I messed her around

[Redbath]

Hi guys,

 

I just wanted to see what you guys thought about the following:

 

I'm 24 and was in a Relationship with this girl for 6 months or so and to set the scene a bit, she's funny, intelligent, super caring, considerate/understanding and beautiful.

 

About 3 months in I ended it with her because of some relenting pressure from my dad and insistence that I should be single and out there enjoying myself. It lasted a few weeks until we met up and decided to just talk about some stuff and it hit me how I still really enjoyed spending time with her and how cool she is. We said there and then let's give it another shot but take it easy and slow. Fast forward 2/3 months and here we are. My dad doesn't know about the relationship and it's been eating me up inside the whole time where I feel like I'm living a lie to both. I love my dad more than anything on this earth and just didn't want to go back on what he'd told me as I trust him with my life.

 

A couple of weeks ago I pulled the same stunt and decided to call it off with her because I couldn't go ahead and tell my dad what I'd done. She was (AGAIN) very forgiving and understanding and said we should go and take some time apart and clear our heads. After 3/4 weeks I told her that I didn't want to keep our relationship going. She was understandably devastated and extremely angry at me. Lots of stuff was fired in the process, and I'm under no impressions that I've hurt her, far more this time than the first time round. I feel genuinely awful. The truth is I know she feels that I have strung her on knowing that I would pull this stunt again, but in reality that's never what I was trying to do, ever. I choked twice and buckled from the pressure. She bent over backwards to accommodate me, and the relationship was always very much set on my terms from the beginning, which in retrospect I can really see now and feel honestly terrible about.

 

This girl is funny, witty, pretty, great fun and just cares about me. I have hurt her and I'm ashamed of that. I'm thinking about manning up and telling my dad that I want to be with her, however, understandably, when we last spoke a few weeks ago it was when I called it off and she told me in no uncertain words that she was out and not standing for my BS any more.

 

I don't want to hurt his girl any more than I already have, and I feel terrible, and do truly still like her. Half of me wants to put things straight with everyone and live this like it should have been from the get-go, but that's if she'll ever give me be light of day again to speak. I know I wouldn't If I'd been messed around twice by someone like that! The other half of me is inclined to leave her alone and let her heal and get on with her life as I have already pulled this stupid stunt twice.

 

Apologies for the long explanation , it's just I really feel in need of some advice.

 

Thanks!

[SooSad33]

The best thing here, I say is Communicate.

You said you were living a lie. yes, to a extent re: your dad. But.. this is YOUR Life! Why are you living it according to HIM?

 

if you are all for this gal then do it!

 

but, now that you have gone and messed with her twice..it may be difficult. Therefore I say communicate. You now need to explain yourself and ADMIT your fault.

 

I suggest you give her a cpl days of peace.. then ASK if you can talk. Where you explain your mixed emotional stuff going on.. yet you DO feel for her and want her in your Life.

 

I have never dated anyone.. according to my parents preferences. They may admit to me afterwards that they didn't fancy someone but they don't live my life!

 

You are an adult.. correct? Then maybe its time to start thinking for yourself and your future. Do you really see HER in it? Do you want her in it? Then think on this.

 

If she is worth it... hopefully things will be okay and things will work.

[milly007]

Hi guys,

 

I just wanted to see what you guys thought about the following:

 

I'm 24 and was in a Relationship with this girl for 6 months or so and to set the scene a bit, she's funny, intelligent, super caring, considerate/understanding and beautiful.

 

About 3 months in I ended it with her because of some relenting pressure from my dad and insistence that I should be single and out there enjoying myself. It lasted a few weeks until we met up and decided to just talk about some stuff and it hit me how I still really enjoyed spending time with her and how cool she is. We said there and then let's give it another shot but take it easy and slow. Fast forward 2/3 months and here we are. My dad doesn't know about the relationship and it's been eating me up inside the whole time where I feel like I'm living a lie to both. I love my dad more than anything on this earth and just didn't want to go back on what he'd told me as I trust him with my life.

 

A couple of weeks ago I pulled the same stunt and decided to call it off with her because I couldn't go ahead and tell my dad what I'd done. She was (AGAIN) very forgiving and understanding and said we should go and take some time apart and clear our heads. After 3/4 weeks I told her that I didn't want to keep our relationship going. She was understandably devastated and extremely angry at me. Lots of stuff was fired in the process, and I'm under no impressions that I've hurt her, far more this time than the first time round. I feel genuinely awful. The truth is I know she feels that I have strung her on knowing that I would pull this stunt again, but in reality that's never what I was trying to do, ever. I choked twice and buckled from the pressure. She bent over backwards to accommodate me, and the relationship was always very much set on my terms from the beginning, which in retrospect I can really see now and feel honestly terrible about.

