Doing things alone again?

[songsiusedto]

I dated my ex for a little over a year, and I adored him. Our relationship built up really naturally. We started as friends and slowly built the foundation for a wonderful relationship. We talked about deep things and shared the small daily goings on each day. We both marveled at how we had never felt that way before, and our connection honestly seemed incredibly deep.

 

It was about two weeks ago that he broke up with me. I vocalized something in a calm manner that I wasn't comfortable with, and he let me know that he wouldn't change it. I explained I hadn't asked him to change himself but that I would have liked the particular conversation to come up less. He said, again, he wouldn't change for anyone, and he told me that he couldn't take it anymore and wanted out.

 

My ex is incredibly stubborn and set in his ways. He's the most intelligent person I know but at times lacks comprehension over certain phrases or situations. He perceives things much differently than I do, which created a slight communication barrier at times during our relationship. This was one of those times where I wasn't trying to 'nitpick' but rather speak like adults and work out a concern. He wasn't having it.

 

Realizing that my ex was serious, I explained my side once more. When that failed, I relented and let him go. I told him I love him, that I think he's a wonderful man, and that I'm always here for him. He spewed out a few words, but toward the end, he seemed calm and wished me well, explaining his chat was always open to me.

 

I was a bit shocked by the whole thing and expected it to blow over. I gave him space and didn't contact him, like I promised I wouldn't. I expected him to talk to me a few days later the way he always did after a fight, but it's been two weeks. This whole time, I've run through the process of grieving. I've accepted it at times, cried myself to sleep at others, and have felt quite bitter and angry that he left over something so small when I helped him through so much and felt we were in love. He made so many promises to protect me after knowing my past with abuse, but he left so easily. Despite this, I haven't contacted him. I've figured there is no point. He knows how I feel. I made sure to let him know even as he was dumping me. Contacting him now seems like it would set me back. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. Right?

 

I know right now he's going through financial hardship. He's been worried about his future, which soured the past several months of our relationship. I tried to support him emotionally and financially, but he wasn't satisfied, and it created further rifts in the relationship. He became obsessed with money, and I, admittedly, grew tired of every conversation revolving around money. That's what ended our relationship. And that's why I'm slightly bitter. I stood by him and supported him, and in the blink of an eye, he dropped me over one perceived flaw.

 

I get that money is a sore spot. I wasn't saying not to worry. I was just trying to take his mind off of things and trying to steer the conversation away from the sore spot. It was a mistake that cost me my relationship.

 

I guess my question is where do I go from here? How do I get out of the habit of checking my phone for a text that won't seem to come? He and I are both anti-social people who really only had each other. Now having a phone seems to haunt me. It hurts just to look at it. How do I get back into the habit of doing things alone again? I mean he and I used to literally take pics of every meal and talk about every detail of our lives. Now there's this black hole where my best friend used to be. I broke down in a shopping mall, because he and I had joked about one of the stores I came across once. I felt ridiculous, but that's how much of an impact he's had on me.

 

I just don't get how a relationship that meant so much to me could mean so little to the point where he hasn't even checked up on me or our dog. I wish I could stop thinking about it.

 

How do I properly recover? Am I on the right track or am I way off base here?

[NZliving]

Reading that just made me quite sad, I'm basically the same as you with my ex. She didn't text or call, her best friend, just left. Like 4 years never mattered. I too have/am struggling with the alone thing, but you start to realise what life was like before and get yourself up out of bed and keep living! So I can totally understand how you feel. Well I guess the fact you reached out for help means you're on the right track. There are some wonderful people on here with amazing advice, unfortunately I'm not quite as inspirational as them, but wanted to let you know that you're not alone, it's stunned me how many people are on here with similar stories. But you seem like a smart, caring and devoted partner, and one day you'll find someone who will embrace that and cherish it. Read 'kicked to the curb', a lot of the things said in that post resonated with me and even made me smile, for the first time in 14 weeks!! I truly wish you the best 😊

[Jinsky]

It took three years and a lot of random crying (and anger) spells to 'get over' my ex. And I has not completely recovered yet. But it does get easier. You will be less and less hurt to the point you can see your old pictures and smile a bit.

Keep pushing yourself. Grief, but don't drown in it. Get to know yourself more during this time. Don't forget, but don't be chained.

[songsiusedto]

Thank you so much for the replies. I really do appreciate it. I know two weeks isn't that long after the breakup, but the abrupt way we ended coupled with all of the promises made it tough on me. I've never really reacted to a breakup before like I am now. I struggle every day not to pick up the phone and shoot a quick text off about something cute our dog has done or even just to check in and make sure he's okay. I always stop myself, though, and tell myself that he's the one who left. If he wanted to talk, surely he would have reached out by now. I don't know if he needs time or if this is really it.

 

The grieving process has been made a lot easier by him not contacting me. If he had called me five days in, he would have had a girl who would have done whatever he wanted. I would have been wrapped around his finger. If he does contact me now, he will be getting a very different girl, one who isn't even sure I want him back. I'll always love him, sure, but part of his allure was that he was different than everyone else and helped build me up. That he protected me. Now that he's gone, I'm starting to see that I can protect myself and that he wasn't all that nice.

 

Do I still love him? Oh, absolutely. The love we shared is something I consider once in a lifetime. It's something special to me, and it's not something that two weeks can do away with. But I think now that I've dehydrated myself on multiple occasions by crying and not eating/sleeping/drinking, I have more clarity. Even if he comes back, it will never be the same. He's no longer on that pedestal I placed him on. He's just a normal guy, and it was wrong of me to place so much of my self worth on some fantasy him. I don't blame him for leaving. I wasn't a whole person, and everyone deserves a whole person. If he were to come back, I feel he'd be incredibly disappointed that I would no longer drop everything and everyone to make him smile. I would no longer hand over $100 and tell him to get a nice meal. I'd love him, but as my own person.

 

I needed this breakup.

[polaris]

He's just a normal guy, and it was wrong of me to place so much of my self worth on some fantasy him.

 

Wow, I needed to read that; thanks. I'm also two weeks post-breakup, some other similarities as well (only one bit of contact a few days after to confirm the ambiguous breakup; expecting it to blow over like previous fights had), and I must say you're doing WAY better than I am, so kudos to you. This is a really great insight you have here, and I did exactly that - I took a fairly ordinary girl, formed a relationship with her in spite of problematic practical circumstances (she works for me on and off), and placed practically all of my self worth on a complete fantasy version of her and us, a fantasy reinforced by our intensity and absolutely extravagant demonstrations and declarations of love. I know when I'm able to get over this I'll look back and feel frankly embarrassed.

 

Meanwhile, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, but well done on reclaiming yourself and your self-worth so quickly and beginning the process of healing.

[journeynow]

I've come to understand that you can't really know what another person actually feels about a relationship you're in. Sometimes they don't communicate well, maybe because they haven't been able to express it to themselves.

 

Your topic made me think of this video (How To Be Alone)

 

[video=youtube;k7X7sZzSXYs] ]