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Three weeks since I was dumped- confused


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I was with my boyfriend for 14 months, we had a pretty quick and serious start to things- within a few months I had taken a new job and was staying with him for a while , we both have ongoing issues with anxiety and sadly I was not able to continue the job , I sought help from therapy and started getting better, I also got my old job back and started making more money again.

At Christmas last year he got very drunk and called me useless for being a recovering alcoholic and that my problems were nothing compared to his and I was pathetic, we got over this eventually and then in January he kept saying he deserved better than me. We worked on this for a few months and things were better for the most part- he was drinking more and still sometimes would have a go at me, I made allowances due to his mental health and his demanding job.

Then in June we had a row and agreed not to see each other for a few weeks , whilst he completed a serious work project. We talked every day on the phone and seemed to be doing well- he then said 3 weeks ago today that it was over and he could not continue- I asked for another chance and got turned down , I then did it again via e mail, eventually we contacted each other and he returned my stuff, he couldn't wait to get away.

He said in reply to my e mail that his feelings had dwindled for me and that he was drinking more because of me and that it was not fair on me to continue. I have been all over the place recently with my emotions- I miss him a lot and we did have a lot of good times as well although he would insult me a lot - I have not covered all of it, I do have anxiety and re-assurance issues though and this was difficult.

I have not contacted him in a week when I said I would post some paperwork of his, he removed me on face-book, and I have seen a profile on a dating site of his- I have not looked at it and I will not - I joined the site more for chat and was surprised to see him on there - I am a gay man living in a small town so was just looking for people to chat with.

The issue is that I am still in love with my ex- I am feeling better about myself and not contacting him but I am scared that he will meet somebody else- I keep thinking if we dated casually and built back up- I must sound silly.

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Dating and building back up never works in relationships. This is not like rebuilding a house that got knocked over, what you describe is a demotion. It only makes sense if you had both been long out of each other's lives and then met years later. And then the smart thing to do is start new with dating then getting serious.


But in relationships that just have broken up? I have never seen that work out. It usually ends with one partner using the other partner until they find someone else then they can back out using the excuse, "Well, we're not in a relationship, so sorry but this wasn't serious."


I know hope like that is one of the stages to go through, bargaining, but it's unrealistic. Stay NC and stay focused on yourself and your own life. IF he were to come back he really needs to do that fully and with a full commitment to being in the relationship again and making it work.


Anything else and it's like you're accepting a volunteer position at the place you used to work, because they tell you they can't afford to pay you but maybe some day in the future they could build it back up to a fully paying job again. Meantime you're wasting your efforts on rebuilding your own life and getting everything back on track. And you deserve more.


AA is a great group, they saved my dad's life, and it will help you. And yes, you may want to see a therapist to help you as well. Right now this time should be about you and your healing. And you need to maybe look further into getting help with your own issues rather than tying yourself to someone with his own who only makes things worse for you.

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