3 years later and I still cant get traction

[wellthereyago]

well here it goes... I posted my situation on here several years back and received some great insight so I guess im back now for some support. basically I was with a woman for 6 years after my divorce and she seemed perfect. she liked the same things I liked, she seemed to live to please me (and I did for her as well), and we worked towards solutions instead of fighting. seemed completely perfect but she left me and a couple weeks later she married another guy. needless to say I was devastated. fast forward 3 years now.

 

3 years have past and I have only run into her a few times in town and of course she turned around and left or one time we were in a line at a dollar store and just said nothing. the problem is not that I want her back but I do want a similar relationship without that is on that level and im afraid that I will never have that again. I have dated a bunch of different women and have been intimate with a several of them but nothing feels right anymore. also I have not been able to find a decent job since all of this happened. I just feel down and hopeless at this point. I don't think I need a woman to complete my life but to be honest being a single parent (my son's mom doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore) and struggling financially I don't feel like I deserve anyone of quality anymore. I feel broken on the inside.

[Wiseman2]

Just keep trying, not everyone will wow you or work out. It's hard. Don't let one thing effect another (I know, easier said than done). Don't beat yourself over things.

I have dated a bunch of different women and have been intimate with a several of them but nothing feels right anymore. also I have not been able to find a decent job since all of this happened.

[Hollyj]

Can you seek therapy?

[Mari]

I feel broken on the inside.

 

I'm just curious, how did she suddenly get married to another guy? Did she know him and did they date before or was it she picked someone off the street and that was it? Also, why didn't you two get married after 6 years? I'm just trying to understand relationships better and this would help me.

 

In terms of helping you, I think you need to accept that you may not find a relationship as good and move on and be happy with what you get. Or, keep trying to find that relationship but set a deadline as to when you're going to lower your standard so that you don't end up being 80 and haven't found that person. Also, you could consider being with someone based on what you can do for them, instead of what they can do for you. Doing it this way will make finding someone a lot easier.

[lostlove76]

also I have not been able to find a decent job since all of this happened. I just feel down and hopeless at this point. I don't think I need a woman to complete my life but to be honest being a single parent (my son's mom doesn't want to have anything to do with him anymore) and struggling financially I don't feel like I deserve anyone of quality anymore. I feel broken on the inside.

 

This stuff won't matter to some women. To some it will, but to a lot it won't. I wouldn't judge a guy based on finances or what job he held, and that wouldn't affect my decision to date him. My ex made comments sometimes like "Why would you love me? I'm just a lowly " I told him it didn't matter to me what he does; it matters who he is. I know that's only part of your perceived problem, but I just wanted to respond to it since you brought it up.

 

Hang in there. I'm feeling similar, feeling like I'll never find anyone else special, so I know how you feel.

[Pinklily]

Maybe we won't find anything as special as what we had with our exes. I know 5 months out of my relationship I can't even bring myself to date again, let alone be attracted to someone. For me, my relationship with my ex was like winning the lottery. I had the love of my life, my wonderful children and my fabulous career. I had everything. You rarely win the lottery twice so I'm no longer "playing" the numbers so to speak.

[eldasensei]

Maybe we won't find anything as special as what we had with our exes. I know 5 months out of my relationship I can't even bring myself to date again, let alone be attracted to someone. For me, my relationship with my ex was like winning the lottery. I had the love of my life, my wonderful children and my fabulous career. I had everything. You rarely win the lottery twice so I'm no longer "playing" the numbers so to speak.

 

You remind yourself of what you don't have. And see her as the lottery where you've put her on a great pedestal.

What you're going trough is normal at this point. Instead of seeing it as losing the lottery you'll become the lottery All in due time. Try to put more focus on yourself.

 

It's your attitude and mindset that will make all the difference not the superficial aspects in your life. But do it for the right reasons, do it for yourself.

[No1]

Sounds to me that you have a lot going on. You have given up, holding on to the past, and you have a confidence problem.

I understand about holding on to the past. They were your most fun moments, your greatests highs and you forgot your lowest lows. Youre holding on to past promises and those little things she would say to you.. Like how happy she was with you and bs like that. You are afriad of letting them go because you are afraid that you will never expirence those feelings again. Its like a kid holding on to a balloon that has already popped. He is dragging this balloon around remembering how great it was but doesnt realize that there are better ones out there. Just have to be willing to let go of this one and look for a better one

You have good memories with your X, but its time to let them go. Time to close that chapter of your life and time to realize that youll make better memories with another girl. But the issue is that you are comparing other girls to your X. If you didnt know already, what you are doing is looking for a replacement. A girl like your X so you can project the love you have for her onto a worthy replacement. You are not looking at girls as individuals but as vessels for the Love you have for your X.

Now for your confidence problem. Whatever it is you dont like about you, then why dont you go ahead and work hard to change it? Dont like how much you are getting paid, look for another job or a second job. How can you expect a girl to take the time and effort to make you happy when you are not willing to take the time or effort to make yourself happy? Truth is you can attract a wonderful lady. You have done it before so what makes you think you cant do it again? When you attracted your X were you depressed? You were confident, happy and thats the guy you have to go out and find again.

No one is going to do this for you. If you do nothing, depression will always find you. You have to work to find happiness. You can do this.. you will be happy again

[wellthereyago]

Thanks for all the feedback and the bad part is that I know all of the stuff that has been suggested is true. I have spent years doing research about how relationships work and what lets them fall apart. I guess knowing all of that and seeing my last relationship fall apart without me even knowing it has really rocked my confidence of having a good one. On the job front believe me when I say I have looked high and low for 3 years now. If I get an interview I am told Im over qualified and they want to hang on to my resume for a different position that's a better fit and of course I never hear back after the follow up emails for a couple of weeks. But with that said I actually went for an interview on Thursday for an entry level position and the guy ended up offering me the manager's job. So Im accepting that job tomorrow and its pretty decent pay for this area and has potential to quickly become a 6 figure income within the next year. On the lady friend front I had a girl message me on facebook a couple of days ago that I didn't really know but turns out I dated her sister in high school. Anyway we have been chatting all week and we are going out next weekend. I don't know that this is the one but I do feel attracted to her which is more than most up to this point.

I cant say everything is going well but looking back at my original post from last week it does seem like im finally able to get a little bit of sunshine now.

I really appreciate all the feedback and this is a great community here for support. I know someone asked how she married someone a couple weeks after the breakup and yes it was someone that worked with her mother. the guy is 15 years older than her and they are still married 3 years later and have a newborn. I know I dodged a bullet with that one and the reason we never got married was because she was very easily manipulated by her mother and wouldn't act like a grown woman. that was always a major problem. the original post is here if you want to read thru the BS

 

 

[Ms Darcy]

You seem a bit depressed actually. I think your first priority is to get a decent job and squared away financially. That will give you a lot more confidence in yourself and help you have a better frame of mind while you date.

 

Life is always about growing and adapting to change.

[chitown9]

Congrats on the management position. That will be a huge shot in the arm for your confidence. Put your thoughts and efforts on this position and everything will fall in place.....even the ladies. And don't forget. I will marry you. It is good to see you back again. Now, just stay with the program and stay active on board. Your input is valuable to the community. chi

[Carus]

lol. Ah Chi* Ur gorgeous..

 

You know this last post was from about a year ago?

 

Carus*