foreverawesome Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 During my divorce I met my ex-sister-inlaw. At first she would scold me about the divorce... not that she was taking sides, she doesn't have a good relationship with her sister. We started talking more a realized we have so much in common. I find her quite amazing and would like to be more than the friends we've become. She has been single for as long as I've been and we've become each others sounding board. I have told her on more than one occasion that I care for her as more than just a best freind. She has expressed the awkwardness this would create within the family as we both have children. I agreed, but said I would take the rejection for now and keep trying to convince her that it wouldn't be that awkward as our children didn't really know each other until after the divorce. When we all get together some of the older children tease both myself and ex sister in law and tell us we will eventually date. We both have explained to our children that we are just friends, but that really hasn't stopped them from teasing not that it's constant. We are both very busy and feel it would be crazy to even consider another relationship especially with each other. With that all being said it would make me extremely happy to be crazy and start a more serious relationship with her. Are there any supporters of my situation? I have tried dating others but can't even find the slightest bit of attraction towards another girl because of my feelings for my new best freind Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 What is the relationship, in family tree terms? Link to comment
foreverawesome Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 She is the Aunt to my children, I am an exuncle if that makes any sence. There's no blood relationship between us. She also is an outcast in her family Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 She is the Aunt to my children, I am an exuncle if that makes any sence. There's no blood relationship between us. She also is an outcast in her family Is she your ex wife's sister? Link to comment
foreverawesome Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Yes, she is. They don't really get along though Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Yes, she is. They don't really get along though Require of yourself that you date and get involved with others first. Let the divorce mature for three years. Then see how you feel. Link to comment
foreverawesome Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Yes I agree, that was my first instinct and I've tried that. I don't really feel like I'm all that, but I do seem to attract quite a few women. I have tried a few dates, but with my ex sister on my mind it just feels awkward. It's been about three years now and it's been about six months since I told her how I felt. I've read so many things on other forums that say it's morally wrong to date an ex sister in law, I'm just having a hard time excepting it. I guess I am more or less asking if I'm some idiot pursuing something i shouldn't, should I just walk away? If I stay freinds with her I highly doubt my feelings for her will go away. I have grown attached to her kiddos like they are my own, so I've feel like I'm stuck on what to do? I don't even know how the exsister inlaw feels, she doesn't ever want to talk about it. I feel she gets stuck with the same stereotypical view point of dating a ex inlaw. If it isn't that horrible that we take it to the next level what are some thoughts of how I could convince her it is okay to pursue a romantic relationship Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 When it comes to dating and relationships "within the family", in this case, your ex-wife's sister, .... it starts to get that "ick factor", creepiness for me. I would stay away from it for at least a few years, as also advised in "IThinkICan"'s post above. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Yes I agree, that was my first instinct and I've tried that. I don't really feel like I'm all that, but I do seem to attract quite a few women. I have tried a few dates, but with my ex sister on my mind it just feels awkward. It's been about three years now and it's been about six months since I told her how I felt. I've read so many things on other forums that say it's morally wrong to date an ex sister in law, I'm just having a hard time excepting it. I guess I am more or less asking if I'm some idiot pursuing something i shouldn't, should I just walk away? If I stay freinds with her I highly doubt my feelings for her will go away. I have grown attached to her kiddos like they are my own, so I've feel like I'm stuck on what to do? I don't even know how the exsister inlaw feels, she doesn't ever want to talk about it. I feel she gets stuck with the same stereotypical view point of dating a ex inlaw. If it isn't that horrible that we take it to the next level what are some thoughts of how I could convince her it is okay to pursue a romantic relationship How long ago did you meet, how long since divorce? To me, you sound too attached. The friendship is too familiar. If you want the relationship to work, you need to back off and sort yourself first. It is difficult to have a strong, steady rl when you are afraid to walk away. And you are afraid to walk away before you've even started dating. Start weaving in other friendships so that your social life has more balance. Link to comment
