Five months on - was I too needy as she said?

[James55]

Okay, so I know how this title sounds, but I'm really questioning the whole situation.

 

Basically, my ex broke up with me, and it really hurt. It hurts less, but I've posted on here a few times since and my progress has been pretty good. What's really getting to me is the fact that she said I was too needy, and too insecure for her. Personally, I know I did get incredibly insecure towards the end of our relationship, but that's not really me as a person. Prior to our relationship, I was a pretty confident, well-liked, love em and leave em type. I know I'm not, but I thought I was God's gift to women, and acted that way. If anything, I'd say I was a bit arrogant! Obviously I have insecurities, but everyone does and I had a pretty good hold on them.

 

Then she came along. We kissed, but she spurned me. We kissed again about a month and a half later, and again she spurned me. We kissed one more time, then had sex, about three months after our first kiss. Okay, so it took us a while, but I really liked her and knew she was a virgin before me (I was 23 at the time, while she was 19) and so just put it down to her being hesitant having never been in a real relationship before.

 

It started off great, and I knew she was busy and stuff so never really cared about the amount of time we spent together, as long as the quality of it was good. So far, so healthy. Then cracks started to appear. She called me her (sort of) ex's (a good mate of mine) name. Twice. Ouch, but whatever, these things happen and, though I found it weird, I got over it pretty quickly and told myself not to read too much into it. She would (like many people do) mention 'how hot' other guys were in conversation. Again, no biggie. If we're all there in a group talking about celebrity crushes and whatnot, I have no beef with you saying you think Channing Tatum is a hunk or whatever. But then, one day she referred to a good mate of mine, quite openly in front of me as looking 'so hot', with no prompting whatsoever. That made me feel pretty small, but I'd overreacted at this kind of stuff in the past (as a young teen) so I thought best not to bring it up. Then she went off dancing with another lad, one who was quite touchy feely with her, and always had been. To be honest, I didn't think she was going to run off with either of these guys, I just found the whole thing quite disrespectful.

 

After that night, the knot in my stomach had formed. Along with this, I got very few compliments from her, and suddenly it seemed that every other guy was some sort of super stud to her. This is probably when it started to creep in. We didn't see loads of each other, but again I got that; she was busy and went on quite a lot of holidays with her family. She did love me, I know that, but it seems like these actions were the catalyst for what came to be a bit of a breakdown for me during the relationship. I did suddenly need a lot of validation from her, and my fears were realised when she ended it, which confused me so much more as she had spent a lot of time reassuring me just how much she loved me, only to end it all.

 

Additionally, she would often cancel plans at a minute's notice, which wasn't very nice and made me feel quite unstable. She had often said that she wouldn't feel annoyed if I did the same, but the one time I did, she was. Additionally, the one time I spoke about a famous woman as attractive unprompted, she again took issue with it, though I couldn't tell if she was joking or if her ego (she had a huge one) was taking part there. She didn't like sharing a bed that much (again, I was genuinely fine with that - I did like it, but that's her call and I respected it, though I did feel within my rights to ask for it to happen a bit more) and found it irritating that, whenever we were out, I wanted to spend time with her. Now, don't get me wrong, I never wanted to spend the whole night with her, I have my own mates. The only times I'd be stuck to her side was if we were at her friends' party and I didn't know anyone, which I don't think is too unreasonable - I did say if it was annoying to not invite me. Owing to us not often sharing a bed, I would probably spend more time with her at events than I would with past girlfriends, but that was more because I knew we weren't going home together!

 

She'd also have random mood swings in the relationship, during which I did everything to try and cheer her up, regularly to no avail. I too had mood swings, but always thought it was more reactionary to her than of my own doing. Anywho, she seemed to be working at it with me, but whenever we'd argue (and yes, sometimes they were petty, but show me a relationship which doesn't have petty arguments) she'd want to leave it, whereas I'd want to resolve it. This led me to practical despair, because she was saying one thing and doing another. It got so bad that I was having sleepless nights, anxiety attacks, fits of crying and just downright depression. When we broke up, I fully hit rock bottom and thought I couldn't live without her blah blah blah. I'm over that now, and tbh would like her to want me back for my own ego and nothing else; we had good times and bad times, but I don't want someone who doesn't want me!

 

There was other stuff like texting - she took forever to reply to a text, sometimes up to two days. I know most would say 'she can't be that keen' but the girl lost her virginity to me, and subsequently told me she was in love with me and wanted marriage and all that (it's all so infantile, but it didn't stop me from feeling the same) so I thought she was. I didn't mind doing the chasing to begin with, but it carried through to our relationship and had me feeling like I had to book an appointment just to spend time with my girlfriend. That was horrid. When it had started to really get to me, I told her about the texting and that it annoyed me that she didn't reply quickly, and that on its own it wouldn't bother me, but coupled with all the other stuff, it made me feel like I was just an exaggerated friend to her.

