Playing the rejection game

[Mandi0307]

I really need advice. I have been with my bf for three years and am currently pregnant with our second baby. We have a good stable relationship despite the absolute hell we have been put through and I love this guy with my whole heart and yah I could pretty much go on and on about the good things but that's not why I'm here. I'm here because despite all the good things in our relationship we still have MAJOR problems that honestly scare me.

Well for starters I will admit that I am a pretty explosive person sometimes, it has become a bad pattern I get upset, explode then he ignores which in turn makes me explode more and usually before it's all said and done I end up apologizing the next day for my behavior and the entire problem get a swept under the rug, this seems to happen over and over again.

I'll be a little more specific here. Today was a rough day for me at home with the baby between not having a lot to do and other family problems with my mother I was in a crappy mood by the time my bf got home from work. I told him this and he seemed to be supportive about it, even helping me straighten the house up. BUT then he precedes to day that he was going to go to his friends house this weekend but now that I won't have anything to do he won't be going.

A little but more background information here. He goes to his friends house(same friend) just about every other Saturday and usually I'm okay with that. I realize that he has to get out and it is good for our relationship but there have been sooo many problems caused from him going over to this friends house that it has definitely caused some resentment in me. Wanna know why? Well the first time it started to become an issue was when his friend's girlfriend didn't want me going over there and my bf lied to me and told me it was just because she had anxiety. I let it go and he continued to go over there. Another issue occuref when he ditched me on Easter, I had to sit at his house while I was pregnant on Easter with his family when all along he knew I had a BIG problem with him going. I let it go and he continued to go over there. Those were the two biggest incidents that have hurt me but there have been countless times of him just ditching me to go over there. Days when I've been stuck in the house all week taking care of our daughter and he has just left me. Days when I've needed to be tooken out on a date and treated nicely so bad and he has just left. Still I let it go and he continued to go over there.

But to him my resentment is unjustified and he is being tied down. After I snapped at him today because i felt that he shouldn't have even bring up going over there right now he went off on me and said that we aren't like a normal couple because scince he is a man and I am a women that means he shouldn't have to ask permission!

And now I am up late he has completely ignored me all night and simply went to bed without even saying goodnight. This is the game, the rejection game and honestly it hurts worse then anything else knowing that he is not willing to sit down with me and actually discuss this. It makes me feel trapped like I can't breathe and being stuck inside all day with a two year old when I'm already feeling like this means Tommorow is gonna be rough.

I just wish he was my partner that I could lean on that would be there for me through anything. But I already know that he wont. I have litterally begged for him to stop I ignoring me through every single fight. I feel like if I am mad at him then he is just out. That feeling is just making my fear of abandonment and rejection erupt. When I was pregnant with our first daughter he would litterally let me sit on the floor and cry for hours I had no comfort from him. I guess he is just not a very comforting person but the truth is that I truly do need someone to comfort me and not just be there during the good times....

Down to the bottom of it I just don't feel like I can depend on him. My world litterally revolves around him I do everything I can and I'm just done. I want to be taken out on a date without having to get mad and throw a fit. I want to go just one whole month were he is just happy to be with his family. I want to feel like I'm with someone who just wants to be with me and doest constantly look forward to going and getting drunk with his friends I want to be loved and respected as a wife not as a disposable baby mama......what do u do to end this rejection game?

[catfeeder]

Well for starters I will admit that I am a pretty explosive person sometimes, it has become a bad pattern I get upset, explode then he ignores which in turn makes me explode more and usually before it's all said and done I end up apologizing the next day for my behavior and the entire problem get a swept under the rug, this seems to happen over and over again.

 

So stop exploding and break this template. See a therapist or counselor to learn how to channel your concerns into reasonable communication and to avoid temper tantrums whenever you don't get what you want. This allows you to negotiate rather than cling to a view that someone who loves you will automatically know how to give you what you want. Learn instead how to put your wants on the table in exchange for something equally valuable to him.

 

Incentives, rewards and bribery work. Temper tantrums and browbeating do not. You'll need to learn negotiation techniques in order to raise your children properly, so why not start learning them now?

 

When every time you press button A, B pops up, and you hate B, then stop pressing button A. Learn how to change 'expectations' into 'ideals' and this will reduce anger. It opens a platform for effective negotiation, and it raises options instead of burning the place down with rage.

[j.man]

I want to be taken out on a date without having to get mad and throw a fit.

And there's a good chance he may want a wife who doesn't get mad and throw fits to take out on dates. I know you want to feel wanted, but frequently "exploding" certainly doesn't do you any favors in that endeavor.

 

Chicken and the egg situations like this are difficult for us to filter through. I'd strongly suggest marriage counseling to help both of you move navigate through the turmoil and make some forward progress.

[Wiseman2]

Do he and these friends do drugs? Why aren't you working or socializing with others mothers or engaging in your own interests/activities? That would help you decompress, feel less trapped and bored and have something to talk about rather than blow up for attention. He is not rejecting you, just cooling down after all these fights.

pregnant with our second baby. I let it go and he continued to go over there. It makes me feel trapped like I can't breathe and being stuck inside all day with a two year old when I'm already feeling like this means Tommorow is gonna be rough.

[Mandi0307]

Thank you all for your advice I definitely agree with most of it. But I'm still confused about one thing and that is the whole asking for permission thing that he keeps bringing up. How in the world am u supposed to respond to that. I just don't think it is right for him to just decide he is going to go run off, with the only car we have.

As for myself I have been trying to have a more active life and I know that it does cause me agrivation but we have one car no spare money and I'm pregnant so it is kinda hard to do stuff right now.

And by the way his friends house is forty five minutes away. That's at least ten dollars in gas money there and back. I just want to know what people think about couple's asking the other for permission to go hang out with friends while keeping in mind that the significant other spends all get days taking care of the child and house.

[Wiseman2]

It's true he doesn't need your permission, but you could ask him to give you the 'head's up' sooner so you could plan better. Invite people over if you are bored have some type of mom's thing at your house. Don't act so helpless.

I just don't think it is right for him to just decide he is going to go run off, with the only car we have