Feeling inadequate and rejected

[blueflames]

So, for the past two months, I was "dating" a guy I met on an online dating website. We hung out together and yes, we slept together too. Last night I finally asked him where he saw this going, if anywhere. Maybe it was too early to ask, but at the same time, I needed to know. He essentially told me that while he was having fun spending time with me, he did not think he was ready to commit to anything long-term. I said okay that's fine, but was he open to any possibility of that at ALL down the road with me, because if not, I needed to know. He said well, I've been enjoying spending time with you and I'm having fun, but I don't feel that "spark."

 

Now, I know this was only a two-month fling or whatever you want to call it, but even still, this made me feel very inadequate and rejected.

 

I should add that it's not really just about this guy (and it's not his fault if he doesn't feel a connection with me, I know). But a few years ago my boyfriend of six years broke up with me in quite a cruel way, and all the feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy I felt after that break-up came bubbling back. I spent a long time getting over him and finally got the courage to try dating again, and now this happens.

 

Essentially I am feeling unloveable at this point and thinking I will never meet a man who wants to stay with me and eventually make me his wife.

 

I am in my mid-twenties so I know that is still relatively young, but seemingly all of my female friends are engaged, married, or at the least, in long-term relationships, yet no man wants to have anything to do with me other than essentially use me for sex.

 

I don't even know really what I am asking here. I guess I just wanted to vent.

[nutbrownhare]

I am in my mid-twenties so I know that is still relatively young, but seemingly all of my female friends are engaged, married, or at the least, in long-term relationships, yet no man wants to have anything to do with me other than essentially use me for sex.

 

I don't even know really what I am asking here. I guess I just wanted to vent.

 

Awwww... you're still really young... the grandfather of one of my partners turned up for a family gathering with his new girlfriend - and those two were 85 if they were a day!

 

But I think there are two issues at work here; firstly, your self-esteem seems to have been really shattered by your previous breakup, and you attached far more importance to your potential new relationship than it really warranted (within my experience it usually takes about three months before you know you've GOT a relationship, and two years before you know whether you've got a keeper, so there's no need to rush!) Sleeping with someone usually engenders an emotional connection for women, and it sounds as though you had sex before you had enough information to know whether he wanted a relationship with you or not. The other thing is that holding back when you're uncertain eliminates all the players immediately. It's not true that all men will want to use you for sex, but you won't know which ones if you fall into bed too soon.

 

Secondly, the fact that all your female friends are happily attached seems to be rubbing salt into the wound. Don't let yourself be defined by others' lives; you are you and they are them, and it's no reflection on you. Some of their relationships will last, some won't. It's still no reflection on you.

 

Your crucial task now, though, is to work on YOU. You're not tied by a relationship, so now's the time to do things which would be more difficult later on... travel, study, start a new hobby... whatever works for you. Take care of yourself in the same way you would someone you really love. If you can really built your self-esteem, self-love and self-regard, whether or not a dating buddy wants something long term after two months really won't enter the equation - I promise you!

 

(((HUGS)))

[SherrySher]

Well, I know this might sound old fashioned, but if you sleep with men right away they don't seem to want more with you after that. Hold off on the sex and let a man get to truly know you and appreciate you for you. I am sure you have so much to offer a man, more than just sex. Make sure the next man wants to properly date you and isn't just interested in bedding you straight away. You will get much different results. Love is about the head and not the sex. Become good friends first, get close to him heart wise and let him fall properly in love with you so that when you do share intimacy, there is a "spark". It takes time and a man who is willing to make the efforts for you.

[SherrySher]

Beautifully said nutbrownhare

[Wiseman2]

2 mos in and intimacy is a fine time to pose this question. Unfortunately you'll meet people who want casual but that doesn't mean you can't have sex or they are using you for sex. It's a lot of hit-or-miss, don't get discouraged and don't be shy about your intentions.

he was having fun spending time with me, he did not think he was ready to commit to anything long-term.

[greta96]

"Essentially I am feeling unloveable at this point and thinking I will never meet a man who wants to stay with me and eventually make me his wife."