 

By the end of it, yeah I was a wreck, and was reading into things (although, maybe not, considering that by then she was in the process of breaking up with me and I thought we were still trying to make it work) but I know I became a bit much. Or in fact, a lot much, but a lot of this stuff was still going on. The more I needed her, the more she pulled away. Textbook really.

 

My question is, was I a paranoid wreck reading too much into the stuff mentioned in the beginning, or was I right to feel disrespected and down from it? How would many of you feel in the same situation? (Mother dearest told me she'd tell the person to f***k off if it were her! Particularly when discussing how 'hot' my friends were!)

 

Thank you for your replies This site has been great for me so far!

[James55]

Also should say that I was never dishonest to her, and never even thought about straying from her or anything like that for validation elsewhere. I also never did anything controlling like dictating where she could go or who she could see, and in fact did openly say that I thought one of her close male friends had a thing for her (in conversation after she had said the same thing) but that I trusted her and didn't really care. My only request was that she took everything he said about our relationship with a pinch of salt, more just in case of any underlying feelings for her. However, despite knowing this, she was quite cuddly with this guy, which I thought was kinda leading him on a bit, and if so was again quite disrespectful to me. She's said she's been accused of leading boys on a lot in the past, and her actions after our break up (and before our getting together) kinda prove to me that they had a point, as (Despite claims of not wanting to give me 'false hope') she's kissed me and slept with me after our break up, initiating the last kiss we had (last month, four months after our break up.) Now, regardless of how I was when we were together, when we broke up I WAS a wreck, and just begged for her back, to no avail. I met up with her with the intention of being friends four months after, and she brought it all back up and kissed me, I didn't initiate it. To me, that's the work of a seriously manipulative person, and someone with a really low level of emotional maturity, which has made me question whether I was really that bad (to begin with at least).

[burlesquebeaut]

Anyone would be annoyed with their girlfriend dancing with/cuddling up on/flirting with other guys! I wouldn't have tolerated that behavior in a partner.

 

I don't think you sounded needy or insecure by most peoples' standards. BUT: If two people don't have the same interest level, the person who initiates contact, makes plans, wants commitment etc will always seem 'needy' to the other. She sounds like she just wants male attention, to be honest. And if all she wants is attention, you doing ANYTHING beyond that (like wanting a relationship, having expectations of her, etc) will be perceived as 'needy'.

 

She's playing games. Even look back to how she played games with you before you started this relationship (the kissing then spurning)!

 

I'd go no contact.

[James55]

Thank you burlesquebeaut, I needed to hear that. Well that's it, she did say that she had the same level of interest, and we were together for almost a year, but I put a lot of it down to her being quite immature and new to relationships, and thought telling her how it made me feel would help that. I did try NC, and, to her credit, she only spoke to me when we were in public. I know how badly she wanted to be friends, but I really can't forgive her leading me on in the way she did post break-up. I will admit that, by the end of the relationship, I probably was a bit crazy, though by then it felt like I was the only one putting in any effort. When we were alone, she did seem to genuinely love me a lot, but now I'm just so frustrated with how the whole thing went. I'm glad to be shot of her to be honest, and can say that, could I turn back time, I would break up with her when I should have done so.

 

I hate saying this, but I hope the day comes when she realises what she had in me, because I was good to her and, were she to reciprocate that fully, there wouldn't have been any issues. At least I can walk away saying I gave it my all now, and that I have legitimate reasons to not blame myself!

 

 

Thank you once again. Sending all the love to you x

[Ms Darcy]

I think it was probably a combination of things. It sounds like she wasn't all that into you after a while and she was interested in other guys. At the same time, it does seem that you were insecure (understandably so). Insecurity, justified or not, is unattractive.

 

But it's been five months. Why does rolling over the relationship in your mind help anything - you know?

[polaris]

One thing I've learned is that insecurity and neediness are not character traits per se, but actually situational. I've been in relationships, including the most recent one I've just broken up from, where things were fine at first and I could take it or leave it, but by the end I was feeling very insecure because other guys had appeared on the scene and she was actively considering alternatives. How could I not be needy in such circumstances? By contrast, in my two longest relationships (7 years each), I wasn't insecure or needy for a single day, because the other person's behaviour didn't provoke that response in me. That's not to say that when someone is feeling insecure it's necessarily their partner's fault, but once embedded in a loving relationship, we all need a certain level of the love and attention to feel secure and that level varies between individuals. Sometimes people are well matched in that regard, and sometimes they're not. In the latter case, you can find yourself being labelled as needy or insecure, and the other person may well see you as that, but don't take that label to mean something about you - it means something about the situation as a whole.