He will be seeing his ex in his hometown

[canadianparrot]

I've been seeing a guy for about 7 months, everything being perfect apart from one thing. We are both immigrants from the same country, and I saw him texting a girl from our home country (but different city, let's say N.).

I confronted him and he said it's sort of a friend, and I need not to worry - he will never go to N., and she will never come here. Okay.

 

Soon he will be going on a holiday back home, to the city A., mainly to meet his new brother's wife and friends. When I am staying over at his place, he is always offering his ipad to me while he is on Skype, so that I don't get bored. So.. Recently I felt like peeking into his messages with that N. girl for the first time and I was amazed to find that she bought the same tickets to A., like the same dates as him... Also I read that she asked whether he will be bringing me with him so that "we could meet each other". Erm. There was also a lot of her mentioning me, but the whole nature of communication is sort of playful but not dirty, no kiss smileys or whatever.

 

That hit me hard. I couldn't help but crying and I asked him what the deal was with that girl; turns out she has been visiting his city every summer (it's a seaside vacation destination) and that's where they know each other from. Seems like they had something going on before, but now they are "talking on a different level because he is with someone". He said I don't need to worry and that he is happy with me and doesn't need anything like sex on his trip, and that he was gonna see her like one time, and that they both have separate plans (she is visiting her friends).

 

I will be extremely worried during these ten days though, she seems to be after him (I know that she looks at my social network profile every single day), and although she lives thousands of miles away from us, I could feel there is a weird connection between them (why would they text each other every 4 days or so?).

 

How should I approach him after he is back? Strange thing that he 100% trusts me with his phone and ipad, even after all of the above. He explicitly said he doesn't mind me reading that and even explained the content of some messages that worried me lol. Do you think I should trust him? I asked him why didn't he invite me on the trip, and he said it is too early as he is seeing his relatives - and that he is planning to get to me meet his parents before I follow him to his hometown.

[Gary Snyder]

This is why you don't meet people of the opposite sex in a one-on-one situation that looks like a date. It can cause jealousy, and stuff can happen.

 

And it's time for you to meet his family....... and you two should be in the honeymoon phase of the relationship at this point - it does not make sense that he does not want you to come along, he should want you to go on trips with him.

 

I don't think he's going to cheat because the girl asked if you would be coming so she could meet you - that suggests she considers him just a friend and off limits (good!). As you know, it takes two to tango and she does not want to dance with someone who is taken. but this thing still stinks.

[canadianparrot]

Thanks for the reply! Yeah we just came back from a holiday in Asia, and this trip is like "him-meeting-his-new-relatives" (as in, brother's wife). And personally I think that the reason she asked about me coming with him is to make sure he is gonna be there alone.. And she never has anyone, like years and years pass and she is single, maybe that's just how she wants to keep it in his eyes..

[missmarple]

It is a bit complicated but I wouldn't worry. I would worry if he kept both of you hidden from each other..which isn't the case at all. Even if she does have 'other' motives, it takes 2 to tango

[canadianparrot]

Hehe thank you. I don't think he would have ever told me about her unless I asked. On the other hand, he doesn't seem nervous about my easy access to his messaging - even I am paranoid about my phone although I don't have anything like that going on

[missmarple]

Hehe thank you. I don't think he would have ever told me about her unless I asked. Although he doesn't seem nervous about my easy access to his messaging - even I am paranoid about my phone although I don't have anything like that going on

 

To be honest, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell my bf I may meet an ex bf-turned-friend if I was visiting my hometown, either...I wouldn't see a reason to. But I would be honest if asked..so, basically, his behavior seems normal to me.

[canadianparrot]

missmarple: true, i wouldnt mention that either. All seems fine, but I am quite puzzled about the whole motivation for meeting her and keeping in touch with her on such frequent occasion. And why did she buy the tickets with the same dates.. This fact alone makes me think of a holiday together and draws disturbing pictures. And there will be no way to disprove them unfortunately

[Gary Snyder]

^^^^I agree with you ladies.