 

This will be the case for as long as you keep doing things the way you did with this guy. If you want a relationship, let alone marriage, you need to take your time and go through the stages of dating without skipping straight to sex.

Natural progression of things: meet guy -> hang out doing fun stuff (fun =/= sex!!!) -> get to know each other over the course of at least a few weeks -> discuss goals, make sure you are on the same page -> discuss exclusivity/commitment -> sex and everything else. As you can see, you started with the ending without first making sure you two even wanted the same things.

 

I don't think you can say he used you for sex, he only took what you willingly gave. If you wanted to prevent this from happening, you should have asked your questions *before* the sex, not after. Don't tell me you didn't because it was too soon, because that's BS. If it's not too soon to have his penis inside you, it was definitely not too soon to ask pertinent questions. You and only you are responsible for protecting yourself from being 'used', nobody will do it for you. Let this be a learning experience, and next time you meet a guy exercise patience, caution and be smart about it. You are not unlovable at all, you just keep making some bad decisions and rushing into things.

Once you change this, you'll meet the type of guy you want, just like your friends.

[blueflames]

First of all, thank you so much for all your replies.

 

It seems most of you think I jumped into having sex with him too soon. And you're probably right. The thing is, I also asked some of my female friends that, and they all were like "Nooooo, it's completely normal in this day and age to have sex with a guy early." One of them said she had gotten into LTRs with guys after just hooking up with them first.

 

I guess it sort of seems like a catch-22 to me, because if I go on several dates with a guy and DON'T have sex with him, I am afraid he will lose interest if he thinks he's not going to get any action, so to speak. But if I DO jump into bed with him early, then he won't have any incentive to make any sort of longer term commitment, as you all have pointed out. Maybe I just haven't been meeting the right guys; I don't know.

[Wiseman2]

I would agree with this. Early sex and LTRs are not mutually exclusive.

Maybe I just haven't been meeting the right guys; I don't know.

[nutbrownhare]

I guess it sort of seems like a catch-22 to me, because if I go on several dates with a guy and DON'T have sex with him, I am afraid he will lose interest if he thinks he's not going to get any action, so to speak. But if I DO jump into bed with him early, then he won't have any incentive to make any sort of longer term commitment, as you all have pointed out. Maybe I just haven't been meeting the right guys; I don't know.

 

If a guy really likes you as a person, he'll respect you enough to wait. Trust me on this one! Sure, there are long term relationships which start with sex taking place very early in the relationship - but given that you're quite fragile right now, and likely to take it personally and feel used if nothing develops, it makes sense for you to wait until you have more trust in the relationship. When dating, the vast majority of people you meet aren't going to be compatible enough for short-term relationships - though you might have a few fun evenings out! - let alone long term ones, so relax and revel in the company of Mr Wrongs. Until you realise mutually that there's more to it than that!

[DancingFool]

If a guy loses interest in you because you won't jump into bed with him before you even know him, he was never interested in more than getting laid anyway. If you think that all you have to offer to a guy to keep his attention is sex.....you will end up in horrible relationships where you are being used and discarded and YOU are setting yourself up for that exclusively.

 

As for your friends....well....first they are not you, so what they can and cannot do is really kind of irrelevant. The whole in this day and age....yup IF YOU can handle, which you in particular cannot. There are women who don't get all emotional and attached to the guy just because they slept with him and they are just as sexually driven as a sexually driven guy. So sure, they can have sex on date one and not care at all if they never see the guy again. It was all good and fine and yes, in this day and age, we are not supposed to judge and label these women as sl ts. That is correct. However, if you are not that kind of a person and emotions get involved, then don't do that to yourself. It's as simple as that.

 

Bottom line is you can't have a partner that you want if you don't have the courage to weed out all the chaff quickly and ruthlessly. Next time you start to worry if you are pleasing him, stop and ask yourself does he actually please you?

[greta96]

 

It seems most of you think I jumped into having sex with him too soon. And you're probably right. The thing is, I also asked some of my female friends that, and they all were like "Nooooo, it's completely normal in this day and age to have sex with a guy early." One of them said she had gotten into LTRs with guys after just hooking up with them first.

