.

[lazzara87]

Deleted - forgot why I stopped using these forums. No one is willing to offer sensible advice, everyone just wants to be negative.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds more like dating or last minute hook-ups than a relationship if it is open-ended in a 'see how it goes' agreement. Are you exclusive? Is he multidating? He is most likely getting a better offer somewhere and cancelling.

 

It sounds like he was crystal clear about wanting to be single, not tied down. However the chronic cancellations are rude and do not respect your time. Is he worth all this uncertainty and rudeness?

 

If you would actually prefer a relationship, why not date someone else who does not come with a 'I want to be single' disclaimer?

he’s said he doesn’t want a relationship. So although he doesn't want a 'relationship' we are kinda in one.he is really really flaky. He almost always cancels plans or changes them at the last minute.

[j.man]

I suffer from depression and anxiety so in general I need a lot more reassurance and support than most people and because of this I end up viewing many things in this situation as negative and I don’t feel able to objectively judge whether they are or not.

Well I don't think you're doing yourself much good investing in a guy who can't commit himself to a relationship, let alone a dinner date. Please stop regarding this as a "relationship." Not having to be there for you when you need it and being able to flake with limited consequence are probably among the biggest motivations for him not wanting to commit. That's not going to change.

 

Are you being treated psychologically and/or medically for your depression and anxiety?

[kathy679]

even if you want to take things slowly and eventually start a relationship i would end it if he doesn't want the same because it sounds like he wants the benefits of a relationship here with out the labels, so find out if he's willing to work towards a relationship.

 

If he is flaky and cancels on you all of the time then he is unreliable anyway and not worth your time.

[lazzara87]

It sounds more like dating or last minute hook-ups than a relationship if it is open-ended in a 'see how it goes' agreement. Are you exclusive? Is he multidating? He is most likely getting a better offer somewhere and cancelling.

 

It sounds like he was crystal clear about wanting to be single, not tied down. However the chronic cancellations are rude and do not respect your time. Is he worth all this uncertainty and rudeness?

 

We agreed that we were exclusive and he's told me he was planning on deleting his tinder. We speak to each other most nights and I really wouldn't have thought he'd be texting me if he was on dates with other girls. I think it's more the word relationship & girlfriend that scare him. Most of the relationshippy stuff has come from him - he talks about the future, he's introduced me to all of his friends and he called me his girlfriend when he's been drunk (infact I had a pocket call from him over the weekend where he referred to me as 'his girl'). It's hard to give a clear picture of things in a short post I suppose. He's since told me it's not even that he wants to be single... I think he just doesn't want to end up living with someone and having to plan his whole life around them - which is definitely not what I'm looking for either!!

 

The cancellations are a problem, but can I blame him if he has a demanding & tiring job?? I don't know whether I'm being oversensitive or if this is really an issue. I have no way of seeing it from a rational perspective.

[Wiseman2]

When was he 'planning on' doing that? If you can handle a player great, but if you want a real relationship why are you hanging onto this grasping at straws to hope and wish it's a relationship? Why is he cancelling on you rather than all the others hes 'trying to please"? Is he hoping this impresses you or that you are desperate enough to tolerate being treated like booty call?

he's told me he was planning on deleting his tinder.

[lazzara87]

Thanks for your replies. I think, once again I have created a really negative picture of this situation. I wouldn't expect him to commit to a relationship after 2 months, we're still getting to know each other and I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship with him. He has been there for me at times, he just wasn't at the beginning of the week.

 

It feels like much more than just hook-ups, I've met his friends on several occasions and we go for days out on cycles and walks together. We've talked extensively about the situation and agreed that it's best for both of us to take it slow. I don't really doubt his comittment to me in that sense.

 

The problem is really that I am unable to focus on any of the positive stuff (clearly as this post and your responses have shown me!), there is SO much good in this situation and his flakiness appears to be more down to his tiring demanding job and that he tries to please everyone all the time by always saying yes to plans and double booking himself. I just don't know if my negative perception is turning something good into something bad or if I'm really just deluding myself.

 

j.man - I am seeing a counsellor and I will be going back to my GP soon about my mental health.

[greta96]

Lately I have been scratching my head trying to figure out what has changed with women, and why. Why are women trying to talk themselves out of what they really want, and to convince themselves that they are ok with things that are really not ok, why are they telling themselves that they don't want or need things they actually do want and need, just to keep a guy?

 

Looking around this forum, most posts written by women sound like yours. Everything is great, we are having amazing sex (as if it takes some kind of miracle for 2 people to have good sex!), BUT he doesn't want a relationship, nor is he treating me all that great. Then they try to convince themselves that they don't want a relationship either, even though it is painfully obvious from their posts that they do want a relationship and are feeling uncomfortable with the way things are.

 

Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

What is this guy offering you, other than his penis? Just re-read what you wrote "The problem is, he is really really flaky. He almost always cancels plans or changes them at the last minute. ... I’m in constant fear that every plan we make will change at the last minute and it’s really starting to affect my enjoyment of the situation. As well as this, he’s sometimes not that good at being there for me when I need him"[/b].

 

You are asking if we have this type of relationship problems, but you are forgetting one important detail: you are not in a relationship! You are just sleeping with a guy who is flakey and who doesn't see you as long term potential, and is just dangling the carrot of "we'll see what happens" under your nose to keep you hooked until he meets a girl he does see long term potential with. Are you really ok with being a filler, a "miss right now"? It doesn't sound like it.

You say you suffer from depression. Well, if you continue this arrangement things will only get worse, and with good reason. We need partners who value us for us, for our personalities, minds, hearts, it's human nature. What you have is someone who only values you for your vagina, of course it's depressing!

 

So to answer your question, it's not him, he's been honest with you from the beginning. It's you, because you are settling for so little when you know very well you want and need more than that.

 

PS - I can't think of a bigger slap in the face than having a guy I have sex with tell me he wants to be single.

[lazzara87]

I really don't think I've said anything that's implied he's a player? He barely has the time to date one girl, I doubt he would be dating two?? I have no evidence at all to suggest he is dating anyone else and that's not something I'm worried about.

[greta96]

The cancellations are a problem, but can I blame him if he has a demanding & tiring job??.

 

Is your time not valuable to you?

[j.man]

I really don't think I've said anything that's implied he's a player? He barely has the time to date one girl, I doubt he would be dating two?? I have no evidence at all to suggest he is dating anyone else and that's not something I'm worried about.

It's not that he's not allowed to have a limited schedule. It's about not making plans you can't commit to. If that means making fewer plans, so be it.

 

He doesn't want a relationship because relationships come with responsibility. It's a very explicit reason he's avoiding that term. He doesn't have to just be in it for the hook-ups, either. Plenty of non-relationships include more than the dude coming in, bending the woman over, and dropping the condom in the trash on his way out the door. A lot of women have this misconception that a passionless sex-fiends are the only ones looking for non-committal fun.

[nutbrownhare]

There is a fundamental incompatibility here, in that you want and need someone who's really reliable - and he can't possibly be that guy. The reasons for this are irrelevant - whether it's his demanding job or any other aspect of his social life.

 

So you have choices. You can either continue in this relationship, knowing that you will repeatedly be flaked on, and come to terms with it. You can continue in this relationship, but make sure you have a back-up plan so that if he DOES let you down, you won't be left dangling.

 

OR... you can find someone who is positively looking for a relationship, is prepared to put in the work to make it happen, and acts like they mean it.

 

I know which I'd do.

 

Incidentally, you may find this link interesting

[HeartGoesOn]

Thread closed.