Perpetually sad SO, advice?

[outofleft]

Does anyone have any advice for dealing with a partner who can't/won't talk about their emotional needs/wants?

 

First some background on them. We've been together 6 months. We're currently living together with their parents (who are lovely) but in a month we'll be living separately while they go to school and I work. My SO deals with bulimia (they haven't purged in years but it's still something they deal with). I'm fairly certain they're also mildly depressed or have anxiety, perhaps both. They've started seeing a therapist recently. So that's some background on what they're dealing with.

 

Basically, they get really down, a lot. This started maybe two months ago. This is not the issue itself, but that they won't/can't tell me anything about it. They're really bad at communication in general, because they say they don't know how to articulate their emotions or feelings. Whenever we have "fights" or serious discussions about our relationship, it's always just me venting about what's been frustrating me, and they just sit there silently. Even when I ask them direct questions ("What's upsetting you? How can I be better? What might make you feel better? What do you want me to do?) they just shrug or say "i don't know." Very occasionally I'll get an obvious response like "when you said I was impossible to be around it hurt my feelings," but is it wrong of me to ask for emotional communication at a level higher than that? And then they'll say things like "I'm sorry I made you feel bad, I'm sorry I'm so difficult to be around, I'm so frustrated at myself" which I'm sure is true. But it's so frustrating to hear it become all about them again and nothing about us or what I can do.

 

So what happens is they just mope around and look sad and shrug all the time, and nothing that I can do makes it better. Occasionally they'll be upbeat and pleasant, but they'll turn down again at the drop of the hat. I remember one day they got sad several times. That day they actually told me what was making them upset: first their shower routine was interrupted because we didn't have conditioner. Then their family asked if they wanted to go to some touristy thing (they already had plans and the thought of changing them was upsetting).

 

At this point I feel like I'm just venting. But it's just so frustrating. They're somewhere on the spectrum of very sad to "bleh" about 60-70% of the time. They're pleasantly happy or conversational maybe 30% of the time. I can't just leave them alone when they're feeling bad because that makes it worse, and then I feel guilty. But it's so emotionally exhausting being around someone like that all the time without being able to help in any way, especially when I need to get things done, run errands, send emails, but I feel like I have to be with them trying to make them feel better. It's especially hard since I can't really lean on them when I'm sad or down, because they'll just get sad too. So I HAVE to be actively happy all the time, so at least one of us is.

 

Does ANYONE have ANY advice? I feel like I'm on my last legs. They say they worry I'll leave them because of their issues, and I don't want to, but I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this emotional burden.

[shellyf62]

Why have you moved in with this person so soon? You have only been dating 6 months.

Also, it has only been 6 months, so it should be the honeymoon period when everything is fun & exciting & new.

I would leave this person. I couldnt handle the thought of my life revolving around this person & their moods.

[jujusamples]

Are you in a relationship with multiple people? You keep referring to your bf/gf with them and they? I would like to give you some insight but it's hard because I'm a little confused on how many people you are in the relationship with.

[Hollyj]

Are you in a relationship with multiple people? You keep referring to your bf/gf with them and they? I would like to give you some insight but it's hard because I'm a little confused on how many people you are in the relationship with.

 

Very confusing read. What happened to he or she!

[outofleft]

Sorry, didn't mean to seem defensive, the first guy's post set me up to read further posts as judgmental.

 

That being said, I think it's fairly obvious I'm referring to a single person. I said I had "a partner" in the first sentence and referred to them in many ways that would only make sense as referring to one person: "their family," "their shower routine," "they are depressed," unless you thought me dating two depressed twins who shower together was more plausible than me referring to my partner with a neutral pronoun. Again, not trying to seem defensive.

 

So on to the actual topic, what defines a honeymoon stage? How does one know if the honeymoon stage is just ending, or legitimate issues are coming up that ought to be dealt with separately from the timeline of the relationship? And might they not be intertwined?

[jujusamples]

@OP, thanks for clarification. To answer your question; honeymoon stage is the excitement of a relationship, it's when everything is all rosy and peachy. You just want to be with each other all the times, the butterflies in your stomach. It does stretch on until you fully get to know each other. Until you get to the power struggle stage. When you start arguing and fighting lots.

 

I just went back and re-read your post with an open mind. It seems to me that you never really had a long honeymoon stage. The relationship you had with your SO moved way to quickly. You never taken the time to enjoy the honeymoon stage. I believe that's why you thought it should only last 2 months at the most.

