why does the dumper seem unhappy?

[rachaelh21]

Basically, My ex boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me just over 2 months ago because he said he didn't feel the same way anymore. It was very out of the blue - I thought everything was good, we didn't argue much at all, we got on so well, really enjoyed each others company and were best friends. He seemed a little confused about his feelings, said he was still in love with me a few days after we broke up ( i drunkenly asked- yes i know i shouldn't), said he still had feelings for me when we broke up but also said he thought our relationship was now more of a friendship?? confusing. I also saw him cry maybe 3 or 4 times - one time for a good half an hour. He also said he couldn't tell anyone about our break up a few days after because he knows he'll cry if he says it and he said he cried quite a bit by himself as well.

 

He thinks we moved in together to soon ( which we did really, we're both only just turned 22 and I basically lived with him after we were together for about 4 months, that's another story, and properly moved in together about 9/10 months before we broke up). He said he didn't like not having his own space, we're to young to live together and didn't like not having his alone time.

 

He said it was nothing to do with me he thinks im amazing, such a nice person etc and it was all to do with him. Although I was hurt, we ended on good terms. We also said we would see how we feel in a couple of months ( 2 weeks after the break up) as we won't be living together soon which was the main problem for him so maybe we can try not living together

 

 

anyway, i'm starting to move on now and starting to feel happier single. I've felt quite happy the last few days and i have been talking to a new guy. I have tried to be in NC since about 3 weeks after we broke up but i can't all the time because of things to do with our house and organising where we staying etc as our tenancy doesn't run out until the beginning of August and neither of us will be moving out till then ( we have taken it in turns to stay at friends houses since a few days after we broke up). Like, i know i'm not over it, i also have my down days but as a whole i feel like i'm moving on and i've accepted the break up.

 

 

Anyway, I was talking to one of our housemates today. I have been staying at my house since Saturday 10th July (he is elsewhere), and my ex stayed at our house the 10 days previous to that (i was elsewhere), and he had stayed at a friends house the previous 3 weeks before that whilst i stayed out our house- and had similar arrangements previous to this.

 

But yeah, I was talking to my house mate today and she said her mum asked how I was doing and she told me that she said to her mum that she thought i seemed happier than my ex from what she experienced when he was staying at our house before the 10th July which she said she was confused by as he broke up with me. She said maybe it's because i'm better friends with my two other housemates so maybe it's because he felt awkward as he felt guilty about what happened but also said her and my other housemate really tried to talk to him and make him feel comfortable at home and that there is no hard feelings.

 

She said it seems as though i've realised i'm ok on my own but he just seems a bit miserable. He's also unfollowed me and deleted me on all social media and untagged all the pictures we have together on Facebook.

 

 

I don't understand how it seems as though that he seems unhappier than me about the break up??

 

it really doesn't make sense- my housemate seemed to think it's as if i'm the dumper and he is the dumpee?

 

why would he be acting like this?

 

it's confusing?

[Wiseman2]

Does he seem unhappy to you? Some friends mean well by saying stuff like that. Since the end of your tenancy with him and the house mates is coming up things will get clearer. the important thing is you seem happier since the break up.

our house and organising where we staying etc as our tenancy doesn't run out until the beginning of August and neither of us will be moving out till then He's also unfollowed me and deleted me on all social media and untagged all the pictures we have together on Facebook

[jjkk]

The important thing here is that you're doing well and moving on like you need to. Don't get hung up on what he's doing or feeling. He'll be just fine.

 

My best guess is that single life hasn't panned out as fun as he thought it would and he's doing some grieving because he's still lost an important relationship. Even the dumpers grieve at least a little bit most of the time.

 

Just keep on enjoying your life and trust he'll be fine.

[rachaelh21]

thanks for your reply wiseman.

 

 

I don't think she said it to mean well. Me and my housemate haven't really spoken about our break up much. I think she was just genuinely saying it out of confusion because i don't think she had thought about it until her mum asked her

 

I'm not sure if he seems unhappy to me or not. I can't really tell, ecspecially as we haven't spoken much. He seems maybe, a bit distant. He seems ok when i talk to him but at the same time I've always put up a front to him that i'm okay and happy to so who knows. I wouldn't say he is exactly the same as before in terms of happiness but things have changed, we're not together anymore so we won't act the same around each other. So the answer to that is, that i'm unsure.

[ParisPaulette]

He's unhappy, because he's finding out being single is hard work and he likely hasn't met anyone yet. Even when someone ends a relationship they will often be sad too. And if they had a vision of how it would be to be single again, sometime the shock of reality setting in can make them kind of well, miserable.

 

He will pull out of it as you are, and soon enough when you both are fully not having to be around each other it will be easier. Dumpers aren't necessarily happy with their decisions fully, they just know that for whatever reason they aren't as invested in the relationship as they should be and so they end it.

 

This does not mean they won't also feel lonely or sad or upset. And it sounds like maybe he's recognized that going NC as much as he can is the fastest way to healing.

 

P.S. Also some dumpers get upset when the person they left moves on faster than they do, it's a bit of a crush to the ego if they expected the dumpee to chase them and here the dumpee is being happier and recovering sooner. No, it's not rational and no, it doesn't mean they want you back. Just that their ego would prefer you not do that before they do.

 

But in all of this you still need to focus on your own healing and moving forward. You both will move on, but surprisingly it's not always the dumper who has the easier time and does that first.