Should I be concerned?

[notsomature]

I have been dating my bf for about 5 months now. When we first started dating, I asked him before when his most recent relationship ended even though I already had an idea from snooping around on social media. He told me it was a little over a year ago with his ex-fiance. I know for a fact, however, that he dated someone else after his ex-fiance and they still are friends on social media. He used to post stuff about her all the time until about a month before we started dating. I know they were more than just friends because he once referred to her as "his lady".

 

Now that I am in a relationship with him. I asked him to add me on FB and he seemed hesitant and said "only if you can find me." I found him and he sounded bummed but added me anyway. He doesn't ever post stuff about me on his social media. Also, we normally communicate via text, we don't ever talk on the phone.

 

Well today I was having breakfast with him at his house and that girl he used to date called him. He sounded excited when he saw who it was and said "I'll call her back later". It kinda bothered me that he got so excited to hear from her because I can't imagine he'd get excited when I call. I wonder sometimes if he even really enjoys talking to me in person because he likes to have his phone out instead of talking to me. So during breakfast I casually brought up my past embarrassing dating experiences to segue into a convo about past dates. I knew she was Korean, so I asked who were all the different kinds of Asian girls he has dated. When he mentioned Korean, I asked how long they dated and how it ended. He said they dated for 6 months and she ended it "maybe because he didn't hangout with her enough." Didn't sound like there was really closure...

 

I'm afraid he might still have feelings for this girl and actually like her a lot more then me. Why else would he not admit he was in a relationship with this girl before he dated me? If she ever showed interest in getting back together with him, I'm afraid my bf would be too easily persuaded. I know if this ends up happening, that I should be thankful because he wasn't the right one for me anyway. Meanwhile, I'd like to know if this is something I should even be concerned about.

 

Side note: He did tell me his ex-fiance dumped him because "she got too jealous and insecure over all of his friends who were girls that he's known for a long time." I'm thinking, there is always two sides to a story so I'm not buying it too easily.

[jujusamples]

hmmm. you've only dated 5 months and you are already feeling insecure with this guy? Doesn't that tell you something? I don't agree to snooping around because this is the classic case of what snooping does to your mind. It could be you are over analyzing this a little bit much?

 

I think if you really can't trust him and have this un-easy feeling, it's best if you just end it. It's not going to get any better the longer you stay with him. Over thinking the situation isn't going to help you either. You should be having fun and enjoying each other's company in the first few months of the relationship. At the same time, you two don't have each other on social media and you have to find him and add him? I don't blame you for feeling insecure in that sense, because I would have been too. I would start to think what does he have to hide? It could be that he's not an active social media person?

 

When you say excited that his so called friend/ex called, could you explain what you mean by excited? To me if he was that excited to talk with her, he could have walked away to another room and answer the call. Instead he said he's just going to call her back later.

[Ms Darcy]

You investigated him like a PI before you started dating him. You're still investigating him. You don't really trust he's into you. For the lack of trust and the lack of feeling desired, I think you should end it. It doesn't sound like the guy is right for you.

[SherrySher]

There isn't a lot of trust here, not that I blame you. He is keeping his ex on the side and is still in contact with her. Who knows what that means, but it does give you reason to have suspicion. Trust your instincts, if this feels wrong, move on. You don't need to be with someone who makes you feel under threat or that he would be happier elsewhere with this other woman.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's rebound hopping. And like not done with this women. It may be best to dump him before you get in too deep, if you are looking for an exclusive relationship.

 

This is a bizarre retort 6606474] "only if you can find me."

[Gary Snyder]

If he meets lady friends and never introduces you to them, that would be a problem.

 

But based on what you said, it's just pure speculation.

[milk45wentout]

I have been dating my bf for about 5 months now. When we first started dating, I asked him before when his most recent relationship ended even though I already had an idea from snooping around on social media. He told me it was a little over a year ago with his ex-fiance. I know for a fact, however, that he dated someone else after his ex-fiance and they still are friends on social media. He used to post stuff about her all the time until about a month before we started dating. I know they were more than just friends because he once referred to her as "his lady".

 

Now that I am in a relationship with him. I asked him to add me on FB and he seemed hesitant and said "only if you can find me." I found him and he sounded bummed but added me anyway. He doesn't ever post stuff about me on his social media. Also, we normally communicate via text, we don't ever talk on the phone.