foreverawesome Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 You're right I am afraid to walk away. It's been 4 years since the divorce and 3 years since I've gotten to know the exsister inlaw. We have met before but we were never aloud to talk because of my ex wife's insecurities. I have dated since I've met her it's just not working out because of my thoughts for the exsister inlaw. I've backed off for about 3 month where I didn't talk to her, which didn't change a thing. I suppose I should try the three year stint, although I feel that may build resentment since I've established a close relationship with her children as well, as a uncle. Yet the exsister inlaw has mentioned I've been a good father to them as well, not meaning to have that said in the literal sence. I do like your advice and will continue to mix others into my life as time allows, as I tend to push away others more so than pursue a relationship. I don't really like one to push a relationship so hard, and it seems like most of the women I meet are a bit on the frisky side. I'm actually a guy that has some sort of standards of not sleeping with everyone I meet. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 You're right I am afraid to walk away. It's been 4 years since the divorce and 3 years since I've gotten to know the exsister inlaw. We have met before but we were never aloud to talk because of my ex wife's insecurities. I have dated since I've met her it's just not working out because of my thoughts for the exsister inlaw. I've backed off for about 3 month where I didn't talk to her, which didn't change a thing. I suppose I should try the three year stint, although I feel that may build resentment since I've established a close relationship with her children as well, as a uncle. Yet the exsister inlaw has mentioned I've been a good father to them as well, not meaning to have that said in the literal sence. I do like your advice and will continue to mix others into my life as time allows, as I tend to push away others more so than pursue a relationship. I don't really like one to push a relationship so hard, and it seems like most of the women I meet are a bit on the frisky side. I'm actually a guy that has some sort of standards of not sleeping with everyone I meet. This is very helpful information and changes my advice a bit. (1) DEFINITELY focus on building your friendships with men, in whatever way that works for you. (2) DEFINITELY pursue an interest that drives you, and that is sustainable, such as a new language, a new degree, a new athletic pursuit, a research project, a new skill such as cooking, sailing, auto mechanics, flying, whatever. (3) DEFINITELY google and read up about intimacy avoidance and co dependency. I don't know that either label will apply to you, it doesn't really matter. The themes will be applicable anyhow. (4) DEFINITELY don't do anything in any direction with the exSIL. Keep it status quo, except make room in your calendar for the friendships and interests that capture your interest. You get what you give. Make sure you give to people who are worthy of your investment, including yourself. Link to comment
IAmFCA Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 OP, the overarching theme of my advice to you is this: Become the man you want to be, before entering into a permanent rl. You are not there yet. It may help to think of yourself as preparing to make that rl last. I'd like to add one more topic to your reading list: the concept of attachment versus commitment. I would like you to detach from your exSIL while maintaining a friendship with her and her kids. If you are willing, share your thoughts as you read / cull / practice the new ideas. Life is a learning journey for the luckiest among us. Link to comment
foreverawesome Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 Thank you so much for the advise. I'll get to reading up on your recommendations. I will definitely keep it status quo with the ExSIL. And I will attempt the other recommendations, but working full time and being a full time father (since the mother is not really in the children's life) doesn't leave a whole lot of time. I'll keep updating this post as time goes on, or considering a big change. Thanks again, it's been weighing on me for a while Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 A lot of people enduring divorce try to find any port in the storm, no matter how otherwise strange. This is the rebound effect of filling a sudden and painful void. You told her your feelings and she gave you a rather reasonable explanation. Just be friends, you can date any women you want in the future.During my divorce I met my ex-sister-inlaw. I have told her on more than one occasion that I care for her as more than just a best freind. She has expressed the awkwardness this would create within the family as we both have children. Link to comment
foreverawesome Posted July 23, 2016 Author Share Posted July 23, 2016 I totally agree, we both discussed the awkwardness, feeling it would weird out the children. Though they must have picked up on our vibes and started telling us we are going to be dating soon. Obviously that hasn't happened. The divorce itself should have never happened or ended a long time ago, since it was a marriage of obligation not love; she was pregnant with my child at the time of marriage. The entire marriage was very toxic, she was very abusive. My ex and ex SIL had a bad upbringing which lead both of them to run away. My ex went out on her own and got mixed up with the wrong crowd, and the ExSIL was raise by a foster family and is doing well for herself. That and I did have time to heal after the divorce, as it wasn't until a year later I met the ExSIL. There is obviously more to the story but figured I'd give a short version. Thank you for the advise Link to comment
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