cannot cope with lovely BF's family loss

[Sadkitten]

Hi everyone. I would be really grateful for some advice/ support.

I have been with my BF one year exactly, really a very good relationship, never ever I have been as happy before. Used to feel grateful every moment for it after a very bad break up two years ago after a very long relationship.

Last week his brother suddenly passed away. He was my age (43) and had two kids.

I felt really sad for this, and starting now to feel depressed about it, starting to feel under a gloomy cloud, awaiting bad news every moment. I also feel lonely, understandably my BF is spending all his time with his family, which I encourage wholeheartedly, I have tried to make him feel all my support. Only that I feel I need support myself and can't tell him, I feel that I don't have any right to feel like this. I also feel that everything is going to change now between me and him, dunno how we can be so happy again with this thing that happened. It is like a shadow,

I am really fearful it will bring an end to our happiness. And I am already feeling awful. I cry every night and generally feel down. I can't even bring myself to tell my few friends of this, really struggling to reach out (my family knows but I can't speak with them of how I feel)

I can't sleep at night and I feel really lonely.

Thanks for your help or advice if you have.

[abitbroken]

I would seek counseling for this. You can't expect your boyfriend to give you support - his brother died, he has children he may now need to have a hand in caring for along with other family members - maybe the thought of someone your age dying is hitting home more than actual grief over losing the brother if you hadn't known him that long. Please get counseling to have someone to talk to about this.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to make this about you. Let him grieve and put your need for it to be like everything's back to normal aside. If his grieving freaks you out to this extent because you are lonely while he attends to his own and his family's feelings how do you expect to handle other things in the relationship?

I also feel lonely, understandably my BF is spending all his time with his family, which I encourage wholeheartedly, I have tried to make him feel all my support. Only that I feel I need support myself and can't tell him

[abitbroken]

Try not to make this about you. Let him grieve and put your need for it to be like everything's back to normal aside. If his grieving freaks you out to this extent because you are lonely while he attends to his own and his family's feelings how do you expect to handle other things in the relationship?

 

Agree. If you are falling apart now, what will happen if one of your siblings or parents die, or you are married to him and a relative dies, so therefore you are closer to that person than you are to his brother? I think that getting involved with spending time with female friends and your family will help you not be so dependent on needing comfort from him. He can only give what he can give at the moment and your feelings about it take a back seat.

[j.man]

Honestly... this is a little concerning. I could understand if you'd been with his family for years, but you've been with your boyfriend just one year. How close could you have possibly gotten to his brother? I can understand how some have more of an empathetic soul, but this sounds like a lot of people I've experienced who simply can't bear to have their own sorrows outdone, so they appropriate those of others. I think it's one thing to feel exhaustion from helping a partner who's struggling with a hardship, but this sounds like a completely different thing.

 

I'll echo the suggestion to seek therapy. Your boyfriend isn't going to be able to provide the support you desire.