 

Well today I was having breakfast with him at his house and that girl he used to date called him. He sounded excited when he saw who it was and said "I'll call her back later". It kinda bothered me that he got so excited to hear from her because I can't imagine he'd get excited when I call. I wonder sometimes if he even really enjoys talking to me in person because he likes to have his phone out instead of talking to me. So during breakfast I casually brought up my past embarrassing dating experiences to segue into a convo about past dates. I knew she was Korean, so I asked who were all the different kinds of Asian girls he has dated. When he mentioned Korean, I asked how long they dated and how it ended. He said they dated for 6 months and she ended it "maybe because he didn't hangout with her enough." Didn't sound like there was really closure...

 

I'm afraid he might still have feelings for this girl and actually like her a lot more then me. Why else would he not admit he was in a relationship with this girl before he dated me? If she ever showed interest in getting back together with him, I'm afraid my bf would be too easily persuaded. I know if this ends up happening, that I should be thankful because he wasn't the right one for me anyway. Meanwhile, I'd like to know if this is something I should even be concerned about.

 

Side note: He did tell me his ex-fiance dumped him because "she got too jealous and insecure over all of his friends who were girls that he's known for a long time." I'm thinking, there is always two sides to a story so I'm not buying it too easily.

 

I wouldn't be worried but there is a thing called "respect" and by doing what he is doing he is not showing a great deal towards you. The only real solution here is to talk about your "unease" with the situation. You have to say you trust him but you're not comfortable with it and you'd like to be more prominently know as "his girl' on social media etc.

 

Some guys even when happy in a relationship like to give off the impression they are single because they get some attention which mostly likely they'll never do anything with, they just like it.

 

No need to go nuts here but its ok to make clear you don't mind that he has girlfriends just that you want to be "the" girl and that means making it know you two are together. Comes back to respect.

[notsomature]

Hi, I've read everyone's posts & decided to wait it out before I break up with him. I honestly still have hope for the relationship. I know I haven't been trusting of him and that's my fault. I'm a pessimist because I've been lied to, cheated on, and I've had guys disappear on me several times before. I also tend to overthink. I've tried going to a Meditation Center and giving myself a mantra "If you know nothing, that's better than knowing something and having it be nothing," essentially telling myself not to jump to conclusions & make stuff up with little facts I know. I found peace at the Meditation Center but it comes in waves. The mantra works sometimes. It still doesn't change how he's been acting towards me lately...

 

He hasn't changed his texting habits as much (i.e. simply texting morning and goodnight, nothing in between, except for occasionally how was your day?). I tried to get us to talk on the phone on Thursday but he told me he was about to fall asleep. We didn't get to hangout this weekend, which is fine with me because I've taken up his weekends lately (except for when he's on-call). His responses to my texts lately have been very short & cold. I still invited him to go out with my friends and I on Saturday, but he said "Not tonight babe. I'm planning for my trip to Vegas with my friends." So I simply said "Oh ok. Sounds good." Also, he's taking longer to reply to my texts...

 

On Sunday he just simply didn't text me at all. No good-morning. I thought, that's fine maybe he's busy. I also didn't hear from him for the rest of the day. My step-dad convinced me that if it's bothering me, just text him. So I did around 10, just saying "Is everything ok? I sense something is off, but I could be wrong." He saw that text but didn't respond till this morning with a simple, "morning babe." I just responded "Morning. Happy to hear from you. How are you doing?" He's ignoring me now.

 

Any ideas as to what's going on with my bf? I feel like he's trying to avoid me until I pick up the courage to break up with him. But how am I even supposed to do that if he won't even talk to me?

[Wiseman2]

Agree he's using the 'fade out until she pulls the plug' method to break up. Unfortunately your mantra sounds like 'if I stick my head in the sand it's not real".

 

People who do this like to use the phrases: 'out of the blue' and 'blindsided' a lot.

"If you know nothing, that's better than knowing something and having it be nothing," I feel like he's trying to avoid me until I pick up the courage to break up with him. But how am I even supposed to do that if he won't even talk to me?

[notsomature]

Ironically most of my relationships (which honestly didn't last very long, 3 months tops) ended out of the blue and I never saw it coming...until he suddenly and drastically starts withdrawing or ignoring me.

 

My bf finally did respond 8 hours later. He said he was "Alright, just been tired and a bit stressed." I know he's been having doubts about whether he'll get the house he's been trying to buy. He also works night shifts and lots of on-call. He does have that trip to Vegas in 4 days, I'd imagine he's excited for that and maybe a little stressed too? I don't know. So far he's not been a very good communicator. When we first started dating he did the same withdrawal act & cancelling on plans. I pointed out to him I felt he wasn't interested in dating me anymore. It was after my confession that he quickly informed me that that wasn't the case at all, he has just been feeling unmotivated. This is when his parents were pushing him to buy a house in the beginning.