[missmarple]

I am quite puzzled about the whole motivation for meeting her and keeping in touch with her on such frequent occasion. And why did she buy the tickets with the same dates.. This fact alone makes me think of a holiday together and draws disturbing pictures. And there will be no way to disprove them unfortunately

 

I keep in touch with people I see once every few years...most of them people I used to know as a child...from holidays, school, etc. The date could be a coincidence or she could be interested in him or it could be something innocent like 'I'd like to be there when he is because he keeps good company' (I've done that before for people I had no romantic interest in).

 

In any case, stop overthinking it or you'll drive yourself crazy. Indeed, there will be no way of knowing what exactly will happen between them. If you trust your bf (and you should know if you do after 7 months) just wish him a happy trip

[canadianparrot]

Haha yes you are probably right. I just didn't like the content of some messages, they were sometimes kinda flirty. Not too bad, but given the situation.. Well, no idea

 

Actually we just went through a long distance part of our relationship - I was on an exchange for 4 months. 12 hours time difference was not helping lol but it went fine! He never controlled or questioned me or anything although I was always surrounded by lots of young people my age, I even lived in a mixed gender apartment with my classmates.. He just came to visit me in the end and that's it

[Gary Snyder]

I hate to say this but...... OP, if you have trust issues, that could be an issue all by itself. May I ask, have you ever been cheated on?

[canadianparrot]

Yeah that's exactly the case, I never had real relationships before that lasted for more than 2 months, all of them pretty much ended with them going back to their ex, or switching to my classmate without even a closure. Like there was always someone more significant to them as it turned out.. Even my mum is 100% sure that he is off to sleep with that girl And her partner advised me to go look for someone new.. Like next thing i know will be him marrying her and bringing her to live with him in canada

In a current situation I would be freaked out either way i guess though..

[annie24]

I'd trust him. It sounds like he's been open and honest with you about what's going on. If he says you shouldn't worry, then don't worry in the absence of other information.

[Wiseman2]

Why aren't you going, how early is too early if you are supposedly a couple? It sounds like he was hoping you wouldn't find out about this tryst and is underplaying it with reassurances. He wants you to be there when he gets back.

 

Do you thing this is will lead to an arranged marriage for him?

Seems like they had something going on before, but now they are "talking on a different level because he is with someone". He said I don't need to worry and that he is happy with me. I asked him why didn't he invite me on the trip, and he said it is too early

[canadianparrot]

It is early, because I need to meet his parents (who are here but don't live with him) before I meet rest of his relatives in his hometown. He seems to be particular about the family stuff, he even fully supports his older brother so that he can obtain all the necessary certificates and move here.

 

No, I honestly don't think that thing with that girl could lead to marriage or relationship. I was worried about this girl from the month we started dating, so he understands that I "know where to look". Like, he leaves his phone with me and I use his ipad and I have opportunity to read anything I want really.

[canadianparrot]

So just in case anyone is curious about how this has turned out (lol)

 

Yes they did meet around four times, 1-on-1, one time he even went over to her place to eat.. So yeah that was terrible and I do feel awful still. However, they spoke only a couple of times and very briefly and dryly since the holiday was over, and then they stopped talking completely. My boyfriend deleted her from Skype (they are still friends on facebook tho).

And the truth is, they actually were friends with benefits before me and him started going out. As in, she was flirting with him and keeping him company while he had no romantic relationship for more than 4 years. He needed her that way. They met every year in his hometown (she went there on vacation every summer stayed with her friend), and they even met in Dubai, well he went there to visit his friend and she is very willing to follow him everywhere (we knew each other by then, sigh. Didn't date though). And they stayed friends after he got into the relationship with me although i could sense something weird in their texts. She got possessive and was trying to piss me off by posting her photos with locations tags on facebook - it was specifically the area where he lives, but I know that she was there only by herself (from their texts). She also tried to make him "like" these pics, i think it was done to provoke me as well. He didn't though, lol. And yeah she is not 16. She is 25 -_-

 

By now, I got to know his parents, we went on a trip to Central America (he paid), and we spend all our free time together. He is really caring and seems to be really into me. We will be living together in the near future. So it is great so far, but i still have paranoia and I still feel really hurt. I hope it will go away.. I am really idealistic and I cannot just let go ughhh