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Strange, lingering urge to cut myself?


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Hello everyone,

 

I have been having a bit a strange urge to cut myself. I don't know why exactly I keep having this feeling...

 

A bit of background without getting into too much detail:

 

-21 years old/f

-Finally feel like I have my life together...super happy with everything really to be honest

-Have experienced verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual assault in the past.

-Have had bouts of generalised anxiety for months at a time (no longer have them anymore)

-Recently had a very dark bout of depression a couple months ago (2 months to be exact) but it has since truly 'cleared up'

 

I live alone, and am content with that as well. For context, I have a lot of good friends here, but do not feel the need to or want to communicate any of this with them. I have received counseling in the past, in various forms and in various places- and I feel like there is only so much counseling can do. I found it helpful in some way or another, especially with anxiety, but I feel like it obviously has its limits and there is a point where one has to good/treat themselves right on their own.

 

However, this feeling has been creeping up on me more and more. I feel like specifically cutting myself on my arms (doesn't exactly have to be my wrists), but rather, right above it. I know that sounds really specific, but the only reason why I am noting that is because I want to emphasize that I do not exactly want to kill/truly hurt myself. I am not suicidal. I just want to cut myself JUST ONCE.

 

I feel like doing it just once would help me feel something (I don't even know what I mean by that). I haven't done it yet, and this is because I have commonly heard that it is a cycle and I am scared to catalyze this cycle. However, I am starting to think that I just need to do it once....

 

Also, I was thinking that it might have something to do with the fact that things are going so well for me right now...I feel so normal...that it's almost like I am waiting for something bad (subconsciously) to happen to me, because I am not used to a consistency of just normal, trivial 'bad' things happening to me, as the extremes were the norm. I don't know, this is just a thought.

 

Has anyone experienced this before? Any ideas on the roots/meanings behind this? I don't know what to do anymore.

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Hey ya - as some one who has suffers with depression and genral anxiety and cutting - I only want to say don't - firstly let's face it as normalised as cutting yourself is it is not healthy

 

With the abuse you have experienced - and I am sorry you have - it is high drama - your body knows it and with ga and even dep minds race and some things seem vital major etc - creating a fight or flight response

 

Your body may experience that for a few seconds if you cut - and then you will

1) not feel fore filled

2) feel guilt for hurting yourself

3) later in life you will have scares for no good reason

4) it can and does for many become a coping mechanism

5) it can be come addictive

6) your good friends will feel they failed you

 

I would suggest rather take the opportunity to see it as you being made aware that as happy as you are - content - that actually you are wanting - seeking stimulation mental and physical

 

I would recommend gym and chosing a goal

That you have sways wanted to do - learn a musical instrument/ language / debicare yourself to read up on something of interest to you

 

Now also keep in mind that you have been ill at times and if the treatments have stopped you may find it wise to have your therapist in your life whilst you work through these feeling

 

And no one is meant to do this on their own - humans are social animals - therapist are just there to help with the mind just a carpenters help with building houses - you see my point

 

Anyway be careful - don't cut - it kinda doesn't actually fix change or achieve anything

 

Hugs

 

Jd

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It depends on whether it is untreated depression or following a trend called "voluntarily chosen deviant behavior" where people claim to be ok but want to try out cutting because of the media/celebrity trends.

-Finally feel like I have my life together...super happy with everything really to be honest. I was thinking that it might have something to do with the fact that things are going so well for me right now...I feel so normal.

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