That being said, I think you are doing and putting too much into this relationship. Is your SO getting help for his/her issues? If your partner is not getting help or doing anything to better his or herself, I say, you need to put a pause on this relationship. I know it's difficult to deal with someone with depression/anxiety or other mental health issues. You will only be able to take it for so long until you built up resentment and it's just going to go in a downward spiral.

 

That being said, I think the move will help you two a great deal. I think it will work out for the best to have some space between you two. You are not his/her therapist so you could only do so much to help. Your partner would have to want to help him/herself.

 

I say, give it some space and see how it goes after the move. If things don't change, I'm sorry to say, this relationship is probably not going to work out. Right now it's hard to judge because you two moved in together too soon. Hopefully the space will help sort out some of your concerns. I hope things will workout for you. Good luck.

[Ms Darcy]

Very confusing read. What happened to he or she!

 

Agree. The "they" thing is odd. Is your partner a male or female?

[Ms Darcy]

Six months is way too early to be living with someone you are dating. This was rushed, unfortunately, and now the cracks of living with a stranger are starting to form. My advice would be to move out.

[shellyf62]

I think the OP was trying to describe his/her situation & their bf/gf without giving too much info away to stay completely anonymous.

Not a bad thing sometimes

[chitown9]

OP. i really do not understand why you are even with this person and plan to continue to be with this person. chi

[DaKittensMeow]

So on to the actual topic, what defines a honeymoon stage? How does one know if the honeymoon stage is just ending, or legitimate issues are coming up that ought to be dealt with separately from the timeline of the relationship? And might they not be intertwined?

 

Ok a let me add to this from the perspective of someone who knows depression first hand

Yes the honeymoon phase probably feels like it was only a month or two, but that's the way you define it. In reality it's a spectrum. A month or two of "rose colored glasses" and then several months of healthy, stable happiness. For a depressed person, those extra couple months of happy (but not rose colored glasses happy) times can also be very healing/comfortable. We let our guard down and for someone dealing with mental illness, that was probably a very fragile guard to begin with. One that we are constantly fighting to keep in place. A new relationship just kinda shocks that into crumbling. Whereas most people build little windows in their walls, love for a person with depression can be like setting a lighter on a paper screened house. It all just burns down. And then there's this whole spiral of recalibration that can pretty much make or break the whole relationship.

 

I'm better at communicating through analogies so just roll with me on this... Say you're living in a house and somebody pulls the roof off. But it's the middle of the summer and you're like, "hmm ok, that might not be such a big problem. I kinda like the sun, it feels nice." But then the clouds roll in and then the rain and... You get the idea. Time to batten down the hatches, built a new more solid roof. Winter is coming... Better build an impenetrable roof capable of withstanding an F5 tornado. But now I'm sad because I can't feel the sun anymore. That's pretty much where you're at. Your love is the sun and the conflicts in your relationship are the storms in my analogy. Your partner needs to learn to build a sunroof for you.

 

Now I said make or break because there's a few things you both need to accept:

1) Relationships involving mental illness can be a lot more work, especially in the beginning. But if done properly the bond formed is stronger for it.

 

2) You can't build that sunroof for them but it is easier to get the work done if there's more sun than storms. So as long as they're still trying it's worth it. But that's the hard part. You cant always tell. Going to therapy, keeping up with meds(if needed, not everyone needs them), continuing to try to get through the routine, those things are part of it but not all of it. Sometimes there's clouds you can't see. But as long as this person isn't totally stalled out, it's worth it to keep trying. And it seems like your partner is still trying by seeing a therapist and occasionally communicating to you about their feelings. It's not much but there's something.

 

3) Along the lines of "it's easier to get work done when there's more sun"- is your partner all broody 100% of the time? Is there even a half a percent of even somewhat happy times? Try to focus on the good and amplify it from there. There's a comic that explained it pretty well- hyperbole and a half. At some point something just clicks and then stuff starts to fall into place. It's completely unpredictable and for everyone it happens to a different extent. But at some point some stimuli helps tip the scale in the other direction. No guarantees but you're more likely to find that stimuli if you're not in the middle of a storm. So if things are even moderately peaceful during a specific activity, even something as small as getting ice cream, do that a little more. And then try other things.. Transition from bringing ice cream over to trying new places... Maybe not ice cream but the point is you guys need to find your "thing". Routine can be healing. Ditto for having something to look forward to even if you can't show it.

