I dont know what to believe.. in despair

[adrian83]

So, my girlfriend of 3.5 has admitted to emotionally cheating on me with my friend (whom we hang out lots with). Problem is, i dont know if they had anything physical going on.

 

Brief background: gf found out i lied to her a lot about going to my favourite bar with my guy friends and talked to my ex gf once while i was there. The fact is i wasnt hitting on any girls but merely hanging out with my guy friends and she would always be upset if i went without her.. i know no excuses to lie but i guess you may call it a white lie just to prevent any arguements.

 

Anyway fast forward today, for the last week she had been texting him all week (she admitted) and did not talk to me much. She sneaked out (in order to get back to me) one saturday night to go out clubbing with him and a girl (whom we were trying to set him up with - but the girl was only using him to get into clubs etc). We were always out together clubbing btw - the four of us. We had sex before i went to hospital to look after my child who had undergo surgery (note shes not the mother of my child).

 

Saturday night incident: She went out without me knowing and apparently sat in the car with him for an hour bad mouthing me. Both were. So apparently it ended in a hug she gave him when he opened the car door for her and that was it. She has repeated said nothing happened and she wasnt drunk at all.

 

Sunday morning: without me knowing even though i knew she sneaked out, i went over to her house. She was in bed and tried to lie bout going out but i found out obviously from the club stam on her hand. We argued. She cried. We broke up.

 

Sunday evening: i was driving to the hospital. Saw my friends car (I KNOW WHAT ARE THE CHANCES), follow them and saw her in the car with him. He was attempting to not stop but she told him to pull over. They pulled over. I opened the door and acted really emotionally and asked her if its over between us. The guy's face was as sour as a unripped plum. I asked him if anything happened, he said nothing happened at all. She finally stepped out and we argued all night and had sex again.

 

Today we are together. she says she loves me more than anything and was just angry that lied to her all the time (i know it was my fault). she admitted it was her fault for letting it happen and flirting with him via text.

 

It is killing me however not knowing anything other than a hug happened.. Note that this guy friend backed me up all the way but switched sides pretty much and betrayed me. I have never done anything bad to him but always complimenting that hes a good guy etc.. i was so wrong however. Oh well..

[Wolfshook]

Wow nice "friend" you have there. If you were in the army I think the correct term would be "Jody boy". She is responsible for her own behaviour.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think he's lying?

The guy's face was as sour as a unripped plum.

[adrian83]

Wow nice "friend" you have there. If you were in the army I think the correct term would be "Jody boy". She is responsible for her own behaviour.

 

yeah she is. shes taken accountability for it. i guess my question is how likely is she to have any physical contact with my friend. Even if it was a kiss. I dont think it would be sex as we hadnt broken up yet that saturday.

[Wiseman2]

It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she wants to confide in him when you fight, but he does seem to be orbiting her for a reason other than to listen to that.

I dont think it would be sex as we hadnt broken up yet that saturday.

[adrian83]

Do you think he's lying?

 

i dont quite understand what you mean by this..

[adrian83]

It's clear his purpose and intention was to sleep with her or somewhat chase her. He brought her food on the friday for lunch to which she declined but he had turned up waiting for her downstairs her work at a parking lot.

We went out for drinks friday night together.. i mean the 3 of us LOL.. and apparently while i was in the toilet, he asked her to go out clubbing behind my back. She never told me this until we argued that sunday evening.

[ParisPaulette]

It doesn't matter if it's nothing physical or not. They are having an emotional affair and come on really? You catch them in the car together after this all blows up, he looks like he wants to punch you, she hasn't just dumped him out of her life. And you're still with her?

 

If anyone asked me to go clubbing with them and was hitting on me and they were my husband's friend, I'm afraid my husband would have come back to find the guy's head in whatever pot or pan or bowl held something liquid with it while I gave him noogies until he confessed what a crap friend he was being to my spouse. And then would've kicked him out.

 

I'm sorry, but she's playing you both against each other. All I can tell you is to get rid of her, tell your former "friend" he's more than welcome to her cheating and good luck on that when she sets her eyes on one his friends and then be shed of them both.

 

BTW emotional affairs for women are actually sometimes worse than sexual ones, that means the heart is involved man, not just the body. I'm sorry, but she is playing you and clearly has no intentions of giving him up. You should have just told her it was done and walked away right then and there.

 

She, not your ex-friend, is actually the more responsible person, because hello we women don't entertain guys we have no interest in. We know how to shut that crap down hard from the time we're barely old enough to date once we figure out how to get rid of unwanted attention. Just a woman giving you a heads up.

 

I have plenty of male friends too, this guy would have been afraid of me long before it got to the stage it's gotten to. I do not put up with other men hitting on me when I'm in a relationship. She shouldn't either. No man or woman should.