 

Something tells me it's his lack of communication that has caused several of his past relationships to end. His ex-fiance, he claims, was jealous and insecure of him having a close girl friend. I'm thinking if she was secure in the relationship she wouldn't have those feelings, much less if she was engaged to him. My thought was that maybe he was a poor communicator with her too. Another girl (I'm pretty sure it's Cindy) broke up with him because he didn't hang out with her as much...or so he claims. These all sound like he was a poor communicator to me. He even asked me from the very beginning "Are you sure you wanna date me? Cuz I'm a lot to handle." I don't know if he was joking. He even said to me last Sunday, "You'll get bored of me. Eventually you will."

 

I think he's a self-sabatoger, like me. What do you guys think?

[lostlove76]

He sounds all kinds of shady. Way too many females floating around - the girl who was calling him, and this from his past: He did tell me his ex-fiance dumped him because "she got too jealous and insecure over all of his friends who were girls that he's known for a long time." There was probably a good reason she felt insecure.

 

When he said this: He even asked me from the very beginning "Are you sure you wanna date me? Cuz I'm a lot to handle." I think he was warning you that he's a jerk.

 

When he said this: He even said to me last Sunday, "You'll get bored of me. Eventually you will." I think he's the one who is likely to get bored, and he just turned it around on you.

 

I think it's more than just poor communication. I get the feeling that he's a player and a cheater. Could be wrong, but that would be my guess.

[notsomature]

It was just one girl. It was his childhood best girl friend who is actually his brother's gf's sister. They are close friends, but I guess the ex-fiance got jealous because she was insecure already in the relationship. You're right, there probably was a good reason she felt insecure cause that ex got a lot going on for her (Law school, gorgeous, great friends, seemed like a beautiful soul). Don't know why else she would be insecure if not the fact that my bf is a terrible communicator. They left in a messy breakup apparently, and she's angry at him.

 

I really don't wanna believe he is doing the "slow-fade" but I'm not denying the fact it's a high possibility. He still is doing the whole "ignore your text at night and respond with a short text the next morning" behavior. My step-dad even tells me to beware it's a possibility. He's known a lot of his guy friends that tried to make their exes break up with them first so they didn't have to appear the bad guy.

 

I asked him last night how his weekend went, because he asked me first. He finally responded this morning saying "It was fine. He didn't do much." I just responded several hours later with "That's good. Sounds like a chill weekend!" I'm not going to try to converse with him anymore unless he reaches out to me because I don't want to play his game anymore. I'm keeping my eye out for other fishes in the sea...

[lostlove76]

I hate to ask this, but could he not be replying to your texts at night because he's with someone else? Or even just to make it a habit of not replying, so that it won't raise suspicions when he does get with someone else one night?

 

Otherwise, he's being an arrogant passive-aggressive jerk not to answer. My ex guy used to do the same thing, and I made all kinds of excuses for it.

[notsomature]

I've thought about that. I've thought about every possible case scenario. It's possible. The only girl, of my knowledge, that he's talking to is Cindy. She's from the same city as my bf and I. I know she lives at home with her parents. She's Asian, it's very typical. I'm Asian too, plus she's younger than me by 5 years. My bf also lives home with his parents and it would be weird to bring another girl over after I have been over there several times and see his parents all the time. He goes to the gym real late after work, which is about a 30-40min drive at night. He's a gym rat. We go to the same gym and I know they don't close till midnight. Before when he did text me a lot, he would text me while he's at the gym and he'd usually finish around 11:30-45pm.

 

Yes, he's being "an arrogant passive-aggresive" boy. He's definitlely still a boy. Not a man. He's probably better off with Cindy who just turned 21 this year. With their age difference, it's the typical case of the Senior in High School dating the Freshman. Probably makes him feel more like a man.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm a pessimist because I've been lied to, cheated on, and I've had guys disappear on me several times before. I also tend to overthink.

 

Hi dear. Glad to see your updating this thread.

 

Just think of it this way .... the statement above creates a vicious cycle. It can lead to: I've been lied to, cheated on, and I've had guys disappear on me several times because I'm a pessimist who overthinks.

 

But I'm not sure this relationship is the right one for you to break out of that cycle. Like Wiseman wisely said, he kind of seems like he's fading out. Not much can be done about that.