 

4) You need to take care of your emotional needs as well. It sounds like your living situation forced things to come forward faster and that's overwhelming. Your "storms" probably rolled in stronger and faster than they should have. So try things out in your new, separate living situations. Being around this person while they adjust will be draining so you need to make sure you are taking the time to take care of yourself. Don't spend every waking minute together. Give yourself time to react to things, decompresss. Have activities you do with them, and some without them. A larger support network than your partner is necessary. That's not to say that you shouldn't communicate your feelings to them, definitely do. But it's pretty much a given that this person will always be the one to react more emotionally. You also reacting emotionally will just send both of you to an ugly place.. It pays to have a sounding board to go to before your partner. It's not a permanent fix but doing this will help you understand how this person's brain works and eventually it gets easier to do without a sounding board. And not living together is a good way to start this process because when you're living together you're probably both just flying off the cuff. You can't tiptoe around them forever but it's going to be harder for you both to learn to communicate your feelings to each other. All couples have to do it so in the end it's not that different, just the harder version of it.

 

5) They cannot rely on you 100% for their emotional needs. They also need to have a good support network and activities.

 

For a time, while they deal with the emotional changes of the relationship and you both learn the best ways to communicate, it will probably seem like the world revolves around them. But not forever and if it does get to be that way, that means it's not working. It's not anyone's fault if you two aren't emotionally ready for each other. Don't stick it out just because you feel you have to. It's more emotionally damaging to them to be with someone who feels like s/he has to. Nobody should be trapped.

[TMifune]

outofleft,

 

A particle physicist deals with matter on a microscopic level. _________ literally examine(s) the building blocks of the universe.

 

Traditionally we'd fill in the blank with "He" and it would generally be understood that we're using He because we find it more pleasing than "it" which was for a long time the only gender neutral singular third-person pronoun. Now people tend toward (S)He S/He, She or He, and sometimes They. That's fine. But the example given is about generic situation. It is entirely possible that a physicist selected at random could be male or female (yes, or not identify in the binary, but let's keep this constrained for now).

 

It's perfectly understood that you're using they as a gender-neutral singular third-person pronoun. But your significant other isn't generic. "They" are a unique individual and as such they have a gender identity. So using they as a singular third-person pronoun when referring to a specific person....it just reads strangely. What you're really doing is playing a game with pronouns to obscure the actual nature of your relationship. And you know you're playing that game. It's your choice to get defensive about it, but I wonder if your partner can pick up on the underlying sense of shame that would drive you to do that. It can't be good for the relationship that you're so afraid of being judged for it that you have to hide it's nature from a group of complete strangers on the Internet when you're essentially completely anonymous.

 

Plus it makes it difficult to give all but the most generic advice. Do you think there are no differences between lesbian, gay and heterosexual relationships? They're just cookie-cutter? Drop two women into a relationship and the dynamics would be the same as two men or as one man and one woman?

[SexiLexi]

Hey OP. Here is my advice. If your SO is poor at communicating and articulating their emotions, and you are certain you wish to stay with them, I recommend you go into Sherlock mode. When their sadness peaks, analyse the situation leading up to it. Your SO will appreciate the effort you have gone to in order to gain insight into their issues and you can work on reducing the triggers that cause depressive episodes. Furthermore, in the realm of self improvement, observe what they respond positively to, and negatively to. Even a neutral response can lend insight into what works and what doesn't. This can be a good trust builder also, and they may begin to open up as you grow closer.

[Hollyj]

Hey OP. Here is my advice. If your SO is poor at communicating and articulating their emotions, and you are certain you wish to stay with them, I recommend you go into Sherlock mode. When their sadness peaks, analyse the situation leading up to it. Your SO will appreciate the effort you have gone to in order to gain insight into their issues and you can work on reducing the triggers that cause depressive episodes. Furthermore, in the realm of self improvement, observe what they respond positively to, and negatively to. Even a neutral response can lend insight into what works and what doesn't. This can be a good trust builder also, and they may begin to open up as you grow closer.

 

Sorry, but this approach does not sound too healthy. In fact, it sounds miserable.

 

Perhaps, he should accept that she is not partner material and move on.

[Heather Dawn]

Are you in a relationship with multiple people? You keep referring to your bf/gf with them and they? I would like to give you some insight but it's hard because I'm a little confused on how many people you are in the relationship with.

 

My guess is the partner is transgendered.

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't sounds ready for a relationship and you can't play therapist or cheerleader to someone with this many issues. if you keep overcompensating and over-investing this resentment and burnout will just grow. Try not to be manipulated by all this and end it kindly. Move out of her parents home and stop drowning in this.

I'm not sure how much longer I can handle this emotional burden.