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Nearly 6 months post break up. I sent her a letter about 3 months ago (Dumpee)

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  • We were together for nearly 3 years, lived together for 6 months.


She broke up with me about 6 months ago. I feel like a lot of it was due to the fact that she was depressed, not happy with me, her family (support) moved across the country a year before, she wanted me to move with her, I wasn't ready to leave behind my support system (family), things spiraled down real quick. I felt like she was emotionally pulling away from me so she could breakup with me, so she could move across the country.


I recently found out she is moving across the country near her family, and I haven't spoken to her in months. I feel like I want to reach out, and give her some things of hers she left, because my heart wants to, but the way she ended things (moved out via text), really broke me open.


I can thank her for making me more empathetic and understanding to depression, but I know I can't be with someone who is depressed; even though I was in love with her. I hope in time we can be friends and that I can forgive her, because I am still working on forgiving myself.


Anyway, against everyone's opinions on here I did reach out to her (I am the dumpee), she wrote back (I was surprised she did, and didn't expect it), we ran into each other at a mutual friends birthday party, talked a bit. She talked to people about how she thought I was with another ex of mine (not true) thinking she thought that of me really hurt my feelings but I can't make her see my side, if she needs to play the victim or feel like she was wronged to heal, then that is her business.

Here is the letter,


I sent her the letter yesterday and she responded this morning. First, I put my letter that I kind of edited and then I put her response.



I've been pondering what I'd like to say to you for quite some time and now that I've had time to reflect; I'd like to share this with you.


I feel that the biggest risk is not taking a risk at all, and the only strategy guaranteed to fail is not to take one.


This letter isn't meant to absolve any guilt I feel for the way I treated you and I'm sending this because I know my actions hurt you, and you deserve an apology; It isn't meant to be manipulative and change your mind/heart about anything, believe me, I've thought about that too and if it was, I wouldn't send this. One of the ways I know how to heal is to acknowledge the pain, feel through it, take ownership of my destructive actions, and confess to those that suffered as a result of my behavior.


This letter is meant to express to you my truth. This time apart has helped me realize that anytime I ever seemed upset, judgmental, or unsatisfied with you, I was only feeling those things with myself. I am truly sorry for any pain that you felt as a result.


I was unintentionally killing myself and our relationship through prescribed medication. I can't place all fault on this, but it was one of the root problems. It wasn't intended to happen like that, what started from an injury turned into an addiction. I had become numb to reality, and to the real problems we were facing both personally and together. I was unable to validate your feelings because I couldn't feel my own. These days I take only one medication and it's been helping me to think and feel with clarity. I wanted to thank you for helping to save my life, for that and for you, I will always be grateful.


I don't know where you are in your healing process and it's one of the reasons I was hesitant to send this. The last thing I want is to cause more pain. Your silence or reply are both valid and I respect either.






Her Response:


"Thank you for your letter. I can feel how genuinely you mean what you say.


To be honest, I forgave you in my heart a couple weeks ago. I've also spent a lot of time reflecting over our relationship -- the beautiful moments and the moments that broke my heart -- and I've come to accept that we share responsibility for the way we treated each other. I realize that many of the grudges that I held were not entirely your fault, but mine as well because I chose to participate in the destructive patterns that we developed.


A side of me came out towards the end that I didn't respect or know. I'm sorry for any hurt or pain that I've caused you. I'm so glad that you have recognized what you have shared with me regarding your pain management, and I'm proud that you've tempered your treatment.


Part of what hurt me the most was that your actions didn't line up with the person I fell in love with, and that was disorienting and confusing and felt like a betrayal, which is why I acted the way I did in turn. This time apart has opened my eyes to accept your truths; that you were in pain.


I hope that after more time has passed and we continue to grow and heal as individuals, we can reconnect and have a friendship. You were such an enormous part of my life, and our friendship is what I miss the most. I'm not at that point yet in my healing process, but I am relieved that these next steps will be smoother since we've exchanged these words.


I truly wish you all the best."



I really miss her, just her companionship, like everyone here my heart was truly broken and I realize hers was broken like mine prior to the breakup and I am feeling the pain she was feeling prior to the breakup. Time is weird.


I have dated, I am dating, I'm doing great in my career. But I really lost a best-friend (through their own choosing) and at times I feel a deep sense of sorrow, one I've never felt before (I am 30, I have gone through 3 long-term relationship breakups).



To anyone out there going through a fresh breakup, things will get better, the hurt will be there, but there will be many good memories to look forward to that haven't happened yet. I'm not sure where my story ends, or where a new one begins and I feel like I'm in the heart of it and don't have enough perspective yet to truly reflect on it.


I've learned a lot these past 6 months and I've gone through the breakup, a major surgery, my dog of 14 years dying, my car breaking down, funerals, etc. I've gone through all of these things without her and I know I can get through anything without a lover or a partner. My support system has been more than helpful and have let me lean on them when I can. I have a therapist, a doctor, and I feel like generally things are ok.


I just want everyone to known you're not alone, feel what you are feeling, but don't get stuck there, never get stuck there. I go back and cry, but I move on with my day. It was a part of me, it left a scar; this scar tissue is stronger, more durable than the original flesh ever was--to boot I have a wonderfully bittersweet story to accompany it.


"Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent...but detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it...you're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief...but by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your heart even, you experience them fully and completely. you know what pain is. You know what love is. "All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment." --Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

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It's nice to see a somewhat happy ending. A lot of us don't get the respect we deserve from our ex's, many treating the other like dirt.


I'm glad you got some form of closure. Break-ups are difficult and emotions run wild, so it's nice to know after some time apart you were able to talk and settle on things. Maybe a friendship will happen, maybe it won't; it shouldn't matter, as by that time you will have healed and hopefully have become indifferent.


I wish you all the best.

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Excellent it sounds like you both found closure and made peace. Good you are doing so well now.

I have dated, I am dating, I'm doing great in my career. My support system has been more than helpful and have let me lean on them when I can. I have a therapist, a doctor, and I feel like generally things are ok.
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