Caught boyfriend looking at gay personals, gay snapchat

[Pippin90]

Hi everyone - I could really use some advice, as this isn't something I really want to talk to close friends about.

 

I have been dating a guy for about 5 months. Our situation started off a bit complicated, as I did leave a boyfriend of 2 years for him. Things have been going SO fantastic for us. He is very good to me, and at 25, I have honestly never been happier in a relationship. He is definitely my best friend, which I've never had in a boyfriend before.

 

Yesterday, everything changed. My boyfriend got a new phone, and he kept his old phone for his 6 year old son to play games on. I went to look something up on his old phone, and in his history were gay snap chat sites, m4m craigslist personals.. he posted on one website for men to snapchat him in red lingerie.. all of these sites were from a week before when I was gone on vacation. After that, I decided to look into his email to see if he had replied to any of the Craigslist ads. He didn't reply to any of them that I could find, but he did send multiple emails expressing his desire to buy used panties..

 

I was initially in shock, and didn't say anything that night but yesterday I decided to confront him and I showed him the sites. Obviously, he denied it, which I was expecting. He says he doesn't know how any of those sites got in his history. He became very irate and told me that he didn't want to talk to me. When I went to show him the email about the panties, it was gone.. at some point he went into his email on his new phone and deleted it. I tried to be completely calm about the situation (I am very open minded, and loving). I told him that I just want honesty.. that I will love him no matter what as long as he is not physically cheating on me. He swore on his children's lives that he is not hiding anything from me/cheating on me..

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't know if he is secretly gay, bi, or if he just likes the thrill of it. He is divorced (was married for a year, but was with his ex wife for 6 years), and has 3 children by his ex wife and an ex girlfriend. Should I just drop it, now that he knows that I know? Or should I leave him because he refuses to be honest with me? I know it sounds crazy but before I found all of those sites, I would have married him in a heart beat.. I really need some advice. Thank you!

[BlarneyStone]

As a hetetosexual male I can't think of a reason, even as a practical joke, for him to do that if he weren't gay/bi/curious. Maybe his ex wife and ex girlfriend were bat guano crazy and drove him to this lol.

[Wiseman2]

There are two things going on. His sexuality in general and his seeking sexual contact through ads. It's only been 5 mos. If this creeps you out on both levels end it. If you are ok with lying and a double like and at some point possibly getting stds then stay.

in his history were gay snap chat sites, m4m craigslist personals.. he posted on one website for men to snapchat him in red lingerie.. he did send multiple emails expressing his desire to buy used panties..

 

He became very irate and told me that he didn't want to talk to me. I don't know if he is secretly gay, bi, or if he just likes the thrill of it.

[Pippin90]

I also forgot to mention that his mom is gay, and has been with her girlfriend for about 15 years. Wondering if that had an affect on him.

[WithLove]

I would leave him, because you're never going to put this behind you. You'll always wonder.

[Wiseman2]

No. It has zero effect on his clandestine activities. Did he try to tell you it was her doing it?

I also forgot to mention that his mom is gay, and has been with her girlfriend for about 15 years. Wondering if that had an affect on him.

[No1]

I have no clue to the dynamics of gay parents if it has that affect on him. On that note you now know his little secret. It could be a simple fetish or it could be something he is interested in doing. Either way he is getting off to it.

I am of the opinion that the relationship is tainted and silence isnt going to solve it. If he is quiet you might think he is up to something and if you are quiet he might think that you are snooping. In other words, the relationship as it stands will be doomed. Hey, thats just my opinion.

A trip to couples counseling would benefit the two of you. Thats if you want to go thru this with someone you have been with for only 5 months. Remember, his fetish isnt going to just go away. If you are going to stay with him, you are going to have to deal with this now with a professional or thru a lawyer if you two get married. Thats my view

[ParisPaulette]

Or should I leave him because he refuses to be honest with me?

 

This ^^^^ Look, I was with someone who used Craigslist and skeevy for sex websites. I got every excuse known to man or woman in the book plus a few no one else has probably ever heard of including point-blank denial when I showed him the proof. You know what you saw, you know he did this while you were away, you know he got angry with you instead of just confessing and is continuing to gaslight you and make this your problem.

 

I'm sorry, but if you stay with this guy you will be cheated on. Even if you have no evidence of his hooking up, the thing you aren't getting is he was looking to hook up. And this is only his Internet history, you don't know where he's been when he wasn't just online. And no, I didn't "catch" my ex for six years, just kept getting snowed and letting myself be snowed, because frankly it was easier to believe the lies at the time. Until the day I did catch him making a date with someone. All I can say is thank god for arrogant stupidity that chronic cheaters all seem to develop.

 

Sure you can stay and keep getting told what you've seen in black and white is just your imagination. After all, as per the Richard Pryor comedy routine when he is caught in bed with another woman "Who you gonna believe, me or your lying eyes?"

 

I wouldn't even look back. And as harsh as this sounds you need to get tested at a women's clinic.

 

And really I don't care what this guy's deal is, it's all cheating. Doesn't matter who or what he was looking to hook up with, he was looking to hook up. And the used panties thing? Yeah, that's a red flag too that this guy is into more than you know he is. And I would think that's a little scary, because it shows he is able to lie and compartmentalize, not share, what he likes in bed.

 

The lying, the denials, the acting like you are imagining it all while racing to delete emails? Those are not the actions of someone you will ever be able to trust. I'm sorry, but if you stay with him more, far worse more, is coming.

 

From someone who has been there, didn't like it, left long after she should have. The longer you wait the worse it will get or you'll have kids together then end up going the single mom route at some point. Save yourself the heartache, damaged trust, and being made to feel like you're insane while he chips away at your self-respect and self-esteem and just go.

 

P.S. His mom being gay has zero to do with this. Him being able to compartmentalize and wear a false face while enjoying the thrill of cheating on you? That's what motivated him. And why the blip is he giving one of his kids a phone that has that crap on it? The stupidity of that alone would have me running for the door. If you found it, don't you think his kids could have as well? I do and that would scare me probably more than the rest of it put together.

[Iggy5129]

I guess you learned the grass isn't really greener with this guy didn't you?

 

This is what happens when you impulsively leave one relationship to immediately get into another. You're bored with your old relationship so you idealize the new person. Ever think this might be why his marriage didn't work out?

 

And no, having gay parents doesn't make you gay. If that was true then why do straight parents have gay children? Please don't be so ignorant.

[j.man]

Exploring the "whys" would be getting way ahead of yourself here.

 

The bottom line is this: he's done this behind your back and he refuses to communicate with you about it. There's simply no way to work with that. You could try to tell him you'll leave him unless he can 'fess up and explain, but I'm personally of the opinion that once it gets the point of requiring a threat of duress, the relationship is long gone.

[Ms Darcy]

Catching your partner on a personals site is a dealbreaker. Period.

 

Leave him and get yourself tested.

[reinventmyself]

Exploring the "whys" would be getting way ahead of yourself here.

 

The bottom line is this: he's done this behind your back and he refuses to communicate with you about it. There's simply no way to work with that. You could try to tell him you'll leave him unless he can 'fess up and explain, but I'm personally of the opinion that once it gets the point of requiring a threat of duress, the relationship is long gone.

 

And if he did come through with full disclosure would you then be ok with his activities?

His sexuality will be on issue for you, full disclosure or not.

Chasing after the truth and facts is probably a wasted effort.

[Wiseman2]

Google 'down-low'. Do you think they are exes after discovering his lies/activities?

has 3 children by his ex wife and an ex girlfriend.