 

I guess it sort of seems like a catch-22 to me, because if I go on several dates with a guy and DON'T have sex with him, I am afraid he will lose interest if he thinks he's not going to get any action, so to speak. But if I DO jump into bed with him early, then he won't have any incentive to make any sort of longer term commitment, as you all have pointed out. Maybe I just haven't been meeting the right guys; I don't know.

 

Your friends are wrong. Even "in this day and age" getting to know someone before having sex with them is a very smart thing to do, because it's the only way you can attempt to cut down on the amount of situations like the one you're facing right now. Just because they scored LTRs after hooking up with dudes doesn't mean everybody will have the same experience, in fact they were the exception not the rule. So since they don't seem to be all that reliable when it comes to relationship advice, I suggest you stop asking for their opinion when it comes to stuff like this.

And, it's not even about having sex with him too early, the issue is that you had sex *before* establishing what you two wanted from one another, what your expectations were, so that there were no surprises. Would you have had sex with him if he was honest and told you he just wanted sex? Probably not. Or if you did, at least you knew what you were getting yourself into and saved yourself the pain you're feeling now. First comes the conversation, then the sex, not the other way around. This is a golden rule you have to always remember.

 

There is no catch 22. If a guy loses interest in you because you're not putting out quickly, do you really want him? It means he wasn't into you to begin with, so as soon as he got bored with the sex he would have been on his merry way to find yet another vagina. I can't believe this is something you find appealing. As another poster said before, the right guy, the guy you want to have in your life for the long run, will wait, and he will even be happy that you are the way you are, that you have values and that you don't jump in bed with any Joe Schmoe. Guys who only want casual sex will go away, yes, but that's a good thing, because they are not someone you should aim to be with anyway. The sooner they go away, the better. Be selective Blueflames! If you respect and value yourself, others will follow suit. If you don't....well, you saw what happens.

[SherrySher]

also asked some of my female friends that, and they all were like "Nooooo, it's completely normal in this day and age to have sex with a guy early."

 

So not true, and what a sad commentary on todays society if it is. Each generation has had things told to them to be "the truth" even back when I was a teenager I remember girls telling me it made you more attractive and it was the popular thing to do...sleep with the boys right away...it's pure nonsense. It does not make you anything and as for everyone does this now..again..stupidity. Don't be a sheep.

Go at the pace you feel comfortable with...and boys and men are still the same as they were the generation before, if they really like you, they don't mind waiting for sex and will want to get to know you, heck, they'll even be excited to get to know everything about you..and they won't be pushing you towards the bed.

[blope]

So, for the past two months, I was "dating" a guy I met on an online dating website. We hung out together and yes, we slept together too. Last night I finally asked him where he saw this going, if anywhere. Maybe it was too early to ask, but at the same time, I needed to know. He essentially told me that while he was having fun spending time with me, he did not think he was ready to commit to anything long-term. I said okay that's fine, but was he open to any possibility of that at ALL down the road with me, because if not, I needed to know. He said well, I've been enjoying spending time with you and I'm having fun, but I don't feel that "spark."

 

Now, I know this was only a two-month fling or whatever you want to call it, but even still, this made me feel very inadequate and rejected.

 

I should add that it's not really just about this guy (and it's not his fault if he doesn't feel a connection with me, I know). But a few years ago my boyfriend of six years broke up with me in quite a cruel way, and all the feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy I felt after that break-up came bubbling back. I spent a long time getting over him and finally got the courage to try dating again, and now this happens.

 

Essentially I am feeling unloveable at this point and thinking I will never meet a man who wants to stay with me and eventually make me his wife.

 

I am in my mid-twenties so I know that is still relatively young, but seemingly all of my female friends are engaged, married, or at the least, in long-term relationships, yet no man wants to have anything to do with me other than essentially use me for sex.

 

I don't even know really what I am asking here. I guess I just wanted to vent.

 

I'm 39 and have yet to have anyone even accept a date with me. There's plenty of guys and it's usually guys left in the cold