[Wiseman2]

Good idea. That was a pretty lame text.

He finally responded this morning saying "It was fine. He didn't do much." I'm not going to try to converse with him anymore unless he reaches out to me because I don't want to play his game anymore. I'm keeping my eye out for other fishes in the sea...

[Ms Darcy]

Since you brought it up, is he Asian?

[lostlove76]

I would agree that he's probably doing the fade-out. Which is horrible and cowardly, and it hurts, I know Just looking at his last couple of text responses that you spoke of, he's being very dry and not asking how you are in return, so as not to invite further conversation.

 

I would just go silent on him. No need to give him the guilt-free out of you breaking up with him. After a few days, he might wonder where you went. That would be the perfect opportunity to reply with your own dryness, or just straight up ignore him.

[notsomature]

No, he's Bolivian/Salvadorian. 6'3". Most gorgeous man I ever dated.

[notsomature]

Ugh, this sucks. I think he is doing the fade-out too. It sucks. I think I brought up his ex-gfs too much and probably made my time with him unbearable instead of exciting and all those other feelings you're supposed to be feeling within in the first 5 months. he probably sensed I didn't trust him very much. I definitely didn't put my best foot forward, but then again he did give me lots of reasons for concern throughout those 5 months. I wonder if I really was a rebound. Eh, I don't wanna know. It's too late to change anything now. The damage is done it seems. Funny thing is, he puts on a very good poker face. I never know if something I do or say bothers him & can never tell what he's thinking for sure.

 

He hasn't tried to text me all day. Not surprised.

[Wiseman2]

I agree you may have been a rebound, but you did nothing wrong if you inquired about his situation with that. The first few months is for getting to know someone not 'making it work', so in a way you saved yourself some grief down the line.

he did give me lots of reasons for concern throughout those 5 months. I wonder if I really was a rebound.

[lostlove76]

I know it sucks. Him being so gorgeous doesn't help matters! (I feel the same way about my recent ex).

 

It could be that your gut was sensing that he can't be trusted, and that's why you weren't able to relax enough not to ask about his ex-girlfriends. I'm betting that's what happened. In which case, it's not your fault, because he would have ended up doing the same thing anyhow. If he was totally trustworthy, then yeah, maybe you could "blame" yourself a bit for bringing your insecurities into it (and it's really hard not to, when you have them), but he seems really shady to me. So I think your instincts were correct, and it triggered your anxieties and insecurities, which you then acted out. Not your fault. You just need someone you can trust more.

[notsomature]

So I think I have a problem. I stress too much. I stress about stressing even before there is anything to stress about. So I kind of cause reasons to stress...

 

I finally got my bf to call me. I know I said I wouldn't, but I texted him at his work just a quick "how are you doing?" He responded immediately, and he asked me the same but that convo ended quickly with him just replying "lol". I took the hint so I just texted him saying "If you can, can you call me tonight after work?" So he said he'd call me on the way home from the gym, after work.

 

He got off the gym at midnight and still made the call. When he answered, he sounded normal. I was expecting him to sound "cold" just as his texts appeared to be. Kinda threw me off guard. So I started off convo light. I told him if he wanted to talk about whatever was stressing him out, I can listen because he doesn't have to go through it alone. He thanked me and said that he usually just deals with it on his own. So that was that. But I finally brought up what was bothering me earlier the last week (the girl calling, him having his phone out while we were at a Restaurant). He apologized and said that he got too engrossed in a fitness chat forum he was following. He said he wasn't texting anyone & that the girl (Cindy) just wanted to call cause she needed something. I told him I appreciated that he took the call later. Asked him if there was anything I should be concerned about, and he said no. So I just changed the rest of the convo onto light topics.

 

I really do stress like a crazy gf. Even though he talked to me last night, I found myself annoyed when he didn't text me good-morning. I'm trying to let these petty little stresses go, because it shouldn't be that important! I just got used to all his attention in the beginning, and now when I'm getting less of it I panic. I've got a problem...

[Ms Darcy]

No, he's Bolivian/Salvadorian. 6'3". Most gorgeous man I ever dated.

 

Ladies go crazy over those tall guys!

[Ms Darcy]

I agree you may have been a rebound, but you did nothing wrong if you inquired about his situation with that. The first few months is for getting to know someone not 'making it work', so in a way you saved yourself some grief down the line.

 

This is sooo key. I see so many folks around here trying to "make it work" with someone they barely know and are obviously not compatible with.