 

This girl is funny, witty, pretty, great fun and just cares about me. I have hurt her and I'm ashamed of that. I'm thinking about manning up and telling my dad that I want to be with her, however, understandably, when we last spoke a few weeks ago it was when I called it off and she told me in no uncertain words that she was out and not standing for my BS any more.

 

I don't want to hurt his girl any more than I already have, and I feel terrible, and do truly still like her. Half of me wants to put things straight with everyone and live this like it should have been from the get-go, but that's if she'll ever give me be light of day again to speak. I know I wouldn't If I'd been messed around twice by someone like that! The other half of me is inclined to leave her alone and let her heal and get on with her life as I have already pulled this stupid stunt twice.

 

Apologies for the long explanation , it's just I really feel in need of some advice.

 

Thanks!

 

I think you have to stand up to your dad. I get it; you love him, and he wants you to be single and fancy free. But you're 24 years old, and at an age where dating and being in relationships is common. If you continue listening to your dad, you will potentially miss out on some great relationships. If you like someone and want to date them, you should be able to without feeling this unnecessary pressure from your father. If you continue to live this way, you will find yourself single for a long time and don't be surprised if you subconsciously begin to resent your father as well in time.

[Wiseman2]

At 24 shouldn't you be deciding whether you want to play the field or be in a relationship? Do you live with your parents? It sounds like she's done. Time to go no contact.

I'm 24.relenting pressure from my dad and insistence that I should be single and out there enjoying myself. she told me in no uncertain words that she was out and not standing for my BS any more. Half of me wants to put things straight with everyone and live this like it should have been from the get-go

[HeartGoesOn]

You're old enough to speak for yourself, and make your own choices. If you're still living at home. it would be in your best interest to move out on your own, with /without roommates.

 

In any event, it appears the relationship is over and has no chance of returning. Unless you face the fact that you're now an adult, who's capable of taking control of your life, these problems will never cease.

[ParisPaulette]

Until you learn to stand up to your father and tell him that's how it's gonna be and too bad if he doesn't like it, you need to not get any woman involved with you. Because if not her I'm sure the next one that comes along would run into the same problem and trust me, as a woman that's been there, none of us want to have to fight your parents for you.

 

Nor should we since you are a grown adult man.

 

Leave her alone and let her find someone who has cut the apron strings, you haven't. You need to get your independence from your father and your family first and then think about a life with someone else. Sorry to not be more positive here, but yes she is right. What did you think was really going to happen that second time if you never had any intentions of telling your dad to butt out of your life and go live it with her?

 

And when exactly are you going to be adult enough to say, "Dad, I love you, but it's my life, I'm an adult, I can't marry you so back off if I find someone I like, okay?" That's the bigger question here or this is going to continue to be a never-ending source of friction no matter who you end up with.

[Redbath]

Thanks for your comments, all appreciated.

 

Some good food for thought here. As a matter of clarity, this has nothing to do with being "adult enough" enough to make your own decisions. I appreciate you make that comment with very little detail of the greater situation. What you talk about is something that comes every day. On a side note, and without having to justify myself, Living at home is awesome and to be utterly frank, I wouldn't change it for the world in the build up to financially being able to afford a place of my own. But I suppose that by posting on here you have to accept that people will have presumptive opinions on everything and by me asking for advice, they're entitled to it. Perhaps I needed to be clearer on a few things, I feel I didn't stress them as much as I should have initially. This isn't all about it just being the old man, 'standing up to him' or risking resentment down the line. Our relationship will never be like that. It's far more about it being someone who I highly respect, trust and adore, who has offered me their guided opinion and comes down more to the "fear" of letting them down. I will ultimately always make my own choice on everything I do, but naturally, will always take into consideration the feelings of those that matter most in my life.

 

If anything this thread has made me realise straight away actually that I do indeed just need to have the conversation with him and bring it up. After all, this is only a conversation I'm talking about and with someone that you trust totally, it will never be an issue. I do still have feelings and care for this girl an awful lot, despite what she must think of me, but my instincts tell me that I've already made two mistakes too many here.

 

Your help has made me realise that I was stupid not to have the conversation in the first place.

 

Thanks for all of your honesty.

[nihongo]

Obviously, she'll be very hesitant to get back a third time. But the only way I see you getting her back is if you let her know you'll talk to her dad and she and you can date regardless of what he thinks. Good luck!