.

She demanded a utility bill off me.

I have all the household bills - all but one of which are in my sole name - in a secure off-site location (in my locked desk at work).

I have sorted all her things out and put them in an envelope. No doubt her dad will come in to the house over the weekend whilst I'm not in and collect them.

 

She also accused me of keeping an outfit she'd bought. I have no idea what she's on about.

 

2 weeks in to the breakup and I still have highs and lows. I know I'll be moving out of the house at some point so I'm looking at potential rents closer to work. It's scary but also exciting. I also know I'll need furniture so I've been looking at this.

I've also done the maths regarding the financial split of the property. I should get GBP 15 - 16,000. It could be worse.

 

However, then I think about how much I miss her, how I never wanted this and also how difficult it could be to find someone new.

I still cry everyday.

[JonnyD79]

Is it wrong to feel like a failure when a relationship breaks down? Do I put too much of my own self worth on having to be in a long-term relationship?

[be strong244]

its really crazy sometimes ... we dont understand it all... but i really hope u find the strength to get up and move on some day... i just went through a break up not even a month yet of the breakup...it really hurts and i know what u going through... but i believe with time u will get better and come out better...

[conwy]

I have the same issue-being more sad when I wake up in the morning. I have a demanding job, so during the day I'm occupied. The afternoon is hard, then come the evening, I'm optimistic. I would say the usual, "It'll get better", "give it time", but that doesn't help anyone when they're in the situation, hurting. This forum has helped me. Lean on your friends and family. You got this!

[JonnyD79]

Thanks guys.

I've not had a great weekend. Missed her like crazy. I hardly slept at all last night as I kept thinking about her. This is the first time in 17 days that I've had her on my mind so much at bedtime. It's also the first time I'm dreamed of her since we broke up.

I ended up staying up most of the night watching movies.

I want her back so much. I want her to know that I'm doing all I can to change. I saw a counsellor regarding some issues I have for the first time last Friday. I want to fix myself. I worry that she'll never want to talk to me and find out what I'm doing to improve myself.

[Emptyspace]

Thanks guys.

I've not had a great weekend. Missed her like crazy. I hardly slept at all last night as I kept thinking about her. This is the first time in 17 days that I've had her on my mind so much at bedtime. It's also the first time I'm dreamed of her since we broke up.

I ended up staying up most of the night watching movies.

I want her back so much. I want her to know that I'm doing all I can to change. I saw a counsellor regarding some issues I have for the first time last Friday. I want to fix myself. I worry that she'll never want to talk to me and find out what I'm doing to improve myself.

 

I could've written that. I'm also 2 weeks post break up (11 year relationship) and cry every day. I have slightly better times, mostly terrible times and my sleeping is awful. I wake about 4am and my anxiety is sky high. I miss her so much.

 

In the 2 weeks we've been apart I've done do much soul-searching, learning, understanding etc. I want her to know that I understand more and am working hard to change what she saw as unreasonable behaviour. I am trying.

 

I hope you are able to continue NC. I understand how hard it is, but in my experience any contact only reopens wounds that weren't quite so raw, and gives her the power to hurt you all over again.

[JonnyD79]

My mood has changed massively again.

I went to see our family solicitor this morning to talk about what I could expect from splitting of the assets. My figures tally with theirs, I won't be left with nothing like I was when I got divorced.

I also saw one of my closest friends yesterday for a drink. He always make me feel positive.

I wish I could stay this positive, I worry though about how I may feel tomorrow.

[Emptyspace]

Glad you've had a positive day. They'll become more frequent in time. Keep reaching out to your friends, that's what they're there for.

 

One day at a time.

[JonnyD79]

Not so great today. I can't stop thinking about her.

[Emptyspace]

You'll be up and down for a good while yet. A week of bad days, a good day, a week more bad days, a couple of good days... Swings and roundabouts, but it'll get better with time.

[JonnyD79]

I had a decent nights sleep last night. Yeah, the bed still feels strange without her in it and I'd rather be sharing it with her but sleeping is essential.

Yesterday was the first day I haven't cried too. It's a small milestone but I'm pleased. Today is 3 weeks, it's gone so quickly but it also feels like a lifetime ago.

[Silver star]

Snap. I split from my bf of 3 years, 3 weeks ago. It was mutual and we are having no contact. I lost my job too so keeping busy is not easy