 

P.S. No, you shouldn't have lied to her. But I would like to point out she didn't catch you clubbing with your ex or riding around in a car with her badmouthing you together. I don't really think the sins are on the same level, frankly.

 

P.P.S. Whether or not she did anything with this guy is irrelevant. If she won't totally shut him out and tell him in front of you to never come near her again and enforce it then none of what she says means anything. If you want to give it one more try tell her couples counseling and she has to break things off with any contact with him to prove she's serious about loving you and wanting things to work. And then you enforce it, because this has gone way past the point of "well, I don't want to tell my partner who to be friends with." She is knowingly keeping in contact with someone who is trying to break you two up, so her sincerity in keeping you in her life really rests on her decision to either get rid of this guy once and for all or not.

[adrian83]

It doesn't matter if it's nothing physical or not. They are having an emotional affair and come on really? You catch them in the car together after this all blows up, he looks like he wants to punch you, she hasn't just dumped him out of her life. And you're still with her?

 

If anyone asked me to go clubbing with them and was hitting on me and they were my husband's friend, I'm afraid my husband would have come back to find the guy's head in whatever pot or pan or bowl held something liquid with it while I gave him noogies until he confessed what a crap friend he was being to my spouse. And then would've kicked him out.

 

I'm sorry, but she's playing you both against each other. All I can tell you is to get rid of her, tell your former "friend" he's more than welcome to her cheating and good luck on that when she sets her eyes on one his friends and then be shed of them both.

 

BTW emotional affairs for women are actually sometimes worse than sexual ones, that means the heart is involved man, not just the body. I'm sorry, but she is playing you and clearly has no intentions of giving him up. You should have just told her it was done and walked away right then and there.

 

She, not your ex-friend, is actually the more responsible person, because hello we women don't entertain guys we have no interest in. We know how to shut that crap down hard from the time we're barely old enough to date once we figure out how to get rid of unwanted attention. Just a woman giving you a heads up.

 

I have plenty of male friends too, this guy would have been afraid of me long before it got to the stage it's gotten to. I do not put up with other men hitting on me when I'm in a relationship. She shouldn't either. No man or woman should.

 

P.S. No, you shouldn't have lied to her. But I would like to point out she didn't catch you clubbing with your ex or riding around in a car with her badmouthing you together. I don't really think the sins are on the same level, frankly.

 

P.P.S. Whether or not she did anything with this guy is irrelevant. If she won't totally shut him out and tell him in front of you to never come near her again and enforce it then none of what she says means anything. If you want to give it one more try tell her couples counseling and she has to break things off with any contact with him to prove she's serious about loving you and wanting things to work. And then you enforce it, because this has gone way past the point of "well, I don't want to tell my partner who to be friends with." She is knowingly keeping in contact with someone who is trying to break you two up, so her sincerity in keeping you in her life really rests on her decision to either get rid of this guy once and for all or not.

 

hey thanks for your input. She rang him that sunday evening/early monday morning (while we both in bed - she crying and me argueing with her) and told him that he shouldnt have treat me like that and that he was wrong. She also told him never to talk to us again. She hasnt talked/seen him since as far as i know.

[ParisPaulette]

^^^^ This is good news. Now when is the counseling starting? Because this does need to be addressed by you both, also you both need to have a talk about boundaries with members of the opposite sex and/or friends. I say this because otherwise my sense is this is going to keep coming up.

 

Talking to a neutral third party can help you both, and honestly if you're going to stay together you should both learn to openly communicate with one another first and foremost to resolve any issues.

 

That can help tremendously. Anyways I wish you luck and hope you both address this fully and use it to strengthen the relationship. You have that opportunity as long as neither of you sweeps it under the rug and repeats history.

[Wiseman2]

He seems like even more of a problem than she is.

apparently while i was in the toilet, he asked her to go out clubbing behind my back. She never told me this until we argued that sunday evening.

[shamona]

i know no excuses to lie but i guess you may call it a white lie just to prevent any arguements.

 

You lost her there. There is no such a thing as "white lie". The moment you lied, you shook her trust on you and love cannot survive without trust.

Sorry, dude.

[shamona]

P.S. No, you shouldn't have lied to her. But I would like to point out she didn't catch you clubbing with your ex or riding around in a car with her badmouthing you together. I don't really think the sins are on the same level, frankly.

 

You forget revenge is better served cold and we can do really mean things when we are hurt.

 

Under my point of view, yes, the first lie is to blame for, but not the only thing. She can be cheating or not, the friend may be aware or not... Doesn't matter. After the first lie, relationship wasn't and could never be the same.